On The Road With Danny Concannon: Paris, TX
Title "Sartre was Right"
Companion Piece: No Exit 5.20
CJ walked into the lobby holding her purse over her shoulder and evening dress over her other arm, ready to go home herself.
"Hey, you see Donna?" Josh asked entering the lobby behind her.
"I figured she went home? You've got to give that girl some space Josh." Josh gave a look to a great friend he didn't always agree with. CJ reached her hand into her purse. "Maybe she's off with…?" CJ scrambled through her purse definitely upset at not being able to find something.
"Maybe she's where?"
"Nothing...nothing… Hold this." She shoved her dress at Josh's chest.
"You changed?"
"I had my camping clothes with me." CJ stopped for a moment and handed Josh her workbag and began looking through it.
"Where's the camping stuff I got you?"
"In my office." CJ was getting more and more frustrated.
"Well, what good is it gonna do in there?"
"I'm not going." CJ flipped the top flap open and dug her hand into the back.
"Why?"
"It got canceled. I was here. "
"Yeah?"
"There was no way I could have made it."
"Okay?"
"What?" She stopped and looked at him.
"Nothing." CJ stared him down. "What are you looking for?"
"My cell." CJ grabbed her purse and checked one last time.
"So, can you believe we crashed again?"
"Just another crisis in the daily life of The West Wing. One false alarm after another."
"Who says it was a false alarm?"
"Like about fifty….okay maybe not fifty…but a whole….. bunch…. of secret service guys. It was a false alarm?" She couldn't believe Josh didn't believe it. "Just like the others."
" I don't this so." He paused. "You weren't stuck in the room with Cornel Klink, while she talked about anthrax, and botulism….small pox…and what ever concoctions she decide to throw at me. Did you know they turn off the ventilation system when they thing there's a contaminate in the air?
"The ventilation system was off? How did you know that?"
"It was hot?"
"She talked about contaminates?"
"Yeah?" Josh looked at CJ strangely. "And I saw guys in suits?"
"Suits?"
"You know those yellow suits with the gloves and the gas masks attracted." Josh looked at CJ and she seemed to be shaken. Just the idea sent shivers down her spine.
"CJ?"
"Yeah?" She was off somewhere.
"I'm sure it's nothing. You're probably right. False alarm."
"Damn it! I must have left my cell in my office." CJ walked off in a brisk pace.
"CJ!"
"I'll be right back!" She yelled.
"I wanna go home, CJ!" Josh yelled as the doors swung behind her gesturing with her stuff.
"I'll be right back!"
"Hey CJ?" Charlie walked passed dressed in his White House running outfit.
"Charlie?" CJ stopped short and looked at him. "You changed?" A little red flag went up in CJ's brain.
"So did you." Charlie held the paper in his hand that he had come back to retrieve.
"I was going camping?"
"Yeah, I heard…how is a woman who has a nervous reaction evertime she comes in contact with water go camping?"
"Charlie, why did you change?" CJ had a strange feeling.
"Oh…" Charlie looked down at his threads. "It was part of the drill."
"Drill?"
"It was a drill?"
"I thought it was a false alarm? They didn't say anything about a drill?"
"Yeah." CJ just looked at him and shook it off. "Listen CJ, I got to be here early tomorrow..sooo.." He motioned toward the door.
"Yeah, I need to….yeah…" CJ walked off toward her office.
CJ took a breath shaking off her strange feeling, telling herself she was wrong, as she ran into her office. But even if she was wrong, the idea still was beginning to freak her out. The idea of a contaminant in The White House was not unheard of. But "as if" stared her in the face her body seemed to have a visual reaction. She reached for her desk first and low and be hold it was right where she left it, next to Gail's bow. CJ reached for the phone and her hand began to shake. Maybe she wasn't as fine as she thought. CJ tried to steady her hand, but it didn't work. CJ took the phone in her hand cupping it to stop the shakes. It didn't work. She couldn't believe how she was acting. Her phone rang in her hand and CJ quickly flipped open her phone trying to ignore her problem.
"Yes." CJ answered with distraction.
"CJ?" Danny heard something in her voice.
"Yeah?" CJ said in a half strained voice trying to hold herself together.
"You okay?"
"Danny, what do you want? Did you call to bug me or do you have a reason this time?
She took a breath and kept her gaze on her unsteady hands.
"I always have a reason. What's going on, you don't sound-"
"-I'm fine." She took a quick breath into her next words. " No, no, I'm not, I'm shaking."
"CJ?"
"I'm shaking." CJ didn't know what to do as she stood in the center of her office.
"CJ did somebody hurt you? Where are you?" Danny was beside himself.
"Nobody hurt me. I'm in my office. I'm fine." CJ sat herself down on the edge of her guest chair in the front of her desk and in full view of Gail.
"And I guess you—"
"No, I can't tell you why. You can watch my briefing tomorrow like everyone else."
"Okay." Danny said in his concerned voice, understanding why. It was always about what she wanted. He did what she wanted him to do, always, in the end. They sat in silence for a moment. "Still shaking?"
"I'm doing better." Her voice was still shaky.
"Breathe."
"I'm breathing. "It's kind of a perquisite to…. breathing." CJ started to pace.
"Now, that was just stupid sarcasm, CJ. I'm just trying to help." Danny didn't speak in any sort of condescending manner. It was amazing how he could do that even when he was mad at her, well most of the time.
"Are you calling me stupid?"
"Never. I know you too well." Danny smiled on his end of the phone.
"Yes, yes you do." CJ nodded her head slightly in all seriousness. She looked up and took a breath.
"Ah, you admit it." Danny said with a short release of air.
"I'm in a state where I might admit I was deep throat so I wouldn't take that to heart." CJ rubbed her fingers over the center of her forehead.
"Okay" There was another pause while CJ looked down at her hands as they steadied their pace. She took a breath in and let it out with pursed lips. "Wanna talk about it?
"I can't."
"Okay." Danny understood. He just wanted to be there for her. There was another pause as CJ leaned back in her chair. "Do you want me to go?"
"No." She said quietly and stopped her pace.
"Okay." He would stay as long as she wanted. There was another short pause while CJ took a breath through her nose. "I'm off the record here, ya know."
"I just can't Danny I—." CJ threw herself into the seat again and looked back at her shaking hand.
"Yeah, okay." His voice always calming made it seem like it would be okay.
"But I'm here."
"Okay."
"If you want to talk CJ. I'll sit here in silence until you do. I don't mind. I have time. I have all the time in the world. We can talk about the weather, sports."
"Sports?"
"Okay, maybe not sports. Anything." He paused. "You need someone to be uncomplicated I'm that guy. I'm not there. At least not yet and if you need someone out of it to talk to. I'm here. I'm always here."
"You're never out of it Danny." She tried to laugh but it came out sad.
"I didn't mean that…"
"Danny, we can't.. I mean…. I don't want to talk about that stuff-"
"I don't mean that stuff CJ. Let's just forget about that stuff. Well, try. You won't talk about it so it's pretty much like it's not going on. I call that a very large wall called denial, but—."
"Danny."
"When it comes down to it we're friends. Always have been always will be. Let me be the one guy with no complications. The one person….. I can't forget how I feel about you and I know you can't either, but let's just, for the next three years at least, get past it. We'll say were past it, 'cause that's all I really can do…is fake it.
"I'm past it." CJ voice was low as she covered her real emotions.
"I don't believe you."
"Well, that's your problem." Her voice was starting to perk up at the banter portion of the evening.
"I think that's really your problem."
"You got my book?"
"Yeah?"
"And you kept it?"
"Yeah?"
"And you got my note?"
"Yeah….."
"Okay."
"Danny?"
"I'm here for you CJ."
"I know. And you always have been and I thank you for that.."
"So…"
"So…?"
"What happened CJ?"
CJ thought for a moment. She thought about her conversation with Donna. She thought about Ben. She thought about how nothing in her romantic life seems to work out. It all had strings. Everything came with strings attached. And as hard as she tried to make something of her and Ben, the person she wanted was right in front of her eyes. CJ, being CJ, began to avoid.
"Sartre was right?"
"I'm sorry?"
"John Paul Sartre was right."
"Hell is other people?"
"Well, yes. But the other thing—I mean I know it was about that, but the other thing?"
"In a play?"
"Yeah."
"Which one?"
"The one where," CJ rolled her eyes on what she was about to say. "Where hell is other people, where they stay together."
"No Exit?"
"Yes." CJ took a breath happy it had been discovered. "How could I forget that?"
"Your head's in other places."
"Ahh-So that was my life for the last forty-five minutes..."
"But the other people weren't hell?"
"No, No." She assured him. "I was with Donna-." CJ thought of how bad she felt for what happened between her and Donna, but it had to be said. If not now, at some point, it would have been said.
"That's why you're upset?" He leaned into the end of the question really unsure it was the right question.
"No. The reason."
"The reason?"
"Yeah. The reason…even if it's not true...just the idea of it…. sneaking in I guess."
"And you..."
"I can't Danny."
"Okay."
"I know you're just trying to help, but I just need you to stay with me a little longer."
"Okay."
"I just need to focus in on something and I'll be okay." She took a breath. "I'm almost there." She shook her hands on either said of her. "whooo."
"Just focus in on my voice. I'll just talk."
"Yeah." She took a breath. "Tell me about Nashville?"
"I tried dry rub."
"You did?" She smiled into the phone.
"Don't act so surprised?"
"I just.."
"You said it was good, so I tried it."
"And…" She leaned in on her voice for the answer as she leaned further into her chair.
"You were right. It's great."
"Really?"
"Yes!"
"Good." She smiled again. "Where are you now?" She stood up and began to pace again.
"Paris.."
"France again huh? You were right?"
"Not exactly." He laughed. "But close."
"Close but no cigar?"
"Yeah, something like that?"
"Then where?" She stopped walking. "Paris, Texas."
"Yeah." He laughed. She smiled. "The only nation in the world where you can go from Rome to Paris without a passport."
"Don't forget East Berlin Connecticut."
"I thought it was just Berlin Connecticut?"
"They have both."
"We got ourselves a pretty funny country." Danny joked.
"I know." CJ looked down at her hands. "I stopped shaking."
"Good."
CJ looked at her watch. "I need to go." CJ whined hating to do this to him. "Josh is…"
"Okay." He understood
"I just came in to get my phone…"
"Go." He said sweetly. CJ took a breath and stopped herself before speaking. CJ looked over at the camping equipment in the corner of her office.
"Danny? What do you think of camping? CJ didn't seem to want to let Danny go.
"You want me to take you camping?"
"No, what do you think of camping?"
"Camping?"
"Camping."
"I don't think I.."
"Going outside. Camping?"
"My thoughts?"
"Yes."
"Well, would you be there?"
"This is not about me Danny." She said softly since her voice was still recovering.
"If you were there it would be."
"Nevermind…."
"No, I wanna answer it. I'm not so big on the camping per say."
"You're not?"
"You were hoping I was?"
"No.."
"Cause you don't seem the camping type."
"I'm not."
"Someone making you go camping CJ?"
"No…:"
"Okay? I was just wondering why…"
"You don't like camping?"
"No."
" For a man who's traipsing around the world that seems like a bad mix."
"Don't get me wrong CJ I love nature. As do you, but spending a weekend fishing and sleeping on the ground for no good reason isn't really for any of us. A day maybe. I love looking out at the beauty of nature, sleeping out under the stars, but after a day I'm looking for a place to plug in my lap top." He paused. "Camping to me is like sleep. I can see the lure, but there are more important things I could be doing." He paused. "And once more you agree with me?"
"If I wanted to sleep in mud I'd sleep on the floor of the press room."
"Funny."
"I try."
"Anyone who knows you for any amount of time should know not to take you camping? Who want's to take you camping?"
"No one."
"Okay."
"You really don't like camping?"
"No." He paused. "Not unless there's a story involved. But I wouldn't call that camping. I just call them traveling. "
"Found an outlet in Africa did you?"
"I meant that figuratively."
"I got it."
"Closest I got was sitting on the beach in Bermuda. I don't know what came over me. I guess it was just so beautiful. I just sat down on the beach, looked up at the stars, and closed my eyes."
"Sounds nice."
"It was."
Danny smiled and CJ smiled. CJ looked over at the camping equipment.
"You don't like camping." She bemused to herself. "Yet you like kayaking?"
"You remembered?"
"How could I forget?"
"I love the outdoors. But I don't see the point in just trying to pretend you're ruffling it. Now Kayaking I have to take you."
"Danny."
"See this is what you need to do. I do this ever once in while. You take the kayak out and ride the waves, take in the sun and the water and the mountains. And then when it gets dark you ride off on a small cleaning and there's nothing but rocks and no people. None. I like to sit next to a fire and read, or write….See you're there for a reason. Fall asleep next to a rock. That's ruffling it." And in the morning you go back out."
"So you do like camping?"
"That's not camping CJ. That's life. It's not manufactured with equipment. It serves a purpose. You're going after something?"
"What?"
"Piece of mind."
"You worried about something Danny?"'
"Many, many things CJ."
"It sounds nice."
"Huh?"
"The mountains."
"I thought you didn't like camping?"
"I don't."
"I'd like to take you."
"I can't Danny."
"I know."
"Well I should go…" Yet she didn't get off the phone. She took a silent breath. ""Was there a reason you called?"
"You called me actually."
"Did I?"
"Yeah?"
"Ohhh, Carol called you." CJ remembered.
"So, you didn't—"
"Officially no…"
"So this is officially…"
"This no."
"Carol was…"
"What was it?"
"Never mind.."
"I wanted you to post a….nevermind."
"A story?"
"A story yes…I was…nevermind…So….
"So?"
"Yeah..so.."
"Okay."
"Your paper probably wouldn't let you write it anyway."
"See, those are the type of stories I like to write. What's the scoop?"
"Nothing. I've beat it into the ground too much."
"CJ?.."
"Danny, I feel like we're not gaining any ground."
"Yeah, I know.."
"I feel like.."
"You're stuck in the mud?"
"Yeah."
"Yeah."
"You always have to be right don't you."
"I don't have to always be right. I am right."
"It doesn't seem worth it."
"It's worth it."
"Is it really worth it when we just keep trying to get that boulder up the hill and every time we do we find out the hill is actually a lot bigger-in fact it's not a hill, but a huge endless mountain."
"That's politics CJ."
"I know." She droned. "It's not fair."
"Yeah, well…" He paused and CJ smiled a half grin knowing what he meant.
"I just feel like things aren't getting any better."
"They're get better."
'Better?"
"Or it'll get worse before it gets better-things always get better."
"How can you always be so damn optimistic? It amazes me."
"Cause things get better. The world isn't black and white, and then again it is black and white. Different shades of black and white—with the yin as the yang,-with the triumph is the impending doom of defeat. It's a balance.
"Everything has its up's and downs."
"Yeah. And you agree with me. What happened to the girl who believed in faith?"
"She's hanging on."
"CJ, life isn't one thing."
"I know."
"I know you know that. One day you're giddy with anticipation over a new health care bill and the next you're storming the press room and sawing off the seats."
"Yeah, I guess you heard about that.."
"Did you have the statement already prepared or did you wing it?"
"I gave Carol the heads up."
"Good plan." He laughed. "CJ, you're a worker, you're a fighter and you're a helper. I have faith in you and that you'll keep on fighting for what you believe in. And with someone like you in the white house it gives me faith. Just keep fighting and it will all fall into place. Believe me."
"Danny I'm seeing someone." It came out and she hated it did, but she felt Danny getting too close.
"Yeah….I mean I assumed…yeah…that's great." Danny tried to pretend he meant it.
"I…just thought you should know.." She lowered her head at the pain.
CJ leaned her elbow on her desk and her hand on her head. She wished she could tell Danny the real story, but he of all people she couldn't tell. She was just about coming to terms with it herself. She was pushing herself on the wrong man. Any man to try and forget the one on the other end of the phone, the man she couldn't have, the man she couldn't seem to forget.
"Yeah…I mean I wasn't…"
"I just felt you should know." Her voice trained away and she got that sad look in her eyes she had had just moments before with Danny.
"Hey, what happened to you?" Josh appeared at the doorway leaning on the threshold with CJ's belongs in his hands and arms.
CJ led her eyeballs toward Josh but spoke into the phone. "I gottta go." Her voice was horse and full of emotion.
"Yeah." Danny said in the same tone looking down and lifting his hand to his head as he shifted on the balls of his feet.
CJ clipped the phone closed, and rested in against her forehead for a moment. Josh gave her a look. "Ahhh." She took a breath and stood. "You know Satre was right?"
"Hell is other people."
"Heaven and Hell my friend. Heaven and Hell." She went for the door.
"Don't forget your coat?"
"My what?"
"Yoooor Coooat." Josh dragged out.
"Oh?" CJ reached for her coat on her couch.
"How much did you drink?" Josh asked as CJ's head appeared back up from the couch.
"I'm fine." CJ put her cell phone in her purse hanging off Josh's hand and then draped it over her own shoulder.
"Yay." Josh smirked and handed CJ her workbag and gown before walking out in front of her.
"I am." CJ yelled back as they walked through Josh's bullpen. CJ was silent and Josh noticed turning behind him with his hands in his pockets. CJ stood still.
"Are you coming?"
"Yeah? One minute. I'll be right out?"
"Okay?" Josh walked ahead and CJ took out her phone and hit one button sending back to her last call.
"Yeah, Concannon?" Danny answered not looking at the display.
"Thank you." She said sweetly and small into the phone.
"CJ?"
"I wanted to make sure you knew that."
"You're welcome." Danny said back. CJ smiled.
"I have to go now." She smirked.
"Yeah." Danny smiled on his end of the phone.
Danny clipped his phone closed and picked up his plane ticket to New York and he was gone. Even though there had been a sweet end to their conversation Danny knew it just wasn't just to ask her. He knew now.
In Washington Josh walked back into the bullpen catching CJ in the afterglow of her phone call.
"You coming?"
"Yeah." CJ looked up at her.
"Huh?" Josh looked at her with a smile.
"What?" CJ looked at him with a glow and light in her eyes.
"Your eyes?"
"What?" She asked in a sweet pushing way.
"I guess I just saw something I haven't seen in a while." He smiled. "You coming?"
"Give me a moment." CJ took a gulp.
"Yeah. I'll meet you in the lobby." Josh understood she needed to be alone and started his walk to the lobby.
Josh walked away leaving her alone. CJ took a breath and gave herself a moment of reflection. Once she had, and Josh was long from sight, she took the walk to the lobby alone.
CJ finally was getting was what going on with her after months. She felt the feeling in her stomach that she wished she felt for Ben again. She walked off toward the lobby, down the corridor, wondering what she was going to do with her life. She needed to come to terms with a lot of things.
Song: Last Train Home
To every broken heart in here
Love was once a part, but now it's disappeared
She told me that it's all part of the choices that you make
Even when you think you're right
You have to give to take
But there's still tomorrow
Forget the sorrow
And I can be on the last train home
Watch it pass the day
As it fades away
No more time to care
No more time, today
She may have been out of lockdown, but she was feeling stuck in so many places with no exit in sight.
Song: Light in Your Eyes
Something is happening
Everything's different but everything is fine
This is the good stuff
Yesterday's only what you leave behind
It's only in your mind
You gotta talk to the One who made you
Talk to the One who understands
Talk to the One who gave you all the light in your eyes
All the light in your eyes
No use pretending
You never existed until you saw the light
You're just beginning
You have the mistakes all ahead of you
And you know what to do
Here comes the world and she is beautifully mysterious
She's got it all and you say 'give it to me'
Nobody's happy
That's not the world I know inside
Everybody hides
Yeah, thank you thank you!
Yeah, everything great and small
Yeah, thank you thank you!
-Sheryl Crow