DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the movies that I mention and/or/most likely use/spoof/mention. Savvy? And just like always, [text in here] is someone's thoughts. kk on with the story.

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Chapter 3: Pirates of a Time in Mexico

Jack Sparrow reappeared to find himself sitting at a table in a restaurant and sitting across from him was Esmeralda.

"What am I doing and where am I luv?" he asked

"Okay, listen to me. You are in Mexico. You are here to meet with a crooked man named Belini who is going to give you some information on a man named El Mariachi. Sav-"

"Stop! Right there! No more...savvy? Now where is Mexico? and who is El Maria-something-or-other."

"Mexico is near the Caribbean, in a way. And it is your job to find out who El Mariachi is."

"Ummm...okay, but what do I do with this fake arm thingy?" Jack asked, he was still really confused.

"Attach the fake arm to your left shoulder, and hold your left arm under the table with a gun in your hand."

"Hey! Where's my gun?!?" Jack had reached into his pants to take his gun out (why he put his gun in his pants in the first place we'll never know) and instead of his normal pistol, he found a 2003 gun with a silencer on it.

"It's 2003, pistols like the one you normally use are now obsolete. You have to go with the times. Now I will be at the bar if you need me."

"What good food is there here?"

[why do guys always care about food?] she thought "I ordered you a dish called puerco pibilil. Now here's a list of things to say that will help you. Remember, trust your instincts. Ahh, here's your date." she said. As Belini came to the table, she got up and went to sit at the bar.

"Ooh," Belini said as he sat down, "Who was that?"

"My friend, now quit leering. Anyway, I have ne-ver heard of the man you rec-om-men-ded." Jack said as he was reading off the paper Esmeralda gave him.

"Who? The guitar fighter?" Jack nodded, "Let me explain." And Belini explained all about El Mariachi. For ten minutes.

[when will this bloke shut up! I still don't know what I'm doing here. What in bloody hell am I wearing? It makes me feel comfy! Can I please shoot this idiot!] Jack was thinking.

[I can hear what you are thinking, and no you cannot shoot the bloke this time.] Esmeralda's voice was heard in his head.

[just one shot?]

[next time, I promise.]

[god I could use some rum. Looks like he's winding down,now what do I do? Let's ask the magic paper. Hmm...'give him the $10,000 and say it still might be too much.'] "Here's the $10,000 for the info. Although it still might be too much." Sparrow...um...Sands...ok it was Sparrow and he looked like Sands said.

"You'd shoot me over $10,000 dollars? You wouldn't dare!" Belini said as he walked out of the restaurant.

"Yes I would" Jack muttered and Esmeralda started laughing.

"What's so funny?"

"It's just bloody hard to believe that you are a pirate under that CIA agent look."

"What do you mean by a CIA agent look?"

"Look in that mirror."

Sparrow went over to the mirror, and when he saw what he looked like, well, all he said was three simple words: "Oh my God!" It's safe to say he was honestly shocked. Gone were his great long beaded hair. In its place was plain, chin-lentgh, straight black hair. His face was not as tanned as it normally was, and he had no makeup on. His pirate clothes had been replaced with a brown blazer and a nice pair of business pants.

"Um," Esmeralda began, "You do realize you still have the fake arm attached to you, right?"

"Oops." he said as he detached it, "So what do I do now?"

"Call this number," she said as she handed him a piece of paper, "You'll talk to a man named Cucuy. Tell him the information that Belini gave you, and tell him where to bring the Mariachi, savvy?"

"You just aren't going to stop saying my line, are you?"

"Give me a good reason and I will."

"Maybe later. But who exactly am I supposed to be?"

"You are Sheldon Jeffery Sands and you work for the CIA, Central Intelligence Agency."

"Sheldon? What kind of name is Sheldon?" Jack started laughing.

"Your new name."

"Okay, so why am I in Mexico?"

"You are hiring a man called El Mariachi to kill an evil dude named Marquez. Anything more detailed, and you will need to look at the papers I gave you. Understand?"

"Ok, so I call this Cucuy man now?" and Esmeralda nodded. Jack took out a cell phone and tried to figure out how to use it.

10 minutes later..........

"Help!" Jack screeched "I don't know how to use this bloody thing!" Unfortunatly, as he said this, a girl walked right by them staring at them.

"Uh...El es mi hermano." Esmeralda said in crappy Spanish, "El es loco, perdon."

"Ah, si si." and the girl started to ramble quickly on and on and on and on in Spanish so much that Esmeralda and Jack had no clue what she was saying. Finally, she stopped.

"Well then," Jack began, "gracias, and hasta luego." Jack said as Esmeralda pushed him out of the restaurant.

"Ok," Esmeralda said after they got outside, "I am going to teach you how to use a cell phone. First look at the paper with the numbers on it." Jack took out the paper. "Now press the corresponding number on the phone for each number on the paper." Jack pushed the button for the first number BEEP!!! and the touch-tone beeped.

"What the devil was that!" he screamed as he dropped the phone.

"That was the touch tone beeping." Esmeralda said as she picked up the phone, "Try again."

So he picked up the phone and it started toring the 'what do you do with a drunken sailor' ring tone.

"What in bloody hell!" he screamed as he dropped the phone again.

sigh Esmeralda picked up the phone "Hello? Oh hello Senor Cucuy. No he's not here right now, he's in the bathroom."

"No I'm not!" Jack said and Esmeralda gestured to him to shut up.

"Yes I have that information that you need."

5 minutes later..............

"You are without doubt the worst CIA agent I've ever seen."

"Pirate!"

"Whatever. Look, just just go here. And just follow the script a little bit." and with that, she disapperared.

20 minutes later............................

"I need you to put the hurtin so to speak on Marquez after he's killed the president, savvy?" [crap I should stop saying that] "Meet my associate at the church at three o'clock. I'll call you afterward if we have a deal." and he gave El Mariachi a cell phone, signed his check, went back into the kitchen, and shot the cook. Because that's his new job, to restore the balance to the country.

AT 3 O'CLOCK

Sparrow had finally figured out to use the phone without dropping it and was now dressed as a priest.

[I think I'll imitate Marlon Brando while I'm talking to El Mariachi. Whoa! Where did that random thought come from?] Jack walked into the little confession room thingy (A/N I have no idea what it is called sorry!)

"When was your last confession, and who was your priest?"

"An hour ago, and my priest was Sands." [who was muy obnoxious] El Mariachi said and thought.

"Ok, you will carry out your assignments exactly as planned. If you fail, there is a good chance your ass will get shot off."

"Whatever. When do I begin?"

"Give me just a moment." And Jack walked out of the little room thingy and he saw the gunmen.

[shit] "um...peace be with you." and he scurried on out of there.

5 minutes later..............

"Well, time to see if he survived." he dialed the number of the phone he had given to El Mariachi, awkardly, but he dialed it still."

"Glad to see you are still standing. You pass the test. I will call you with further instructions. Over and out." and he hung up. "This is fun! I need a drink. Wonder where I can find some rum?"

"No rum here, but try a tequila." Esmeralda said from behind him.

"How long have you been standing there?"

"About ten seconds."

"Well if I'm going to get some tequila, will you come with me?" Jack asked oh-so-innocently.

"Hell, why not."

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The road goes on...............

A/N: Don't ya wish most guys were like that? I certainly do. Oh well, Thanks to all the people who reviewed on the story so far! claps for you! I'm working on new stuff for my other stories, but my school's final exams are next week I Oohh! sorry, I'm watching Don Juan de Marco right now so I can create a new chapter all about him, and god damn is he hot looking in that! Well, bye!

Here's the spanish translation. well at least I think:

''he is my brother, he is crazy sorry"