"Ruthie? Wh-whyzit...gettin' so cold?" Ben couldn't stop shivering.
"It is cold, isn't it, sweetie?" Ruthie's voice was soft and soothing. "That's 'cause it's, uh, night. It gets cold at night, but sometimes we're asleep an' don't notice.
"We're tryin' to help you warm up. Gabriel's rubbin' your feet - can you feel that?"
"N-no."
There was a pause. Then Ruthie said, "That's fine. It shows he's doin' a good job, bein' real gentle.
"Can you feel your pa an' me rubbin' your hands?"
"No."
This time she couldn't think of anything to say.
I know I'm supposed to feel it.
Hell, I've known all along I'm gonna die. I'm gettin' to be a burden. I should just let go -
No! He thought of a new reason why he shouldn't. Management is dangerous! I gotta protect my family!
But I ain't doin' them no good now.
"Pa?" he whispered.
"I'm here, Ben. Can you see me?"
"Yeah. Pa...c'n you...help me...hold it in?"
You know what I mean. Can you help me block the damn self-healin'? Gotta hold it in the whole time, an' I'm so tired...
"I'm sorry, son. You have to do it yourself."
That got Ruthie's attention. Ben heard her asking Hack, "What was that about? What were you tellin' him he has to do himself?"
Hack said, "I think he was talking about those fits of coughing. You know what they do to him. He probably imagined I could keep him from coughing. I wish I could!"
Now I'm sayin' dumb things an' makin' Pa lie for me.
"I think you should take a nap, Ben," Hack said gently. "Relax, get a little rest."
His point, Ben knew, was that self-healing couldn't kick in while he was sleeping.
But every time I let myself drift away I'm afraid I won't get back. I don't wanna leave the people I love! Management's dangerous, gotta protect them...
"It's okay to sleep for a while," Hack told him. "I'll be right here holding your hand."
By now Ben didn't have a choice. Sleep, so I won't notice it's cold...
But I was too hot before an' I wanted it to get cold so the Big Shaggy Thing would go away. Where did it go...?
He felt himself slipping backward, into sleep, into the world of dreams.
Whatever I dream about, it can't be no worse than what's happenin' here.
Then a hot wind almost blew him off his feet, Ruthie screamed in terror, and he thought, Oh, shit.
x
x
x
They were caught in a hurricane, being pelted by hail that, impossibly, burned the skin. Gabriel was there too; both Ruthie and Gabriel were clinging to Ben, expecting him to protect them and lead them to shelter. But he didn't have the faintest idea what to do. And when he wanted Hack Scudder in one of his dreams, Scudder wasn't there.
A looming bulk approached them.
Oh God, it's the Big Shaggy Thing.
No, it ain't. This is its bigger, shaggier brother!
Calm down, Ben told himself. I know I'm havin' a dream. All I gotta do is think of openin' my eyes wider, an' it'll be gone.
That trick brought about a change, but not what he expected.
The hurricane-ravaged landscape looked more intimidating than before. The hail was hotter, the approaching behemoth more fierce.
And Ruthie and Gabriel had been transformed into two other people. They were still a woman and a man, still cowering and relying on Ben for protection. But he somehow knew they were a couple, like himself and Ruthie. They were both young, small of build, darker-skinned than he. Not black, but darker than Injuns.
Then, in confusion, he discovered that his own body didn't feel the same. It ain't so much that they're small, I'm taller! And when he looked down at his hands and arms, he realized his skin was the same color as that of his companions.
He had the strange thought, Well, of course. This is the only skin color they've ever seen.
The menacing creature lunged at them. The young couple shrieked. He didn't know what to do -
And the dream changed.
x
x
x
Unfortunately, its new chapter didn't bring Ben any relief. He was still buffeted by a hot wind, only now it was hitting him with dust that threatened to choke him. He was himself again, but he was back in a Dust Bowl that was worse than the reality, digging his mother's grave.
Or is this a grave I'm bein' made to dig for myself?
The bulldozer came at him, and he perceived for the first time that it was really the Big Shaggy Thing. It was about to crush him, it was crushing him...
But then the bulldozer operator was yelling at him and mocking him, and the operator transformed into Lodz. They weren't in Oklahoma; they were in a place that was even worse, a vast, parched desert under a blazing sun.
Once again Ben sensed that he was taller. But he was still standing over a freshly dug grave. A secret grave in the middle of nowhere in which someone - perhaps he himself - would lie forever, lost to his loved ones?
That seemed wrong. Appalling. And yet...Ben had the strange idea it was he, not Lodz, who wanted the site kept secret.
It's a dream. Dreams don't hafta make sense.
Maybe the only part o' this dream that means somethin' is the heat. I can't breathe, I'm gonna die in this damn desert...
He felt a moment's concern at the prospect of not having a proper funeral, prayers led by a minister.
Bad thought. Lodz transformed into the clergyman Ben had seen in other dreams, the one he knew was evil. The man's eyes were solid black, black and glowing, and instead of offering prayers he threw his head back and laughed.
Maybe it's these people I don't want knowin' where the grave is, 'cause they'd desecrate it?
The clergyman could apparently read his thoughts. He brought his laughter under control long enough to look at Ben and call out gleefully, "You're getting warmer!"
x
x
x
"He's burning up again," Hack said dully.
"Yeah, I know." Sighing, Ruthie closed her Bible and laid it aside.
He glanced at it. "Is that giving you any consolation?"
"No. I tried openin' it at random a half-dozen times, hopin' I'd find somethin' that would. But every passage I laid my eyes on was grimmer than the last."
After a moment's hesitation, Hack said, "When I first saw it, I thought you meant to read something 'uplifting' to Ben."
Ruthie shook her head vehemently. "He told me his ma used to read the Bible to him every blessed day, an' he was sick of it."
Besides, she admitted to herself, I don't want him confusin' me with her.
Watching Hack, she thought, If things were different, he'd probably be givin' me hell for havin' seduced his teenage son.
For that matter, if things were different, I'd be pryin' to find out what he's been doin' all these years, an' why his bein' here has to be kept secret.
None of those things matter now.
"You should eat somethin', Hack," she told him kindly. "No one's payin' attention to how much food Gabe picks up for us."
"Thanks, Ruthie, but I'm not hungry."
That's understandable. He must still be in shock at seein' Ben like this. I've been dealin' with it long enough that I realize I need to keep my strength up.
Ben moaned, and she bent to stroke his forehead. He clearly wasn't having a restful sleep; her heart ached for him.
And not only for him. "Do you think he can hear us, Hack?" she asked softly.
"I don't know," Hack said. "I'm not sure how soundly he's sleeping."
And then he said something else - in an altered voice, a strangely different timbre. "Look at me."
Puzzled, Ruthie turned to look. Gazing into her eyes, Hack said in that same odd voice, "Can you hear me? Nod if you can."
That, at least, was what Ruthie heard. His lips had never moved.
Stunned, she slowly nodded.
"I wasn't sure this would work," Hack's voice continued inside her head. "I think I can only do it because we're at close range, and you have an emotional link with Ben.
"I got the impression just now that you wanted to say something to me without his hearing." It was, of course, inconceivable that both of them leave his bedside at the same time. "If that's so, just think it and direct the thought at me as if you were speaking. Don't worry - I won't be able to read any of your other thoughts."
Ruthie swallowed hard. What sort of man is this?
It didn't matter. She looked at him and "told" him what she'd wanted to say. "I refuse to give up on Ben. But I do understand that if God lets him pull through, he won't be like he was. There's been too much damage done.
"If he's never able to work again, never strong enough to make love again, even if he's a bedridden invalid for the rest of his life, my feelings won't change. I'll love him an' take care of him, always.
"I thought it might give you some comfort to hear that. Every parent knows what it's like to worry about a child."
Hack replied, "Thank you for telling me, Ruthie."
The words alone didn't convey much. But his "voice" was shaking, and his eyes had suddenly filled with tears.
x
x
x
Ben was walking in the road near Tipton, trying to get back to Carnivale. Did I walk here from the desert? Can't remember. The road was jammed with cars and people, and he knew they all had the same destination. Crowds were flocking to see him, the healer, put on what he knew would be a phony show.
Someone recognized him, and they mobbed him in the road. He tried to deny who he was. But throngs pressed around him. And then they were crushing him, squeezing the breath out of him...
Serves me right for goin' along with this fraud.
But...I ain't supposed to die here, am I? Gabriel's supposed to be here to rescue me. Where's Gabriel?
This is a dream. He ain't here.
Can I die in a dream?
He was suffocating, and he dimly realized that might be why he was dreaming about a mob crushing him. He still wasn't willing to yield without a fight. So he broke free and ran up a hill -
But when he turned and looked down, the mob had become an army. A mighty force in full battle array, all gazing up at him, brandishing their spears - spears? - and screaming.
My God. What did I do to get a whole army chasin' me?
It ain't real. It's a dream, remember?
This time he tried to end it by closing his eyes.
When he opened them, he was standing on a ledge over the gate of a medieval city. Its streets teemed with people, and they too were looking up at him and screaming.
What do they want? He swayed dizzily. I'm gonna fall, an' they'll tear me to bits...
No. Just hang on, hang on!