Disclaimer: Nothing blah blah blah

A/N: Ok, don't worry – I'm not taking back what I said in the last chapter, but I just felt the need to show that everything is not going to be all wine and roses from now on, because then there wouldn't be any story would there? Hopefully I'll eventually make some kind of sense…oh well…Love you all!

Chapter 19: Doubts

Spike sat staring at the television for a long time after Buffy went back upstairs to take a nap. Apparently being catatonic takes a lot out of you – who knew? When Tara had eventually called back they had rescheduled Buffy's appointment for tomorrow afternoon instead. Although he was looking directly at the screen he couldn't see the images that flickered over it's surface and he didn't here the inane babble coming from the speakers. While Buffy had been there with him it had been simple to pretend that everything was alright now that She could talk again, he had been encouraging her after all…but now he was alone he had more time to think.

Their mutual declarations a few hours earlier had been startling to say the least. Not that he regretted a moment of it; he just wondered if perhaps they might be moving to fast. Of course he had no intention of jumping into bed with her right this minute – he cared to much about her to trivialise something like that…but there was a lot they hadn't discussed. Were they actually a couple for one thing? Just because they cared about each other didn't mean this was set in stone. They lived together, meaning his mother would throw a hissy fit when she found out, but that was the least of their troubles.

Buffy had admitted that there was a lot about her past that she hadn't filled him in on yet, and now that she could speak for herself, would she still want him with her during her counselling sessions? Of course if she didn't want to tell him, he had no right to ask…but he wanted to know who she was. She was still Buffy of course, but he wanted to know how she had become the girl she was, the experiences that had shaped her…but would knowing change how he felt about her?

Another question that nagged at him was how would things change now she wouldn't have to rely on him so much? Was it simply being needed that had driven his feelings for her? No one had ever needed him before. He'd been useful, he'd been convenient, he'd been a down right pain in the ass but never needed. What would happen now he might have lost that purpose?

While she had been silent he had been able to admire her from afar, part of him never truly believing that anything would come of it, but now things were…sort of…out in the open… he actually had to deal with the reality of the situation. Reality so rarely lived up to the dream.

All of these were questions he was desperate to ask, despite being afraid of the answers. But he had said nothing for fear of how she would react if he pushed for something she wasn't ready to give, and she hadn't been too forthcoming either. If he had to guess, he would say neither of them had thought this through very well…they had been too wrapped up in the momentary bliss to consider the possible consequences.

"Stupid bloody wanker!" he muttered to himself, finally giving up the pretence and turning off the television. If he carried on like this he was going to need his own councillor! Fortunately he was distracted from his tumultuous thoughts by his mother coming in the front door struggling with several bags of groceries. Joyce thanked him as he took some of the load and followed her into the kitchen. They put the items away in silence for several minutes, until Joyce notice his tense expression. 

"Will?" She asked curiously. "Is something wrong?"

Spike sighed, slumping down onto one of the stools at the central island. "I don't know."

"What do you mean honey?" Joyce asked, taking a seat opposite and studying him intently. It wasn't like Spike to be so quiet these days. Before he had begun to settle down he would sulk to the point of not speaking to her for days, but over the last year or so he had begun to open up much more. "You know you can talk to me." She offered, hoping it might help.

"Buffy's talking again." Spike informed her.

"Well…that's good isn't it?" She asked confused as to why he wasn't jumping for joy about this. It was what he had been working for ever since Buffy had come into his life. She wanted to ask how this had happened, but she was sure he would have volunteered the information if he had it.

"Yeah," he agreed, but his tone was still rather glum.

"But…" Joyce queried, knowing there was more.

"She told me she loved me." There was a slight smile on his lips as Spike told her this, despite his doubts it was still the best thing that had ever been said to him when it came from Buffy.

Joyce wasn't as surprised by this news as she might have been. She had known ever since the night Spike had saved Buffy that he cared for her, and she had only seen that affection grow as the weeks had passed. She had also seen the small glances that Buffy had thrown in her sons direction when she thought nobody was looking, the way her smile always brightened when he walked into a room. A mother always notices these things. She hadn't been aware their feelings ran that deep, but it wasn't too much of a revelation.

"Don't you feel the same way?" she asked, already knowing the answer. Oh she wasn't thrilled with the prospect of the two being involved and living under the same roof while they were so young, but she would have expected her son to be over the moon that the girl he had been worshiping from afar returned his feelings.

Spike had looked up, suitably offended by the question. "Of course I bloody well love her!" he exclaimed incredulously.

"Then what's the problem Will?" Joyce asked gently. "Shouldn't you be happy about all this? It's what you wanted isn't it?"

"It was…I mean it is." He told her, running a hand through his hair in frustration. If this didn't make sense to him how was he going to explain it intelligently to her? "It's like this," he began at length "See I had Buffy in this little bubble where I could look at her and protect her and such…but I couldn't touch her, I couldn't get close…am I making sense?"

"A little." Joyce told him unsurely – teen logic had always been a bit of a mystery to her.

"Well now that little bubble has popped and now I'm dealing with the real thing. I can touch her and she can touch me." When Joyce raised her eyebrows pointedly Spike continued quickly. "What I mean is we can hurt each other now…she can't hide behind her silence and I can't play the protector. We have to see each other as we really are."

Joyce sighed and shook her head. "That's how relationships work I'm afraid Will. You just have to decide if you want the whole Buffy package or if you just fell in love with the idea of Buffy."

"I know." Spike sighed. She'd basically explained the entire problem in one sentence when he had been trying to figure it out for hours. How did she do that? When he asked Joyce simply chuckled.

"I'm a lot older than you Will, and whether you like to admit it or not I do know a thing or two!" Joyce took a deep breath before continuing; wondering if what she was about to say was wise. "And because I've been around a bit longer than you I can tell you something else as well."

"What's that then?" Spike asked curiously, not sure he liked his mother's hesitant tone.

"Buffy has a lot going on in her mind right now Will, you said yourself she has a lot she is going to have to deal with herself that you can't fix. There's a lot about her we still don't know. And I'm guessing there's a lot about you she doesn't know either. Even if what you feel for each other is real…and I'm not saying it isn't," she verified when she saw Spike about to interrupt "She needs to sort herself out, and everything needs to be out in the open between you both before you can be in any kind of healthy relationship. She will need your help but you wont be her priority."

"I know." Spike sighed, and it was true. There was a lot they had to deal with before they worried about what was going on between them. Tomorrow's counselling session for one thing…

A/N: Hope that wasn't too boring, I just felt it was needed. Please let me know what you think, I always appreciate the input! And from the way that ended you can just guess what the next chapter is about can't you…Love you all!