Ah, Rome

(Takes place after "The Girl In Question")

Buffy's with the Immortal. My feelings about that are better expressed with gratuitous violence and curses screamed that the tops of my lungs but I'll try to write it anyway.

What's worse: that's she's with him, or that I had to hear about it from Andrew? Or maybe it's that there's nothing I can do about it. I'd rather she was with Spike.

Ok, so that's a lie. Truth is I'll never be happy as long as she's not with me.

I've told myself that I walked away. We had to be apart and I knew it and I had to be the one to make that decision. So I did. Given the circumstances of our lives, what future could we have together? So I left.

Only I never really did. Not in my heart.

That's the rub of it: We can't be together and we will never be apart.

Forever love. I told Spike that what she and I have. And I believe it too. How do I know? Because from the beginning I knew it was doomed and it didn't stop us.

Because even when I killed her friends, she didn't stop loving me.

Because when she sent me to Hell, I didn't stop loving her.

No matter what happens in the future, it's always going to be there. No matter who we meet or where we go, it always comes back to us. Angel and Buffy. Buffy and Angel. Forever.

Whatever she has with him won't compare. Knowing that was the only reason I could get back on that plane and come home.

Maybe Spike can move on, I think I'll envy him a little if he can.

I'll make a go of it... maybe.

So I got blown up and my heart broken and didn't even do the job I was suppose to do. But at least I feel somewhat closer to Spike.

God, now I really am depressed.

Heroes

(Takes Place after " Power Play")

Nina called me a hero.

A hero is someone who saves the day..... Or the night. Keeps everyone safe.

I haven't always been able to do that. But, I guess to her, I am one. I did save her. I've kept her safe. And now, because of me, she will be far away when this thing I've set in motion finally comes to it's head.

So that is what she sees me as.

But I saw real heroes today, standing in my office.

They raised their hands and agreed to follow me into Hell. And not for one minute did I think they wouldn't. I didn't doubt one of them. I knew they would do it.

I wish they hadn't.

After all the things I've said and done these past weeks, after seeing my potential for evil up close and personal, a quick crossbow bolt to the heart wouldn't have been un-reasonable.

But they didn't write me off. They came to me, to save me. Even Spike.

My friends. My family.

They listened to what I had to say. They listen to me tell them that I was about to go on a suicide mission and that I needed them to come with me. That we weren't going to save the world- not really. That evil would still be here after we were through. That the Senior Partners would continue on in some form for as long as humans continue on the Earth.

They raised their hands and said they would go with me. Raised their hands and agreed to die on their feet rather than live on their knees. Agreed that we could no longer just accept the way things are.

I didn't lie: I can't do it without them because if I could, I would. But it doesn't change the fact that part of me wishes they had said no.

They didn't, and now I have to lead them into a darkness that I don't think we will come out of. Not all of us, certainly. Possibly none of us.

Sometimes the darkness wins, but for one bright moment, we will stand up to it.

We will push it back and show what we are made of.

We may go down, but we will take as much of it as we can with us.

We will make a difference.

We will be heroes.