hey everyone. here's chapter 5 of Much Ado About Breakfast. I don't know how funny this is. I hope it's enjoyable, I found the whole concept amusing, and that's why I chose to write it this way. It's Averman angst…sort of…but not really…you'll see. it's sort of long, at least for this story, but interesting, at least I think. hit the review button when you're done!
-Kristine
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Chapter 5: Inside the Strip Joint
"Remind me again how we got in here?" asked Averman to Fulton as they walked into the dimly lit room with loud music playing.
"I'm not sure. I think the guy at the door is drunk or stoned or something," said Fulton. "Come on, we have to get Dwayne and Adam through this."
Fulton, Adam, Averman, and Dwayne were sat down at a table in front of a stage with a runway type thing with a few poles.
"I still don't think you needed to bring me in here. Just leave me to myself with some butter for a few hours and I'd be fine!" Adam yowled.
"That's exactly why you're here," muttered Averman.
"Why? Huh? Huh? HUH?" Adam exclaimed.
"Banksie, we love you like a brother, you know that, right?" Fulton asked.
"Yeah."
"This is for your own good. Trust us. Have we ever let you down?" Fulton asked.
"Well, there was that time you got a new player during the Goodwill Games, you turned your backs on me when I first became a Duck, you shunned me after I made Varsity, Charlie tried to hurt me, you nearly got me hanged a few weeks back, you think I'm gay..."Adam counted off his fingers.
"Well, except those two, no, four, no…except for those few times have we ever let you down?"
"Well…"
"Exactly. Trust us, Banksie, trust us!" said Fulton enthusiastically.
"Why am I here?" asked Dwayne.
"Because you're worse off than Adam. You've been deprived of your transition from boy into man if you don't see this, Cowboy!" Averman exclaimed.
"Oh."
Just then, a ginger-haired woman with a small waist, and a huge rack came out to a new song. She was wearing huge high heeled cowboy boots, a short, tight, brown leather skirt, a tight shirt with a vest and a fake sheriff's badge, a mask, a gun belt with fake guns, and a cowboy hat.
"Whoa," Dwayne mumbled.
"She's your kind of girl, Cowboy," Fulton grinned.
"I'm in love," Dwayne joked, dramatically clutching his heart. He and Fulton laughed.
"Ya know, she looks kind of familiar," Averman said to Fulton.
"We've never been here, how could she?" Fulton asked.
"I dunno. I don't know how I could know her. It's just weird, ya know?"
"Yeah, well, let's watch. The sooner she finishes, the sooner Dwayne is a man and we get Banks off the butter," Fulton said.
Dwayne and Fulton watched in fascination as the ginger-haired woman danced, shimmied, gyrated, stripped, and made erotic movements in musical time to a pole.
Averman spent the time trying to figure out where he'd seen the woman before.
Adam merely looked bored.
"That's nothing!" he said, "I could do that! And I'd have syrup to make it more interesting!"
"Yeah, quiet, Banksie, quiet, she's talking now." Fulton said, waving at Adam to shut up.
"Hey y'all! I'm the Lone Stripper! I hope you're having a good time! Anybody new to the club today?"
"Uh, we are," Averman raised his hand and gestured at the four Ducks.
"Well then, kind sir-LESTER? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!?" The fake southern, cowgirl type accent was gone now.
Averman looked terrified. "Mom?"
"Yes! It's me! Why are you here!?"
"Good news, Fulton," Averman said, "I know where I've seen her before."
"Dude, that's your mom!?" Fulton asked, looking horrified.
"Yes...oh man," moaned Averman. "I feel sooo dirty…"
"Oh shit," mumbled Fulton. "Dwayne, Banksie, time to go."
"What are you doing here, young man!?" Mrs. Averman demanded of her son.
"That's not important. What are you doing here!?"
"I'm dancing!"
"What!? Why!? Does Dad know about this!?"
"Yes."
"What!?" Averman screamed.
"Well, we were a little short on cash, and your father and I thought it would be a good idea-"
"To have her son bring his friends to get off looking at his mom!?" Averman howled.
"No! You weren't supposed to know! This was just to earn some extra cash so we could get that extra television you wanted for Christmas!"
"This is how you choose to earn money!?"
"It's not just me. Your father dances, too, on Ladies' Night," Mrs. Averman said.
This was too much for Averman, who now looked like he was going to cry.
"Averman," Fulton said, grabbing his shoulder, "maybe we'd better get going."
"NO!" Mrs. Averman shouted, "You're going to tell me what you're doing here at an '18 and Over' club, Lester Averman, or you're grounded for the rest of your life!"
"Well," Averman finds his voice again, "our intentions were to help Dwayne become a man and get poor Banksie over a fetish, but none of that happened, and instead I'm scarred for life!" Averman shouted at his mom. "Do you think a guy has any desire to see what his mom covers up under those big shirts she wears to the beach!?"
"We're just doing it to get you your television! It's not like I sleep with the people who come in here-!"
"Mom! I don't want to hear anymore! And don't use the money on the television! Spend it on the therapy sessions I'm going to need! This is emotionally damaging! And put your clothes back on!"
"Les, child, I'm going to keep dancing. I enjoy this, as does your father. I'm sorry you had to be exposed to this with no warning, but-"
"Mom, I don't care. What you and Dad do in your spare time..." he shuddered. "Let's just never, ever, ever, bring this up again? Ok?"
"Ok. Where are you kids going now?"
"Well, we were going to do this then rejoin the others outside and go for breakfast, but I've kind of lost my appetite." Averman muttered.
"I haven't!" Adam cheered, doing his best to jump up and down with his legs still crossed.
"Good for you, Butter Boy," Averman shot at Adam.
"Les, play nice with your friends. No name calling," his mother scolded.
"But…I...fine…I don't...! ARGH! NEVERMIND! Goodbye Mom!" Averman said.
"Have a nice day, honey," she called as Averman and his friends walked toward the door.
"Have a nice day? Have a nice day!?" Averman exclaimed! "I'm marked for life cause I've seen my mom's hooters, and she wants me to have a nice day! I think I'm going to go and slash my wrists…"
As they reached the door, a new song came on and Averman's mom started to dance for the few people in the club at such an early hour. Averman made a gurgling noise in his throat, but didn't say anything. Then, he pushed the door open and he, Fulton, Dwayne, and Adam walked by the stoned or drunk doorman, and back into the sunlight.
"I'm really, really sorry, dude," Fulton said to Averman.
"It's ok, it wasn't your fault, you didn't know..." Averman said.
Even Dwayne seemed to understand what had happened and was rather depressed over it. The only spirits that weren't dampened were Adam's.
"Maple syrup here I come!" he sang.
"I hate you, Banksie, go die," Averman said.
"What?"
"I've just been through a traumatic event and you're still screaming about butter!"
"Not butter! Maple syrup!" Adam exclaimed.
Averman was held back by Fulton and Dwayne, or else the Ducks' best player would no longer have been among the living, Averman would be in a prison some place where a smelly bald guy named Bubba would choose him for his girlfriend, and there would have been a lot of blood on the sidewalk. It wasn't so much that they'd miss Adam and would worry about Averman in prison, it was more that Dwayne and Fulton didn't feel like cleaning up blood, as they'd been through enough already.
"What's going on?" Goldberg asked as the non-emotionally scarred Ducks came from across the street.
"We're trying to keep Averman from killing Banks," Fulton said, hanging on to Averman's shirt.
"Yeah, why?" Charlie asked, carrying Potch in his arms.
At the sight of Potch, Averman's sane state of insanity came back, and he immediately went to see the kangaroo. "Potch! Hi! Were you a good boy for Charlie?"
"He was great, no problems," Charlie said.
"So what happened, guys, how was it?" Russ asked.
"It was…um…" Dwayne couldn't even find the words to describe the complete horror of the whole situation.
"Well," Fulton said, "Next time we go to a strip joint, we're not going into a local one. You never know who'll you'll find in there."
"Who'd you find?" Portman asked.
"Averman's mom," Dwayne said, looking sad.
"Why would Averman's mom be inside a...?" Connie started, but her eyes went wide, "OH!"
"I know. Isn't it life altering?" Averman asked gloomily.
"Yes," Julie said, "Averman, I'm so sorry!"
"You're mom must have it going on," Luis said.
Guy elbowed Luis hard in the stomach. "Can't you see he's upset?"
"Hey, this isn't even me being horny! In order to be in a strip club, you hafta be hot!" Luis exclaimed.
"Your mom works in a strip club?" Kenny asked, totally bewildered and upset.
"And his dad!" Adam yelled. Everyone turned to look at Banksie.
"Cake Eater, I'll kill you if you say that again…"Averman warned.
But it was too late. The damage was done.
"Your dad works there too!?" Portman asked excitedly.
"On Ladies' Night," Adam provided.
"Your lucky Potch is too young to see blood, or I'd kill you," Averman said to Banks.
"Come on, tell us what happened in there!"
Banksie grinned, then said, "Could we get going? I'm getting hungry…and horny."
"Averman's mom made you hot?" Portman asked hopefully.
"No, but I just had a vision of maple syrup, and this pancake, and this spoon-" Adam started.
"DUDE! STOP! I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!" Portman yelled.
Everyone was careful to walk a safe distance from Adam as they continued journeying toward IHOP.
"So tell us, Averman, exactly what happened in there," Julie said, grinning.
And so Averman, with help from Fulton, began to recount his nightmare of how he was trying to bring Dwayne from childhood to manhood, and how he was trying to help Adam get over his fetish, and how he accidentally found out his mom and dad are exotic dancers on the side of their real lives.
When he finished, everyone had a pained expression on their faces. Even Adam wasn't his usual excited self.
"Wow, Averman, I'm so sorry," Guy said, putting a hand on his shoulder.
"Yeah, buddy, that's rough," Goldberg agreed.
"I'm going to be in therapy for a long time. I'm traumatized," Averman told his friends.
While everyone was giving Averman his well-deserved condolences, Charlie slipped away from them and went to talk to Dwayne.
"Sorry your first trip to the strip club was such a disaster, Dwayne," Charlie apologized.
"It's ok, I'm not telling my parents about it, and I've learned something from all this," Dwayne said.
"Really?" Charlie asked, hardly daring to believe it, "What have you learned?"
"That exotic dancing really shouldn't be a family affair," Dwayne said.
Charlie sighed, but he had to agree.
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quick story note: this chapter wasn't originally like this. I originally had another plot line in which Adam did his dance here, but I changed it, cause I decided I wanted it to be with all the Ducks, and in a place with lots of little children around to cry in fear. *evil grin* so I changed it. It was partly inspired by that song 'Stacy's Mom' by Fountains of Wayne. it's not really all that interesting, but I thought you ought to know. I dunno how funny this chapter is, because this chapter, like the last, is not based on something that happened to me, so review and let me know how it is! chapter 6 up soon…I hope. -Kristine
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Cimmy: can't you just see her face though? Yeah, you mixed up your universes. Too bad, though, you're probably right, he's probably a spectacular jerk in real life…Charlie does get laid, it just depends one what story you're reading! Haha, thanks for being a good friend and inspiration. Cheers!
percussion: glad you found it funny, I hope this chapter didn't disappoint you!
Flat*Out*Crazy: haha, his family will never know, as this was a traumatizing event…well, more for Averman than Dwayne, but yeah…
Cake Eater (Quimby): I'm sorry, but no harm was done to Potch in this chapter. maybe next chapter though…who knows? Adam's not too bad in this chapter, but that could change next chapter too…I liked how Portman could do that too, I just see him as doing it, and Adam, well…the question of Adam's sexuality continues…poor Dwayne, his first strip club visit ruined by Averman's mom…yes, Kenny was denied the strip club, I didn't think he could handle it…lol talk to you again, I hope this chapter wasn't disappointing!
plainjane: Walt is probably bargaining with God to send my soul to hell for this…oh well, what are ya gonna do? ya can't please everyone…and don't worry about the people staring at you! I don't! whenever I laugh out loud at stories and people think I'm crazy, I see it as an added bonus. I hope you liked this chapter!
WeBuiltThisCityOnRockAndRoll (Chelsea): glad you liked the last chapter, I hope you liked this one. Adam is so nuts, and Potch…well, I'm not sure what he's gonna do yet, but it's gonna be done! Portman's the man. I like him with Julie. It's Adam and Julie I hate. I hope that pairing falls out of the universe forever. I gotta see Newsies, I know. I'm dying to see it! Matt Damon and Ben Affleck I like, it's J Lo who I hope falls off the planet. I hate her! She's so fake! I live in New York, and let me tell you, if she were still 'Jenny from the Block' she wouldn't need those bodyguards. I hope you enjoy It's Summer In My Heart. Cimmy and I really worked hard on it, but either way, I hope that you like this chapter in this story!
Bella7: Wow, "thinking" about a group trip with friends to go buy porn. You badasses! *winks* haha, that must have fun…but now you wouldn't even hafta buy the porn, you could just download it off the internet! Glad you like Potch, hope you liked this chapter!
CakeEater'sgirly99: glad you like the story, I hope you liked this chapter. And yes, Guy definitely made a good catch!