Title: Lost in the Shadows
Author: Stardrops
Rating: G
Genre: Angst/Romance
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Duh. And I should probably add that
in a later chapter, the idea for the constellations and star spotting was
borrowed from some of "Rigella" 's writing, which everyone should check
out.
Chapter One: Hiding the Truth
The dark and quiet of night was so relaxing. Up on the top of the tallest Astronomy Tower, Draco leaned against a wall. The cool night breeze ruffled his silvery blonde hair lightly, and as his eyelids closed, two beautiful grey eyes filled with emotion were hidden. Pale moonlight illuminated the tower and gave the castle a mystical appearance.
This was one of Draco's favourite places to be. He'd been fascinated by the bright lights of the universe for as long as he could remember. It was like an escape from reality, and his home away from the world. Being in solitude with the stars and planets for company was the one place he could go when the pain became too much for him to bear. When he was forced to remember...
Shaking his head, he tried to clear his thoughts and just enjoy the serenity of the quiet night. For one night, he would like to forget what he'd witnessed and just be normal again. He looked down at his left forearm. That was where his father was going to brand him on his seventeenth birthday, when he became of age. The place where he would wear the Dark Mark.
For so long, everyone at Hogwarts and in the wizarding world had expected him to grow up to be a Death Eater like his father. For sixteen years, it had been his expectation also. But after the events of the summer, everything had changed. There was doubt in his mind about everything he'd ever believed in. Including himself. He doubted his opinions, his beliefs, and most of all, he doubted his future.
It was so painful to think about going on.
As the night enveloped him, visions and memories of the summer played through his mind. Pent-up emotion burst from deep inside through a soft cry that only Draco could hear. Falling to his knees, he clutched both hands to his head. The images flashed through his head, bringing unshed tears to his eyes. It was the vision of the body lying on the floor of the Malfoy Manor that brought a cry of anguish from Draco's lips into the silent night. The memory of a cold, sinister laugh breaking the cold quiet of the house Draco had once called home that now brought a chill to his heart.
Would he ever call it home again? Would he ever return to the place where he no longer could bear to reside, with the knowledge that he stood in the abode where such a cruel, cold-blooded slaughter had taken place?
Would he ever be able to look his father in the eyes and call him 'dad' ever again?
The hurt bottled up inside threatened to break loose, but Draco held it back. Even though there was no one here, he would not lower himself to the standard of a normal person. He would hold himself higher. Stronger. And never let anyone ever see him crying. Especially not now.
A single owl swooped through the darkness, breaking through Draco's thoughts. The golden brown wings of the bird were outstretched, and Draco smiled wistfully to himself as he imagined his own spirit in the body of a bird. The freedom. The wonder. The ability to fly away and hide with no worry for his safety from an evil wizard.
The life he'd never have.
With this thought, Draco rose from the floor, rubbing his temple where a slight ache was now irritating him. The chain around his neck glittered as he held the pendant close to his heart. The one remaining memory he had left of before the summer. Everything else in his mind was tainted with a black shadow now. The shadow that crept out in his dreams, reminding him of everything he wanted to forget but knew he never would.
A gentle, cold rush of air swept over him, bringing him back to reality. His watch read three o'clock. He knew that if he did not sleep, he would regret it the next morning. And so he lay on the floor of the Tower, not caring that if he was caught he would lose points for his house, not caring about getting a hundred detentions. The only thing he really cared about was gone, with nothing left but a necklace. A simple chain of gold with a star-shaped pendant was all that remained. Before he settled for the night, he held the pendant up to the moonlight and watched the stardust glitter lightly.
A familiar wave of cold clenched his heart and he dropped the necklace quickly so it dangled out of sight, around his neck. He would not cry. He would never give them that satisfaction.
Alone in the tower was one place he could try to wrench himself out of this miserable dream and back into reality. With all his might, he closed his eyes and clenched his fists. This year at school would not be ruined by those visions.
He would not let himself dwell on the events of the horrific summer. He knew he'd never forget, and he'd never let himself forget. He had to honour the memory. But he would not dwell on it.
And with that thought Draco closed his eyes and was shut off from the world in a troubled land of dreams and sleep.
* * *
The golden sunrise dawned over the castle grounds. Reflections shimmered in the lake's surface, giving a diamond effect to the dewy summer's morning.
A gentle ray of sunlight hit Draco's eyes, rousing him from his uneasy slumber. Rubbing the back of his hand roughly across his eyes, he watched the sun illuminate the morning.
Wrapping his cloak around his shoulders, he descended the stairs of the tower as soundlessly as he could. Such an early start ensured him that no one would catch him roaming the out-of-bounds area of the school.
As he walked, he tucked the necklace down the front of his robes. He hadn't bothered to change since their arrival at the school the night before. The Sorting Ceremony was to take place at breakfast that morning because some of the new students had not yet arrived. Draco always assumed that every student caught the Hogwarts Express and therefore did not understand how they could not have arrived yet, but was not interested enough to pursue the matter further in his thoughts.
As he had presumed, the lack of sleep was even now threatening to consume him. He'd slept only three hours, and knew today, as the first day of school, would include lots of speeches about their N.E.W.T.'s and the seventh year workload. All the lectures were likely to bore him nearly to sleep.
He'd already received the lecture from his father at the beginning of the summer...that had been before the murder. Draco flinched as the thoughts came rushing back. Great. So far, since that awful night, he had not gone one single day without thinking about it. In fact, he'd had trouble going for about an hour without it popping into his head at least once.
Slipping unnoticed into the boy's dormitory, he crept to his bed and covered himself with the sheets. No one need ever know that he had been missing the night before.
Lying there for an hour, Draco found sleep desperately trying to overcome him but would not let it. He knew the other boys would be waking any moment, and if they did, he had to act normally, so no one realized that this year, he was not who he used to be.
Draco breathed deeply and let his breath come rushing out in a sigh. Who was he? Doubting his past was easy because he now mostly knew what were lies and what weren't. Doubting the present was harder because with the past being so shrouded in lies, the present was harder to decipher. But by far, the hardest was having to doubt his future.
He no longer wanted what he'd spent his life waiting for. The Dark Mark, to be forever in the service of one of the greatest wizards of all time, to be following his fathers footsteps. He didn't want any of that anymore.
He wanted something he couldn't have. He wanted to go back in time and erase the summer. He wanted to change it so the events never came to pass. And most of all, he wanted just once more to see the face he'd learnt by heart. The smiles, the laughing, the crying, the innocence...He wanted to see that wonderful face bring it all back.
And it could never happen.
* * *
The Great Hall was starting to fill with students as Draco entered, flagged by Crabbe and Goyle. He'd been right, no one had noticed him not being there the night before. Draco was surprised to find that it hurt, knowing that no one cared enough to notice when he was gone. However, he also felt slightly glad he didn't have to explain where he was or why he'd gone...It would bring back too much over again.
Taking his usual seat in the Hall, he stared at the empty plate before him, not willing to look around at his fellow students. Did anyone know what had happened? Did anyone know what Voldemort had done over the summer? Draco doubted it. Unless Dumbledore knew. Dumbledore always knew when something had happened. It was one of many unnerving things about the man is that he always seemed to be informed of everything.
A loud clinking of metal against glass stirred Draco. He was grateful for the interruption as he didn't much feel like staying within his thoughts much longer and was eager for a distraction.
Dumbledore had made his usual speech the night before at the feast, which meant they were spared the prospect of having to listen to another one. As silence fell across the hall, the doors opened and two long lines of students entered. Led by Professor Snape, Draco observed the majority of young students. They all seemed so tiny and frightened. At the end of the two lines were three other students who were taller and appeared to be older, two girls and one boy.
The line quickly dispersed as the students were placed in their houses by the hat. Draco's attention wavered and the Sorting blurred until it came to the older students.
The boy was called out first. Running a had nervously through his light brown hair, he sat on the stool and clenched his fists as the hat was placed upon his head. Draco rolled his eyes. He watched as the boy was placed in Hufflepuff, and then his eyes were directed to the next girl in line. Her name was called out.
"Winters, Delphine."
The girl walked forward to sit on the chair. Draco couldn't help but think she looked strangely familiar. She had long, straight blonde hair and a slim but attractive figure. Draco caught a glimpse of clear brown eyes staring out at the hall before the hat fell over her head, covering her face.
Crabbe nudged him. "Hey, what a hottie! You reckon?"
Draco was pulled back down to earth. "I guess." Crabbe turned to ask Goyle the same question. Draco watched as the hat seemed to think to itself for ages. He was wondering if the hat was actually ever going to say anything when it suddenly hollered, "Gryffindor!"
Draco closed his eyes briefly. The Gryffindor table. Of course.
He watched the other girl, a brunette, get Sorted. She was sent to their table. Draco reached forward with everyone else to clap her and shake her hand. But he still couldn't help stealing another look at the blonde who was now happily seated next to Hermione Granger.
He shook his head. Something about that girl was uncannily familiar.
"Hey, what's that on your hand, Drake?" asked Goyle thickly, having just taken a huge bite of bacon.
Draco looked down at the scar on the back of his left hand. It was a mark from the summer when he'd tried to stop the murder. He'd lunged for his father and the spell had missed, but grazed the back of his hand. He'd have it forever as a memory of that night.
He looked up at Goyle and shrugged carelessly. "Just a burn from the holidays."
Obviously that was good enough for Goyle because he nodded and grabbed three more pieces of toast to add to the enormous pile of food already on his plate.
"Hey, mate, you gonna eat?" asked Crabbe, looking concernedly at Draco's untouched plate.
Draco looked at the plates piled high with food and swallowed. He'd hardly eaten since that night in the summer. And yet he found that he still was not hungry.
He forced a grin and said, "Yeah, but I pigged out last night, remember?" Of course they wouldn't know that he'd not eaten a thing last night. They'd been so hungry that they hadn't noticed when he'd left the table in the middle of the Feast to find solitude.
He grabbed a piece of toast and said, "Going for a walk. See you in Herbology." Crabbe and Goyle hardly acknowledged him as he left the hall again.
Draco looked back over his shoulder as he slipped out through the Entrance Hall. Sitting on the High Table in the middle with all the other teachers was Dumbledore. And the old man was looking directly at Draco.
Draco knew at once that somehow the wizard knew what had happened. And he felt an unexplainable surge of warmth spread through his heart when Dumbledore reached for his goblet of orange juice and raised it towards him in a single toast.
He left the hall. But even as the quiet peace of the grounds relaxed his soul, he could not help feeling just a little bit glad that he was there, with Dumbledore, instead of at home with his father and Voldemort.
At least here, he was safe.
For now.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Please review! I'll be updating as soon as possible if you pplz like it.
Chapter One: Hiding the Truth
The dark and quiet of night was so relaxing. Up on the top of the tallest Astronomy Tower, Draco leaned against a wall. The cool night breeze ruffled his silvery blonde hair lightly, and as his eyelids closed, two beautiful grey eyes filled with emotion were hidden. Pale moonlight illuminated the tower and gave the castle a mystical appearance.
This was one of Draco's favourite places to be. He'd been fascinated by the bright lights of the universe for as long as he could remember. It was like an escape from reality, and his home away from the world. Being in solitude with the stars and planets for company was the one place he could go when the pain became too much for him to bear. When he was forced to remember...
Shaking his head, he tried to clear his thoughts and just enjoy the serenity of the quiet night. For one night, he would like to forget what he'd witnessed and just be normal again. He looked down at his left forearm. That was where his father was going to brand him on his seventeenth birthday, when he became of age. The place where he would wear the Dark Mark.
For so long, everyone at Hogwarts and in the wizarding world had expected him to grow up to be a Death Eater like his father. For sixteen years, it had been his expectation also. But after the events of the summer, everything had changed. There was doubt in his mind about everything he'd ever believed in. Including himself. He doubted his opinions, his beliefs, and most of all, he doubted his future.
It was so painful to think about going on.
As the night enveloped him, visions and memories of the summer played through his mind. Pent-up emotion burst from deep inside through a soft cry that only Draco could hear. Falling to his knees, he clutched both hands to his head. The images flashed through his head, bringing unshed tears to his eyes. It was the vision of the body lying on the floor of the Malfoy Manor that brought a cry of anguish from Draco's lips into the silent night. The memory of a cold, sinister laugh breaking the cold quiet of the house Draco had once called home that now brought a chill to his heart.
Would he ever call it home again? Would he ever return to the place where he no longer could bear to reside, with the knowledge that he stood in the abode where such a cruel, cold-blooded slaughter had taken place?
Would he ever be able to look his father in the eyes and call him 'dad' ever again?
The hurt bottled up inside threatened to break loose, but Draco held it back. Even though there was no one here, he would not lower himself to the standard of a normal person. He would hold himself higher. Stronger. And never let anyone ever see him crying. Especially not now.
A single owl swooped through the darkness, breaking through Draco's thoughts. The golden brown wings of the bird were outstretched, and Draco smiled wistfully to himself as he imagined his own spirit in the body of a bird. The freedom. The wonder. The ability to fly away and hide with no worry for his safety from an evil wizard.
The life he'd never have.
With this thought, Draco rose from the floor, rubbing his temple where a slight ache was now irritating him. The chain around his neck glittered as he held the pendant close to his heart. The one remaining memory he had left of before the summer. Everything else in his mind was tainted with a black shadow now. The shadow that crept out in his dreams, reminding him of everything he wanted to forget but knew he never would.
A gentle, cold rush of air swept over him, bringing him back to reality. His watch read three o'clock. He knew that if he did not sleep, he would regret it the next morning. And so he lay on the floor of the Tower, not caring that if he was caught he would lose points for his house, not caring about getting a hundred detentions. The only thing he really cared about was gone, with nothing left but a necklace. A simple chain of gold with a star-shaped pendant was all that remained. Before he settled for the night, he held the pendant up to the moonlight and watched the stardust glitter lightly.
A familiar wave of cold clenched his heart and he dropped the necklace quickly so it dangled out of sight, around his neck. He would not cry. He would never give them that satisfaction.
Alone in the tower was one place he could try to wrench himself out of this miserable dream and back into reality. With all his might, he closed his eyes and clenched his fists. This year at school would not be ruined by those visions.
He would not let himself dwell on the events of the horrific summer. He knew he'd never forget, and he'd never let himself forget. He had to honour the memory. But he would not dwell on it.
And with that thought Draco closed his eyes and was shut off from the world in a troubled land of dreams and sleep.
* * *
The golden sunrise dawned over the castle grounds. Reflections shimmered in the lake's surface, giving a diamond effect to the dewy summer's morning.
A gentle ray of sunlight hit Draco's eyes, rousing him from his uneasy slumber. Rubbing the back of his hand roughly across his eyes, he watched the sun illuminate the morning.
Wrapping his cloak around his shoulders, he descended the stairs of the tower as soundlessly as he could. Such an early start ensured him that no one would catch him roaming the out-of-bounds area of the school.
As he walked, he tucked the necklace down the front of his robes. He hadn't bothered to change since their arrival at the school the night before. The Sorting Ceremony was to take place at breakfast that morning because some of the new students had not yet arrived. Draco always assumed that every student caught the Hogwarts Express and therefore did not understand how they could not have arrived yet, but was not interested enough to pursue the matter further in his thoughts.
As he had presumed, the lack of sleep was even now threatening to consume him. He'd slept only three hours, and knew today, as the first day of school, would include lots of speeches about their N.E.W.T.'s and the seventh year workload. All the lectures were likely to bore him nearly to sleep.
He'd already received the lecture from his father at the beginning of the summer...that had been before the murder. Draco flinched as the thoughts came rushing back. Great. So far, since that awful night, he had not gone one single day without thinking about it. In fact, he'd had trouble going for about an hour without it popping into his head at least once.
Slipping unnoticed into the boy's dormitory, he crept to his bed and covered himself with the sheets. No one need ever know that he had been missing the night before.
Lying there for an hour, Draco found sleep desperately trying to overcome him but would not let it. He knew the other boys would be waking any moment, and if they did, he had to act normally, so no one realized that this year, he was not who he used to be.
Draco breathed deeply and let his breath come rushing out in a sigh. Who was he? Doubting his past was easy because he now mostly knew what were lies and what weren't. Doubting the present was harder because with the past being so shrouded in lies, the present was harder to decipher. But by far, the hardest was having to doubt his future.
He no longer wanted what he'd spent his life waiting for. The Dark Mark, to be forever in the service of one of the greatest wizards of all time, to be following his fathers footsteps. He didn't want any of that anymore.
He wanted something he couldn't have. He wanted to go back in time and erase the summer. He wanted to change it so the events never came to pass. And most of all, he wanted just once more to see the face he'd learnt by heart. The smiles, the laughing, the crying, the innocence...He wanted to see that wonderful face bring it all back.
And it could never happen.
* * *
The Great Hall was starting to fill with students as Draco entered, flagged by Crabbe and Goyle. He'd been right, no one had noticed him not being there the night before. Draco was surprised to find that it hurt, knowing that no one cared enough to notice when he was gone. However, he also felt slightly glad he didn't have to explain where he was or why he'd gone...It would bring back too much over again.
Taking his usual seat in the Hall, he stared at the empty plate before him, not willing to look around at his fellow students. Did anyone know what had happened? Did anyone know what Voldemort had done over the summer? Draco doubted it. Unless Dumbledore knew. Dumbledore always knew when something had happened. It was one of many unnerving things about the man is that he always seemed to be informed of everything.
A loud clinking of metal against glass stirred Draco. He was grateful for the interruption as he didn't much feel like staying within his thoughts much longer and was eager for a distraction.
Dumbledore had made his usual speech the night before at the feast, which meant they were spared the prospect of having to listen to another one. As silence fell across the hall, the doors opened and two long lines of students entered. Led by Professor Snape, Draco observed the majority of young students. They all seemed so tiny and frightened. At the end of the two lines were three other students who were taller and appeared to be older, two girls and one boy.
The line quickly dispersed as the students were placed in their houses by the hat. Draco's attention wavered and the Sorting blurred until it came to the older students.
The boy was called out first. Running a had nervously through his light brown hair, he sat on the stool and clenched his fists as the hat was placed upon his head. Draco rolled his eyes. He watched as the boy was placed in Hufflepuff, and then his eyes were directed to the next girl in line. Her name was called out.
"Winters, Delphine."
The girl walked forward to sit on the chair. Draco couldn't help but think she looked strangely familiar. She had long, straight blonde hair and a slim but attractive figure. Draco caught a glimpse of clear brown eyes staring out at the hall before the hat fell over her head, covering her face.
Crabbe nudged him. "Hey, what a hottie! You reckon?"
Draco was pulled back down to earth. "I guess." Crabbe turned to ask Goyle the same question. Draco watched as the hat seemed to think to itself for ages. He was wondering if the hat was actually ever going to say anything when it suddenly hollered, "Gryffindor!"
Draco closed his eyes briefly. The Gryffindor table. Of course.
He watched the other girl, a brunette, get Sorted. She was sent to their table. Draco reached forward with everyone else to clap her and shake her hand. But he still couldn't help stealing another look at the blonde who was now happily seated next to Hermione Granger.
He shook his head. Something about that girl was uncannily familiar.
"Hey, what's that on your hand, Drake?" asked Goyle thickly, having just taken a huge bite of bacon.
Draco looked down at the scar on the back of his left hand. It was a mark from the summer when he'd tried to stop the murder. He'd lunged for his father and the spell had missed, but grazed the back of his hand. He'd have it forever as a memory of that night.
He looked up at Goyle and shrugged carelessly. "Just a burn from the holidays."
Obviously that was good enough for Goyle because he nodded and grabbed three more pieces of toast to add to the enormous pile of food already on his plate.
"Hey, mate, you gonna eat?" asked Crabbe, looking concernedly at Draco's untouched plate.
Draco looked at the plates piled high with food and swallowed. He'd hardly eaten since that night in the summer. And yet he found that he still was not hungry.
He forced a grin and said, "Yeah, but I pigged out last night, remember?" Of course they wouldn't know that he'd not eaten a thing last night. They'd been so hungry that they hadn't noticed when he'd left the table in the middle of the Feast to find solitude.
He grabbed a piece of toast and said, "Going for a walk. See you in Herbology." Crabbe and Goyle hardly acknowledged him as he left the hall again.
Draco looked back over his shoulder as he slipped out through the Entrance Hall. Sitting on the High Table in the middle with all the other teachers was Dumbledore. And the old man was looking directly at Draco.
Draco knew at once that somehow the wizard knew what had happened. And he felt an unexplainable surge of warmth spread through his heart when Dumbledore reached for his goblet of orange juice and raised it towards him in a single toast.
He left the hall. But even as the quiet peace of the grounds relaxed his soul, he could not help feeling just a little bit glad that he was there, with Dumbledore, instead of at home with his father and Voldemort.
At least here, he was safe.
For now.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Please review! I'll be updating as soon as possible if you pplz like it.