Disclaimer: I don't own anything from M*A*S*H*, no matter how much I would
love too, I don't so please don't sue me!
********
The very next day, a letter arrives to BJ from home. "Mail Call!" Klinger calls to the surgeons in the Swamp. "Hunnicut! You got a letter!"
"Thanks Klinger." He smiles and takes the letter, opening it and beginning to read the familiar writing of his wife.
BJ,
I just got your letter a couple days before I sent this, which in army time was about a month ago. Erin is fine, getting big, I included a picture for you hoping to cheer you up. I don't know what to say darling, except that I am so sorry for Hawkeye dying. I felt like I knew him, and I know how close you two were from your letters. He seemed like a really swell guy and I wish I could have met him. Are you doing alright? I hope you are. I know how hard it is to lose your best friend. I wish I could be there for you, but unfortunately an ocean keeps us apart. Did you write to his father? How is he taking it? How is the camp doing with out him? Do you have a new doctor yet? Write back to me if you get a chance too darling. I love you, and I too hope to see you very soon. Please come home safe.
Love,
Peg
BJ puts the note down and shutters. He didn't want to hear anything else about Hawkeye, and it was getting to the point where he almost did want to forget about him. He almost hated him for leaving. He hated his best friend...
"Who's the letter from BJ?" Jason asks as he comes through the doors, shaking the other doctor away from his thoughts.
"My wife." He says, folding the letter back up and putting it in his pocket.
"Anything new with her?"
"She sent me a new picture of Erin." He says, looking at the picture and smiling.
"Let me see her." Jason says, walking over to BJ's side of the tent. "She's beautiful. I think she's gotten bigger than her last picture."
"Yeah, me too. I just wish I could be there to watch her grow up."
"You will be. We will all go home sometime."
"Yeah, but every new season brings doubts that this war will ever end. You're lucky, you have only been over here a few months. Me, I have been over here for a year. A whole 12 months."
"Hopefully you'll get your points then and be able to go home soon. I mean how long can they possibly keep you over here?"
"Hawkeye was here for two years..." He says. Jason knew better then to bring up Hawkeye, but when BJ talked about him, something was definitely bothering him.
"Say, Beej" Immediately BJ's eyes widened when he heard his nickname, the look went completely unnoticed by the other Captain, "What else do we need for the still? You said that you made one before, so what else do I have to get?"
"I don't remember... what do we have so far?" He asked. Jason listed off a list of items they have "acquired" from the camp. "That sounds like all of it. Let's put it together and see."
They spent the entire afternoon fixing up the still. Charles came in and scoffed at there invention and said, "Surely you are not making another one of those THINGS." He says, emphasizing the word things.
"We are, but if you ever call it a THING again Chuckles, we won't allow you to have a drink." BJ says, grinning at his other bunkmate.
"I would never stoop so low as to numb my taste buds with a foul liquor that you heathens make. I am satisfied with my Brandy thank you very much."
"Well you enjoy your little bit of Brandy that you have to savor and we will relish in the gin we make all day and night." Jason says as they finish the last part of the still. "Its beautiful." He says laughing. "Shall we try it out?"
"Lets." BJ says, handing him a glass.
"Yuck!" Lewis says coughing. "It's perfect."
BJ smiles and says, "The Finest Kind."
"We have to take turns filling her up."
"Of course." BJ says grinning. For the first time in a while BJ was able to totally forget about Hawkeye for the day... and the days of thought got longer and longer. By March, BJ realizes that his biggest fear has happened.
"What do you have there Jason?"
"A new picture of my kids." He says, smiling proudly. "Do you wanna see it?"
"Sure!" He says, excitedly. It was so nice being able to share pictures of your kids.
"They've gotten big."
"Yeah, they have. His birthday is next month."
"Hopefully we'll be home by then. I know I hope to god I make it home for Erin's second birthday. I missed the first one..." He says trailing off.
"Let's just think positive about getting home soon. I really wish I could head home before I make a year here." Lewis says, standing up and pouring himself a drink.
"I envy Radar, the lucky devil, for being able to go home. I wish it was me seeing my daughter rather than him." BJ says, grinding his teeth. It was a bit over three weeks since he had gotten the letter from Peg telling him that Radar had been called "daddy" by Erin.
"Don't worry, she'll be calling you daddy the next time she sees you. Look at the good, not the bad, and remember what I told you, it could have been any guy in a uniform who she called daddy, at least in it was one of your friends, rather than a stranger.:
"Yeah, I know." He says sighing, "But it still bothers me."
"It would bother me too Beej." Jason says.
Beej... that nickname brought back memories, memories that he has suppressed and tried to forget. He hadn't thought about Hawkeye in months, and all of the sudden he was in his mind again. My god, he had forgotten about his best friend. He had allowed the replacement to take over his best friend's spot. "BJ?" His thoughts were shaken as his attention was brought back to Jason. "You with me?"
"Huh? Oh sorry, I zoned out for a second there."
"Apparently." He says laughing. "So anyway, did you hear, they are starting peace talks again."
"Yeah, I heard. Nothing ever becomes of them."
"Oh come on Hunnicut... one day something has to become of them."
He sighs, and looks up to the top of the tent, "Someday isn't today." Both men lie on there beds and stare at the top of the ceiling. That night, while Charles is in post-op the two friends are sleeping. BJ has a vivid dream, which started off happy and ended quite poorly, which really sends him through a loop...
*Dream*
"Hey Beej! Beej wake up, come on pal!" Hawkeye says to him, standing over his bed.
"Come on Jason, knock it off."
"Jason? BJ, its Hawkeye. Wake up!"
"Hawk?" He says stirring. "It can't be you, your dead."
"Yeah, I know, but I figured I should pay you a visit."
"I don't believe it! You are dead! You can't pay me a visit."
"Sure I can. Anyway, how have you been?"
"I've been ok..." He says to his friend.
"I see you have a new surgeon."
"Yeah, his name's Jason Lewis. He's a really great guy."
"I bet." Hawkeye says. "So, I see you totally forgot about me."
"What are you talking about? Of course I didn't forget about you."
"Yes, you did. You forgot about me. We were best friends and you forgot about me. You don't want to even think about me anymore do you?"
"That's not true Hawkeye!"
"No? You don't think I would know these things? When was the last time you thought about me? When was the last time you wanted to? You wish you never met me don't you? You wish that you had never came to Korea because then you wouldn't have met me and you wouldn't feel the way you do! You hate me for putting you through the grief, and because of that blame me for the way you feel!"
"That is definitely not true! Hawk, you were my best friend..."
"Some best friend, not even being able to save me."
"You knew I couldn't save you..."
"Did I?" The dream was quickly turning from bad to worse. "If you were a better doctor you would have been able to save me! I would have made sure you were alive! You killed me."
*End Dream*
BJ sits straight up in bed, sweat pouring from his face, his heart beating out of his chest, and gasping for air. He looks around the tent, making sure that it was only a dream. "My god..." He says aloud, as he pulls back the blanket and puts on his shoes. He stands up and makes his way out of the tent.
"BJ?" He hears a voice, and quickly turns around to see Margaret looking at him in concern. "BJ?"
"Yeah?"
"Are you alright?" She asks, noticing his pale complexion.
"Fine." He says.
"You look like you have just seen a ghost." She smiles.
"Something like that..." He says, shaking his head.
"What?" She asks, confused.
"Never mind." He says.
"Are you sure you're ok?"
"Yes Margaret, I'm fine." He says, "I need to get a cup of coffee."
"Its four in the morning and you aren't on duty!" She says.
"I know." He says, heading into the mess tent, leaving Margaret standing in the middle of the compound confused. She was too tired to deal with him tonight so she figured she'd talk to him about his behavior tomorrow. BJ stays in the mess tent all night, drinking coffee and thinking.
"You're up early Hunnicut." Potter says, startling the young surgeon.
"Yeah, I didn't sleep too well last night." He tells his CO.
"Anything you want to talk about?"
"Not right now." He says, taking another sip of his coffee.
"You look like hell son, did you sleep at all last night?"
"Maybe three hours. I woke up around four and came here for some coffee."
"You have been sitting here doing nothing for almost 4 hours?"
"It would seem that way."
"What's eating you Hunnicut?"
"Nothing Colonel! I just needed time to think."
"About what?"
He sighs, knowing that there was no use getting out of telling him, "I had a really weird dream last night, it was as clear as day."
"What was it about?"
"Hawkeye..." He says sighing.
"Oh?"
"Yeah. He came into the Swamp and started talking to me and then he started telling me how I forgot about him and didn't want to remember him and how I hated him and how I should have saved him..."
"It sounds like he hit all of your fears at once."
"I have been forgetting him though Colonel. I haven't thought about him in ages. I can't remember little things about him that use to come so easy to me. I don't remember him and it has only been six months since he died. If I can't remember now, how will I remember him years from now?"
"I think you are being too hard on yourself Hunnicut." Potter says.
"I do hate him Colonel. I hate him for leaving; I hate him for leaving us."
"That's perfectly normal to feel. And, you don't really hate him BJ, you just think you do."
"So why does it feel so awful? I became friends with Lewis, and now I am forgetting Hawk. This is exactly the reason why I didn't want to get to know him! "
"You couldn't help it. When you live with someone you get to know them wither you want to or not."
"I know, but I was doing a damn good job of not in the beginning."
"Don't take your dream to heart Hunnicut. They don't mean nothing."
"So why does it feel that way?" He asks. Both men stay silent for a few minutes before BJ says, "No matter how hard I try to forget him I can't." He wipes a tear away from his eye.
"The good friends never leave you, even in death. I know exactly what you are going through BJ. It gets better, but you have to allow it to."
"The dream though... it was so real..."
"And it will be until you stop beating yourself up for Hawkeye's death!" Potter says.
"It was..."
"Horse Hockey!" Potter sputters. "I would be the first person to tell you if there was something you could have done. I'm your CO, and it's my job, but there was nothing! You will always remember Hawkeye, you will never forget him, and you will get over his death. I assure you. Take it from me BJ, I have lost a lot of friends in my time, and it never gets easier, but this too shall pass."
BJ sighs and says, "I hope your right Colonel."
"I am! Now get some shuteye Captain." He orders his Chief Surgeon a few hours of bed rest.
BJ gets back to the tent and takes out a piece of paper and a pen. He decides that it is time to write a letter to someone he should have written a while ago.
Dear Dr. Pierce,
I want to apologize to you for not writing to you sooner. I hope you are doing well. I for one am doing fine, which is something that I haven't been in a while. I have been having a really tough time dealing with Hawkeye's death, as you too probably have been having. I can't help but still blame myself for his death, and I don't know what I can do to change that. Over the past few months I have been trying to forget about him, but that has proven to be difficult because he in fact was the best friend I will ever have. I wanted to ask you if my family and I could come up and visit you in Maine sometime once the war was over. I really want to meet you and feel that I can not wait much longer to do so. Your son was a huge part of my life and I miss him terribly, but I have to move on. I also have realized that I can't forget him no matter how hard I try too. Anyway, on a happier note, I want to thank you for sending me those Medical Magazines. They have been quite useful in the past months. Up here we really aren't kept up to date on the new procedures, but with the magazines I am able to succeed as a doctor and work from the book. I feel that once I get back to Mill Valley I am going to have to stick with a large hospital to keep from being bored. I keep praying every day that this war will end soon. My daughter turns two in he beginning of July and I really want to get home for her birthday. I unfortunately missed her first, so her second is pretty important to me to make.
I hope you are well Dr. Pierce, and I also hope you keep in touch. I apologize one more for not getting back to you sooner.
Sincerely,
BJ
He mails the envelope and sends it out on the next courier. The next couple of weeks BJ remained in a hot and cold attitude, which was really starting to tick off Margaret and a few others. One second he would be perfectly happy, and the next second he would blow up at anyone within arm's length. Margaret just dealt with the mood swings, until one day he completely blew up at one of her nurses for no apparent reason.
"What is going on with you BJ?" Margaret asked him, making sure he was in a good mood.
"What do you mean?"
"You completely snapped at one of my nurses for no reason!"
"I did no..."
"Don't you dare try that 'I did not' crap with me Captain. You are touch and go all the time. I don't know wither I should talk to you or run away from you."
"Margaret, what are you talking about?! I am perfectly fine! Nothing is going on with me!" He shouts at her.
"See! You just did it! You start shouting for no apparent reason!"
"I am not!"
"Listen to yourself! My god BJ, what is going on with you!"
"There is nothing going on with me Margaret."
"Hawkeye's dead BJ! He has been dead for months! We all accepted the fact, why can't you?" She almost breaks down into tears at how blunt she was, but she had to be.
"This isn't about Hawkeye!"
"No? Then what is it about?" She asks. He stays silent. "That's what I thought. Dammit Hunnicut! It wasn't your fault he's dead! I know you are still blaming yourself for it, but it wasn't. You have been fine for months, and now all of the sudden BAM, you're a mess again! What happened?"
"It's nothing! It's stupid anyway and you won't believe me if I told you!"
"Try me."
"NO, Margaret it's really stupid."
"It must not be that stupid if you are worked up over it... so talk BJ."
"Alright, the other week I had this dream..." He stops and watches Margaret for a second before continuing, "I had a dream about Hawkeye and He came into the Swamp and started talking to me and then he started telling me how I forgot about him and didn't want to remember him and how I hated him and how I should have saved him..."
"BJ, it was just a dream! A stupid little dream."
"It was the most vivid dream I have ever had!"
"That's because you are afraid BJ. You are scared to death about forgetting him even when you have tried to. I assure you, you won't forget Hawkeye, none of us will."
"No? Then why am I forgetting little things about him? Why can't I remember things that I use to when he was alive?"
"Because it's hard to remember the little things sometimes..."
"But it's the little things that count!"
"I know that. But sometimes you will forget at the time, but never totally. BJ, you can't forget a best friend."
"I know." He says, hanging his head.
"So I would really appreciate it if you would just be Dr. Hunnicut and not Hyde." She says smiling.
"I'll try..." He says, sighing, and looking down at his feet. "I'm sorry Margaret, it's just really hard..."
"It's not going to be easy." She says, "But that's what we are here for. Talk to us BJ. I talk to you when things are bothering me!"
"I know... I'll try."
"That's all I can ask." She smiles and walks back to her tent. BJ flops down on his bed, and suddenly he hears, "Mail Call sir."
"Thanks Klinger." He says, taking the mail from him.
"No problem BJ." He says.
BJ looks through the few letters. There was two from Peg and one from Dr. Pierce. "That was quick." He says, realizing it was only a bit over two weeks since he had sent the letter to the elder Pierce.
Dear BJ,
You don't ever have to apologize for not writing back. I can only imagine how crazy it gets three miles from the front. I know I have said it before, but it was not your fault that my son is dead. He died doing what he loved, which was helping people. You will not forget about him because you care too much. I remember when my best friend died I tried for months to forget him, I hated him too for leaving me, but I just couldn't forget. Hawkeye was the same way when his friend Tommy died. Did he ever tell you about Tommy? He probably didn't, because he tried to forget about him. Tommy was over there fighting because he was a journalist. He was making a book called "You Never Hear the Bullet." It was a book written by a soldier, not a correspondent, something that has not been done before. Tommy came to visit Hawkeye and left the same day. The day after he left, his outfit was hit hard, and Tommy was mortally wounded. He was brought to Hawkeye's table and he died. Hawk couldn't save him, just like you couldn't save Hawkeye. Hawkeye beat himself up over it for a while then he tried to forget him completely, and lastly he came to grips with the reality of war. His old CO, Henry Blake told him, "There are two rules of war, one is young men die, the second is that you can't change rule number one." And these are words Hawkeye lived by during the war he told me. Please don't blame yourself for my son's death.
I am glad that you are finding use for the Medical Magazines. I know that when I read through some of the new procedures I thought about you, and had to send it because I know how quick news of new procedures travels over there, it's as slow as molasses. I too hope that the war ends quickly, and I will also put in a prayer that it end's before your daughter turns two. All fathers should be around for there kids birthdays, especially ones so young.
I would be glad to have you and your family come up to visit me in Maine. I am eager to meet you and your family, since I have heard so much about them. You just ring me up when you get home and we'll set and plan a date on when you can come up. I am anxious for the end of the war, as are you. I just hope it ends soon.
Anyway, be safe over there BJ,
Sincerely,
Daniel Pierce
BJ smiles at the letter. He was very eager to meet the man who was responsible for his best friend growing up like he did. He puts the letter down, still smiling and heads over to Post-Op.
"You look like you're in a better mood." Margaret says, her eyes a bit red.
"I feel a bit better, you on the other hand don't look so hot."
"The truth hurts more then I thought." She says, shrugging her shoulders. "I didn't mean to be that blunt about Hawkeye." She says, tearing up a bit.
"It was hard words for us both to hear, but we both have to accept it." He says, hugging the Major. He was in post-op for till 2am, when he was relieved by Jason.
"Hey Chief. I'm here to relieve you."
"Thank God." He says smiling.
"You look like you can use some sleep."
"I am in dire need for sleep. Let's go over the patients." He says smiling at his friend.
"You got it." And they walk from bed to bed. "I got it. Go get some sleep. I'll see you later."
"Good night Jason."
"Good night BJ."
BJ walks out into the chilly night and heads to his tent, flopping down on his bed. He instantly falls asleep, and a few hours later has another vivid dream...
*Dream*
"BJ...Hey BJ wake up." The familiar voice says.
"Hawkeye?" He says, looking around the Swamp for him.
"Yeah. It's me pal."
"Where are you? I can't see you." Suddenly Hawkeye appears out of no where, sitting at there poker table shuffling cards.
"We never did finish that game before I died." He smiles. "Have a seat, and let's see if I can still beat you, even if I'm dead." They sit down and play a bit of poker before Hawkeye stops, "Listen, I don't have much time left, so I am just going to come out and say it."
"Say what Hawk?"
"It's not your fault that I died BJ. I don't blame you and you shouldn't blame yourself. It was my time, and there was nothing you or I could do to stop it."
"I know Hawkeye, it's just, I feel so responsible."
"Well don't. My aorta was torn and we didn't have a graph, then it struck my liver which should have killed me a lot faster than it did. There was nothing more you could have done for me Beej. You're a doctor, you know that."
"But you're my best friend."
"You're mine too. I never had anyone I felt closer with. My dad wrote to you about Tommy, and I know how you feel. I know what it feels like to not be able to save your friend, and I know how tough it is to get over, but you have too. They need you Beej. They need you because you are their Chief Surgeon."
"I feel like I am forgetting you Hawkeye."
"You wont, trust me. You can't forget about me, because I can't forget about you. BJ, you are my best friend, and you are like a brother to me. I don't want you beating yourself up over this anymore. I am dead, I am gone, but you are alive and well. You have to keep going, and move on. I will always be here for you."
"It's not the same."
"It's not the same for me either. We'll all be together again someday, just not now. Just, please, stop blaming yourself for my death."
"Ok Hawkeye."
"Promise?"
"I promise." BJ says. "I really miss you Hawkeye."
"I miss you too, but like I said, I'm always around. If you ever need me I'll be there. Do me a favor and take care of my dad for me. He needs someone to look after him. Take care of Margaret too, and take care of yourself Beej. I'm fine, and you will be too. I'll see you around."
"See you around." BJ says to him as he watches him walk out of the swamp.
*END DREAM*
BJ sits up with a start, only this time he feels peace. He feels closure, and it was all because of a dumb dream. Never before has he had a dream that vivid before, and he was grateful for it. It felt like he and Hawkeye had their final conversation and that was just what BJ needed for closure. He smiled to himself and turned over for another couple of hours of sleep. He would be alright. He knew that he could get through this. He knew that he would never forget his best friend and that was exactly what he wanted to feel. That was exactly what he needed to get back to normal.
*****
TBC... Please R&R, but please be kind... I haven't been writing fic's that long. Thanks for all the reviews! Keep them up! If there are minor things wrong with this fic, I apologize, it was 2am when I finished it... I got an idea and had to go with it! Thanks for the Reviews!!! KEEP THEM COMING! Only a few more chapters of the fic...
*STARY*
********
The very next day, a letter arrives to BJ from home. "Mail Call!" Klinger calls to the surgeons in the Swamp. "Hunnicut! You got a letter!"
"Thanks Klinger." He smiles and takes the letter, opening it and beginning to read the familiar writing of his wife.
BJ,
I just got your letter a couple days before I sent this, which in army time was about a month ago. Erin is fine, getting big, I included a picture for you hoping to cheer you up. I don't know what to say darling, except that I am so sorry for Hawkeye dying. I felt like I knew him, and I know how close you two were from your letters. He seemed like a really swell guy and I wish I could have met him. Are you doing alright? I hope you are. I know how hard it is to lose your best friend. I wish I could be there for you, but unfortunately an ocean keeps us apart. Did you write to his father? How is he taking it? How is the camp doing with out him? Do you have a new doctor yet? Write back to me if you get a chance too darling. I love you, and I too hope to see you very soon. Please come home safe.
Love,
Peg
BJ puts the note down and shutters. He didn't want to hear anything else about Hawkeye, and it was getting to the point where he almost did want to forget about him. He almost hated him for leaving. He hated his best friend...
"Who's the letter from BJ?" Jason asks as he comes through the doors, shaking the other doctor away from his thoughts.
"My wife." He says, folding the letter back up and putting it in his pocket.
"Anything new with her?"
"She sent me a new picture of Erin." He says, looking at the picture and smiling.
"Let me see her." Jason says, walking over to BJ's side of the tent. "She's beautiful. I think she's gotten bigger than her last picture."
"Yeah, me too. I just wish I could be there to watch her grow up."
"You will be. We will all go home sometime."
"Yeah, but every new season brings doubts that this war will ever end. You're lucky, you have only been over here a few months. Me, I have been over here for a year. A whole 12 months."
"Hopefully you'll get your points then and be able to go home soon. I mean how long can they possibly keep you over here?"
"Hawkeye was here for two years..." He says. Jason knew better then to bring up Hawkeye, but when BJ talked about him, something was definitely bothering him.
"Say, Beej" Immediately BJ's eyes widened when he heard his nickname, the look went completely unnoticed by the other Captain, "What else do we need for the still? You said that you made one before, so what else do I have to get?"
"I don't remember... what do we have so far?" He asked. Jason listed off a list of items they have "acquired" from the camp. "That sounds like all of it. Let's put it together and see."
They spent the entire afternoon fixing up the still. Charles came in and scoffed at there invention and said, "Surely you are not making another one of those THINGS." He says, emphasizing the word things.
"We are, but if you ever call it a THING again Chuckles, we won't allow you to have a drink." BJ says, grinning at his other bunkmate.
"I would never stoop so low as to numb my taste buds with a foul liquor that you heathens make. I am satisfied with my Brandy thank you very much."
"Well you enjoy your little bit of Brandy that you have to savor and we will relish in the gin we make all day and night." Jason says as they finish the last part of the still. "Its beautiful." He says laughing. "Shall we try it out?"
"Lets." BJ says, handing him a glass.
"Yuck!" Lewis says coughing. "It's perfect."
BJ smiles and says, "The Finest Kind."
"We have to take turns filling her up."
"Of course." BJ says grinning. For the first time in a while BJ was able to totally forget about Hawkeye for the day... and the days of thought got longer and longer. By March, BJ realizes that his biggest fear has happened.
"What do you have there Jason?"
"A new picture of my kids." He says, smiling proudly. "Do you wanna see it?"
"Sure!" He says, excitedly. It was so nice being able to share pictures of your kids.
"They've gotten big."
"Yeah, they have. His birthday is next month."
"Hopefully we'll be home by then. I know I hope to god I make it home for Erin's second birthday. I missed the first one..." He says trailing off.
"Let's just think positive about getting home soon. I really wish I could head home before I make a year here." Lewis says, standing up and pouring himself a drink.
"I envy Radar, the lucky devil, for being able to go home. I wish it was me seeing my daughter rather than him." BJ says, grinding his teeth. It was a bit over three weeks since he had gotten the letter from Peg telling him that Radar had been called "daddy" by Erin.
"Don't worry, she'll be calling you daddy the next time she sees you. Look at the good, not the bad, and remember what I told you, it could have been any guy in a uniform who she called daddy, at least in it was one of your friends, rather than a stranger.:
"Yeah, I know." He says sighing, "But it still bothers me."
"It would bother me too Beej." Jason says.
Beej... that nickname brought back memories, memories that he has suppressed and tried to forget. He hadn't thought about Hawkeye in months, and all of the sudden he was in his mind again. My god, he had forgotten about his best friend. He had allowed the replacement to take over his best friend's spot. "BJ?" His thoughts were shaken as his attention was brought back to Jason. "You with me?"
"Huh? Oh sorry, I zoned out for a second there."
"Apparently." He says laughing. "So anyway, did you hear, they are starting peace talks again."
"Yeah, I heard. Nothing ever becomes of them."
"Oh come on Hunnicut... one day something has to become of them."
He sighs, and looks up to the top of the tent, "Someday isn't today." Both men lie on there beds and stare at the top of the ceiling. That night, while Charles is in post-op the two friends are sleeping. BJ has a vivid dream, which started off happy and ended quite poorly, which really sends him through a loop...
*Dream*
"Hey Beej! Beej wake up, come on pal!" Hawkeye says to him, standing over his bed.
"Come on Jason, knock it off."
"Jason? BJ, its Hawkeye. Wake up!"
"Hawk?" He says stirring. "It can't be you, your dead."
"Yeah, I know, but I figured I should pay you a visit."
"I don't believe it! You are dead! You can't pay me a visit."
"Sure I can. Anyway, how have you been?"
"I've been ok..." He says to his friend.
"I see you have a new surgeon."
"Yeah, his name's Jason Lewis. He's a really great guy."
"I bet." Hawkeye says. "So, I see you totally forgot about me."
"What are you talking about? Of course I didn't forget about you."
"Yes, you did. You forgot about me. We were best friends and you forgot about me. You don't want to even think about me anymore do you?"
"That's not true Hawkeye!"
"No? You don't think I would know these things? When was the last time you thought about me? When was the last time you wanted to? You wish you never met me don't you? You wish that you had never came to Korea because then you wouldn't have met me and you wouldn't feel the way you do! You hate me for putting you through the grief, and because of that blame me for the way you feel!"
"That is definitely not true! Hawk, you were my best friend..."
"Some best friend, not even being able to save me."
"You knew I couldn't save you..."
"Did I?" The dream was quickly turning from bad to worse. "If you were a better doctor you would have been able to save me! I would have made sure you were alive! You killed me."
*End Dream*
BJ sits straight up in bed, sweat pouring from his face, his heart beating out of his chest, and gasping for air. He looks around the tent, making sure that it was only a dream. "My god..." He says aloud, as he pulls back the blanket and puts on his shoes. He stands up and makes his way out of the tent.
"BJ?" He hears a voice, and quickly turns around to see Margaret looking at him in concern. "BJ?"
"Yeah?"
"Are you alright?" She asks, noticing his pale complexion.
"Fine." He says.
"You look like you have just seen a ghost." She smiles.
"Something like that..." He says, shaking his head.
"What?" She asks, confused.
"Never mind." He says.
"Are you sure you're ok?"
"Yes Margaret, I'm fine." He says, "I need to get a cup of coffee."
"Its four in the morning and you aren't on duty!" She says.
"I know." He says, heading into the mess tent, leaving Margaret standing in the middle of the compound confused. She was too tired to deal with him tonight so she figured she'd talk to him about his behavior tomorrow. BJ stays in the mess tent all night, drinking coffee and thinking.
"You're up early Hunnicut." Potter says, startling the young surgeon.
"Yeah, I didn't sleep too well last night." He tells his CO.
"Anything you want to talk about?"
"Not right now." He says, taking another sip of his coffee.
"You look like hell son, did you sleep at all last night?"
"Maybe three hours. I woke up around four and came here for some coffee."
"You have been sitting here doing nothing for almost 4 hours?"
"It would seem that way."
"What's eating you Hunnicut?"
"Nothing Colonel! I just needed time to think."
"About what?"
He sighs, knowing that there was no use getting out of telling him, "I had a really weird dream last night, it was as clear as day."
"What was it about?"
"Hawkeye..." He says sighing.
"Oh?"
"Yeah. He came into the Swamp and started talking to me and then he started telling me how I forgot about him and didn't want to remember him and how I hated him and how I should have saved him..."
"It sounds like he hit all of your fears at once."
"I have been forgetting him though Colonel. I haven't thought about him in ages. I can't remember little things about him that use to come so easy to me. I don't remember him and it has only been six months since he died. If I can't remember now, how will I remember him years from now?"
"I think you are being too hard on yourself Hunnicut." Potter says.
"I do hate him Colonel. I hate him for leaving; I hate him for leaving us."
"That's perfectly normal to feel. And, you don't really hate him BJ, you just think you do."
"So why does it feel so awful? I became friends with Lewis, and now I am forgetting Hawk. This is exactly the reason why I didn't want to get to know him! "
"You couldn't help it. When you live with someone you get to know them wither you want to or not."
"I know, but I was doing a damn good job of not in the beginning."
"Don't take your dream to heart Hunnicut. They don't mean nothing."
"So why does it feel that way?" He asks. Both men stay silent for a few minutes before BJ says, "No matter how hard I try to forget him I can't." He wipes a tear away from his eye.
"The good friends never leave you, even in death. I know exactly what you are going through BJ. It gets better, but you have to allow it to."
"The dream though... it was so real..."
"And it will be until you stop beating yourself up for Hawkeye's death!" Potter says.
"It was..."
"Horse Hockey!" Potter sputters. "I would be the first person to tell you if there was something you could have done. I'm your CO, and it's my job, but there was nothing! You will always remember Hawkeye, you will never forget him, and you will get over his death. I assure you. Take it from me BJ, I have lost a lot of friends in my time, and it never gets easier, but this too shall pass."
BJ sighs and says, "I hope your right Colonel."
"I am! Now get some shuteye Captain." He orders his Chief Surgeon a few hours of bed rest.
BJ gets back to the tent and takes out a piece of paper and a pen. He decides that it is time to write a letter to someone he should have written a while ago.
Dear Dr. Pierce,
I want to apologize to you for not writing to you sooner. I hope you are doing well. I for one am doing fine, which is something that I haven't been in a while. I have been having a really tough time dealing with Hawkeye's death, as you too probably have been having. I can't help but still blame myself for his death, and I don't know what I can do to change that. Over the past few months I have been trying to forget about him, but that has proven to be difficult because he in fact was the best friend I will ever have. I wanted to ask you if my family and I could come up and visit you in Maine sometime once the war was over. I really want to meet you and feel that I can not wait much longer to do so. Your son was a huge part of my life and I miss him terribly, but I have to move on. I also have realized that I can't forget him no matter how hard I try too. Anyway, on a happier note, I want to thank you for sending me those Medical Magazines. They have been quite useful in the past months. Up here we really aren't kept up to date on the new procedures, but with the magazines I am able to succeed as a doctor and work from the book. I feel that once I get back to Mill Valley I am going to have to stick with a large hospital to keep from being bored. I keep praying every day that this war will end soon. My daughter turns two in he beginning of July and I really want to get home for her birthday. I unfortunately missed her first, so her second is pretty important to me to make.
I hope you are well Dr. Pierce, and I also hope you keep in touch. I apologize one more for not getting back to you sooner.
Sincerely,
BJ
He mails the envelope and sends it out on the next courier. The next couple of weeks BJ remained in a hot and cold attitude, which was really starting to tick off Margaret and a few others. One second he would be perfectly happy, and the next second he would blow up at anyone within arm's length. Margaret just dealt with the mood swings, until one day he completely blew up at one of her nurses for no apparent reason.
"What is going on with you BJ?" Margaret asked him, making sure he was in a good mood.
"What do you mean?"
"You completely snapped at one of my nurses for no reason!"
"I did no..."
"Don't you dare try that 'I did not' crap with me Captain. You are touch and go all the time. I don't know wither I should talk to you or run away from you."
"Margaret, what are you talking about?! I am perfectly fine! Nothing is going on with me!" He shouts at her.
"See! You just did it! You start shouting for no apparent reason!"
"I am not!"
"Listen to yourself! My god BJ, what is going on with you!"
"There is nothing going on with me Margaret."
"Hawkeye's dead BJ! He has been dead for months! We all accepted the fact, why can't you?" She almost breaks down into tears at how blunt she was, but she had to be.
"This isn't about Hawkeye!"
"No? Then what is it about?" She asks. He stays silent. "That's what I thought. Dammit Hunnicut! It wasn't your fault he's dead! I know you are still blaming yourself for it, but it wasn't. You have been fine for months, and now all of the sudden BAM, you're a mess again! What happened?"
"It's nothing! It's stupid anyway and you won't believe me if I told you!"
"Try me."
"NO, Margaret it's really stupid."
"It must not be that stupid if you are worked up over it... so talk BJ."
"Alright, the other week I had this dream..." He stops and watches Margaret for a second before continuing, "I had a dream about Hawkeye and He came into the Swamp and started talking to me and then he started telling me how I forgot about him and didn't want to remember him and how I hated him and how I should have saved him..."
"BJ, it was just a dream! A stupid little dream."
"It was the most vivid dream I have ever had!"
"That's because you are afraid BJ. You are scared to death about forgetting him even when you have tried to. I assure you, you won't forget Hawkeye, none of us will."
"No? Then why am I forgetting little things about him? Why can't I remember things that I use to when he was alive?"
"Because it's hard to remember the little things sometimes..."
"But it's the little things that count!"
"I know that. But sometimes you will forget at the time, but never totally. BJ, you can't forget a best friend."
"I know." He says, hanging his head.
"So I would really appreciate it if you would just be Dr. Hunnicut and not Hyde." She says smiling.
"I'll try..." He says, sighing, and looking down at his feet. "I'm sorry Margaret, it's just really hard..."
"It's not going to be easy." She says, "But that's what we are here for. Talk to us BJ. I talk to you when things are bothering me!"
"I know... I'll try."
"That's all I can ask." She smiles and walks back to her tent. BJ flops down on his bed, and suddenly he hears, "Mail Call sir."
"Thanks Klinger." He says, taking the mail from him.
"No problem BJ." He says.
BJ looks through the few letters. There was two from Peg and one from Dr. Pierce. "That was quick." He says, realizing it was only a bit over two weeks since he had sent the letter to the elder Pierce.
Dear BJ,
You don't ever have to apologize for not writing back. I can only imagine how crazy it gets three miles from the front. I know I have said it before, but it was not your fault that my son is dead. He died doing what he loved, which was helping people. You will not forget about him because you care too much. I remember when my best friend died I tried for months to forget him, I hated him too for leaving me, but I just couldn't forget. Hawkeye was the same way when his friend Tommy died. Did he ever tell you about Tommy? He probably didn't, because he tried to forget about him. Tommy was over there fighting because he was a journalist. He was making a book called "You Never Hear the Bullet." It was a book written by a soldier, not a correspondent, something that has not been done before. Tommy came to visit Hawkeye and left the same day. The day after he left, his outfit was hit hard, and Tommy was mortally wounded. He was brought to Hawkeye's table and he died. Hawk couldn't save him, just like you couldn't save Hawkeye. Hawkeye beat himself up over it for a while then he tried to forget him completely, and lastly he came to grips with the reality of war. His old CO, Henry Blake told him, "There are two rules of war, one is young men die, the second is that you can't change rule number one." And these are words Hawkeye lived by during the war he told me. Please don't blame yourself for my son's death.
I am glad that you are finding use for the Medical Magazines. I know that when I read through some of the new procedures I thought about you, and had to send it because I know how quick news of new procedures travels over there, it's as slow as molasses. I too hope that the war ends quickly, and I will also put in a prayer that it end's before your daughter turns two. All fathers should be around for there kids birthdays, especially ones so young.
I would be glad to have you and your family come up to visit me in Maine. I am eager to meet you and your family, since I have heard so much about them. You just ring me up when you get home and we'll set and plan a date on when you can come up. I am anxious for the end of the war, as are you. I just hope it ends soon.
Anyway, be safe over there BJ,
Sincerely,
Daniel Pierce
BJ smiles at the letter. He was very eager to meet the man who was responsible for his best friend growing up like he did. He puts the letter down, still smiling and heads over to Post-Op.
"You look like you're in a better mood." Margaret says, her eyes a bit red.
"I feel a bit better, you on the other hand don't look so hot."
"The truth hurts more then I thought." She says, shrugging her shoulders. "I didn't mean to be that blunt about Hawkeye." She says, tearing up a bit.
"It was hard words for us both to hear, but we both have to accept it." He says, hugging the Major. He was in post-op for till 2am, when he was relieved by Jason.
"Hey Chief. I'm here to relieve you."
"Thank God." He says smiling.
"You look like you can use some sleep."
"I am in dire need for sleep. Let's go over the patients." He says smiling at his friend.
"You got it." And they walk from bed to bed. "I got it. Go get some sleep. I'll see you later."
"Good night Jason."
"Good night BJ."
BJ walks out into the chilly night and heads to his tent, flopping down on his bed. He instantly falls asleep, and a few hours later has another vivid dream...
*Dream*
"BJ...Hey BJ wake up." The familiar voice says.
"Hawkeye?" He says, looking around the Swamp for him.
"Yeah. It's me pal."
"Where are you? I can't see you." Suddenly Hawkeye appears out of no where, sitting at there poker table shuffling cards.
"We never did finish that game before I died." He smiles. "Have a seat, and let's see if I can still beat you, even if I'm dead." They sit down and play a bit of poker before Hawkeye stops, "Listen, I don't have much time left, so I am just going to come out and say it."
"Say what Hawk?"
"It's not your fault that I died BJ. I don't blame you and you shouldn't blame yourself. It was my time, and there was nothing you or I could do to stop it."
"I know Hawkeye, it's just, I feel so responsible."
"Well don't. My aorta was torn and we didn't have a graph, then it struck my liver which should have killed me a lot faster than it did. There was nothing more you could have done for me Beej. You're a doctor, you know that."
"But you're my best friend."
"You're mine too. I never had anyone I felt closer with. My dad wrote to you about Tommy, and I know how you feel. I know what it feels like to not be able to save your friend, and I know how tough it is to get over, but you have too. They need you Beej. They need you because you are their Chief Surgeon."
"I feel like I am forgetting you Hawkeye."
"You wont, trust me. You can't forget about me, because I can't forget about you. BJ, you are my best friend, and you are like a brother to me. I don't want you beating yourself up over this anymore. I am dead, I am gone, but you are alive and well. You have to keep going, and move on. I will always be here for you."
"It's not the same."
"It's not the same for me either. We'll all be together again someday, just not now. Just, please, stop blaming yourself for my death."
"Ok Hawkeye."
"Promise?"
"I promise." BJ says. "I really miss you Hawkeye."
"I miss you too, but like I said, I'm always around. If you ever need me I'll be there. Do me a favor and take care of my dad for me. He needs someone to look after him. Take care of Margaret too, and take care of yourself Beej. I'm fine, and you will be too. I'll see you around."
"See you around." BJ says to him as he watches him walk out of the swamp.
*END DREAM*
BJ sits up with a start, only this time he feels peace. He feels closure, and it was all because of a dumb dream. Never before has he had a dream that vivid before, and he was grateful for it. It felt like he and Hawkeye had their final conversation and that was just what BJ needed for closure. He smiled to himself and turned over for another couple of hours of sleep. He would be alright. He knew that he could get through this. He knew that he would never forget his best friend and that was exactly what he wanted to feel. That was exactly what he needed to get back to normal.
*****
TBC... Please R&R, but please be kind... I haven't been writing fic's that long. Thanks for all the reviews! Keep them up! If there are minor things wrong with this fic, I apologize, it was 2am when I finished it... I got an idea and had to go with it! Thanks for the Reviews!!! KEEP THEM COMING! Only a few more chapters of the fic...
*STARY*