The Stand
(Takes place during "Not Fade Away", before the final moments.)
I don't want to die. I've lived 250 years as a vampire and I don't want to die any more than Wes or Gunn or any of the rest of them do.
I look at them and I think that it should be easier for me to give up my life than it is for them. I've live so long, done so much. I've had more than that "full life" everyone wants to have.
But it's not enough. I have so much more that I'd like to do before the end.
The funny thing about that is, I could just walk away. I don't really have to do this. Wolfram and Hart are going to be around after we destroy the Black Thorn. One could make the arguement that I'm throwing away my life and the lives of my friends for nothing.
I know that's not true though.
When nothing we do matters, it matters what we do. We live as though the world were the way it should be, instead of how it is. And, if it's necessary, we die rather than become part of the problem.
I write these words knowing that I've done some things lately that are less than heroic. And I still must give an order I'd rather not give. I honestly believe what I said to Lindsey- he could talk his way out of trouble and right into power. And I can't allow that. I hope that Lorne can understand and forgive me for what I am going to ask him to do.
For today, I've given them the only thing that I have to give: a little time. Told them to go and do whatever it is they want to do. To walk in the sun... except for Spike of course, to see their friends... whatever they want to do.
For me, I'm going to see Connor. My well adjusted, healthy, son. I won't tell him that it's probably the last time he'll see me. I certainly don't want him getting caught in this. I don't know if the Circle of the Black Thorn really has the power to take away the Shanshu or not. Maybe they were just jerking me around, testing me some more. Doesn't really matter though because there's always Connor. I know now what every parent knows; that they will live on through their child. And sure, it's not what the Shanshu promises, but considering I don't think that I'll make it through this night, it's more than enough.
Wolfram and Hart have been trying to control me from the first moment we crossed paths. They've looked for a way to use me, and my friends, to fulfil their vision of how I fit into their Apocalypse.
They almost had me.
But tonight I will show them that I'm not their tool. I am not something they can control.
I'm not their bitch anymore.
And when they come down on us, it will be because we took the first shot. We wrote our own ending, if it comes to that.
That's all I have left to say.... for now.
(Takes place during "Not Fade Away", before the final moments.)
I don't want to die. I've lived 250 years as a vampire and I don't want to die any more than Wes or Gunn or any of the rest of them do.
I look at them and I think that it should be easier for me to give up my life than it is for them. I've live so long, done so much. I've had more than that "full life" everyone wants to have.
But it's not enough. I have so much more that I'd like to do before the end.
The funny thing about that is, I could just walk away. I don't really have to do this. Wolfram and Hart are going to be around after we destroy the Black Thorn. One could make the arguement that I'm throwing away my life and the lives of my friends for nothing.
I know that's not true though.
When nothing we do matters, it matters what we do. We live as though the world were the way it should be, instead of how it is. And, if it's necessary, we die rather than become part of the problem.
I write these words knowing that I've done some things lately that are less than heroic. And I still must give an order I'd rather not give. I honestly believe what I said to Lindsey- he could talk his way out of trouble and right into power. And I can't allow that. I hope that Lorne can understand and forgive me for what I am going to ask him to do.
For today, I've given them the only thing that I have to give: a little time. Told them to go and do whatever it is they want to do. To walk in the sun... except for Spike of course, to see their friends... whatever they want to do.
For me, I'm going to see Connor. My well adjusted, healthy, son. I won't tell him that it's probably the last time he'll see me. I certainly don't want him getting caught in this. I don't know if the Circle of the Black Thorn really has the power to take away the Shanshu or not. Maybe they were just jerking me around, testing me some more. Doesn't really matter though because there's always Connor. I know now what every parent knows; that they will live on through their child. And sure, it's not what the Shanshu promises, but considering I don't think that I'll make it through this night, it's more than enough.
Wolfram and Hart have been trying to control me from the first moment we crossed paths. They've looked for a way to use me, and my friends, to fulfil their vision of how I fit into their Apocalypse.
They almost had me.
But tonight I will show them that I'm not their tool. I am not something they can control.
I'm not their bitch anymore.
And when they come down on us, it will be because we took the first shot. We wrote our own ending, if it comes to that.
That's all I have left to say.... for now.