War Is Hell

(Takes place after "Why We Fight" and ties in with my story "Me, Myself and Angelus")

It wasn't my war. It wasn't that I didn't care, it was that I didn't want to care. So I decided that I didn't. I'm not proud of how I was or what I did.

You can't change the past. You can only change you. I think I've done that but I know I have my doubts sometimes.

I had a talk with Angelus. Had a.... dream.... or something. He told me that I hadn't changed at all. That everything I'd done when we came to Wolfram and Hart was because I'm the same vampire that I was out on that sub. That I'm the same vampire who turned Lawson and abandoned him to his fate. That when the going gets tough, I do what I have to do to make the outcome what's best for me.

He would see it that way.

When you don't have a soul, all the decisions I've made, including Lawson, make sense on that level. And the best thing about it is, you don't ever have to think about it again.

But I have a soul. And I think about all I've done every day of my life. What I did to Lawson was necessary. It was wrong but, again, you can't change the past.

What I've done to my friends... I know there will be a reckoning. It took Lawson 60 years, but it came. And when it comes I'll deal with it as best I can.

What else can I do?

Puppet Theater

(Takes place after "Smile Time")

If you've lived as long as I have, you start to think you've seen everything. You think you've been everywhere and done everything. You start to think you've got it all figured out. It makes you sort of cynical. Ok, broody.

We've been here at Wolfram and Hart for months now. I've been running things, thinking I'm seeing everything.... and now I realize that I haven't been paying attention at all.

I totally missed all the signals Nina was sending me. Maybe I didn't want to see them because then I'd have to deal with it .

There was a time not so very long ago when I would have dealt with that sort of problem just fine. But that was before Buffy. Before I found out about the line I walk and what happens if I cross it. Like I told Wes, I'm not "that guy". Not anymore.

I heard what he said about the chances of Angelus making another appearance even if I gave Nina, or someone else, a chance. But the risk... well, it's there.

Problem is... I like Nina. A lot. What's not to like? She's beautiful and sweet. And, being a werewolf she understands the whole creature of the night thing better than most. I sort of had the idea that maybe that was part of why she was attracted to me.

And then I got turned into a puppet. A real felt and stuffing puppet. Hell, I could even pull my nose off and put it back on. There wasn't any part of that, that didn't suck.... well kicking Spike's ass didn't suck actually...but because of it, I did find out why Nina likes me: Because of me. Who I am. Sure, the vampire thing is part of it, but that's who I am too.

So, I think that I can have breakfast with a pretty girl and not worry so much about where it's leading. Maybe if I relax a bit I'll be able to think about some of the other things I've been looking at and not seeing. Nina's interest is one thing to miss, but in a place like Wolfram and Hart... I need to keep my eyes open. I need to see what's going on around me, right now.

Food for thought.

And I still don't know what puppets eat.

Darkness

(Takes place after "Hole In The World" and "Shells")

How many people do you have to lose before they take away your "Champion" status? I don't care about being a Champion but when I think about this role I've been given and the people I've lost... Doyle...Cordy... now Fred.... It makes me wonder. Is anyone counting the soldiers that have fallen in my mission? They should be.

I was suppose to save her. I thought about it in the well. I thought about actually damning God knows how many people to get that demon bitch back to where it belongs and out of Fred. The idea of losing her, especially after I just lost Cordy, was too much.

How pathetic must I be when Spike is actually trying to cheer me up? Said that we would have killed so many people and she wouldn't have wanted that. And he's right, she wouldn't have.

Doesn't make me feel better. When I saw Illyria for the first time in Fred's body, I wished I had done it anyway.

It was my fault.

Knox picked Fred..... Gunn signed the papers.

But I brought them to Wolfram and Hart.

I've said that before, but the truth repeated a hundred times is still the truth. Sure, we were all given "the deal". Each one of us was given the "opportunity" to say no. No one had to say yes.

Bullshit.

Ultimately it was on me. They've dedicated their lives to the mission and that mission is with me. For better or worse. Til death do us part.

Fred thought I could do it. Thought I could do anything. Thought I could save her. Maybe that's where the denial came from. Why I was so sure I could get her back, that there must be some way. Her body was altered but that's just a body. What she was, her soul, we could save her. I could save her. Because she was so sure I could.

But she's gone. Her soul... everything that was Fred is gone.

Sometimes you can't win. All reason and fairness says you are right. You fight the good fight, but it's not enough.

Sometimes the darkness wins instead.