Disclaimer: I don't own anything from M*A*S*H*, no matter how much I would
love too, I don't so please don't sue me!
********
The next morning was tough. The mess tent was full of quiet discussion from some, and others, absolute silence. BJ sat at the table with a cup of coffee nursing the ultimate hangover, and for once, nobody said anything about it. Under most circumstances he would have gotten hounded by drunk jokes or loud noises, but this time everyone found it acceptable for him to be in such fowl shape. Margaret comes over to him and sits right next to him at the table.
"How are you?" She asks in a quiet voice.
"I feel like a truck hit me." He says, taking a sip of his coffee. "I really should be taking this intravenously."
"Did you sleep last night?"
"No. Did you?"
"Not too well."
"Please tell me that it was a dream..." He says.
"I wish I could." She says. "Did you hear Potter called in Sidney?"
"Why?"
"I don't know, but I don't need to talk to a shrink. I can get through this myself." She says frowning. "I'm fine."
"So am I." He says, sipping his coffee. "Speak of the Devil." He says, motioning towards the doorway.
Sidney comes in to the Mess Tent, and sees the Major and Captain sitting drinking coffee. "Hello BJ, Margaret."
"Hello Sidney." Margaret says.
"Mind if I join you?"
"Of course not." She says, as he sits across from the pair.
"How are you holding up?" He asks, point blank.
"Fine." She replies. "What about you?"
"Its quite upsetting I'll have to say, but I'll be fine. BJ, how about you?"
"I'm fine." He says, short.
"Are you sure?" Sidney asks him.
"I have to go on duty. I'll talk to you all later." BJ says, standing up quickly and heading out the doors and over to Post-Op.
"He's a bit hung over."
"Do you blame him?" Margaret asked, beginning to get annoyed. "How would you feel if your best friend died less then 24 hours ago on the table that you were operating at?"
"I don't blame him Margaret."
"Good. I have to get on duty. I'll see you later Sidney." She says, frowning and quickly exiting the Mess Tent.
"Well, that went well." Sidney says aloud, shaking his head. He stands up and decides he better go over to talk to the Colonel and see what all went on last night. "How are you
Radar?" He asks as he walks into the CO's office.
"Oh hello Major." He says, saluting him. "I'm doing alright."
"Are you sure?" He asks the young corporal.
"Yes sir." He nods. He puts on a strong front Sidney has figured, one that is bound to break, just like the Major's and the Captains.
"You come and talk to me if you need it. I'll be here for a few days."
"Yes sir." Radar says, continuing to keep himself busy. Sidney walks into Potters office and smiles.
"When did you get here Sidney?"
"Not too long ago. I headed straight to Margaret and BJ."
"They are both on duty." He says.
"I know. BJ seemed pretty intent on getting over there on time, as did Margaret."
"Did you get anything out of the two of them?"
"Only that they don't want to talk about it." He says. "What happened?"
The Colonel takes off his glasses and rubs right between his eyes, takes in a deep breath and says, "There was a sniper, and he had taken out one of our ambulance drivers so Hawkeye ran right over and tended to the driver, who had a gunshot wound to his shoulder. It hit an artery, and he was pumping blood out by the gallon. After he got him to safety he ran back out and grabbed the boy in the back of the ambulance, and somewhere between those two runs he was shot, once in the back and once in the stomach. Margaret was the one who saw him as soon as he collapsed, and she called for BJ. BJ operated on him and realized that his aorta was torn, and also his liver was cut. Hawkeye knew he was going to die, and he begged BJ to not even waste his time, but he did anyway, and he died."
"Then he got drunk?"
"He got drunk, he got mad, and he broke down. The same happened to Margaret, only she for the most part tried to get BJ to realize what happened, and now today I haven't even seen either one of them yet."
"Has BJ seen Hawkeye's body?"
"He refuses."
"When is his body being sent home?"
"Tomorrow. That is when the bus comes."
"How is everyone else taking it?"
"They seem ok, but they are all putting up a good front. I don't think it has set in for most of them yet."
Sidney nods and finally asks, "How are you Sherman?"
"I have lost many people from my unit. I am use to this stuff." He says in a shaky voice.
"And it doesn't get any easier."
"Are you alright?"
"I lost a boy who was like a son to me. I lost a friend, a son, and one of the finest cutters I have ever seen or had the privilege to work with. Time heals all, and I just keep reminding myself that, but I'll tell you something, this is one of the worst losses I have ever felt." He takes off his glasses again, wiping a stay tear that traced down his cheek.
"It never gets any easier." The Colonel looks at Sidney and sees how upset he looks also and adds in, "How are you?"
"It's like you say, it never gets any easier." He says sighing heavily.
They sit there for a while and talk while BJ and Margaret work in Post-Op.
"Doctor?" Kelley calls to BJ.
"Yeah Kelley?" He replies walking over to the nurse.
"He's waking up." She says. "This was the kid Hawkeye brought over." She adds in, knowing that BJ wanted to talk to the last patient Hawkeye ever saved.
"Thanks Kelley." He says and pulls a chair next to Private James P. Miller. "Private? Can you hear me?" He asks the groggy boy.
"Yes." He says to him. "Am I alright Doc?" He asks.
"You're going to be just fine." He says, looking over the chart. "Dr. Winchester did a fine job on you."
"Was he the Doctor who pulled me out of the Ambulance?" He asks.
"No, he wasn't." BJ says quickly.
"How is he?" Miller asks.
"Who?" BJ replies.
"The doctor who pulled me out." He says. "He was shot when he grabbed me, and I was wondering how he was?"
"Oh, um, he didn't make it." BJ says quickly, trying to not show any emotion.
"He didn't make it?" Miller asked. "He saved my life, and I took his."
"It wasn't your fault James." BJ says to the young Private.
"I wish I could have said thank you."
"He knew." BJ says, standing up. "You'll be just fine." He tells the boy as he quickly moves away from the bed. "Margaret, I'll be right back." He calls to the nurse and heads outside into the hallway. He sits down on the bench and puts his face in his hands taking a few deep breaths, trying to compose himself. After a minute he sits back up and sees the gurney holding the body of his friend.
"Potter must have kept him easy access for anyone who wanted to say good bye to do so." He thinks, frowning. "How he would hate this." He looks at the body covered with a white sheet and shudders at the thought of his friend lying beneath it, his friend whom he could not save, his best friend.
"BJ?" He hears Sidney's voice.
"Are you ever not around?" He asks, coldly.
"I'm like a bad penny, I keep showing up." He tells him trying to lighten up the mood. "I actually came to pay my respects to Hawkeye. Would you like to see him?"
"No. He's all yours."
"Are you sure?"
"I know what I want! I'm not a child Sidney!" He says, standing up and walking back into Post-Op to busy himself with paperwork.
Sidney pulls back the sheet covering his face. "Everyone always has to make sure the person's dead." He says aloud as he looks at the young surgeon. "We had some good times Hawkeye with poker and the booze and the pranks, but we also had some bad ones too. I think this one takes the cake though. BJ is taking your loss fairly hard, but I think you would be the same way if it were him who died. Everyone has been affected by your death, and no one will ever forget you. I am probably the last one they want to see right now, but I have to be here. Well, God's speed Hawkeye. Thanks for being a friend, and making me realize how sane I actually am." He grins, and covers the body back up. He walks back in and watches Hunnicut and Houlihan for a while, seeing what each of them were doing. Margaret was busying herself with nursing chores and occasionally shouting an order out at the other nurses in the room. BJ was doing paper work, occasionally stopping and looking deep in thought, before mentally shaking himself away from his thoughts and back to the work that was needed to be done. There was so much grief in these young medical personal, more than anyone would let themselves admit, and Sidney knew that he had to break them before they could ever get better.
"Do you need something Major Freedman?" Nurse Kelley says, as she walks past him, causing Margaret and BJ to glance over at him.
"No thank you Kelley." He says smiling. "How are you?"
"I've been better." She says, looking down at her feet, before quickly moving away from Sidney to the next patient.
"Just passing through Sidney?" BJ asks.
"Yeah. I think I should go and talk to Charles a bit." He says, knowing his presence was not yet wanted.
"Ok." BJ says, and once again looks at the papers lying before him.
Sidney makes his way over to the Swamp and hears loud classical music playing. He walks into the Swamp after a quick knock and sees Charles, sitting with his back to Hawkeye's side, with his nose in a letter sent from home.
"Hello Charles."
"Hello Sidney." He says gruffly. "What can I help you with?"
"Just came over to see you for a minute." He says, looking over to where the still use to lay. "What happened to the still?"
"Look on the floor, and you will find pieces of it all over the place." He says.
"What happened to it?"
"Hunnicut decided that it too needed to die." He says, shrugging. "If you want a drink you better go over to the Officers Club, because the days of homemade brew are finished here."
"Actually, I came to talk to you and see how you were doing."
"Naturally." Charles scoffs.
"How are you Major?"
"I am fine, it is Hunnicut who isn't." Charles says. "Maybe you should go talk to him."
"He doesn't want to talk."
"That makes two of us."
"The patient Hawkeye went into save, did he make it?"
"Yes he did." Charles says. "I was able to save him."
"Well, that's good."
"I suppose." He says dryly.
"You saved a life, for that I figured you would be happy."
"How could I possibly be happy?" Charles asks, turning in the direction of Sidney. "We lost one of our own that night, so any life saved wasn't that big of a success."
"I understand."
"You couldn't possibly. You weren't here." Charles says his tone still cool. "I always said that once I got away from all of these maniacs, I would never think about them again. I didn't need their friendships during this time."
"But?"
"But at the time I didn't, but now that one is gone, I can't stop thinking about him, nor how his best friend is handling it." He says hanging his head. "It's funny... I always hated the joking and the pranks, but now, I can't stop thinking about them and it feels empty."
"You can't even look at his side of the tent either can you?"
"I most certainly can!" He says, quite sure of himself, but his tone changes when he finishes with, "I just don't want to."
"I know how you feel Charles." Freedman says, shaking his head.
"If you don't mind Sidney, I have to get back to my letter." He turns his head from the Major.
"Sure Charles. I'll see you around Major." He gets up and leaves', quickly turning to see his body posture, once straight and upright was now slumped over, his chin resting in his hands, only briefly moving to wipe a stray tear from the corner of his eye. Sidney runs into Father Mulcahy when he leaves the tent, "Good morning Father." He calls to the priest.
"I wish it was Sidney." He says.
"How are you Father?"
"I've been better, how are you?"
"I've been better also." He says.
"I was just going to get a cup of coffee, would you like to join me?"
"I'd like to Father, thank you." Sidney says, giving the priest a warm smile as they head into the Mess Tent to grab a cup of coffee and sit down.
"I am assuming you are here to talk right?"
"If you would like to."
"What would you like to talk about Major?"
"Well, I would like to talk about how you are coping without Hawkeye."
"Right now, it feels like he is just in Tokyo for a few days, and that he will be coming back tonight. I find myself thinking this and then suddenly remembering last night and start to lose control of my emotions."
"It's alright to lose control sometimes Father."
"I have been praying for a reason that he was taken from us, but have not gotten an answer. I am angry at him for taking such a fine man from us, one that everyone has loved." Father says, raising his eyes up to the sky.
"Why are you mad?"
"We are taught that death is a very special thing, sad, but one that no one should fear. It is something you should look forward to, walking with the Lord, but right now, it feels like the worst thing that could have ever happened. I can't be here to comfort anybody else because I can not be comforted. I am not doing my job."
"You are doing a fine job Father. This affected you too, and you have to also have time to grieve and heal."
"I seem to be the only one able to do so." Father Mulcahy says, sighing.
"For now." Sidney says, taking a sip of coffee. "I don't think it will be long for BJ or Margaret to come to terms. Margaret sooner than BJ however." He says shrugging.
"He was so angry last night. I have never seen him that angry before. I didn't even thing BJ could get that mad. I guess I really can't blame him, but I wish he would talk about it. He won't even go view the body."
"In time." Sidney says while the Father nods and they sit for the rest of their coffee break in silence.
A few hours later, BJ and Margaret are done in Post-Op and want nothing more then to go retire to their tents, but Sidney spots BJ and heads out of the Mess Tent to intercept him. "BJ?"
"Sidney, all I want right now is to go to my tent and lay down for a while."
"Didn't sleep last night?"
"No."
"Why not?" He says, following the Doctor to his quarters.
"Why not?!?" He asks, astonished at the question.
"If you are fine, why did you not sleep?"
"Because I just couldn't!" He says getting quite defensive. "Just leave me alone for a while. I can handle this myself." He lies down on his cot, turns his back to Sidney and Hawkeye's empty cot, and closes his eyes, knowing that he is not going to be sleeping. Sidney quietly leaves the doctor alone and walks back to his VIP tent. Neither of them leaves until night begins to fall.
Margaret lays awake on her bed, when she hears a jeep pull up. She instantly stands up, pulls on her boots and runs out knowing that the nurses have returned from their conference. "Able, Baker and Bigelow, I need to see all three of you in my tent RIGHT AWAY!" She says.
"Yes Major." They all say, looking at one another. They grab their bags and walk to their quarters.
"What did we do?" Able asks, as she throws her things on her bunk.
"We couldn't have done anything! We just got back!" Baker says.
"She didn't seem mad, but she didn't seem glad either. I don't know what kind of tone that was. I haven't heard her use it before." Bigelow says, shaking her head. "The entire camp seems dead tonight. Even Hawkeye's missing, and I thought he'd be the first one we saw." She grins.
"He's probably still moping that we got to go to Tokyo and he didn't." Able grins, not knowing what she was about to hear.
"We better go and see what Hot Lips wants." Baker says, walking out of the tent, followed by the other two nurses. They get to her tent and knock on her door.
"Come in." She says, trying to compose herself.
"Major, you needed us?" Able says.
"Yes, I need you all to sit down." She says.
"We didn't do anything Major, we have only been back a few minutes." Baker says, looking at the disheveled Head Nurse.
"I'm not yelling at you for anything." She says, "I have to tell you all something." She stops, and tries to compose herself. She did NOT want to break down in front of her nurses.
"Major? What happened?" Bigelow asks, looking at her. She has been there longer then any of the other nurses, and knows that something is not right. She can tell by the Majors voice and her expression.
"Last night, at 10:06pm, Hawkeye was shot..."
"WHAT?" Able asks. "IS HE OK? HOW?"
Margaret knew there was no easy way to put this so she just spits it out, "He was killed."
"Hawkeye's dead?" Baker says, her eyes as big a saucers.
"It was sniper fire, he was shot in the back and the stomach. The one to his back severed his Aorta, and the one to his stomach hit his liver. He was helping the Ambulance driver who was hurt, and the patient in the back."
"Was it instant?" Baker asked, silent hoping it was.
"No. He was awake, BJ operated on him, and we lost him half way through."
"This isn't real." Able says, shaking her head. "He can't be dead."
"Did he know he was dying?" Bigelow asks trying to get all the information she could.
"Yes. He did but we didn't. He told us not to waste our time, but we had to do something."
"Did they ship his body home yet?"
"Tomorrow. You are more then welcome to go see it for yourself." Margaret says, quickly losing her battle against the tears. "The body's in the Post- Op Hallway."
"I've gotta see it to believe it." Bigelow says, standing up and quickly making her way towards Post-Op with the other nurses on her heals. They open the door and see the sheet covered body. Bigelow takes a deep breath and pulls back the sheet. "My god." She says, looking away, "It is true." All three of the nurses stand around the doctor, in tears, while their head nurse sits in her tent laying on her bed, crying.
Around 8:00pm, BJ decides he needs to go out for some fresh air, and to his surprise he finds himself standing at the head of Hawkeye's gurney. He stands there in silence for a few minutes, not knowing if he wants to look or not. "I've gotta do this." He says aloud, and pulls back the sheet, revealing his friends pale complexion. "Dammit." He says, getting a bit choked up. "I killed you." He says. "I should have saved you but I didn't. My god I didn't save you." He sits down on the bench next to his friends head and lets the tears fall for the first time today. "I missed something... I had to have."
"You didn't miss anything." Margaret says, standing behind the Captain.
"I had to have..."
"BJ, it was his time... that's what we missed, the fact that it was his time. He knew that he was dying, but we didn't. He was ready to go, but we weren't ready for him to go, and that is why reality didn't hit us until he had died."
"I'm a doctor Margaret... I should have saved him."
"You couldn't save him. He couldn't save himself!" She says, sitting next to him.
"He's gone." He says, "My best friend is gone. My god Margaret, I never thought anything could hurt so much."
"I'm glad you came in to see him."
"I wish I hadn't." He says, wiping the tears from his eyes.
"You would have hated yourself if you didn't."
"I hate myself for doing it." He says. "Damned if you do, Damned if you don't."
They sit in silence for a few minutes longer before the tears started again. They both sat there and cried for their friend's life. Sidney looked in on the pair and smiled. He knew that both of them had started to grieve for the death of their friend, and would be ok. They would find strength in one another now, and that is exactly what they need. He quickly leaves before he is noticed by the pair, and heads for a night cap at the O- Club. "What time is it Margaret?" BJ asks, as he finally stops the tears.
"10:00." She says, looking at her watch.
"We've been here for two hours." He says.
"Yeah, and I need a drink." She says, standing up. "Tomorrow's the last day we'll ever see him." She wipes her eyes.
"Yesterday was the last day I ever saw him, tomorrows when I finally have to say goodbye." He says, taking a deep breath. "Can I buy you a drink?" He says, pulling the sheet back up over his face.
"Thank you." She says, as they walk over to the O-Club. Potter, Freedman and Winchester were all in there sitting at the back table. Hunnicut and Houlihan go over to the bar and order a drink then join the Colonel and Majors at the table.
"Where have you two been?" Potter asks.
"In Post-Op." Margaret says.
"Are you two ok?" Sidney asks.
"We will be." BJ says, downing his drink quickly. They all sit and drink in silence for a few more minutes, before BJ says, "I think I'm going to try and get some sleep. I'll see you all tomorrow."
"Me too." Margaret says, standing up. "Good night.
"Good night, BJ, Margaret." Sidney says.
"I think we all should turn it." Potter says, standing up.
"I agree." Sidney says, following Potter out of the O-Club.
Around two am, Margaret still couldn't sleep. She couldn't stop thinking about Hawkeye, and sat up in bed.
"Two AM." She says, annoyed when she looks at her watch. She stands up and grabs her robe, looking outside her tent she sees the over head light on in the Swamp and decides to pay them a visit. She quietly goes across the compound and knocks lightly on the door.
"Come in." BJ says, quietly, not to disturb Charles.
"Do you mind some company?" She asks, her voice right above a whisper.
"Can't sleep either?" He asks
"No." She says, looking at Hawkeye's empty cot. She remembered how many times he had tried to get her into bed with him, and smiled a bit at it.
"Margaret?" He calls to her, finally grabbing her attention.
"Huh?" She asks, looking at him, tears starting to form in her eyes.
BJ looks at her, and pushes the blankets back, and says, "Come on, there's plenty of room for two."
She says, "What would people think?"
"I honestly don't care. I really don't want to be alone tonight either." He says as she comes over and lies in the cot with him. "Remember Margaret, I'm a married man." He jests and holds her close to him.
"Sorry BJ, you really aren't my type." She smiles up at him. That night both of them finally slept after almost two days of not being able too. They needed each other for comfort, and this is how they got it.
The next morning Colonel Potter came over to the Swamp to talk to BJ about having a service for Hawkeye, but when he got in there he saw him and the major asleep in bed, and he smiled. He decided that his question could wait because they were both desperately in need of some shuteye.
*****
TBC... Please R&R, but please be kind... I haven't been writing fic's that long.
Thanks a lot!
*STARY*
********
The next morning was tough. The mess tent was full of quiet discussion from some, and others, absolute silence. BJ sat at the table with a cup of coffee nursing the ultimate hangover, and for once, nobody said anything about it. Under most circumstances he would have gotten hounded by drunk jokes or loud noises, but this time everyone found it acceptable for him to be in such fowl shape. Margaret comes over to him and sits right next to him at the table.
"How are you?" She asks in a quiet voice.
"I feel like a truck hit me." He says, taking a sip of his coffee. "I really should be taking this intravenously."
"Did you sleep last night?"
"No. Did you?"
"Not too well."
"Please tell me that it was a dream..." He says.
"I wish I could." She says. "Did you hear Potter called in Sidney?"
"Why?"
"I don't know, but I don't need to talk to a shrink. I can get through this myself." She says frowning. "I'm fine."
"So am I." He says, sipping his coffee. "Speak of the Devil." He says, motioning towards the doorway.
Sidney comes in to the Mess Tent, and sees the Major and Captain sitting drinking coffee. "Hello BJ, Margaret."
"Hello Sidney." Margaret says.
"Mind if I join you?"
"Of course not." She says, as he sits across from the pair.
"How are you holding up?" He asks, point blank.
"Fine." She replies. "What about you?"
"Its quite upsetting I'll have to say, but I'll be fine. BJ, how about you?"
"I'm fine." He says, short.
"Are you sure?" Sidney asks him.
"I have to go on duty. I'll talk to you all later." BJ says, standing up quickly and heading out the doors and over to Post-Op.
"He's a bit hung over."
"Do you blame him?" Margaret asked, beginning to get annoyed. "How would you feel if your best friend died less then 24 hours ago on the table that you were operating at?"
"I don't blame him Margaret."
"Good. I have to get on duty. I'll see you later Sidney." She says, frowning and quickly exiting the Mess Tent.
"Well, that went well." Sidney says aloud, shaking his head. He stands up and decides he better go over to talk to the Colonel and see what all went on last night. "How are you
Radar?" He asks as he walks into the CO's office.
"Oh hello Major." He says, saluting him. "I'm doing alright."
"Are you sure?" He asks the young corporal.
"Yes sir." He nods. He puts on a strong front Sidney has figured, one that is bound to break, just like the Major's and the Captains.
"You come and talk to me if you need it. I'll be here for a few days."
"Yes sir." Radar says, continuing to keep himself busy. Sidney walks into Potters office and smiles.
"When did you get here Sidney?"
"Not too long ago. I headed straight to Margaret and BJ."
"They are both on duty." He says.
"I know. BJ seemed pretty intent on getting over there on time, as did Margaret."
"Did you get anything out of the two of them?"
"Only that they don't want to talk about it." He says. "What happened?"
The Colonel takes off his glasses and rubs right between his eyes, takes in a deep breath and says, "There was a sniper, and he had taken out one of our ambulance drivers so Hawkeye ran right over and tended to the driver, who had a gunshot wound to his shoulder. It hit an artery, and he was pumping blood out by the gallon. After he got him to safety he ran back out and grabbed the boy in the back of the ambulance, and somewhere between those two runs he was shot, once in the back and once in the stomach. Margaret was the one who saw him as soon as he collapsed, and she called for BJ. BJ operated on him and realized that his aorta was torn, and also his liver was cut. Hawkeye knew he was going to die, and he begged BJ to not even waste his time, but he did anyway, and he died."
"Then he got drunk?"
"He got drunk, he got mad, and he broke down. The same happened to Margaret, only she for the most part tried to get BJ to realize what happened, and now today I haven't even seen either one of them yet."
"Has BJ seen Hawkeye's body?"
"He refuses."
"When is his body being sent home?"
"Tomorrow. That is when the bus comes."
"How is everyone else taking it?"
"They seem ok, but they are all putting up a good front. I don't think it has set in for most of them yet."
Sidney nods and finally asks, "How are you Sherman?"
"I have lost many people from my unit. I am use to this stuff." He says in a shaky voice.
"And it doesn't get any easier."
"Are you alright?"
"I lost a boy who was like a son to me. I lost a friend, a son, and one of the finest cutters I have ever seen or had the privilege to work with. Time heals all, and I just keep reminding myself that, but I'll tell you something, this is one of the worst losses I have ever felt." He takes off his glasses again, wiping a stay tear that traced down his cheek.
"It never gets any easier." The Colonel looks at Sidney and sees how upset he looks also and adds in, "How are you?"
"It's like you say, it never gets any easier." He says sighing heavily.
They sit there for a while and talk while BJ and Margaret work in Post-Op.
"Doctor?" Kelley calls to BJ.
"Yeah Kelley?" He replies walking over to the nurse.
"He's waking up." She says. "This was the kid Hawkeye brought over." She adds in, knowing that BJ wanted to talk to the last patient Hawkeye ever saved.
"Thanks Kelley." He says and pulls a chair next to Private James P. Miller. "Private? Can you hear me?" He asks the groggy boy.
"Yes." He says to him. "Am I alright Doc?" He asks.
"You're going to be just fine." He says, looking over the chart. "Dr. Winchester did a fine job on you."
"Was he the Doctor who pulled me out of the Ambulance?" He asks.
"No, he wasn't." BJ says quickly.
"How is he?" Miller asks.
"Who?" BJ replies.
"The doctor who pulled me out." He says. "He was shot when he grabbed me, and I was wondering how he was?"
"Oh, um, he didn't make it." BJ says quickly, trying to not show any emotion.
"He didn't make it?" Miller asked. "He saved my life, and I took his."
"It wasn't your fault James." BJ says to the young Private.
"I wish I could have said thank you."
"He knew." BJ says, standing up. "You'll be just fine." He tells the boy as he quickly moves away from the bed. "Margaret, I'll be right back." He calls to the nurse and heads outside into the hallway. He sits down on the bench and puts his face in his hands taking a few deep breaths, trying to compose himself. After a minute he sits back up and sees the gurney holding the body of his friend.
"Potter must have kept him easy access for anyone who wanted to say good bye to do so." He thinks, frowning. "How he would hate this." He looks at the body covered with a white sheet and shudders at the thought of his friend lying beneath it, his friend whom he could not save, his best friend.
"BJ?" He hears Sidney's voice.
"Are you ever not around?" He asks, coldly.
"I'm like a bad penny, I keep showing up." He tells him trying to lighten up the mood. "I actually came to pay my respects to Hawkeye. Would you like to see him?"
"No. He's all yours."
"Are you sure?"
"I know what I want! I'm not a child Sidney!" He says, standing up and walking back into Post-Op to busy himself with paperwork.
Sidney pulls back the sheet covering his face. "Everyone always has to make sure the person's dead." He says aloud as he looks at the young surgeon. "We had some good times Hawkeye with poker and the booze and the pranks, but we also had some bad ones too. I think this one takes the cake though. BJ is taking your loss fairly hard, but I think you would be the same way if it were him who died. Everyone has been affected by your death, and no one will ever forget you. I am probably the last one they want to see right now, but I have to be here. Well, God's speed Hawkeye. Thanks for being a friend, and making me realize how sane I actually am." He grins, and covers the body back up. He walks back in and watches Hunnicut and Houlihan for a while, seeing what each of them were doing. Margaret was busying herself with nursing chores and occasionally shouting an order out at the other nurses in the room. BJ was doing paper work, occasionally stopping and looking deep in thought, before mentally shaking himself away from his thoughts and back to the work that was needed to be done. There was so much grief in these young medical personal, more than anyone would let themselves admit, and Sidney knew that he had to break them before they could ever get better.
"Do you need something Major Freedman?" Nurse Kelley says, as she walks past him, causing Margaret and BJ to glance over at him.
"No thank you Kelley." He says smiling. "How are you?"
"I've been better." She says, looking down at her feet, before quickly moving away from Sidney to the next patient.
"Just passing through Sidney?" BJ asks.
"Yeah. I think I should go and talk to Charles a bit." He says, knowing his presence was not yet wanted.
"Ok." BJ says, and once again looks at the papers lying before him.
Sidney makes his way over to the Swamp and hears loud classical music playing. He walks into the Swamp after a quick knock and sees Charles, sitting with his back to Hawkeye's side, with his nose in a letter sent from home.
"Hello Charles."
"Hello Sidney." He says gruffly. "What can I help you with?"
"Just came over to see you for a minute." He says, looking over to where the still use to lay. "What happened to the still?"
"Look on the floor, and you will find pieces of it all over the place." He says.
"What happened to it?"
"Hunnicut decided that it too needed to die." He says, shrugging. "If you want a drink you better go over to the Officers Club, because the days of homemade brew are finished here."
"Actually, I came to talk to you and see how you were doing."
"Naturally." Charles scoffs.
"How are you Major?"
"I am fine, it is Hunnicut who isn't." Charles says. "Maybe you should go talk to him."
"He doesn't want to talk."
"That makes two of us."
"The patient Hawkeye went into save, did he make it?"
"Yes he did." Charles says. "I was able to save him."
"Well, that's good."
"I suppose." He says dryly.
"You saved a life, for that I figured you would be happy."
"How could I possibly be happy?" Charles asks, turning in the direction of Sidney. "We lost one of our own that night, so any life saved wasn't that big of a success."
"I understand."
"You couldn't possibly. You weren't here." Charles says his tone still cool. "I always said that once I got away from all of these maniacs, I would never think about them again. I didn't need their friendships during this time."
"But?"
"But at the time I didn't, but now that one is gone, I can't stop thinking about him, nor how his best friend is handling it." He says hanging his head. "It's funny... I always hated the joking and the pranks, but now, I can't stop thinking about them and it feels empty."
"You can't even look at his side of the tent either can you?"
"I most certainly can!" He says, quite sure of himself, but his tone changes when he finishes with, "I just don't want to."
"I know how you feel Charles." Freedman says, shaking his head.
"If you don't mind Sidney, I have to get back to my letter." He turns his head from the Major.
"Sure Charles. I'll see you around Major." He gets up and leaves', quickly turning to see his body posture, once straight and upright was now slumped over, his chin resting in his hands, only briefly moving to wipe a stray tear from the corner of his eye. Sidney runs into Father Mulcahy when he leaves the tent, "Good morning Father." He calls to the priest.
"I wish it was Sidney." He says.
"How are you Father?"
"I've been better, how are you?"
"I've been better also." He says.
"I was just going to get a cup of coffee, would you like to join me?"
"I'd like to Father, thank you." Sidney says, giving the priest a warm smile as they head into the Mess Tent to grab a cup of coffee and sit down.
"I am assuming you are here to talk right?"
"If you would like to."
"What would you like to talk about Major?"
"Well, I would like to talk about how you are coping without Hawkeye."
"Right now, it feels like he is just in Tokyo for a few days, and that he will be coming back tonight. I find myself thinking this and then suddenly remembering last night and start to lose control of my emotions."
"It's alright to lose control sometimes Father."
"I have been praying for a reason that he was taken from us, but have not gotten an answer. I am angry at him for taking such a fine man from us, one that everyone has loved." Father says, raising his eyes up to the sky.
"Why are you mad?"
"We are taught that death is a very special thing, sad, but one that no one should fear. It is something you should look forward to, walking with the Lord, but right now, it feels like the worst thing that could have ever happened. I can't be here to comfort anybody else because I can not be comforted. I am not doing my job."
"You are doing a fine job Father. This affected you too, and you have to also have time to grieve and heal."
"I seem to be the only one able to do so." Father Mulcahy says, sighing.
"For now." Sidney says, taking a sip of coffee. "I don't think it will be long for BJ or Margaret to come to terms. Margaret sooner than BJ however." He says shrugging.
"He was so angry last night. I have never seen him that angry before. I didn't even thing BJ could get that mad. I guess I really can't blame him, but I wish he would talk about it. He won't even go view the body."
"In time." Sidney says while the Father nods and they sit for the rest of their coffee break in silence.
A few hours later, BJ and Margaret are done in Post-Op and want nothing more then to go retire to their tents, but Sidney spots BJ and heads out of the Mess Tent to intercept him. "BJ?"
"Sidney, all I want right now is to go to my tent and lay down for a while."
"Didn't sleep last night?"
"No."
"Why not?" He says, following the Doctor to his quarters.
"Why not?!?" He asks, astonished at the question.
"If you are fine, why did you not sleep?"
"Because I just couldn't!" He says getting quite defensive. "Just leave me alone for a while. I can handle this myself." He lies down on his cot, turns his back to Sidney and Hawkeye's empty cot, and closes his eyes, knowing that he is not going to be sleeping. Sidney quietly leaves the doctor alone and walks back to his VIP tent. Neither of them leaves until night begins to fall.
Margaret lays awake on her bed, when she hears a jeep pull up. She instantly stands up, pulls on her boots and runs out knowing that the nurses have returned from their conference. "Able, Baker and Bigelow, I need to see all three of you in my tent RIGHT AWAY!" She says.
"Yes Major." They all say, looking at one another. They grab their bags and walk to their quarters.
"What did we do?" Able asks, as she throws her things on her bunk.
"We couldn't have done anything! We just got back!" Baker says.
"She didn't seem mad, but she didn't seem glad either. I don't know what kind of tone that was. I haven't heard her use it before." Bigelow says, shaking her head. "The entire camp seems dead tonight. Even Hawkeye's missing, and I thought he'd be the first one we saw." She grins.
"He's probably still moping that we got to go to Tokyo and he didn't." Able grins, not knowing what she was about to hear.
"We better go and see what Hot Lips wants." Baker says, walking out of the tent, followed by the other two nurses. They get to her tent and knock on her door.
"Come in." She says, trying to compose herself.
"Major, you needed us?" Able says.
"Yes, I need you all to sit down." She says.
"We didn't do anything Major, we have only been back a few minutes." Baker says, looking at the disheveled Head Nurse.
"I'm not yelling at you for anything." She says, "I have to tell you all something." She stops, and tries to compose herself. She did NOT want to break down in front of her nurses.
"Major? What happened?" Bigelow asks, looking at her. She has been there longer then any of the other nurses, and knows that something is not right. She can tell by the Majors voice and her expression.
"Last night, at 10:06pm, Hawkeye was shot..."
"WHAT?" Able asks. "IS HE OK? HOW?"
Margaret knew there was no easy way to put this so she just spits it out, "He was killed."
"Hawkeye's dead?" Baker says, her eyes as big a saucers.
"It was sniper fire, he was shot in the back and the stomach. The one to his back severed his Aorta, and the one to his stomach hit his liver. He was helping the Ambulance driver who was hurt, and the patient in the back."
"Was it instant?" Baker asked, silent hoping it was.
"No. He was awake, BJ operated on him, and we lost him half way through."
"This isn't real." Able says, shaking her head. "He can't be dead."
"Did he know he was dying?" Bigelow asks trying to get all the information she could.
"Yes. He did but we didn't. He told us not to waste our time, but we had to do something."
"Did they ship his body home yet?"
"Tomorrow. You are more then welcome to go see it for yourself." Margaret says, quickly losing her battle against the tears. "The body's in the Post- Op Hallway."
"I've gotta see it to believe it." Bigelow says, standing up and quickly making her way towards Post-Op with the other nurses on her heals. They open the door and see the sheet covered body. Bigelow takes a deep breath and pulls back the sheet. "My god." She says, looking away, "It is true." All three of the nurses stand around the doctor, in tears, while their head nurse sits in her tent laying on her bed, crying.
Around 8:00pm, BJ decides he needs to go out for some fresh air, and to his surprise he finds himself standing at the head of Hawkeye's gurney. He stands there in silence for a few minutes, not knowing if he wants to look or not. "I've gotta do this." He says aloud, and pulls back the sheet, revealing his friends pale complexion. "Dammit." He says, getting a bit choked up. "I killed you." He says. "I should have saved you but I didn't. My god I didn't save you." He sits down on the bench next to his friends head and lets the tears fall for the first time today. "I missed something... I had to have."
"You didn't miss anything." Margaret says, standing behind the Captain.
"I had to have..."
"BJ, it was his time... that's what we missed, the fact that it was his time. He knew that he was dying, but we didn't. He was ready to go, but we weren't ready for him to go, and that is why reality didn't hit us until he had died."
"I'm a doctor Margaret... I should have saved him."
"You couldn't save him. He couldn't save himself!" She says, sitting next to him.
"He's gone." He says, "My best friend is gone. My god Margaret, I never thought anything could hurt so much."
"I'm glad you came in to see him."
"I wish I hadn't." He says, wiping the tears from his eyes.
"You would have hated yourself if you didn't."
"I hate myself for doing it." He says. "Damned if you do, Damned if you don't."
They sit in silence for a few minutes longer before the tears started again. They both sat there and cried for their friend's life. Sidney looked in on the pair and smiled. He knew that both of them had started to grieve for the death of their friend, and would be ok. They would find strength in one another now, and that is exactly what they need. He quickly leaves before he is noticed by the pair, and heads for a night cap at the O- Club. "What time is it Margaret?" BJ asks, as he finally stops the tears.
"10:00." She says, looking at her watch.
"We've been here for two hours." He says.
"Yeah, and I need a drink." She says, standing up. "Tomorrow's the last day we'll ever see him." She wipes her eyes.
"Yesterday was the last day I ever saw him, tomorrows when I finally have to say goodbye." He says, taking a deep breath. "Can I buy you a drink?" He says, pulling the sheet back up over his face.
"Thank you." She says, as they walk over to the O-Club. Potter, Freedman and Winchester were all in there sitting at the back table. Hunnicut and Houlihan go over to the bar and order a drink then join the Colonel and Majors at the table.
"Where have you two been?" Potter asks.
"In Post-Op." Margaret says.
"Are you two ok?" Sidney asks.
"We will be." BJ says, downing his drink quickly. They all sit and drink in silence for a few more minutes, before BJ says, "I think I'm going to try and get some sleep. I'll see you all tomorrow."
"Me too." Margaret says, standing up. "Good night.
"Good night, BJ, Margaret." Sidney says.
"I think we all should turn it." Potter says, standing up.
"I agree." Sidney says, following Potter out of the O-Club.
Around two am, Margaret still couldn't sleep. She couldn't stop thinking about Hawkeye, and sat up in bed.
"Two AM." She says, annoyed when she looks at her watch. She stands up and grabs her robe, looking outside her tent she sees the over head light on in the Swamp and decides to pay them a visit. She quietly goes across the compound and knocks lightly on the door.
"Come in." BJ says, quietly, not to disturb Charles.
"Do you mind some company?" She asks, her voice right above a whisper.
"Can't sleep either?" He asks
"No." She says, looking at Hawkeye's empty cot. She remembered how many times he had tried to get her into bed with him, and smiled a bit at it.
"Margaret?" He calls to her, finally grabbing her attention.
"Huh?" She asks, looking at him, tears starting to form in her eyes.
BJ looks at her, and pushes the blankets back, and says, "Come on, there's plenty of room for two."
She says, "What would people think?"
"I honestly don't care. I really don't want to be alone tonight either." He says as she comes over and lies in the cot with him. "Remember Margaret, I'm a married man." He jests and holds her close to him.
"Sorry BJ, you really aren't my type." She smiles up at him. That night both of them finally slept after almost two days of not being able too. They needed each other for comfort, and this is how they got it.
The next morning Colonel Potter came over to the Swamp to talk to BJ about having a service for Hawkeye, but when he got in there he saw him and the major asleep in bed, and he smiled. He decided that his question could wait because they were both desperately in need of some shuteye.
*****
TBC... Please R&R, but please be kind... I haven't been writing fic's that long.
Thanks a lot!
*STARY*