Anything At All
By Spade (jennspade yahoo.com)
11/13/2000

I think you love her.

It hurts to admit it, but I do. Oh, I'm sure that given that first chance you would have shot her, no questions asked. But I interfered. You lost the first chance and I don't think you'll ever be able to even raise the gun at her again, not anymore.

Sometimes I wish you had shot her. I know better, really. She's not a bad person, and besides that she's too important to the peace. Killing her would have killed everything we were working for. But that voice still mutters it. It's the voice that rails against the past and my lost childhood, the one that screams because everything I've ever wanted I can never have. Home, family, love. You. But I know better in my head, even if my heart shrinks at the thought of you and her together and not you and me.

I think I love you.

That's gotta be what this is. And it hurts to admit that too, because it's one more thing to want, that you'd feel the same way for me. But you look at me sometimes, right in the eyes, and I get this... this feeling. That you've focused your attention on me, and just me for a short while. And it's a good feeling.

And then I think of the battles we have to fight. I'm afraid that you'll die and I'll never see you again. And the thought of peace scares me too because then there's no reason for us to work together and it's the same problem. I won't get to see you.

I think...

I think I can't keep you. I know that whole shit about letting someone go if you love them sounds all cliché. But I can't ask you to stop fighting anymore than you could ask me to. And I can't ask you not to care about someone anymore than I could forget how I feel about you. It just doesn't work that way. You need to go. And I'd do anything for you because I... because I fell in love with you. And when you fall so hard you'll do anything.

Anything at all for the one you love.