AN : This little fic was inspired by U2's song Staring at the sun. I put the lyrics at the end of the chapter, but I don't consider it as a song-fic. There might be another chapter... We'll see! (You must know that English is not my first language so forgive me for some errors, I do my best!) Please leave me a little word :)
Early 6th year September...
He laid in the grass below the oldest willow of the grounds. Half facing the Forbidden Forest, lost in his thoughts. Or was he lost in his thoughts? Trying to forget them would better describe the situation. His mind was blank. No matter how hard he just tried to do it last term, it was now that he really understood and welcomed the calm beneath this unemotional mask. The sun was high again in this hot long summer. He stared at the sun. All in an instant, he couldn't see anything. He had became blind, overwhelmed by the power of it. He closed his eyes and felt the sun, happy to find something that could still warm his heart. It was hard these days.
He was under his father's invisibility cloak. He was sick that everyone could see his every move, but had become used to it eventually. But, sometimes they didn't understand to let him be. He was able to spend some time alone. He had loads of practice when he was young... Actually, it made him feel better. There were some times when he needed to be alone. And he continued to don't try to think too much hoping he could one day don't think at all, even behind his cold mask.
He didn't want to really take the time and look inside. He would only find sorrows, guilt, doubt and sadness, add to this, the feeling he was not ready (and would probably never be) to face a destiny he could not choose, namely Voldemort. He knew he could count on Ron, Lupin or Hermione, or even all the DA group. But would it be enough? Will he lead them to their deaths too? Deep inside, he would see what he'd soon have to face.
And he did not want that. He wanted a break. He wanted love. He wanted to be someone else. Something was missing inside of him. He wanted peace.
By a window in the library, she watched him. She couldn't see him, but she, somehow, knew he was there. And if she paid attention, she could catch a glimpse of the cloak's frame, and imagining his position. He was like his old self at the beginning of the term. By old self, she meant old Harry, the one that doesn't show his deepest feelings and bottled up himself. It had been a shock. She thought she would find him in pieces. Deep inside, she knew it was the case anyway, behind this mask he was learning to wear.
Harry,
I don't know what to do anymore. I feel as bad as you do and I would give everything to make you talk to me. I mean really talk. I know that something bothers you. No, not Sirius. Something more. I can feel it. I'm tired of trying, tired of crying. Tired of not knowing what to do.
I love you so much it hurts. I'm not myself. Oh, you probably haven't notice anything different, but deep inside I know. I feel that something's eating me up and down, and that I can do nothing about it.
I know you hate it when people want you to talk about you. But could you, at least give me a chance. To me. Only little Hermione.
With so much love,
Mione
She threw her quill on the floor, slammed her books, and crumpled her letter in her hand. Another crumpled letter to hide into her now full box. Tears were forming in her eyes. She did not know anymore why she was crying.
Staring at the sun – U2
Summer stretching on the grass
Summer dresses pass
In the shade of a willow tree
Creeps a crawling over me
Over me and over you
Stuck together with God's glue
It's going to get stickier too
It's been a long hot summer
Let's get under cover
Don't try too hard to think
Don't think at all
I'm not the only one
Staring at the sun
Afraid of what you'd find
If you took a look inside
I'm not just deaf and dumb
Staring at the sun
Not the only one
Who's happy to go blind
There's an insect in your ear
If you scratch it won't disappear
It's going to itch and burn and sting
You want to see what the scratching brings
Waves that leave me out of reach
Breaking on your back like a beach
Will we ever live in peace
'Cause those that can't do
Often have to
And those that can't do
Often have to preach
To the ones
Staring at the sun
Afraid of what you'll find
If you took a look inside
Not just deaf and dumb
Staring at the sun
I'm not the only one
Who'd rather go blind
Intransigence is all around
Military still in town
Armour plated suits and ties
Daddy just won't say goodbye
Referee won't blow the whistle
God is good but will He listen
I'm nearly great
But there's something missing
I left it in the duty free
But you never really belonged to me
You're not the only one
Staring at the sun
Afraid of what you'd find
If you stepped back inside
I'm not sucking on my thumb
I'm staring at the sun
Not the only one
Who's happy to go blind