Disclaimer: There is a long list of things from this story that I do not own. The only things which are mine are Geillis, the storyline, and the bad Italian translation of Imani Coppola's "I'm a Tree".
Chapter 3: I've Got A Lovely Bunch Of Coconuts
The next day, Geillis stood at the front of the classroom as she awaited the First-Year class she would have to teach that morning. It was the Gryffindors and the Hufflepuffs—both these houses were normally well-behaved, or so she had been informed; however, Geillis remembered her own student days at Hogwarts, and she was of the opinion that the children from each house would be, on average, equally mischievous. They would only go about their troublemaking in different ways.
The children filed in, some of them chattering as they went. Geillis noticed that most of the ones with the Gryffindor crest were silent. When they had all seated themselves, Geillis began the class with a variation on her standard beginning-of-the-year speech.
"Welcome," she said, smiling. "My name is Professor Gaerwing, but if you like, in the classroom you may call me Geillis. My mother used to teach Transfiguration, so to this day, when somebody says 'Professor Gaerwing', I half expect to hear her reply, even though she retired five years ago and, in any case, has lived in Canada since 1979." There was a brief chuckle at this which ran nervously through the class, and Geillis remembered belatedly that the Gryffindors had just come from their first Potions class. Considering the ill-tempered man who taught that subject, it was no wonder that they seemed a bit agitated.
"All right, then. The first thing I want you all to know is that it is perfectly all right to laugh in my classroom. In fact, I encourage it as long as it is not meant to hurt anybody. I enjoy a good laugh as much as most other people do, so I see no need to deny you the chance to laugh when it comes. Besides, it's a good warm-up for singing; a good laugh gets the proper muscles working better than a good many of the warm-ups I'll be teaching you. But by this I mean a proper laugh, one that comes from somewhere around your belly, not one of those silly little titters or giggles. Is this perfectly clear?" She put on her most serious face. This had the intended effect; the sheer ambiguity of her words and her facial expression made the whole class burst into laughter.
She smiled. "I'm glad I've managed to get through to you so quickly. Now, to business. The first thing I'm going to do is listen to your voices to see what range each of you can sing in. Don't worry; I'll not have you sing any solos—yet, anyway. There isn't the time today. Instead, I'll have all of you sing at once, and listen to your voices individually. I warn you, though, that I shall have to divide it between the girls and the boys, because of the natural differences in your voices."
She paused. "Actually, it might be a good idea for me to take attendance first, so I know what letter to place beside your names."
The class laughed again. "That's right, keep it up," she grinned. "All right, then; raise your hand when I say your name."
The attendance-taking was a fairly quick procedure, and she noticed that "Potter, Harry" was quite relieved that she didn't linger on his name or give it any special attention. Evidently, he'd had enough of that sort of thing from his other teachers.
"All right. Now I'm going to listen to your voices. Don't worry if you have no musical background, or if you couldn't carry a tune in a cauldron. I assure you that by the year's end, this will have changed."
She took a Muggle tuppence from one of her pockets. "I'm going to flip this coin to decide who gets to go first. Heads it's the girls, and tails it's the boys." She flipped the coin. "Tails!"
She had the boys form up into a group, with enough space between them that she would be able to walk among them and hear each voice individually. "Okay, lads," she said. "Now I want you to sing 'how blue is the sky' at whatever pitch—that's the highness or lowness of the sound of your voice—that you find to be most comfortable. Repeat it until I ask you to stop."
The room was at once filled with a cacophony of male voices, but Geillis was unfazed. She walked around and made notes on her clipboard. When she was done, she motioned for the boys to stop, and repeated the process with the girls. "Excellent," she said when she was finished. "I am pleased to announce that even those of you with no musical background should be able to pass this course quite decently—provided, of course, that they work for it." She made this announcement during every first class. Over the years, she'd found that it helped her students to relax and enjoy their lessons a bit more.
She closed her book of lesson plans. "Well, I think we can leave it here for today. Just read Chapter One of your textbook for next day, and have it summarized in your notebooks. I must warn you that it is my policy to take ten points from the house of anyone who fails to have their assignments done on time. Are there any questions?"
A girl with frizzy copper hair raised her hand. "Yes, Hermione?"
"Please, Professor, can you give us a demonstration of Songspell magic?"
Geillis smiled. "Certainly. If you will just give me a moment to prepare, I would be glad to." She ran through a couple of warm-ups, took out her wand, and held it aloft.
"Il sole non é difficile da vedere
Semplicemente non guardare il televisore
Ogni cosa é una parte di un' altra cosa
Sono un' albero."
As Geillis finished her song, there was a flash of light. In her place, there stood a tree. Fifteen seconds later, there was another flash of light and Geillis stood before the astonished students, in her own form once again.
"Now that we've gotten that out of the way, this class is dismissed—and if anyone gives you trouble for being out of class twenty minutes early, have them take it up with me."
The children filed out in a rather better mood than the one in which they had entered the room. One small boy with green eyes, black hair, and a lightning-bolt scar on his forehead came up to her. "Professor Gaerwing?" he said, tentatively.
"Yes, Harry?"
"I just wanted to thank you for not making a big deal of my being here. Most of the other professors have pointed me out somehow and I didn't like it."
Geillis smiled at him. "You're quite welcome. I thought that you wouldn't want me to single you out. I've been at the centre of unwanted attention myself, so I know what it's like. And besides, you seem to be a fairly quiet person." She paused. "What did they do? I don't mean to pry, and you don't have to answer that if you don't want to, but maybe I can have a word with my colleagues and nip this in the bud, so to speak."
"Well," Harry began, "Professor McGonagall made a small speech about celebrity being irrelevant to one's performance in school. Professor Flitwick fell off of his stool when he saw my name on the register during roll call. And when I was in the hall, walking to Potions class, this lady came up to me, took one look at me, and told me I was going to die—"
Geillis laughed. So, she actually bothered to come down out of that ridiculous tower of hers for once! "Don't worry about that one, Harry. That was Professor Trelawney. She teaches Divination. You may encounter her again in your third year. It isn't what one might call an exact science, and she tends to predict something fairly awful at least once a week. In fact, we start to get nervous when she makes an optimistic prediction."
Harry smiled his thanks, but then his face went serious again. "And Professor Snape, this morning…" he trailed off, turning slightly pink.
"What is it, Harry?" Geillis asked, concerned.
"He humiliated Harry in front of the entire class, Professor," said a voice behind her.
"Ah, thank you, Ron," Geillis said. "Is this true, Harry?"
Harry nodded, and he and Ron—who had stayed back to wait for Harry—told her about that first Potions class. Her face grew quite serious as she listened. "Thank you for telling me," she said. "I shall be certain to speak with Professor Snape about this, though I can't promise that it will bring any results. He isn't the easiest person in the world to talk to, as I'm sure you've noticed. Now, off with you. It's a lovely day outside, and you three should be out there, enjoying it."
"Yes, ma'am," they chorused, and Harry and Ron made their way outside. Watching them, Geillis smiled. She thought wistfully of her own first year at Hogwarts, and how simple the world had seemed—though perhaps this simplicity was the result of nearly twenty years' worth of hindsight.
She shook her head to clear it of the nostalgic thoughts. If she read her schedule correctly, she was teaching the first-year Ravenclaws and Slytherins this afternoon. She was fairly certain that she could get along with the Ravenclaws—she had been one herself, after all—but the Slytherins were another matter. Given her problems with their Head of House, she did not expect that this afternoon's class would be as easy or as enjoyable as this morning's had been.
***
She walked through the halls on her way to the library, lost in thought. She almost didn't see the all-too-familiar black-clad form of Snape himself; as it was, he saw her first. "Why aren't you teaching?" he snapped.
"We finished early, and I thought that it was a shame to keep them cooped up on a lovely day like this."
"You should have given them more work to do when they ran out of whatever it was that you had them doing."
"Pardon me, Professor Snape, but isn't Potions your area of expertise? What I covered today was more than enough for anyone just beginning to learn the intricacies of music."
He was about to make another cutting remark when she held up her hand to stop him. "Please, spare me the sarcasm," she said. "I have not the time for it. However, I would like to speak with you later about your distinctly unprofessional behaviour this morning in regards to one of our first-year students."
"Potter came whining to you, did he?" Snape sneered. "Well, Professor Gaerwing, let me say this—my teaching methods are my own. You may certainly not interfere. He is not the first student who could not take honest criticism, and I am certain that he shall not be the last. I shall continue to treat him exactly as I see fit. Furthermore, I would advise you not to forget precisely who is the senior staff member between us. I expect you to treat me with the respect that I deserve—and that also means that I expect you to be properly respectful towards my Slytherins. Is this clear?"
Geillis stiffened at that. "Rest assured, Professor, that I shall not treat them any better or worse than any of my other students. However, you must not expect more than that. They shall be rewarded if they work hard, and punished if they give me trouble—just like members of any of the other Houses. Is this clear? Now, Professor Snape, if we have no further business to discuss, I bid you good day. I have things to attend to that are far more important than arguing with you." She swept off, leaving Snape in a rage behind her.
Under his breath, he muttered an extremely uncomplimentary word in her direction and then stalked off towards the dungeon. However, he was secretly pleased that he had managed to extract a promise from her—or at least, something like a promise—that she would not treat his Slytherins badly simply because they were Slytherins.
***
Geillis' fears concerning the afternoon class were unfortunately confirmed. The Ravenclaws were friendly enough, if only because she had once been one of them, but the Slytherins—! Geillis wouldn't have been surprised to hear that Snape had put them up to being especially rude to her. She certainly wouldn't put it past him.
It was the last straw when Draco Malfoy refused to let her assess his voice.
"Why aren't you singing, Draco?" she asked him.
"I don't want to, and you can't make me," he said insolently.
That's what you think, she thought. For the moment, though, she simply moved on. She noticed him give a smirk to his friends, Crabbe and Goyle. Fortunately, she had already heard their voices. By Merlin, they were horrible.
When she had finished, she gestured for the boys to stop; fortunately, she had listened to the girls first. "And now," she said, "as Mr Malfoy here appears to believe that his voice is too good to be lost in a sea of other voices, he will now favour us with a solo."
"I shall do no such thing!" said Malfoy.
"I wouldn't bet on that, Draco," she said, taking out her wand. "Canta!"
Malfoy appeared to be fighting the spell, but it was too powerful for him. His face screwed up in an effort to keep from singing, he suddenly burst into song:
"Down at an English fair, one evening I was there,
When I heard a showman shouting underneath the blare,
I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts,
There they are, a-standing in a row,
Big ones, small ones,
Some as big as your head!—"
Even the Slytherins couldn't keep from laughing as Malfoy sang.
"—A penny a pitch!"
"Thank you, Mr Malfoy. Well, I do believe that this concludes our class for today. Please read Chapter One in your textbooks and have it summarized in your notes for next class. And I must warn you, anyone who shows up without their summary completed will lose their house ten points. Class is dismissed."
Again, the class ended twenty minutes early. Somehow, Geillis doubted that Snape would mind it this time, as it involved his precious Slytherins.
At the thought of Snape, she smiled. Malfoy was certain to tell him about the incident. Wouldn't she love to see the look on his face when he heard what she had done…
***
Draco Malfoy rushed down to the dungeons, where Professor Snape's office was. It was simply intolerable! That bitch! That horrible, uppity bitch! How dare she do that to him!
Ha. He'd fix her. When Snape found out, she'd be lucky if she wasn't given the killing curse. He'd be so angry…
"Sir, may I speak with you for a moment?"
"Certainly, Mr Malfoy," came the cool voice. "What is it?"
"It's that awful Professor Gaerwing, sir," he said. "She humiliated me in front of the entire class."
And after that holier-than-thou comment to me about Potter! thought Snape, irritably. "What did she do?" he asked, trying to keep his anger under control.
"She made me sing alone because I refused to sing in a group," he said. "It was some stupid song about coconuts."
"Coconuts?"
"Yes, sir. Coconuts. A lovely bunch of coconuts, standing in a row."
Snape's face grew sterner. "I shall, of course, have a word with her about this, Mr Malfoy," he said smoothly. "While she was quite within her rights to do something when you disobeyed her, this does seem to have been rather—excessive. Thank you for informing me. I shall speak with her about this as soon as it is convenient. You may go, Mr Malfoy."
"Yes, sir. Thank you, sir."
When Snape was totally certain that Malfoy had left the dungeons and was a safe distance away, he took out his wand and said, "Silencio!"
Confident that no sound would escape his chambers, Severus Snape began to laugh.
"I've Got A Lovely Bunch Of Coconuts!" Who would have thought of that?
Some time later, when he had finished laughing, he removed the spell. He smirked.
If we can ever speak together without having the urge to strangle each other, I shall have to get her to teach me that spell.
***
He found her by the lake, quietly trying to read a new piece of music.
Der graue nebel tropft so still
Heraub auf feld und Wald und Heide,
Als ob der Himmel weinen will
In übergroβem Leide.
Die Blumen wollen nicht mehr blühn,
Die Vöglein schweigen in den Hainen,
Es starb sogar das letzte Grün,
Da mag er auch wohl weinen.
He smirked. Either she was in a bad mood, or planned to be; he didn't understand German very well, but he knew that with a tune like that, the song she had been singing couldn't have been cheerful. "Professor Gaerwing," he said, coldly.
The witch started and rose quickly to her feet. "Professor Snape. To what do I owe the rather dubious honour of this visit?" she asked, crossly.
He ignored that. "It involves your treatment of one of my Slytherins in your class this afternoon."
"I presume that by that you mean a certain Draco Malfoy?" she asked. "I suppose that what I did may have been a little harsh, but it was all that I could think of on the spot. And besides, I did have to hear his voice so I could figure out how best to teach him. I take it that he didn't tell you that I refrained from taking away House points, though I would have been quite within my rights to do so."
This was a surprise. "No, he did not inform me of this. However, I hope that there was nothing personal involved, as you chose to chastise me for similar behaviour towards Potter this morning."
"There was not. I assure you that not all people are as vindictive as you appear to be. However, although I encourage humour in my classroom, I do not tolerate insolence, and if any of my students act as Malfoy did today, I try to give them a suitable reprimand."
"Even Potter?" he sneered.
"Yes, Professor Snape, even Harry Potter. I see no point in openly preferring or despising one student over the others." She paused. "Perhaps it may interest you, however, to know that Mr Malfoy has a rather impressive voice. His little performance this afternoon was really quite good—and if he can sing 'I've Got A Lovely Bunch Of Coconuts' without sounding foolish, then he shouldn't have any trouble with any of the more…dignified pieces that I'll be teaching the class before we start with the magical aspects of the course."
Snape's face went rather carefully blank, and Geillis suspected that he was actually trying not to laugh. The blank expression quickly became a smirk, and he said nastily, "Why, Professor Gaerwing, are you actually trying to ingratiate yourself to me? You have, after all, just flattered my favourite student with your—approval. Really, you should know better than to try. It certainly will not work."
This failed to get the hoped-for rise from Geillis. "No, Professor, that was certainly not my intent," was her calm reply. "I simply meant to inform you that if Mr Malfoy chooses to apply himself to the work which I will be assigning, he should fare quite well in my class, even though we have taken quite a serious personal dislike to each other. If he fails, it will be his own fault. Do you understand me?"
"Perfectly." He bowed stiffly and turned to go.
Geillis sighed. She had to admit that he had been right to question her for her treatment of Malfoy when it was quite similar to his treatment of Harry, though she dared to think that perhaps what she had done was not quite so damaging.
Still, she smiled to herself as she dropped back down onto the soft grass.
That could have been a lot worse than it was, she thought.
Still, the coconut song really was quite amusing.
Chuckling softly to herself, Geillis returned to her melancholy German song.
A/N: Once again, I find myself having to explain some of the allusions in this text.
As I pointed out in the disclaimer, the song which Geillis sings is a bad Italian translation of the chorus to Imani Coppola's "I'm a Tree". The reason I chose Italian was that I'm more familiar with Italian than Latin. Besides, Italian has been called "the language of music", and many musical terms (most that I've ever encountered, anyway) are in Italian. What better language could there be, then, for a music teacher at Hogwarts to use in a spell?
By the way, if anybody reads this who speaks Italian, I apologize for mangling the language. There's no way on Earth that I could be called fluent.
"I've Got A Lovely Bunch of Coconuts" was written by Fred Heatherton and performed by Danny Kaye. It's also one of my favourite songs, and it was the first one which popped into my head when Draco refused to sing. Trust him to make trouble—though I was surprised to find that in my little mental version of the story, he has a pretty good singing voice. =)
The German song which Snape finds Geillis singing is called "Spätherbst", and it was written by Johannes Brahms. As I have been informed by a friend who speaks German, the words roughly translate to "The grey mist falls silently upon the field, wood and hedgerow, as if Heaven wished to weep in overwhelming sorrow. The flowers will never bloom again, the birds in the groves do not sing, and the last green thing has died. Heaven is right to weep." I'll have to take her word for it, as I only know a few German words and one of them is quite rude. For anyone who's really curious about what the song sounds like, there's a midi of it at http:// www. acjbeyrouth.org/ mus_midi.htm. It's the fourth one down. (Just take out the extra spaces I had to leave.) It's in four-part harmony, but Geillis only sings the soprano line as it seems to carry the tune. I toyed with the idea of having her sing in harmony with herself, but that's a little too much Mary-Sue for comfort.