Ten
From her vantage point, perched high in the shadows of Sanctuary's upper levels, Shalimar kept watch as Jesse completed another solitary circuit of the corridors below. She could see how much it was taking out of him, how he was pushing himself, but much as she wanted to go down there and bully him into stopping she knew how that would be received."Are you sure you should be doing that?" she'd asked anxiously a couple of evenings ago when she'd gone to look in on him and found him half dressed and struggling his way awkwardly into a t-shirt. "Did Adam say you could get up?"
"I have to. I need to," he'd asserted, once he'd managed to get his head out through the neck-hole so he could see her. "It's driving me nuts just lying here - I need to start getting my life back... back to normal."
Seeing him having problems getting his arm into the sleeve, and the stifled wince at the pull on damaged muscle and flesh, she'd reached out to help him but he'd glared her away with a snapped "Don't fuss!" as he'd finally pulled the garment on properly and settled it more comfortably over the dressings still protecting his healing wound. So she'd retreated, trying not to let his rejection hurt, telling herself it was just the frustration of too slow recovery talking, that as long as he was here with them where he belonged, everything would be fine.
Of course, it was still only a comparatively short time since they'd liberated him from the hospital and brought him back to Adam's care. It had been Emma's idea to pose as Centre for Disease Control officials, citing Jesse as the potential carrier of a possibly lethal infectious threat as a way of spiriting him out from under the noses of the doctors and local law enforcement. But they'd had to wait far longer than Shalimar had thought she could bear for the medical staff to stabilise his condition enough for them to put their plan in motion. With Adam tapped into the hospital's systems, he'd been able to get first hand updates on their progress through the CCTV in ER and the operating theatre which he'd then fed on to his team. She hadn't been sure, though, whether this made things better or worse.
But they'd all known Adam had been right to send them in when they heard the doctor questioning an abnormality in Jesse's blood work. It wasn't sufficient to prevent them cross-matching the right type for the transfusion he needed so badly, but definitely something she declared herself keen to get to the bottom of once they'd gotten him through surgery.
Luckily their CDC guise had given them the perfect excuse to take not only Jesse but any blood and tissue samples taken for test purposes. Their hazmat suits and the ID's Adam had produced and sent them to print out via the Helix's on-board systems had passed muster, backed up by a healthy dose of life or death urgency that they hadn't had to work too hard to make convincing. The doctor had even made it easier for them to transport him safely by insisting they took all the necessary paraphernalia he was hooked up to, without them having to display their ignorance of matters medical.
It had still been touch and go that they'd get him back to Sanctuary and Adam in time, though - his condition had deteriorated alarmingly on the journey home, and it was testament to the older man's skill that he was even standing there now. There'd been moments in those early days when the molecular's mutant physiology had come dangerously close to breaking down in the face of the massive trauma he'd suffered, when it seemed that he had neither the physical strength nor the mental desire to fight for his own survival. But, with Shalimar and Emma almost constantly on hand to offer him moral support as well as vocal and tactile encouragement to their unconscious friend, Adam had fought for him long and hard, working his magic to overcome each set-back. And slowly Jesse had come back to them.
But even once it became clear he was out of the woods physically, she hadn't been able to rid herself of the uncertainty that had been plaguing her, the worry that once he was well enough he'd still decide he didn't want to be there any more and leave again. And though she knew rationally that she could well end up pushing him to do the very thing she wanted to prevent, she just couldn't stop herself going into full-on protective mode.
Her daily routine had started to revolve completely around him, always being there in case he needed help or entertainment, enticing him to eat or, latterly, trying to stop him doing himself more harm by getting too active before he was ready. That her behaviour had proved to be a cause for concern for each her team-mates, though for very differing reasons, had been something she'd chosen to ignore.
To begin with Jesse had seemed to welcome her presence during his sporadic periods of wakefulness, but as he'd grown stronger so had her need to know exactly what had been going through his head, both before and during his self-imposed exile. He'd shown his lack of desire to talk about it through a quiet evasion that had become more and more overt as time passed, though he had made an awkward, halting attempt to apologise for not being there for her back at the warehouse when she'd caught him in an unguarded moment newly roused from sleep. She'd done her best to assure him she understood, that there was no need for apology or explanation, but she wasn't certain he was totally convinced. And that was probably because there remained a tiny part of her that still cried out to know how he could ever have left her in danger.
She'd thought she might have gotten him to say more, but he'd clammed up in the face of her gently probing questions, and since then he'd given her no opportunities to try again. In fact, he'd made it increasingly clear he was finding her attentiveness too claustrophobic for comfort, which had forced her to back off with her curiosity unsatisfied.
But that didn't mean she couldn't still keep an eye on him, just in case - or hope that maybe Emma or Adam might have more luck getting him to open up...
-o-
He knew she was watching him. He could feel her eyes following him almost hungrily, and though he thought he could do with some company, someone to take his mind off the dull ache pervading his chest as he walked, he had to admit he was glad she was keeping her distance. As important as she'd always been to him, as much as he knew he owed her, the fact was he just didn't know how to give her what she so obviously needed, the answers she wanted to hear, and he didn't have the strength to spare right now to deal with it.
Waking up here, in the familiar hush of Sanctuary, had been a pleasant surprise - and not just because it meant he wasn't dead. It had proved they hadn't abandoned him, even though he hadn't shown them the same consideration, and that had left him feeling alternately humbly content and guiltily ashamed. But it couldn't change the truth of what he'd done or the reasons why, and although at some level he knew he needed to talk it out, exorcise his demons, as yet he hadn't been able to let himself open up enough to anyone to try.
Once Adam had cut down on the drugs that had kept him asleep, held the pain at bay, he'd had a lot of time to think. But he'd mostly forced himself not to dwell too much in his recent past, telling himself he needed time to absorb all that had happened before he rushed to any decisions about his future and focussing instead on getting fit enough to actually do something about them. All he'd really wanted from those around him was simple undemanding companionship, distraction from the physical discomfort and his mind's on-going tendency to slide into introspective brooding - and for the most part that's what they'd given him. But there'd been times, and increasingly too many for his comfort, when he could sense the feral's need to know as an almost tangible thing, and out of self-preservation he'd been driven to accede to his instinctive reaction to push her away.
Not that it was just her. Though his feelings of isolation were mostly behind him, he was still finding it hard to work his way back to a position of comfort even with those he should know best. And at times it was like he didn't know them at all. Shal's smothering, Emma's distant but constant presence, Brennan's too-friendly bonhomie during his irregular visits - no one was behaving as he expected them to, particularly given his actions, and that was as confusing as hell.
Only Adam seemed to have remained consistent - more pre-occupied with his physical condition than what was going on in his mind. But while that was reassuring to begin with, he'd begun to realise how much he missed the easygoing relationships of his early days with Mutant X, when to know Adam was to trust him, implicitly and without question. When he'd felt able to talk to him about anything and everything, to thrash out the issues that were bothering him, knowing that their mentor always had only their best interests at heart. Now it seemed they couldn't have a meaningful exchange without him wondering about ulterior motives and unwanted revelations, what dark secrets from an increasingly murky past were going to leap up and bite them next.
Lost in thought, the message his body was trying to send him about indulging in way too much exercise went unheeded until it conjured up a wave of dizziness that had him hanging on to the nearest wall with his eyes closed, praying it would pass quickly, at least enough that he'd have some chance of making it to a chair. But when he opened them again, he was surprised to see Adam standing a few yards away observing him with folded arms and a raised eyebrow, as if conjured up by his wishful musings.
Mustering a glare, he took a surreptitious steadying breath and pushed himself upright again. "What?" he said, his tone and expression almost daring the man to comment. But he found the nonchalant shrug and half smile he got in response almost more confrontational than being bawled out, and that put him instantly on the defensive.
"I know what I'm doing, you know. I've got this under control. You don't need to keep checking up on me."
Again, the little smile. "Oh, I wasn't. I was just passing." But he showed no sign of moving on, and there was no way Jesse was going to demonstrate how rubbery his legs had suddenly become by trying to cross the space between them and beyond to where the nearest available seat beckoned.
"So, what are you going to do, Adam? Rap my knuckles and pack me off to bed again with a glass of warm milk and a bedtime story?"
"Not if you don't want to go," Adam said mildly. "You're more than old enough to make your own decisions about that. It would perhaps be a more comfortable place to pass out than here, though."
Words of hot denial and hostile counter-claim sprang instantly to Jesse's tongue, but something in the older man's expression made him hold back - something he couldn't remember seeing there in a long time. Care and concern a plenty - that had never been in doubt, not really, even when it had appeared the reasons for them had been not entirely altruistic. But now he thought he could also see understanding, and perhaps an invitation, and that sapped the aggression from him along with the remains of his energy. With a sigh, he wobbled in the direction of the now very welcome couch, accepting the steadying hand under his elbow as he passed by and the much needed support to get him the rest of the way.
They sat in silence for a few minutes, as if neither of them knew how to start a conversation that had the potential to be deeper and more revealing than either would find comfortable. In fact, only one of them was even trying to find the right words - the other was quite happy to just be there as long as it took for him to do so.
While he waited, Adam fought the urge to cast a sideways glance Jesse's way, knowing without looking what he'd see. Too thin, too pale, too haunted and way, way too serious - he couldn't remember the last time he'd heard the infectious giggle that used to follow the successful execution of some prank or another, and he knew that he was largely to blame. Not just because he'd been too preoccupied with his own problems recently to pay enough attention to what was going on with those he'd devoted himself to protecting, though that was a major part of it. But even when he'd reluctantly had to involve them in order to get to his enemies before they got the upper hand, he'd found himself unable to give them the explanations and reassurance they needed, in his desire to protect them further. And that had created an atmosphere of mistrust and torn loyalties in which laughter had seemed to have little place.
The problem was, he didn't really see how he could change that without jeopardizing everything he'd achieved so far, a dilemma that had kept him from doing this sooner. But he knew he'd failed Jesse before by not recognising his unspoken cry for help and, if nothing else, he wanted to put that right. If he could get a laugh out of him in the process, so much the better!
All he needed was for the molecular to give him a place to begin. Which, prefaced by a deep inhalation of air, he did.
"I didn't mean to hurt anyone. That's why I left - so I wouldn't any more, couldn't..."
Adam wasn't totally sure he was only referring to the child, but it didn't really matter. What was important was to keep him talking now he'd started, so he just said softly, "I know."
"I thought, if I could get away from all this, go back to who I used to be, I could make sure it didn't happen again, make sure no one could ever be put at risk because of me." He paused, long enough to have Adam wondering if that was it, before he whispered, "And maybe find a way to put it behind me, find some peace."
More silence, until the older man broke it by asking carefully, "Did it work?"
Jesse snorted, waving his hand vaguely towards his chest. "Not exactly." He went quiet again, for a long time, and when Adam looked his way he could see the signs of some sort of internal struggle flitting across his features. Eventually he seemed to come to a decision, though. "I thought I'd died."
Adam realised Jesse had never actually asked him anything about events between the shooting and his eventual awakening, and though he'd assumed one of the others had probably filled him in, it looked like they might have sketched over some key details. "You did. Well, technically, for a few minutes. But luckily for us they were able to revive you."
Jesse's eyes slid his way briefly, eyebrows rising as he said, "Really? Ah..." as if that explained something he'd been puzzling over. "Something happened... while I was unconscious. I... I thought I saw someone... It was a long way from here, so far I didn't think there was a way back for me. It seemed like I was there forever, searching, looking for..." The sentence went unfinished, the pause punctuated with a heavy sigh. "She sent me away, though, told me I couldn't go with her, that I belonged somewhere else, and I thought I was getting exactly what I deserved. But then I woke up here, so..." He tailed off, staring blindly ahead, obviously lost in whatever he was seeing behind the unfocussed blue of his gaze.
Unwilling to let him leave it there when he'd come so far, Adam gave him a few moments before prompting gently, "What did you find out there, Jesse?"
The younger man shook himself out of his reverie and tilted his head back to look up at the ceiling as he thought about the question, eventually offering, "Hope? Acceptance? Forgiveness? I don't know." He shrugged. "It wasn't real anyway, so I guess it could have been anything I chose."
"It was as real as you want it to be. As you need it to be."
"Maybe." But the word echoed with uncertainty.
"Was it enough, though?" The big question, Adam thought, holding his breath through the long seconds that followed until the answer came.
"I... I think so. I hope so..." And this time there seemed to be a little more conviction behind the words.
Adam smiled warmly at his companion, reaching a hand to squeeze his arm in encouragement. "I hope so, too. But remember, whatever you decide, whatever you feel you need to do, you don't have to do it alone. There'll always be a place for you here. This will always be your home."
It was Jesse's turn to say, "I know. And thank you," he added as he climbed stiffly to his feet, his firm gaze catching and holding the dark eyes looking up at him to reinforce the words. "I think I'll head back to my room now." He declined the offer of assistance with typical independence, moving slowly away. At the corner, though, he paused and turned back.
"You know, whatever else I've learned, one thing's for certain - being bullet-proof is far preferable to the alternative." And with a broad, if somewhat wry, grin he was gone.
OK, so not quite the belly laugh Adam would have liked, but he'd have to put it down as a step in the right direction.
And high above them Shalimar wiped a hand under her eyes, dispatching the traitorous dampness that had somehow materialised there, and smiled to herself as she padded away towards her room.
-o-TBC