Chapter 21 Visions
Sighing deeply, Remus tried to answer him "It means she's going to stop fighting.... She has a kind of 'psychic' link with the world; She explained that 'everything is connected' stuff to you." Harry nodded "I hope you understand it better than I do. Anyway, she normally keeps a barrier up between her and the rest of the world. Its like a protection charm to her, but she can 'drop' it at will, letting everything on the outside quite literally pass through her." Remus was getting a haunted look in his eyes now "I've seen her do it before Harry, and its not pleasant. I don't know how she does it, she has to be able to surrender herself completely if she wants to survive. Lose all sense of herself. If she tries to fight at all, it may well kill her." Remus shuddered.
"Remus, she can't do this, look at her, she's far too weak." Harry was beside himself with worry now.
"Harry, believe me, I understand how you feel. But we have to have faith in her. She is smart, and powerful, and with you and the other students at stake...." he didn't need to finish.
"But if Voldemort attacks." Harry began
"If she is successful, it may not matter Harry. Dumbledore and Cat are waiting for me, if Snape comes, keep him out here; Body bind him if you have to. I don't want this to be any more difficult than it needs to be." Harry accepted Remus's explanation for now as he turned to take his post. Body bind Snape, well at least that might keep him from worrying about Cat, imagine, how often do you get told to attack your least favourite teacher......
As Remus closed the office door behind him, he looked apprehensively towards Cat and Albus., the worry was etched on his face. "Cat, isn't there any other way?"
"No Remus, I don't think there is. Besides Voldemort will keep his forces attacking me as long as he feels I'm a threat. If I do this they will assume I have simply been pushed past my limits, no longer a threat." she stood up and walked to the middle of the room.
As she stood there Cat let her body relax, and began to breath in slow, steady breathes. Her eyes fluttered shut as her head fell back....within the minute her body shuddered and they knew she is no longer with them. She was letting her mind travel outside of her, expanding beyond herself, no body, no fear, no self, no existence, no memory. Only her mind and her soul flowing like water, like liquid air, through the stones of the castle feeling their cold course texture against her...… Keep going, further......Out into the brisk night air as it buffeted her along over the pitch and the rolling banks towards Hagrid's hut.....let go......the trees, see the trees, feel them reaching out to you, alive with the force of the sun, energy coursing through them.......more......"
Remus was pacing frantically, two minutes and already she's barely breathing, and he knew from experience the worse was yet to come.
"......look .....see....over here...... the earth itself was calling out to her; she could hear the song of the fields, the gentle sighing of the grass around the edge of the forest.......the stars, she felt their singing, the high lilting voices of twinkling, shimmering stars.....over here child.......it was pulling her to where she needed to be.......be with us......the trembling of the trees, like the sound of a river, ceaseless, enduring.......yes, know us......"
Dumbledore gave Remus a dubious look, she was still standing, yet her body was limp, as if the only thing keeping her upright was the sheer strength of her will, slowly almost imperceptibly she began to levitate.
".....come to us......she heard the soft scratching of the forest floor, of animals and plants growing and moving........can you not feel us........she heard other voices now, human voices.......careful child........angry and hateful, the voices seemed overly harsh .........come back to us child........the voices, they wanted to hurt, to kill, they wanted blood and power.......we need you child......the bitterness inside of them made her cold, it pained her..."
Remus groaned as he watched her body wrench in mid air, her face the picture of pain, but he knew she couldn't scream. The helplessness he felt was maddening.
.......leave them child......she felt her soul shiver with the touch of their anger ..... we are calling to you......the voices were yelling now......can you not hear us......the sidhe btch, she's here,........run child, run away ........stop her, attack her now, kill her ......go child, hurry...."
Albus and Remus ran to her side as her body stiffened, "Do not touch her Remus" Dumbledore warned.
Cat sensed the attack more than she felt it, deatheaters, they weren't expecting her to do this, too dangerous, letting herself open to attack. She felt the burning anger within them as they began to attack her again. So many of them, all focused on her. Too many, they were beginning to hit home with their attack, it felt like her skin was being stripped off of her body. But she had a responsibility to Albus, to her father, to Harry. Gathering her thoughts, she quickly surveyed the scene, deatheaters, at least 30, some other creatures she couldn't identify, and dementors - too many to count. They were wasting their energy on her, go on she thought, keep attacking me, leave yourselves weak, I will not allow the children to be harmed. Suddenly she heard someone calling her name....
"Catri.....Catri MacLeod" Remus looked to Dumbledore, he was frantic with fear, she wasn't breathing, "Albus, we have to do something! Catri, Catriana." Remus was shaking her crumpled body.
Dumbledore calmly knelt beside Cat and placed his hand over her heart. "Relax Remus" Dumbledore sighed audibly "she is still with us, just terribly weak. Please, help her to the chair."
Remus gathered Cat in his arms and carried her over to her chair by the fire. "Cat. Come on, now is not the time to be playing games with me." Remus was pleading with her, tears streamed down his cheeks as he placed her gently in the chair "I know you can hear me. Come on, wake up" he was holding her hands in his, trying to warm them.
Cat groaned as her eyes moved beneath her closed lids.
"That's it. Come on Kitty, you got to wake up" Remus was shouting now, his hands grasping her shoulders, shaking her.
Groggily, Cat regained consciousness, she gave a half-hearted smile to Remus, as she reached to wipe away his tears. "Don't tell me these are over me acushla." she whispered.
Remus laughed with relief, as Dumbledore sat heavily in his chair, as though a great weight had finally been lifted off of him. "Cat, do you feel strong enough to tell us what happened?" Albus asked.
Closing her eyes and rubbing the back of her neck "You mean besides being attacked by about two dozen deatheaters."
"Are there that many out there" Remus asked hesitantly "Are you sure."
"As near as I could tell there were two to three dozen deatheaters, a large group of dementors, and some other creatures I couldn't identify" she flinched as she remembered the attack "luckily, most of the deatheaters wasted their energy attacking me. Should have a big impact on the battle. Takes a lot out of a person to put up an attack that strong."
"You are sure they mean to attack us." it was more a statement that a question.
"Yes Albus, quite sure. You should gather the teachers, tell them to prepare. I would be very surprised if they didn't attack tonight" Cat sighed heavily, she wished she could avoid the students being involved.
"That would coincide with the information Sirius Black sent me this morning." Albus paused for a moment as Cat's eyes searched him "Yes Kitty, Sirius is helping us as well" he explained softly, although he couldn't help but smile, he remembered all the times she and Sirius had shared detentions, among other things.....
Remus couldn't help but smile at her reaction to Sirius's name. Good, she still had feelings for him, that might just make things a little easier. And he was sure Harry would go along with his plan, it was obvious that Harry had become quite fond of Cat. "Cat,... Harry. He's probably worried to death" Remus turned quickly to open the door.
Harry stood there, a fearful look on his face. "Remus. I heard you yelling, is she alright?"
"Why don't you come see for yourself." Remus smiled widely as he flung the door wide open "Strange, I don't see any petrified Professors out here. Quiet was it Harry?"
Harry shot Remus a look, "Yeah, really quiet. You know Remus I'm beginning to think you're a bad influence on me." he said sarcastically
"And why is that Harry?" Cat asked weakly from her chair "Is he leading down the wrong path?" she was all smiles.
"Actually I think he maybe trying to get me expelled" Harry was grinning madly at Cat "Do you know he told me if Snape showed up I should put him in a full body bind until you were done. As if Voldemort wasn't enough trouble, he wants me to live in detention" Harry was laughing as much from relief as he was from the look on Cat's face.
"Remus John Lupin, you did not tell him to do that!" she said horrified "You know as well as I do, Severus would not see the humour in it." she began snickering.
They were all laughing now, even Dumbledore and Cat. Remus looked as though he were ready to burst at the seams with happiness, even he hadn't realize how concerned he had been about her. He looked around the room, Professor Dumbledore had always been there for him, believing in him when no one else would, giving him the chance to prove himself. Cat MacLeod quite possibly the idea woman, kind, loyal, brave and a truly wicked sense of humour. And of course Harry, the apple of his eye, he was exactly the sort of son Remus had hoped to have one day. Remus's heart was truly content, the only thing that would make this perfect, should be showing up in the next few days.
After they all settled down a little, Remus knelt next to Cat's chair, taking her hands again he asked in all seriousness "What will you do if they continue to attack you, I know you're very weak right now." her hands were still cold as ice.
"They can't hurt me now." she smiled sweetly at Remus "I shut myself off from them, from everything, it won't hurt me for at least a day or two. And if we need to battle.."
Remus looked at her with a deeper understanding than anyone could realize "Cat, you shut yourself off? I know what that does to you." he was obviously disturbed by this news "Are you sure that was the right thing to do?"
"Yes acushla, I'm sure. In fact, right now it's the only option." she touched his cheek "Just make sure you're around to hold my hand, okay." Remus smiled at her and nodded, he would never let her down.
"Uhmm, guys, mind filling me in" Harry questioned, he was beginning to wonder about Remus and Cat. He would hate to see Sirius and Remus fighting over the same woman, but still it would be better than Snape. "Exactly what happened?"
"Miss MacLeod was able to tell us exactly who, and how many people are surrounding the school," Dumbledore explained "I do not want you to concern yourself about this Mr. Potter, the other teachers and I will attend to this. No late night explorations, am I understood" he finished sternly.
"Yes Professor Dumbledore" it was rare for Harry to see Dumbledore so stern "But if you don't mind me asking, how did she find out?"
"Yes....Tell me....how did she find out" Severus said coldly, eyeing Remus suspiciously.
"The only way I could, Severus" Cat responded, almost meekly "I knew you would be upset if you had to witness it." she couldn't meet his eyes.
The look on Severus's face said it all "You-did-not." he was completely horrified "Do you know what could have happened, or will you only be happy when you succumb? When it finally kills you." he was livid.
"Severus, that is quite enough" Professor Dumbledore said shortly "She has had quite an ordeal already, I do not want you to add to it." softening a little he added "We all understand you are concerned for her, as are we, but she understands how important this is. How many lives are at stake."
Severus walked around to Cat as Remus moved towards Harry although Cat still didn't look up to meet his gaze. Severus paused for a few moments before he knelt in front of her, only to find her hair was falling in front of her face, hiding her from his view. Tenderly Severus brushed the hair off of her face and gently tucked it behind her ear, lifting her chin with his finger so she had to look him in the eyes. "Why must you do this? At least tell me you understand how dangerous this is." he asked her softly.
Cat looked deeply into Severus's eyes as she put her hand on his "I know,.... but the children..." she was so tired, still she tried to smile for him, to reassure him she would be fine.
Severus closed his eyes for a moment, Cat noticed the way his jaw tensed as he swallowed his anger. When he opened them again, she was sure she saw tears "Drink this while it is still warm" his voice was raspy, filled with emotions, he raised the goblet to her lips, as her hands wrapped once more around his. He never stopped staring into her eyes as she took the first draught of potion.
"It's alright Sev, I can hold it myself" she said affectionately as she touched his cheek. She could feel the emotions boiling within him, he was torn between screaming at her for taking such risks and embracing her for being selfless enough to care about others.
Cat's cheeks began to flush with colour, as much from Severus's attention as from the potion. Albus smiled at them, he never ceased to be amazed at what she could bring out in people. Even a man as bitter and harsh as Severus had become, she brought out the best in him, if only he could stay like this, make peace with the wrongs done to him, learn to look towards the future.
"Make sure you finish it" Severus told her kindly "I would prefer you not end up in the hospital wing twice in one week" he added as he flashed her a sad smile.
Harry thought he was in a dream. That could not be the real Professor Snape, not unless she knew some truly powerful magic, and if she did, Harry needed her to teach him. Harry looked up at Remus and was surprised by the look on his face, he seemed upset by what he was seeing. Harry suddenly got the feeling there was a lot more going on than people were willing to tell him.
Finally, after Cat had finished the potion, Harry began to notice some real colour returning to her. Not only that, she was actually getting warm now, she looked over to he and Remus and smiled broadly, "see, like I said, tougher than I look" her voice was back now as well. Harry was overjoyed to see the warmth return to her eyes, even Remus and Severus were both smiling now, although not at each other.
"Well then Miss MacLeod, may I assume you are well enough to return to your room and get some rest?" Dumbledore asked happily
"Yes Albus, thank you" as Cat went to stand, she left her cloak on the chair, Harry was amazed by what he saw. Her hair was still down, some of it curling into her face, but until now he never realized how long her hair was. It went down past her waist, thick with a soft curl to it, the light of the fire was being caught and reflected by her hair. She looked like an angel, a fact which certainly did not escape the attention of Snape or Remus, "and thank you, Severus" she looked so kind, so peaceful, so fragile.
Harry suddenly felt a strange emotion sweep over him, he had the urge to run between them and push Snape away from her, he didn't want him near Cat. She had to be protected from people like him, people who could hurt her. She deserve better than him, someone she could laugh with, someone she could trust, Harry had to fight to keep himself quite, he had no idea where these feelings were coming from. Luckily Albus Dumbledore chose the perfect time to speak. "Remus, would you see Harry to his tower please. And Cat I think we can handle this part without you, I strongly suggest you get as much rest as possible."
"There's no need to make Remus go, I'll take Harry to the tower, its on my way. Besides you three have a lot to discuss. You should get started." Remus and Albus nodded their agreement as she picked up her cloak and held out her hand for Harry, "Come on sweetie, with any luck Filch and Mrs. Norris will be off chasing Peeves somewhere."
The professors began their discussion as Albus summoned the other teachers. Meanwhile Cat and Harry headed toward Gryffindor tower. "Are you sure your alright Cat." Harry asked "You really looked pretty bad earlier, I was afraid you weren't going to make it."
"I'm fine Harry. Please don't worry about it, its something that I've learned to live with" she squeezed his hand as she smiled "it looks a lot worse than it really is."
"But Remus said it was dangerous. He said you had to stop fighting, surrender if you wanted to live" Harry was afraid to push the question, but he needed to know, "he said it could kill you."
Cat stopped in the middle of the hall and looked thoughtfully at Harry. She couldn't help but love him, he was so much his mother's son, she should never have let them take him away from her. "Harry, I do want to explain it to you, but its not easy.....I don't have the words to explain everything."
"You don't have the words? Exactly what is that supposed to mean?" he said smiling slyly, if she thought she could get out of it that easy, forget it.
"It means that I don't always grasp your language well enough to truly explain it."
"My language, isn't it your language too." Harry had to admit, it never even crossed his mind.
"No sweetie, not even close." she laughed at his surprise "To be perfectly honest, my people rely on more than spoken words to communicate. We also use touch." as she said this she gently touched Harry's cheek with the back of her fingers.
Harry immediately felt a flush of emotions flow through him, they came at him so quickly he couldn't even describe them all, the best he could manage was they felt warm and comforting. "Does everyone do that it you clan?" he asked, amazed.
"Of course, like I said, its part of how we communicate with each other." she replied as they began walking towards the tower once more.
"So when you touch people like that, its just to talk to them, right, it doesn't mean anything else?" Harry asked hesitantly
"Something particular on your mind, young Potter?" she was laughing again, waiting to hear him asks about her and Remus, after all so many other people had misread their friendship.
"Well, yeah, kind of." Harry paused for a few moments "Promise you won't get angry with me?"
"Don't worry sweetie, I doubt I could ever really be angry at you" she tussled his hair again, as Harry gave her a huge smile.
"I'm hoping that if the reason you touch people is to talk to them, then that means your not in love with Snape, ...right?" Harry asked her hopefully.
"Whoa...." she stopped, staring wide eyed at Harry "you're about as subtle as your father." she still had a look of complete surprise pasted to her face. "Did Remus ask you to say that?"
"No," Harry said hanging his head "I was just wondering, that's all." he took a deep breath and added quickly "Its just that you told me earlier that my mother was picking out matching wedding gowns and wanted you to live next door....and....well... I just can't see her wanting him as a neighbour....or anything" he finished meekly, staring at his feet.
Cat sighed heavily, Lily and all her dreams, if only they could have come true. If only Sirius hadn't hurt her so badly, if only she hadn't gotten so angry. Cat closed her eyes for a few moments, as her past at Hogwarts replayed in her mind. "Harry, I am very fond of Professor Snape, he and I have been friends since I first came to Hogwarts, and we have been growing....closer. But you are correct, that's not who your mother had in mind when she was picking out gowns." her voice sounded full of sorrow. "But that was a very long time ago Harry, almost 17 years, a lot of things can change." she looked into Harry's eyes "Actually, right now I think I'd have an easier time explaining what happened tonight than I would trying to answer questions of the heart."
Harry jumped at the chance to change the subject, he never meant to upset her so much. "So then, what did happen? And why was Remus yelling at you?"
"First of all, he wasn't yelling at me, he was yelling for me...trying to pull me back as it were." she responded quickly, equally happy to forget about the past. "He was afraid I wasn't going to come back. Poor Remus, he really does worry too much, no wonder he's so grey."
Harry smirked at the grey comment, Sirius always teased him about that as well. "Is that what he meant when he said you had to 'lose yourself'? Was is scary to be there, alone, I mean even without yourself.....I mean...."
"I understand what you mean. And no, its not scary at all, and I am never alone. Whenever I let go like that "surrender" to the world, the voices are always there Harry, I never feel alone or abandoned." she had a dreamy look in her eyes "All it really is, is letting go of the physical, of the conscious, I still have my soul. And of course the voices."
Harry was entranced "Voices, what sort of voices, what do they say, who are they?"
"I'm not sure who they are, but they are very kind to me. I think they might be my family, or ancestors or something....they always call me child." she had the sweetest expression Harry had ever seen, apparently whatever it was that upset Remus and Snape, it didn't bother her at all.
"Remus seemed to think it was painful, he was afraid you wouldn't survive." Harry looked at her anxiously, he didn't want her to get upset again.
"That's because Remus could never understand it. You know about his condition, right?"
Harry nodded his head, he had know about it and the wolfsbane potion for some time now.
"Well in order for him to survive it, he must have a very strong sense of self. He needs to remember at all times who he is. If he loses that, .....well it wouldn't be very pleasant." she said softly, she obviously cared for Remus and Harry could see how much it upset her to think of Remus like that. "On the other hand, you have me. I'm the exact opposite of that. In order for me to survive, I have to let go of everything....it's rather llike drowning."
"Drowning! What does that have to do with anything?"
"Have you ever been out on the sea Harry? And I don't mean in one of those cruise ships, I'm talking the great big ocean and a little bitty fishing boat."
Harry shook his head no, as his eye grew wide at the thought of it. Of being on something as vast as the ocean with nothing solid to hold onto except some wood shaped like a boat.
"Well you should,... maybe I can talk Albus into letting you come home with me over the summer. Anyway, when you do, one of the first things you learn is if you fall in, never fight the waves, the ocean is much bigger and far more powerful than you will ever be. The only chance you have to survive is to ride the waves, let the water carry you, someone will be there to help you. You have to have faith in your friends. But if you fight it, you will go down, the water will wear you down and then swallow you without so much as a second thought.
"It sounds kind of strange, but I think I understand." Harry said uncertainly "If you relax and just let it happen, you'll be alright. But if you try to fight it, you'll get hurt."
"That's pretty good, Potter. You're smart, ya know that." she was so proud of him, Remus still couldn't figure that out. Her heart was practically bursting as she looked at him "Now Harry, about what Albus said tonight, I want you to listen to him. You stay in the tower with the others, I don't want anyone getting hurt."
"But Cat, if Voldemort does attack you'll need all the help you can get." Harry argued
"NO." she said sternly "Harrison James Potter, I will tell you this once and once only. I do NOT want you to set foot outside of this tower. Protect the other Gryffindors, make sure the younger students don't panic, but keep everyone inside." she was adamant "Let the teachers handle this, we have been trained to fight, not you."
Ouch. Harry thought, his full name. She was acting more and more like a mother everyday. He smiled at her "I promise I will protect the younger students..."
"And you won't leave the tower.....say it Harry....I want to hear you say it" Cat looked at Harry knowing all to well what he would do.
"Cat" Harry whined "I'm not going to promise that. What if you or Remus get into trouble?" the very idea pained him "I can't just sit up here worrying"
"Harry, let me assure you that Remus and I together, are more than a match for what's out there." she was amazingly confident "Lupy and I have taken each others backs more times than I care to remember. We each know how the other moves and thinks." she placed her finger on his chest "So you, young man, will stay right here, with the rest of the students. Right?"
"Okay, right" Harry said sullenly "But if things look bad.." he began.
"If things look bad then, wait until you see what I do to you when its over. Now you...to bed" she was shooing him with her hands. Harry wasn't sure if he should be angry or amused, no wonder Remus liked her so much. Harry turned to flash her a huge grin. "Alright, I know.....bed..... Good night…. Mum"
Cat turned to him and stuck out her tongue, "Good night, sonny boy" she couldn't help laughing "behave yourself and no trouble" she called out after him as he entered through the portrait.
As Cat made her way to her room, her mind wandered. Lily, you should be so proud of your son, he's everything you ever hoped he would be. If only things had worked out differently, he sure wouldn't be an only child. What was it they had said....was it six children between them, or six children each....in adjoining houses, with a huge backyard for them to play in. Cat wiped away a silent tear as she changed into a nightgown, she was going to need all the rest she could get. Hopefully it was at least 3 to 4 hours before dawn, well she had always been something of a night owl anyway, no point going to sleep if you could still stand up. As she brushed her hair she replayed the nights events, never a dull moment when you were a MacLeod, how many times had her brothers told her that. She pulled down the covers and snuggled in, her final thought before she drifted off to sleep was of her promise to Lily. I swore to you I would protect him Lily, I have never let you down, I won't start now.