The Real Thing
The silence hung between them for a second, then Faith gave a short burst of laughter before clamming up and looking at her seriously. "Really? I mean -- I'm a little disappointed. I always thought -- Spike? And well, you? You and Spike? I just thought that would be -- "
"Oh," Buffy nodded firmly. "Believe me. I know. We had so been there, and it had been --" A visible shiver traveled through her body. "But that night, it was just -- everything was off, everything was wrong. It wasn't him," she said quickly. "I mean, it wasn't exactly just him, wasn't exactly just me. It was us. First we were all, 'What do you wanna do?' 'I dunno, what do you wanna do?' And believe me, that had just never been an issue before. It was always just grab each other and whoever ends up on top wins. Plus it was the basement, and everybody was upstairs and I guess we were thinking about that and trying to be quiet, and the bed was too small and -- I mean, it was Parker Abrams bad. Not that it means anything to you but, well, college boy."
"'Nuff said."
"So we get done, which does not take all that long. We're both kind of lying there, not really looking at each other. And it gets to that moment where you know you're going to have to say something. And there's not really a right thing to say, because hey, he's not an idiot, but there's still that moment."
"I know that moment," Faith agreed. "I don't always respect that moment, but I am not so completely lacking in the social clues that I don't realize it's there."
"So finally I said --" She gulped and scrunched her eyes together, signalling her awareness of the complete idiocy of the comment she was about to repeat. "'Well,' I said, 'That was sweet.'"
"Oh!" Faith's eyes widened and her mouth dropped open in horror. "B, you didn't."
"As soon as I said it, I wanted to take it back, but. . ." She shook her head and whistled. "Boy howdy. He's on his feet talking about how I don't need to patronize him and I've never appreciated a bloody thing he's done for me, and besides, the whole having-a-soul is messing with his mojo, and as for me my heart clearly wasn't in it and that was obviously because I'd spent the whole time thinking about Angel."
"Oh," Faith winced. "He really was turning into a man, wasn't he?"
"No kidding -- And I came back with, you know, the usual. I'm busy saving the world here, I don't have the time to tiptoe around his fragile ego, and he's the one who keeps dragging Angel into it -- and, like I said, this is going on while everybody I know in the whole world is right upstairs, and we're trying not to raise our voices, and we're right in each other's face. And suddenly, it's like every other fight we've been having for six years, except fewer clothes and, you know. Weapons. But even that, I swear, might have changed pretty fast. Because we were that mad at each other. And then we're looking straight into each other's eyes, about as close as two people can be to each other, and then. . ." Buffy shook her head. "Then both of us. At exactly, and I mean exactly, the same time." She swallowed. "Laughed."
"Laughed," Faith repeated. "And that helped?"
"I swear, if one of us had started a second before the other. If the timing had been any different, he might be dust or I might have my throat ripped out, and a mega army of vampires might be running amok all over the Western Hemisphere as we speak."
"On the last part? Don't flatter yourself. We'da found a way. But for the rest of it? I'm not sure I follow."
"I wasn't even sure what was funny at first. And as for him, I wasn't sure what I was hearing. Because Spike really doesn't -- he didn't -- I mean, the whole 'bwa - ha - ha I have a diabolical plan' laugh, but he was pretty much over that. And the whole bitter, let me mock how much of a wanker somebody else is, to feel better about myself laugh, we all knew that one. But I don't know if I'd ever heard him laugh just because he was happy. Or something was funny. And this wasn't exactly either of those things, but at the same time it was sort of both. Because in a couple hours the Hellmouth is going to swallow us all, and the weight of the world is on our shoulders, and the two of us are here having this idiotic fight about bad sex." She swallowed. "And for a second there, we both see it -- that I'm just a woman and he's just a man and, even though that's not exactly true, at that moment it is true, and none of the rest of it, dead or alive or vampire or slayer, none of that matters even a little bit. And so -" Buffy forced a smile. "He said we could always try again, and I said 'OK, but remember that we have to get up in the morning and save the world.'" To her surprise, Buffy felt the forced smile relax into a genuine one. "And so we fell asleep and we woke up, and -" She shrugged. "We came, we saw, we saved. Weird thing was, we've done the apocalypse thing so many times. We've braced ourselves to face these terrible losses, and yeah, they have been terrible. But we've never really lost -- I mean, we've lost people, but they've never been -- the worst losses were the ones I wasn't prepared for. Mom and Tara, those came out of nowhere. Whenever we got all geared up to fight the big bad, we didn't end up losing anyone --"
"That you cared about," Faith said.
"Well, except for, you know. Me. And Angel of course. But he came back. And I came back. So I guess in spite of all the speeches, I wasn't really prepared for Spike to just be gone. I guess part of me thought he really was going to live forever and that there would be time -- God," she said. "What's this wet on my face?" She tried to smile an apology at Faith. "I guess maybe I am a little grieve-y. God," she dabbed at her eyes. "Now I'm embarrassed. I didn't really mean to -- you of all people. I'm not sure you wanted to know."
"And you don't exactly trust me to keep it to myself?"
Buffy colored. "No, no. That's not what I meant." She swallowed. "Not exactly. It's just you have to understand how important this is to me. I haven't told a soul. Or --" She frowned. "Anyone without a soul, for that matter. So it would help me to know that you'll"
"Harriet."
"Hmm?"
"Harriet Joanne Smith. That's what's on my birth certificate. Or would be, if such a thing existed."
Buffy blinked. "Oh, so I'm -- " She frowned. "I'm not sure -- "
"Well, you've got dirt on me now. If I ever blab a word about you and your Spike-related grieviness, you can share that juicy tidbit with the whole Scooby Gang." She laughed. "Can you imagine what Xander Harris would do with that information?"
Feeling the tears mix with her swelling laughter, Buffy said, "Hey you two should get married. Harriet Harris."
"We'll have twins," Faith said gravely. "Boy and a girl. Harry and Xandretta. They'll get his strength and agility, my brains and carpentry skills."
"That's maybe the awfulest thing I ever heard. I mean, your brains are OK," Buffy said quickly.
"Never said they weren't." Faith leveled a finger at her. "And I wield a mean jigsaw too."
"They're not so bad. But then --" She sighed. "It's been four months since that night, Faith. And -- OK, this is going to sound hopelessly idiotic, and way off the subject, but stick with me. You know how Andrew really likes Star Trek?"
"For God's sake, I hope this is way off the subject."
"Trust me. He and Xander have been getting Dawn into it, too. And a while ago, she showed me something Andrew wrote that he had e-mailed her. It was sort of like a short story, I guess, but --" She wrinkled her nose. "The writing wasn't very prose-like. Or, you know. Short. But it took place on the Enterprise. I mean, the new one or -maybe the new one's the old one, I can't keep it all straight. The one with Captain Archer? Anyway, the main character in Andrew's story is this girl named Andrea. She gets hired on the Enterprise, and her first day on the job, she helps Captain Archer fight the -- well, the Romans, or something. And they have something that, I presume was meant to be sex, though like I said. Not so proselike. But before they can be together more than that once, there's a reactor meltdown, and Captain Archer dies. Well, nine months later? Andrea's the new captain, stopping long enough to pop out the boy-girl twins."
"Oh Lord," said Faith. "That really might be the awfulest thing I've ever heard."
"Oh yeah," said Buffy. "And reading it, I just bawled and I couldn't even tell Dawn what was wrong." She shook her head. "I mean, it's such an ridiculous thing to think. Who could even imagine dealing with one little Spike offspring?"
"His pleasant disposition and your fashion sense?" Faith suggested. "His impulse control and your driving skills? Plus vampires can't have kids. There's never been a single case. Everybody knows that."
"But there's still a part of me that feels like that would be a happy ending. Or a happy something. A resolution. How dopey is that?"
Faith tilted her head to the side then moved it around, as if considering Buffy's face from every possible angle.
"What?" Buffy asked.
Faith placed her hands on the table, leaned across, and brushed a soft kiss onto Buffy's lips.
"Hey!" Buffy gasped, and just as quickly Faith was back in her own seat. "What was --?"
Faith shrugged, and slumped back in the chair as if it made no difference to her at all. "Another kind of happy ending to think about," she said.
"Really," Buffy stammered. "Really, I'm flattered but. . . I don't really. . . I'm not."
"Well, I'm not really, either. But for another hot chick with superpowers, I might make an exception."
"But I don't think I'd -- I mean, Willow's my best friend, and I think if I was, and if I was going to --"
"And I don't think it works that way."
"No," Buffy sighed. "It definitely doesn't."
To Buffy's continued stare, Faith said. "Ease up, I just thought you were cute right then. I'm not proposing. Just thought I'd put it out there."
"Well, out there is where it will have to stay? At least --" Buffy swallowed. "For now. A few too many things for me to process at a time."
Faith lowered her eyes and traced an invisible pattern on the table. "So you never got a chance to tell him."
"Huh?"
"Spike. You realized you loved him, but you never got a chance --"
"I don't think I ever said 'loved.'"
"B --" Faith sighed. "Come on. It's me. I know you. Hell, I've been you. I'm your better half, like it or not. Man or beast, champion or chump, you loved the guy, and his shadow's hanging over everything you do. Still."
"Maybe," Buffy answered. "But maybe it's lifting a little." She looked up at the lowering darkness, noticing for the first time how the day had faded. Standing, she stretched and said. "Yes, I loved him. And no, I never told him." Forgive me, then, she said in her head, begging Spike, wherever he was, to let the little lie go. But no voice answered her. The shadow was lifting. There was no one there. Faith rose and followed her, into the sunset.
"The past isn't dead. It isn't even past." -- William Faulkner
The silence hung between them for a second, then Faith gave a short burst of laughter before clamming up and looking at her seriously. "Really? I mean -- I'm a little disappointed. I always thought -- Spike? And well, you? You and Spike? I just thought that would be -- "
"Oh," Buffy nodded firmly. "Believe me. I know. We had so been there, and it had been --" A visible shiver traveled through her body. "But that night, it was just -- everything was off, everything was wrong. It wasn't him," she said quickly. "I mean, it wasn't exactly just him, wasn't exactly just me. It was us. First we were all, 'What do you wanna do?' 'I dunno, what do you wanna do?' And believe me, that had just never been an issue before. It was always just grab each other and whoever ends up on top wins. Plus it was the basement, and everybody was upstairs and I guess we were thinking about that and trying to be quiet, and the bed was too small and -- I mean, it was Parker Abrams bad. Not that it means anything to you but, well, college boy."
"'Nuff said."
"So we get done, which does not take all that long. We're both kind of lying there, not really looking at each other. And it gets to that moment where you know you're going to have to say something. And there's not really a right thing to say, because hey, he's not an idiot, but there's still that moment."
"I know that moment," Faith agreed. "I don't always respect that moment, but I am not so completely lacking in the social clues that I don't realize it's there."
"So finally I said --" She gulped and scrunched her eyes together, signalling her awareness of the complete idiocy of the comment she was about to repeat. "'Well,' I said, 'That was sweet.'"
"Oh!" Faith's eyes widened and her mouth dropped open in horror. "B, you didn't."
"As soon as I said it, I wanted to take it back, but. . ." She shook her head and whistled. "Boy howdy. He's on his feet talking about how I don't need to patronize him and I've never appreciated a bloody thing he's done for me, and besides, the whole having-a-soul is messing with his mojo, and as for me my heart clearly wasn't in it and that was obviously because I'd spent the whole time thinking about Angel."
"Oh," Faith winced. "He really was turning into a man, wasn't he?"
"No kidding -- And I came back with, you know, the usual. I'm busy saving the world here, I don't have the time to tiptoe around his fragile ego, and he's the one who keeps dragging Angel into it -- and, like I said, this is going on while everybody I know in the whole world is right upstairs, and we're trying not to raise our voices, and we're right in each other's face. And suddenly, it's like every other fight we've been having for six years, except fewer clothes and, you know. Weapons. But even that, I swear, might have changed pretty fast. Because we were that mad at each other. And then we're looking straight into each other's eyes, about as close as two people can be to each other, and then. . ." Buffy shook her head. "Then both of us. At exactly, and I mean exactly, the same time." She swallowed. "Laughed."
"Laughed," Faith repeated. "And that helped?"
"I swear, if one of us had started a second before the other. If the timing had been any different, he might be dust or I might have my throat ripped out, and a mega army of vampires might be running amok all over the Western Hemisphere as we speak."
"On the last part? Don't flatter yourself. We'da found a way. But for the rest of it? I'm not sure I follow."
"I wasn't even sure what was funny at first. And as for him, I wasn't sure what I was hearing. Because Spike really doesn't -- he didn't -- I mean, the whole 'bwa - ha - ha I have a diabolical plan' laugh, but he was pretty much over that. And the whole bitter, let me mock how much of a wanker somebody else is, to feel better about myself laugh, we all knew that one. But I don't know if I'd ever heard him laugh just because he was happy. Or something was funny. And this wasn't exactly either of those things, but at the same time it was sort of both. Because in a couple hours the Hellmouth is going to swallow us all, and the weight of the world is on our shoulders, and the two of us are here having this idiotic fight about bad sex." She swallowed. "And for a second there, we both see it -- that I'm just a woman and he's just a man and, even though that's not exactly true, at that moment it is true, and none of the rest of it, dead or alive or vampire or slayer, none of that matters even a little bit. And so -" Buffy forced a smile. "He said we could always try again, and I said 'OK, but remember that we have to get up in the morning and save the world.'" To her surprise, Buffy felt the forced smile relax into a genuine one. "And so we fell asleep and we woke up, and -" She shrugged. "We came, we saw, we saved. Weird thing was, we've done the apocalypse thing so many times. We've braced ourselves to face these terrible losses, and yeah, they have been terrible. But we've never really lost -- I mean, we've lost people, but they've never been -- the worst losses were the ones I wasn't prepared for. Mom and Tara, those came out of nowhere. Whenever we got all geared up to fight the big bad, we didn't end up losing anyone --"
"That you cared about," Faith said.
"Well, except for, you know. Me. And Angel of course. But he came back. And I came back. So I guess in spite of all the speeches, I wasn't really prepared for Spike to just be gone. I guess part of me thought he really was going to live forever and that there would be time -- God," she said. "What's this wet on my face?" She tried to smile an apology at Faith. "I guess maybe I am a little grieve-y. God," she dabbed at her eyes. "Now I'm embarrassed. I didn't really mean to -- you of all people. I'm not sure you wanted to know."
"And you don't exactly trust me to keep it to myself?"
Buffy colored. "No, no. That's not what I meant." She swallowed. "Not exactly. It's just you have to understand how important this is to me. I haven't told a soul. Or --" She frowned. "Anyone without a soul, for that matter. So it would help me to know that you'll"
"Harriet."
"Hmm?"
"Harriet Joanne Smith. That's what's on my birth certificate. Or would be, if such a thing existed."
Buffy blinked. "Oh, so I'm -- " She frowned. "I'm not sure -- "
"Well, you've got dirt on me now. If I ever blab a word about you and your Spike-related grieviness, you can share that juicy tidbit with the whole Scooby Gang." She laughed. "Can you imagine what Xander Harris would do with that information?"
Feeling the tears mix with her swelling laughter, Buffy said, "Hey you two should get married. Harriet Harris."
"We'll have twins," Faith said gravely. "Boy and a girl. Harry and Xandretta. They'll get his strength and agility, my brains and carpentry skills."
"That's maybe the awfulest thing I ever heard. I mean, your brains are OK," Buffy said quickly.
"Never said they weren't." Faith leveled a finger at her. "And I wield a mean jigsaw too."
"They're not so bad. But then --" She sighed. "It's been four months since that night, Faith. And -- OK, this is going to sound hopelessly idiotic, and way off the subject, but stick with me. You know how Andrew really likes Star Trek?"
"For God's sake, I hope this is way off the subject."
"Trust me. He and Xander have been getting Dawn into it, too. And a while ago, she showed me something Andrew wrote that he had e-mailed her. It was sort of like a short story, I guess, but --" She wrinkled her nose. "The writing wasn't very prose-like. Or, you know. Short. But it took place on the Enterprise. I mean, the new one or -maybe the new one's the old one, I can't keep it all straight. The one with Captain Archer? Anyway, the main character in Andrew's story is this girl named Andrea. She gets hired on the Enterprise, and her first day on the job, she helps Captain Archer fight the -- well, the Romans, or something. And they have something that, I presume was meant to be sex, though like I said. Not so proselike. But before they can be together more than that once, there's a reactor meltdown, and Captain Archer dies. Well, nine months later? Andrea's the new captain, stopping long enough to pop out the boy-girl twins."
"Oh Lord," said Faith. "That really might be the awfulest thing I've ever heard."
"Oh yeah," said Buffy. "And reading it, I just bawled and I couldn't even tell Dawn what was wrong." She shook her head. "I mean, it's such an ridiculous thing to think. Who could even imagine dealing with one little Spike offspring?"
"His pleasant disposition and your fashion sense?" Faith suggested. "His impulse control and your driving skills? Plus vampires can't have kids. There's never been a single case. Everybody knows that."
"But there's still a part of me that feels like that would be a happy ending. Or a happy something. A resolution. How dopey is that?"
Faith tilted her head to the side then moved it around, as if considering Buffy's face from every possible angle.
"What?" Buffy asked.
Faith placed her hands on the table, leaned across, and brushed a soft kiss onto Buffy's lips.
"Hey!" Buffy gasped, and just as quickly Faith was back in her own seat. "What was --?"
Faith shrugged, and slumped back in the chair as if it made no difference to her at all. "Another kind of happy ending to think about," she said.
"Really," Buffy stammered. "Really, I'm flattered but. . . I don't really. . . I'm not."
"Well, I'm not really, either. But for another hot chick with superpowers, I might make an exception."
"But I don't think I'd -- I mean, Willow's my best friend, and I think if I was, and if I was going to --"
"And I don't think it works that way."
"No," Buffy sighed. "It definitely doesn't."
To Buffy's continued stare, Faith said. "Ease up, I just thought you were cute right then. I'm not proposing. Just thought I'd put it out there."
"Well, out there is where it will have to stay? At least --" Buffy swallowed. "For now. A few too many things for me to process at a time."
Faith lowered her eyes and traced an invisible pattern on the table. "So you never got a chance to tell him."
"Huh?"
"Spike. You realized you loved him, but you never got a chance --"
"I don't think I ever said 'loved.'"
"B --" Faith sighed. "Come on. It's me. I know you. Hell, I've been you. I'm your better half, like it or not. Man or beast, champion or chump, you loved the guy, and his shadow's hanging over everything you do. Still."
"Maybe," Buffy answered. "But maybe it's lifting a little." She looked up at the lowering darkness, noticing for the first time how the day had faded. Standing, she stretched and said. "Yes, I loved him. And no, I never told him." Forgive me, then, she said in her head, begging Spike, wherever he was, to let the little lie go. But no voice answered her. The shadow was lifting. There was no one there. Faith rose and followed her, into the sunset.
"The past isn't dead. It isn't even past." -- William Faulkner