Part 13: Agnus Dei
Irina slipped into the bedroom silently. She'd put this off as long as possible, letting Elena and Katya go ahead of her in the bathroom and then taking quite some time herself; when she'd finally come out, her sisters had practically shoved her in here. Her stalling seemed to have worked, as Jack was asleep. She got in bed carefully and arranged herself on her own side. She'd barely gotten settled, though, when Jack grunted, rolled over, and wrapped his arms around her. A smile found her lips before she could stop it. She'd always enjoyed the way Jack cuddled in his sleep. It was merely physical comfort, she told herself; it wouldn't hurt to enjoy it until Jack woke up and retreated to his own side of the bed. She wiggled a bit to adjust herself to Jack, then closed her eyes and relaxed. Five minutes later, she was asleep.
She woke up after what her internal clock told her was about half an hour; that wasn't unusual ever since Kashmir. What was unusual was that she actually felt like she'd really slept instead of just dozing. Jack's arms were still around her; he'd shifted slightly, and now one hand was on her stomach while the other cupped her breast. After a moment of enjoying how comfortable she felt, she realized from Jack's breathing that he was awake. "Jack?"
His hands immediately withdrew, and then his body pulled away. She cursed inwardly. "I didn't want to wake you. I'm sorry," he said.
"Sorry for what?"
"For invading your half of the bed," he said after a pause.
"Jack, we've never had halves."
His hand found hers in the darkness; she entwined her fingers with his. "Did you miss me?" he asked. "At all?" She was about to answer when he continued, "I missed you. Even after I found out the truth...I still missed you. Especially at night."
Irina felt tears welling up, and blinked them back. How could he feel anything but hate for her? "I missed you, too," she whispered. The almost complete darkness in the room somehow made the words easier to say. "I..." She trailed off, at a loss for words. "How long have you been awake?"
"Just a few minutes. I can't seem to stay asleep longer than about half an hour."
"Sleep deprivation," she said softly. The first three months or so in Kashmir, she'd only been allowed to sleep half an hour at a time, once or twice a night. They hadn't needed to continue it after that; two years later, she still woke up after half an hour.
"They did that to you, too?" Jack asked.
"Yes," she answered. "How did you know?"
"Elena told me." That only made Irina wonder how Elena knew. "Why did they do it? I thought you'd get accolades for a job well done." Jack's tone was just a little bitter.
She thought a moment before answering. "My first extraction order came in January of 1981. I kept coming up with reasons to postpone it. They questioned my real reasons for staying and my loyalties."
Jack's hand tightened around hers. "And what were your real reasons for staying?" His voice sounded a bit strained, but only ten years of reading his moods made it possible for her to tell.
Irina felt a wall deep inside her, built in Kashmir but weakened by her time with Sydney and by Jack's presence, begin to crumble. She couldn't speak as tears flooded her eyes.
"Irina?" Jack moved back towards her and touched her face; he froze when he felt her tears. Then he surprised her by kissing her. He started out gently, but quickly became more insistent.
She kissed him back hungrily, suddenly craving his touch. She moaned an objection when he pulled away. "Jack..."
"Did you ever really have feelings for me, or did you just enjoy the sex? Or did you even enjoy that?" he said harshly, grabbing her wrists and holding her away from him when she tried to touch him.
She struggled briefly, as much against her own emotional turmoil as against him, but stopped suddenly as her mind refused to deny the truth any longer. "Yes, Jack, I had feelings for you," she whispered. "I still do. I...I love you." This time when she reached for him, he didn't pull away. She kissed him, gently at first, then more hungrily. Hands, then mouths, found all the familiar places, and he entered her urgently. They climaxed simultaneously, keeping their mouths entwined to muffle their cries. Spent, they lay back, curled together. "I love you," Irina repeated. It felt so good to say those words, to own them, to finally admit to herself that she really meant them. She didn't expect to hear them back, hadn't earned that, but it didn't matter. "Will you...after we meet back up again, can we try to make something work? I know I don't deserve anything...but I don't want to lose you again."
Jack ran his fingers through her hair. "I don't think I'll ever stop being angry...but I'm willing to work through it."
"Thank you." Irina leaned her head into Jack's chest. "I love you." Jack didn't say anything, but he pulled the blankets up around them, brushed his lips across her forehead, and held her close. A contented smile on her face, she fell asleep.
Irina slipped into the bedroom silently. She'd put this off as long as possible, letting Elena and Katya go ahead of her in the bathroom and then taking quite some time herself; when she'd finally come out, her sisters had practically shoved her in here. Her stalling seemed to have worked, as Jack was asleep. She got in bed carefully and arranged herself on her own side. She'd barely gotten settled, though, when Jack grunted, rolled over, and wrapped his arms around her. A smile found her lips before she could stop it. She'd always enjoyed the way Jack cuddled in his sleep. It was merely physical comfort, she told herself; it wouldn't hurt to enjoy it until Jack woke up and retreated to his own side of the bed. She wiggled a bit to adjust herself to Jack, then closed her eyes and relaxed. Five minutes later, she was asleep.
She woke up after what her internal clock told her was about half an hour; that wasn't unusual ever since Kashmir. What was unusual was that she actually felt like she'd really slept instead of just dozing. Jack's arms were still around her; he'd shifted slightly, and now one hand was on her stomach while the other cupped her breast. After a moment of enjoying how comfortable she felt, she realized from Jack's breathing that he was awake. "Jack?"
His hands immediately withdrew, and then his body pulled away. She cursed inwardly. "I didn't want to wake you. I'm sorry," he said.
"Sorry for what?"
"For invading your half of the bed," he said after a pause.
"Jack, we've never had halves."
His hand found hers in the darkness; she entwined her fingers with his. "Did you miss me?" he asked. "At all?" She was about to answer when he continued, "I missed you. Even after I found out the truth...I still missed you. Especially at night."
Irina felt tears welling up, and blinked them back. How could he feel anything but hate for her? "I missed you, too," she whispered. The almost complete darkness in the room somehow made the words easier to say. "I..." She trailed off, at a loss for words. "How long have you been awake?"
"Just a few minutes. I can't seem to stay asleep longer than about half an hour."
"Sleep deprivation," she said softly. The first three months or so in Kashmir, she'd only been allowed to sleep half an hour at a time, once or twice a night. They hadn't needed to continue it after that; two years later, she still woke up after half an hour.
"They did that to you, too?" Jack asked.
"Yes," she answered. "How did you know?"
"Elena told me." That only made Irina wonder how Elena knew. "Why did they do it? I thought you'd get accolades for a job well done." Jack's tone was just a little bitter.
She thought a moment before answering. "My first extraction order came in January of 1981. I kept coming up with reasons to postpone it. They questioned my real reasons for staying and my loyalties."
Jack's hand tightened around hers. "And what were your real reasons for staying?" His voice sounded a bit strained, but only ten years of reading his moods made it possible for her to tell.
Irina felt a wall deep inside her, built in Kashmir but weakened by her time with Sydney and by Jack's presence, begin to crumble. She couldn't speak as tears flooded her eyes.
"Irina?" Jack moved back towards her and touched her face; he froze when he felt her tears. Then he surprised her by kissing her. He started out gently, but quickly became more insistent.
She kissed him back hungrily, suddenly craving his touch. She moaned an objection when he pulled away. "Jack..."
"Did you ever really have feelings for me, or did you just enjoy the sex? Or did you even enjoy that?" he said harshly, grabbing her wrists and holding her away from him when she tried to touch him.
She struggled briefly, as much against her own emotional turmoil as against him, but stopped suddenly as her mind refused to deny the truth any longer. "Yes, Jack, I had feelings for you," she whispered. "I still do. I...I love you." This time when she reached for him, he didn't pull away. She kissed him, gently at first, then more hungrily. Hands, then mouths, found all the familiar places, and he entered her urgently. They climaxed simultaneously, keeping their mouths entwined to muffle their cries. Spent, they lay back, curled together. "I love you," Irina repeated. It felt so good to say those words, to own them, to finally admit to herself that she really meant them. She didn't expect to hear them back, hadn't earned that, but it didn't matter. "Will you...after we meet back up again, can we try to make something work? I know I don't deserve anything...but I don't want to lose you again."
Jack ran his fingers through her hair. "I don't think I'll ever stop being angry...but I'm willing to work through it."
"Thank you." Irina leaned her head into Jack's chest. "I love you." Jack didn't say anything, but he pulled the blankets up around them, brushed his lips across her forehead, and held her close. A contented smile on her face, she fell asleep.