Thrice Defying of the Ever Persistent Lord Voldemort
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It was a normal day at Godric's Hollow. The happily married couple (aside from random bickering and squabbles that ultimately resulted in James taking slumber on the living room couch) strolled across the lawn, giddy with excitement at the prospect of the new addition to their family, which their doctor had only just diagnosed.
James and Lily entered the tranquil dwellings, each reflecting upon the changes that were to occur in the not so distant future.
James pulled out the dining room chair for his expectant wife, demonstrating his Potter Charm was still at best. He flashed her a dazzling grin, one that was sure to knock most girls off their feet.
"Heat up some tea," Lily demanded. "And don't forget to clean up those dishes you used this morning."
Hey, we said most.
An owl fluttered past the angrily scrubbing James and landed on the wooden table.
"Oh, hello," Lily cooed, stroking the jet black owl. Shadows seemed to cast over the creature, creating an eerie resemblance to dark demons, its eyes cold and malicious. The evil foreboding cut into the tranquility with an intense force, a gloomy atmosphere arising with its presence.
"Oh, we've received a letter!" James responded happily, clasping his hands in delight. "Read it, read it!"
Lily cleared her throat...
LORD VOLDEMORT'S CREW of DOOM and DEMISE
Head Honcho: Lord Voldemort (Order of Saruman, Second Class, Nominee for Chf. Warlock, Supreme Anti- Mugwump, International Confed. of Really Mean Wizards)
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Potter,
We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted into Lord Voldemort's Crew of Doom and Demise. Please accept or decline by circling yes or no below.
Yes No
We anxiously await your owl by no later than January 31.
Yours Sincerely,
Lord Voldemort
Head Honcho
P.S. - To help us help you, please leave comments in the spaces provided below.
Head Honcho Lord Voldemort:
We regretfully decline your offer, due to the anticipated arrival of a new addition to our family (a baby).
"Whoosh!"
"Weeeeee!"
"Woohoo!"
"Thud."
"Wooooo!"
"James! Sirius! Stop playing with your Quidditch dolls and fetch me some watermelon."
"It's January!" James exclaimed. "And they're not dolls, they're action figures."
"Dolls," Lily called back from the kitchen.
"Action Figures!" James protested.
"Dolls!"
"Action Figures!"
"Dolls-,"
"Hey, what's this?" Sirius asked, wandering over to the kitchen table. "Lord Voldemort's Crew of Doom and Demise..." A frown deepened on his face as he scanned over the contents of the letter. He looked up at James and Lily. "Why wasn't I invited?"
James grabbed the letter from Sirius, ignoring his pitiful whine. "He's sent another one?!"
"Huh," Lily commented, looking over James's shoulder. "At least he's got persistance. I like that in a man."
James and Sirius looked up at her, eyebrows raised.
As Lily's stomach got bigger, so did her temper. James found it was most unbearable to be in the same house as Lily, so decided they should head out to Diagon Alley. It was much more spacious here, allowing James to escape her wrath if need be.
"Hello James, Lily," Mr. and Mrs. Longbottom cordially greeted.
"Hello Alice," Lily smiled, and James shook Frank's hand.
"So Frank," James began, as the couples walked into The Leaky Cauldron, "How have things been?"
"Alright, except for these blasted letters we've been receiving."
"Oh, you've been getting them too?" Lily asked. "We've gotten them twice already, and twice defied him."
Frank and Alice gasped. "Us too!"
Just as they spoke these words two black, foreboding owls flew into the pub, swooping down toward their destinations, emitting a chill enough to freeze a Hippogriff's blood.
A nearby waitress stopped mid-order. "Oh, you've received a letter!"
The four adults sighed. "Indeed."
Dear Head Honcho, Lord Voldemort,
We, the Potters and Longbottoms have decided to respond to your letter as thus...
We hereby declare a thrice defiment to your latest proposal. There are many reasons for refusing the position you offer in this intriguing proposition. Such as:
1) There are several rumors floating around that you are evil.
2) Dumbledore has informed us that you can be a bit intolerable at times. (Cranky, mood swings, etc.)
3) We are inexperienced shadow-lurkers, and due to the fact that most of the Dark Arts consist of shadow-lurking, we believe we would be extremely unqualified.
We sincerely hope you are not offended and/or upset by this, and wish you the best of luck on finding replacements for the 'crew'.
P.S. May we suggest Peter Pettigrew? He currently holds no job, and would be eager to fill this position.
Meanwhile, back in Lord Voldemort's Lair...
Voldemort paced through the dank room, apprehensively awaiting the return owl. Bringing back an old childhood habit, he drew his fingernails to his mouth, gnawing nervously.
"Now Voldemort," Peter squeaked, gently drawing his Master's hand away from his chattering teeth. "You have such beautiful nails, don't ruin them."
"Shut up Pettigrew!"
The owls flew in with the letter he had long anticipated. He unfolded the parchment, and Peter jumped up to look over his shoulder, to see what was written.
Voldemort's face dropped as he recognized the familiar response.
"De-nied," Peter exclaimed, laughing. He stopped immediately at a menacing glare from Voldemort.
He always forgot hood talk was forbidden in the lair.
"Peter," Voldemort demanded, "parchment, quill, now!" Just as Peter scrambled to meet his request, he added, "The... red ink."
"No," Peter gasped. "Not the..."
"Yes. The red ink."
The Potters were overjoyed at the arrival of their new bouncing baby boy, and nothing could dampen their spirits. The elation that filled the air was overwhelming, sending traces of happiness in even the smallest crevice.
"Oh James," Lily sighed, "I'm so overjoyed at the arrival of our new bouncing baby boy."
"As am I," James agreed. "The elation in the room is overwhelming, for it seems even the smallest crevice is filled with happiness."
The distinguishable black bird flew into their happy home, casting shadows even in the smallest crevice.
"Oh look, a letter!"
"Yes, yes, indeed. It must be a card of congratulations. Shall we open it?"
"We shall!"
Lily hastily unfolded the parchment...
NOW YOU MUST DIE.
-Voldemort
A/N: Heyheyhey everyone! This is a fanfic just for kicks, and if you enjoyed as much as we did writing it (doubtful.. we were on a Dr. Pepper high the entire time) then review! Maybe we'll provide another chapter, but only if you tell us your (positive) opinions! Fare thee well... until next time...