On The Road With Danny Concannnon: Brussels to Berlin

Title: "On Hold."

Disclaimer: Not mine

Companion Piece: ACCESS 5.18

Danny finished watching CJ's documentary on his laptop as the train passed wilderness beside him. Danny really wasn't supposed to see the special, but he knew people at Access and cashed in some favors to be "slipped" a copy - only with the promise that Danny couldn't print or tell of anything he saw. Danny didn't care about any of that. Danny just wanted to see her and see her he did. He watched the goings on at the White House and Danny felt that rush of adrenaline and that pain of longing for the chase around that neck of the woods. He had almost forgotten what it felt like. It was like watching home movies of his youth with the feelings of nostalgia it brought. He marveled at how big Gail was getting and how much it meant to him that CJ still kept Gail around. It was like she was keeping a little reminder of him around. It made him feel like he was always around to watch over her, and make her feel safe.

And speaking of home movies: seeing a young CJ only made Danny fall in love with her more. He laughed at the pictures he knew she would "freak" over if she knew he was seeing them. What made Danny take most notice, besides getting to see CJ, conversational CJ and not just Press Secretary CJ, his favorite CJ, he got to see the CJ he knew, the CJ he remembered. What ever had been troubling CJ had seemed to fade away. She was smart, on the nose, and had that special glint back in her eye. It made Danny happy to see it; happy to see that whatever dark cloud was over her had seemed to dissipate. He saw moments of her frustrations, but that was normal. At least for the moment and he hoped it wasn't a fluke. He pained himself to help her when he saw the pain in her eyes over her family and he wanted to reach out to her. He wanted to make it go away. He wanted to hold her, talk to her, and make her feel safe. Maybe watching the DVD wasn't the best idea.

Danny looked down at a clipping he had cut out when he was in the states. It was of CJ and a man. A man only identified as a "ranger" in the caption under the picture. Danny looked at the picture again seeing something. He couldn't help notice it, but it was the look. The look he saw CJ give him many times. The look he waited all day, some weeks, for and cherished every moment. It was in the cracks of her smile, or the look behind the eyes. Anyway she would give it to him, upside down or clockwise, it was the look. The look he saw in pictures when she gazed at her secret service agent when she was stalked, the look he saw her give the man he didn't know, the Ranger. It was a look he loved to see, but sadden to see when he wasn't around. It was a look of recognition and understanding and underneath it all affection. Affection, the word ran into his head. He wanted CJ to be happy, but it still hurt him, he never thought it would take him so long to shake her. Wait, of course he had, he knew, but never feared it was true and would be his undoing.

After a moment of thoughts and gazes out the window Danny took out his cell phone and dialed the white house.

"White House Press Office." Carol sounded distracted as she picked up the phone. "Hey, Carol." Danny said in his familiar tones.

"Danny." Carol had had more pep than could fill a large carport of vehicles.

"She's in her office. Hold on." Carol spoke with excitement at not just hearing his voice, but also because Danny had called when CJ was in.

"No, Carol. Wait. I don't want to talk to her." Carol sat down having just about sprung out of her seat to push the hold button.

"You don't?"

"I mean I called to talk to you."

"You do? I mean you did?"

"Carol—"

"Danny, no I can't—"

"I just want some information—"

"-Oh, no I don't—"

"-Not that kind of information—"

"-About CJ. I don't think so either—"

"Carol. Who's this Ranger guy—"

"Ben? How do you know about Ben?" Danny knew from the sentence structure that he was right all along.

"So, she's with this guy?—"

"You didn't know-"

"-No."

"Damn."

"It's my job Carol."

"Yeah, yeah."

"Who is he?"

"They use to-date. In college—well Grad school and a little more after that."

"Are they together?"

"It looks like it—" She tried to say it delicately.

"Okay." Danny had to take it like man.

"Danny, you're not here—"

"I know-."

"-I don't know what happened between you two—"

"-Carol—"

"-And I don't need to know. It's none of my business. Okay I want to know, but it's not my place to ask. But CJ just hasn't been happy lately. I've done everything to try and make her laugh; my pep meter is going out of control. I don't know if I can be any more perky or upbeat-"

"I think you have it in you Carol."

"And since you're not here and you can't-"

"He makes her happy?"

"I've actually seen her smile. " Carol wasn't sure she should say more.

"Good. She does need that."

"But, you make her smile different."

"Is that a compliment?"

"Yes, Danny. You're sure you don't want to talk to her?"

"No." Danny looked out his window.

"But, good try Carol. You're a fun girl. I do miss being around there."

"Same here. You're the only one who ever talked to me—"

"What?"

"Yeah, they all act like I'm this stone statue. The gatekeeper to see Ms. CJ Cregg. You were the only one who paid me any notice. I appreciate that." The other line lit up on Carol's phone. " Oh wait. Hold on. I'll be right back, she has another call." Carol clicked on line two. "CJ Cregg's office."

"Yes, Tony she's expecting your call, hold on." Carol pushed hold and pocked her head into CJ's office. CJ was nose deep in paper work.

"Tony Russo is on line two."

"Yeah." CJ looked up at the phone. "Carol?" Carol turned back again. "Line one?" Carol got a devilish look on her face as she thought of her answer.

"Yeah, line one."

CJ hit the speaker button and released her hand leaning back in her chair. "Yeah, CJ Cregg."

"CJ?" Danny was surprised to hear CJ's voice on the other end shoving him up in top attention on the backrest of his chair.

"Danny?" Her voice equaled Danny's voice as CJ lost her balance and fell off her chair. "Whoaaa." Crash.

"CJ?" Danny asked hearing the sound. "CJ?" He was concerned, but not surprised.

"Yeah." CJ wrapped her hands on the top of her desk and pulled herself up

"What are you doing on my phone?"

"I could ask you the same question?" He joked not knowing what to do. CJ hit the speaker button back and picked up the receiver.

"I asked you first?"

"It's my phone."

"Well on this end it's mine too, so.."

"What are we doing here, this is pointless banter…..I thought you were Tony Russo?"

"I was holding for Carol, I was just checking on… something."

"Oh." There was a pause. CJ sat herself down, still in shock that she was hearing the sound of his voice.

"You changed your hair color?"

"You called to tell me I changed my hair color?" CJ was confused for sure.

"No, I was just sayin'-I mean it looks good." Danny looked to the side regretting his choice of words.

"Thanks." She said letting him in a little as she felt herself melting into the sweet tones of his voice.

"I personally like you as a red head, but I'll take what I can get."

"A girl needs a little variety."

"How's the fish?"

"Fish is good, how's the boy?"

"That's me?" he joked not feeling like much of a boy, but he knew what the reference meant.

"Yeah." She smirked and ran her fingers into the curls of the phone cord.

"Good."

"Where is the boy?"

"Well, I was in Berlin, but I'm on my way to Brussels."

"Really? We're going to Brussels in two weeks."

"Ahh, I'll be gone."

"Figures." She said crossly, but part of her was happy. She might compromise herself when she saw him next. A new place and her missing him so much. "Brussels?" CJ pounded. "I always thought that was the strangest name for a city. Makes me think of my toothbrush?"

"I see." He wanted to laugh at how amazing and funny she was. Why the whole world wasn't in love with her he had no idea. "I'm sure they find Sacramento just as perplexing."

"How was Germany?" She asked before taking an aside to herself. "I liked Germany. The beer…" She mused off.

"Yeah, Me too." There was a moment while CJ played with her hair and felt very dreamlike. "The food is good."

"Not many people agree with me on that, but I like it! You can have Chinese food anywhere." CJ was excited about her own views.

"Sure, but sometimes nothing beats a nice egg roll." Danny laughed.

"With a nice beer."

"Those little white boxes aren't half bad either."

"Yeah." She paused. "You call for a reason?" CJ took a look out her window.

"To talk to Carol." He said lying through his teeth.

"Oh, yeah." She said with a sigh.

"Yeah."

"So I guess, you're done?" She said longingly.

"Yeah." He said with nostalgia. There was a pause. "You're not hanging up."

"I know." She said listlessly.

"How's the fish?" He asked again.

"You asked that already." She said in her daze.

"How's the girl?"

"Humm…girl's good."

"Good?"

"Good."

"Good." He paused. "CJ you don't seem too happy?" Danny confessed. "Has something been wrong?" Danny didn't want to ask about her father or her situation, but wanted her to know he was there.

"You can tell that over the phone?"

"From the briefings."

"Oh."

"You just seem—"

"-I'm fine.-"

"-Different."

"I'm not." She defended herself.

"You're not having fun, CJ?"

"Fun? I'm taking about economic decline and tanks and bombs and death. Yeah, I'll put on a party hat. In fact I'm saving up some quips for the next time one of the chief Justice dies."

"That's not what I mean, you always have fun, CJ. You're always at your best that way. You don't joke anymore." Danny felt now was the time to be honest before CJ lost her footing and fell back down again.

"I joke!" She defended herself.

"You're different CJ."

"I'm not—"

"I know."

"You think you know me so well." She said with sass.

"Cause I do." CJ knew he was right. "Why did you think I did the whole Chicken thing? I was trying to make you laugh?"

"You were playing with me."

"Yeah, I was playing with you….but I wanted to make you laugh, too."

"Didn't work." She said slyly.

"Yeah, I know." He trailed his words off. CJ started to laugh. "What?" CJ tried to contain her laughing, but it formed into a large cackle.

"Sorry. Sorry. It just hit me. Carol's face when she gave me your message." CJ's laugh burst out of her again. "Man, I must have been in a bad mood not to laugh at that.."' She calmed her laugher. "Ahh, that was great." She sighed. "I guess that is new for me lately?" CJ wiped her eyes of tears.

"What?"

"Laughing."

"See." Danny paused and CJ took a moment to observe Danny's gift.

"Thanks, Danny." She laughed. "Thank you" she said sincerely. She paused for a moment. She couldn't tell him he wasn't the only one who made her laugh theses days. "I read the article." Danny lowered his head on his side.

"I wouldn't…"

"It's okay, you don't have to say it. But, thank you. Really, thank you." Danny lying for her, meant so much.

"No, problem."

"So, I'm half way through your book." She said gleefully getting off the subject.

"And . . ."

"The first half, I don't know, the part when the republican is tThe President. Not so much. But that other part, when the Democrats took over. I don't know. It had something . . ." She smiled a large smile.

"It's supposed to be a look at two different administrations-."

"Yeah, I got that, thank you." She laughed.

"My editor's idea."

There was a silence.

"It's good Danny." She said sincerely.

"Thanks."

"But you know I'm a big fan of your work."

"Yeah. My work." There was another silence.

"Congratulations on the Pulitzer." CJ leaned on her desk and into the receiver.

"Thanks." Danny felt humble.

"That's so great, Danny. Really." CJ spoke from her heart. "Really, great."

"Even after what I wrote it about?" He joked sincerely.

"Yeah, well. But it's still great. You deserve it, really." She said bitter sweetly.

"When's the ceremony?"

"May. Twenty- fifth I think. In New York."

"Yeah." She knew where it was. There was another silence. Danny looked out his window at the passing countryside.

"I was thinking about you." CJ said sleepy-like, almost forgetting where she was."I mean." CJ was brought back to reality. "We had a film crew in here—"

"Yeah I saw the tape." Danny didn't realize his blunder he was too enamored with CJ's voice.

"—I had to go through old briefing tapes and well…. there you were."

"Yeah, I would be." He joked.

"Yeah." CJ said, thinking of the past. "Wait, you saw that tape, how—"

"I know people—" Danny joked.

"Danny—" CJ got serious and concerned.

"Don't worry CJ. I'm not reporting on it. I promised my friend I wouldn't write or talk about anything I saw. He was repaying a favor that's all."

"Who's your friend?" CJ asked as she fished.

"'Well, that's going to stay between me and my friend.

"Yeah." CJ took a breath. "What did you think of the piece?"

Danny smiled at the fact that she didn't seem to like that he saw it, but was still curious how she came off.

"No, one outside this office has seen it.. It would be good to hear from an outside eye. Not that you're an outside eye, but." CJ tried to cover herself and Danny marveled how he still could read her mind.

"I liked it." Danny paused. "I don't think they got the whole story—" He laughed. "But I liked it. You looked good."

"Josh said 'we' looked so young." CJ bemused.

"We were."

"Yeah." CJ and Danny held another silence. Danny felt like he could hear her heart beat through the phone.

"You know, I'd be there if I could. I just—"

"-I know-"

"-I'm so busy and—" Danny was lying.

"I know, I know—" CJ lowered her head as the awkwardness between them set in again. She ran her hand over her forehead.

"But CJ." He paused. 'If you ever need someone to talk to, I know I can't be there in person, but—"

"Hey, CJ." Toby knocked on the frame of CJ's door with a cup of coffee in his other hand. CJ raised her head in a static knee jerk reaction as she was taken out of her world with Danny and into the reality of where she was.

"Toby, she's on the phone—." Carol could be heard as she tried to stop Toby.

"I tried to stop him." Carol appeared in the doorway. Toby looked at her funny.

"Come on, we got that thing in the mural." Toby took a swig of his coffee. CJ put her hand over the receiver

"Yeah, I'll be right there." Toby didn't move. "'I'll be right there."

"Okay?" Toby put his hands up and walked away followed by Carol.

.

CJ took a breath and lifted her hand off the receiver.

"Danny . . ." She didn't know what to say. "'I'm sorry, I have this thing-."

"Yeah, I understand." But of course Danny didn't.

"No, really, I do have to go. I have this thing—"

"-I understand." Danny sounded deflated.

"I really do, Danny."

"No problem."

"It's not."

"Go, go. You need to go."

"Yeah."

"CJ?"'

"Yeah."

"You happy?"

"I said I was Danny?"

"Cause you know all I want is for you to be happy."

"I know." She said softly.

"Is he nice?"

"Danny?"

"Never mind."

"Danny?"

"No, no. Nothing." He paused. "You really liked the book?"

"Yes." She paused briefly. "Yes I did. I do."

"Good. Keep it." He said confidently. "I'll be back for it."

CJ took a breath wondering if she should tell Danny about Ben. He had hinted he knew, but she didn't want to go there. She also had to go on with her life, but in her heart of hearts she wanted Danny to do what he had hinted in the inscription of his book: to wait.

"Bye Danny." She said bitter-sweetly.

"Yeah." Danny hung up the phone. CJ took a breath and wiped a tear from under her eye.

Carol appeared at the door.

"Toby said he'll meet you over there."

"Okay?" CJ hung up the phone.

"You have a fun conversation with Tony Russo?" Carol said with a hint of something evil.

"He wasn't on the phone. But, Danny was?" CJ insinuated Carol knew something about it.

"He was?" She lied through her teeth. "I must have confused the lines." She smiled. "Danny was on one, and Tony was one two? Didn't I say that?"

"No."

"Oh well." Carol walked out of the office. "I'm sure he'll call back." CJ gave Carol a cross look. "They're waiting for you!" Carol yelled from her office.

"Men waiting for me." CJ said dryly to herself. "I'm creating a pattern." CJ walked past her shelves and slid her hand over the binding of Danny's book and walked out of the office.

On his train ride to Brussels Danny hung up his phone and took a look at CJ's picture still frozen, from the documentary, on his computer. He hit the mouse keypad enlarging the picture, and again, and a third time, until she filled the entire screen. After a moment Danny pushed the laptop closed and stared out the window of his cabin.

LOVE HER LIKE ME

Elton John

You can take her
Make her change her name
You and your old money
Dance around the flame
But you can never, never love her like me

You can charm her
Calm her when she's wild
Show a little comfort
Play with her inner child
But you can never, never love her like me

So I just close my eyes and steal her away when you sleep
Sneak her in my dreams every single day of the week
You may have her in real world but if you could only see
How we rock this room in the twilight zone
And you can never, never love her like me

You can warm her
Charm her with your style
I know you convinced her
She's the love of your life
And no, you'll never, never love her like me

You can bless her
Keep her conscience clean
You can undress her
Go all the places I've been
But you'll never, never love her like me

And Danny closed his eyes.