hey everyone. I wrote this chapter, because for whatever reason, I had to throw in something about an angry weasel. I don't know if it's funny or not, cause it's not based on real life, it's just some random idea I had that I had to put into words. it should be fun, though, cause I torture Charlie some. read and review, let me know how it is!
quick story notes: I don't actually know if there are any weasels in Minnesota, or how they act when they're rabid, or if they sleep, or anything about weasels except what they eat because I looked it up…so if you're looking for accurate information about weasels, this is not exactly what you'd call a 'reliable source'. enjoy the chapter anyway!
Cheers!
Kristine
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Chapter 6: The Angry Weasel
The Ducks decided to cut through the park, as it would be shorter than walking around the park.
"What kind of animals are in this park, anyway?" Dwayne asked.
"What kind of question is that?" Russ asked.
"It's just a question," Dwayne explained.
"No, I meant, why are you asking that question," Russ said.
"Oh. I like animals," Dwayne answered.
"There are the regular animals, I guess," Fulton said. "I never really gave it much thought. I bet there are birds, squirrels, chipmunks, deer, and ducks."
"I like ducks," Kenny commented.
"No kidding? You like ducks? Why?" Julie joked.
"Are there any foxes?" Connie asked. "I like foxes."
"Why wouldn't there be? I mean, it's a big park," said Portman.
"Why do you like foxes, Connie?" Adam asked.
"They're cute," Connie said.
"You know who's cute?" Adam asked. "I think that Ch-"
"YOU THINK CHARLIE'S CUTE!? LET'S ALL POINT AND LAUGH AT ADAM! HAHAHAHA!" Portman roared, and Charlie visibly paled.
"You big, stupid, asshole, I do not think Charlie is cute. I think Christina Applegate is cute," Adam defended himself.
"Riiight," Portman rolled his eyes.
"I'm horny. I'm not gay!" Adam exclaimed.
"Ok, both ways, Banks, we all know way too much about you, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't speak for the remainder of this trip!" Goldberg said.
"Uh, back to animals?" Dwayne said.
"You think there are any weasels?" Luis asked.
"Why weasels?" Connie asked.
"My old hockey team was called the Weasels."
"The Weasels?" Guy asked, confused.
"Yeah. Stupid, but we were all small and fast, like weasels," Luis explained.
"Cool…hey, don't weasels eat like…birds and stuff?" Guy asked, now looking excited.
"Do they eat people or kangaroos?" Averman asked, hugging Potch tightly.
"Um, probably not," Charlie rolled his eyes.
"Yes, sometimes they eat birds. No, they don't typically eat people or kangaroos," Luis explained to Averman.
"Oh good," Averman sighed, loosening his grip on Potch a little.
"Where could we find a weasel?" Portman asked.
"Well, they're mostly nocturnal...which means they come out at night," Luis added hastily, seeing the look on Dwayne's face when he'd said 'nocturnal'.
"Can we wait here until nightfall? I want to see a weasel!" whined Portman.
"I'm hungry!" Guy whined.
"Am I allowed to speak now?" Adam asked Goldberg.
Goldberg sighed, "If you must."
"Are weasels long, fury, and look kind of like ferrets?" Adam asked Luis.
"Yes. Why?"
"I think I see one," Adam said.
"Where!? Where!?" Portman jumped up and down.
"Cut it out!" Fulton ordered.
"Yes, daddy," Portman said, looking sulky.
"There," Adam pointed. Sure enough, there was a weasel.
"Interesting," Guy mumbled, stroking his…Connie.
"Guy, stop stroking me!" Connie shrieked.
"What? Oh sorry, deep in thought, my bad," Guy said.
"Cool weasel. Where'd it come from?" Goldberg asked.
"Who knows?" asked Russ.
"Hey, Luis, do you think if it's a girl weasel it will fall in love with Potch?" Averman asked.
"I doubt it, somehow," Luis said.
"Really? Why?"
"Weasels generally mate with other weasels, not stuffed kangaroos," Luis explained to Averman.
"Even if the weasel is a girl and Potch is a guy?" Averman asked.
"Even then," Luis said.
"Are you sure?" Averman asked.
While that conversation continued, Charlie made an announcement to the rest of the Ducks. "I'm gonna go touch it," Charlie decided.
"Ewww, Charlie, why? It could be dirty…"Julie said.
"Because," was Charlie's answer, heading toward the weasel.
"Because why?" Julie yelled after him.
Luis, resident weasel-expert, who had been trying desperately to explain to Averman that even if the weasel was female chances were good it would not fall in love with a male stuffed kangaroo, saw Charlie walking toward it and yelled, "No! Charlie, don't! They don't come out in the daytime! It could be rabid!"
"Oooh, pretty weasel," Charlie mumbled, ignoring Luis, and sounding much like a six year old.
The weasel just looked at Charlie, obviously thinking, in weasel language, what the hell is this idiot doing? Doesn't he know that you don't come near wild, possibly rabid animals?
With his friends shrieking for him to cut it out and leave the weasel alone, Charlie got to within four feet of the weasel. Then, it happened.
The weasel went psycho, snapping at Charlie with its bird-eating weasel jaws. Charlie was snapped out of his obsessed weasel touching trance, and backed away. But the weasel started forward, and before anybody knew what happened, the weasel was chasing Charlie all over the park, Charlie hollering all the while about how he was going to be killed by a crazy weasel.
The weasel finally chased Charlie up a tree. "SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING! LUIS! PORTMAN! AVERMAN! BANKS! ANYBODY!" Charlie was yelling at his friends.
The weasel kept Charlie up there a good ten minutes. The rest of the Ducks, like when Charlie was being beaten by the old man, found it funny that he was being attacked by a rabid weasel and laughed a whole lot before Averman, clutching Potch and catching his breath, said "Don't worry Charlie, we'll save you."
"Averman, I told you, it probably won't work…" Luis started, realizing what Averman was going to do.
"Well, it's worth a try," Averman shrugged.
Averman walked over to the tree, and got down close to the weasel. The weasel looked like it was about to turn its crazy behavior on Averman, but Averman put Potch down on the grass. The effect was instantaneous. The weasel stopped acting rabid. It calmed down so much that Charlie could climb out of the tree and slip away unnoticed. Averman let Potch sit on the grass until the weasel fell asleep. Then he picked the weasel up and carried it over to some grass and rocks and put it down there. Then he picked up Potch and rejoined his friends.
"Wow, Averman, that was amazing, dude," Portman said.
"I agree. Incredible act of bravery by you and Potch," Kenny said.
"Very cool, taking on a rabid weasel to save your friend," Russ said.
"I don't think the weasel was rabid. It was just angry and needed some love," Averman said.
"Well, I guess you were right, sorry I doubted you, buddy," Luis apologized.
"Don't worry about it," Averman said, "it happens."
"Stupid weasel…" Charlie mumbled from the back of the group.
"I think it was more a case of 'stupid Charlie' than 'stupid weasel'," Fulton said, rolling his eyes.
"Yes, and I think you owe Potch a thank-you," said Connie.
"What?" Charlie sounded astounded. "Why?"
"Because he just saved your weasel fearing ass," Goldberg said.
"Yeah!" Adam agreed. "I would have, but I'd have needed some butter to-"
"Have I given you permission to speak!?" Goldberg roared at Adam.
Adam shook his head no, and just stood with his legs crossed.
"Well, Charlie, say thank you to Potch so we can get going," Goldberg turned back to Charlie. Charlie didn't move.
"Come on, hurry up, Charlie, I'm hungry," Guy said, and a lot of the others nodded agreement.
Charlie knew better than to argue. "Thanks, Potch," he said, patting the kangaroo on the head.
"Wonderful. Let's be on our way then," Averman grinned. "All this saving the day! Potch must be hungry!"
"We're all hungry too," Dwayne pointed out.
"True, Cowboy, but Potch especially, because of all the work he's done this morning," Averman said.
"Yeah, I think you're right," Dwayne agreed.
"IHOP, here we come," said Fulton.
"Hey, what would you all think if I-"
"QUIET BANKS!" the rest of the team yelled.
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WeBuiltThisCityOnRockAndRoll (Chelsea): I officially don't know how to respond. Except that I, too, despise J Lo! JOHNNY DEPP IS THE MAN!!!! YEAH BABY!!! Kiefer Sutherland is the man too! Do you watch 24? He kicks ass in that series! And I like Kevin Bacon. Apollo13! WOO!
percussion: glad you loved it, I hope you love this too!
Bella7: quite interesting. I'm not even going to comment on the porn thing because I just…don't know what to say. THERE ARE NO WORDS! lol. Hope the driving goes well, I'm learning soon too!
Cimmy: you officially get the award for Longest Most Pointless Random Review! Holla! lol. It's a good thing, though, so don't feel bad! good friend, good inspiration. thanks! talk to you soon!
Cake Eater (Quimby): you're so right about the Guy's mom thing! it is kind of like that! I didn't torture Averman this chapter, he's definitely suffered enough now that he knows his mom and dad are…different than he imagined. lol. I tortured Charlie some, Adam hasn't humped his leg yet, but we may get to that point. Your review partially inspired this chapter where Portman assumes Adam's gay…so thanks for being inspiring! hope you like it!
Flat*Out*Crazy: haha, it was kinda sick, wasn't it? Averman will not sleep well tonight! I hope you liked this chapter. No Averman torture, but some Charlie torture, which is always fun!