Chapter Four: All Change

Summary: This chapter leads us right up to what you see actually happen during Ouroborus, and finishing about in the middle of that episode. I've been told you need tissues for the end part… (that's in the expert view of my siblings, none of whom actually watch Andromeda, but there you go.)

Disclaimer: Come on, you know this stuff. If I owned Andromeda, do you really think I'd be sitting posting this stuff instead of getting it filmed? Oh yeah, and the song, 'in the shadows' belongs to The Rasmus (very cool band, by the way ;).

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No sleep,

No sleep until I'm done with finding the answer,

Wont stop,

Wont stop before I find the cure for this cancer,

Sometimes I feel like going down,

I'm so disconnected,

Somehow I know that I am haunted,

To be wanted,

Lately, I've been walking,

Walking in circles,

Watching, waiting for something,

Feel me, touch me, heal me,

Come take me higher.

 

I've been watching,

I've been waiting,

In the shadows,

For my time,

I've been searching,

I've been living,

For tomorrows,

All my life. – The Rasmus 'In the Shadows'

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Trance heard another shriek and ran, ducked a blow from another Kalderan as it dropped off a stack of crates, and delivered it a sharp crack to the back of it's skull with the butt of her rifle. It crumpled with a nasty sounding gurgle.

"Trance!"

Trance swung round to see Beka running towards her with a small screaming child under her arm.

"A little help here!" Beka dumped the child in front of Trance. "She just turned up in front of me."

Trance raised her eyebrows. "Well I don't know what to do with her."

"We can't just leave her here." Beka looked at the girl. She was perhaps four or five years old, with wild red hair in two tiny pony tails. "But is she little-girl-past or little-girl-future?"

The girl screamed louder, right as a Kalderan ran across their path. Trance took it out with one well aimed shot. "Well, she's useful."

Beka looked at the child helplessly. "But what can we do with her? I mean… if she's someone from the past, if she dies somebody isn't gonna get born. If she's from the future…"

"Bad things will happen." Trance agreed. "Okay, I'll go ahead, you take little-girl-lost and follow me."

"Me?!" Beka called after Trance, who was already departing. "Why do I get landed with the baby?!"

A flash of inspiration struck Trance and the sudden ultimate relief of getting her future vision back. "Because she's your daughter! Now hurry up!"

"What?!" Beka picked up the girl again and raced after her friend. "I wasn't planning on having any kids!"

"You're not!" Trance called back over her shoulder. "But she is!"

"You mean my past self?" Beka asked, pausing to empty a blaster bolt into another Kalderan. "How does that work?"

"It means the future's changing!" Trance spun, ducked a Kalderan and killed it, something close to triumph in her voice. "We're no longer effecting future outcomes!"

"That's good, right?" Beka asked, raising an eyebrow.

Trance shrugged. "I don't know. But anything's better than what we came from, right?"

Beka stopped, lifted the child on top of a crate to bring her to eye level. "I guess… hey, she's… kinda cute."

The girl put her thumb in her mouth and stared at Beka with huge, tear stained blue eyes, then said, through it, "I ain't cute."
Beka's lips twitched. "Oh yeah, she's a Valentine."

Trance came back to stand beside Beka. "Beka, this is no time to get sentimental. We have to keep moving."

"I'm coming," Beka lifted the child up again, "come on, kid, let's get you somewhere safe."

Trance jogged ahead of them. She was starting to get her future-vision back again, but it was blurry and fuzzy. The mass of twisted tangling futures was even more confusing than when she had lost it, but at least it was there. The Kalderans' shrieking was all around, as was the sound of blaster fire. Apparently they were not the only people trying to fight their way through the fray.

"Trance!" Beka suddenly called her name again, and she spun round to see Beka pointing with her free arm. "Purple and sparkly, three-o-clock!"

Trance's heart leapt, and she ran back.

There, staring in slack jawed amazement at them from between two crates, was a very young version of herself, in hot pants and a halter top. Trance looked her over, then shook her head.

"She's got a tail. Too early."

Beka rolled her eyes. "Picky, picky."

"I have to get this right, Beka." Trance reminded her, "if I don't… who knows what could happen."

"Yeah, yeah, alright." Beak sighed. She shifted the little girl from her real arm to her metal one and waved a hand at the purple Trance. "Alright, Trance, disappear."

The younger Trance opened and closed her mouth twice, then gathered herself, blinking curiously at her older self. "You're me."
Trance rolled her eyes. "What a brilliant observation. Now, get back to your time before it gets really screwed up."

Younger Trance looked around her. "How?"

"Oh… just… feel your way." Trance waved a hand dismissively, then added, as the younger Trance was about to depart, "and don't tell anyone about this. We never met, this isn't happening, got it?"

"Forgetting!" Younger Trance called over her shoulder, skipping off round the crates.

Beka raised her eyebrows. "I forgot how… chipper you were."

Trance shrugged nonchalantly, but inside, the sight of her younger self had disturbed her. She too had forgotten what she had been like at that age. And it wasn't really that long ago, especially by her standards.

All this time, Trance had measured the devastating losses all around her, but she had never once taken into account the costs to herself. It had never occurred to her that she had changed.

How much had she lost?

Distracting herself, Trance turned away. "Come. We have to-"

"Keep moving." Beka smirked. "I know."

"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming," the little girl mumbled to herself, half singing.

Beka quirked an eyebrow at her. "Who taught you that?"
The girl began chewing her thumb again. "Daddy."

"Daddy, huh?" Beka asked, "tell me, who is your daddy?"

"Beka!" Trance held up a warning hand, "don't! That's very dangerous information!"

Beka sighed. "Alright, whatever. Come on. I'd like to find the right Trance while I'm still breathing, thanks."

There was another blue flash, and suddenly Beka's mother was in front of them again, shock dawning on her features.

"Oh great, not again!" Beka moaned.

"You two again!" The woman drew her blaster.

Beak sighed. "Not now, mom! Here," she marched up to the woman and dumped the little girl in her arms, "take your granddaughter and catch the next teseract out of here, alright?"

The girl, apparently happier to have a guardian who was not more metal than flesh, wrapped her arms around Beka's mother's neck, then waved goodbye to Beka and Trance as they hurried away.

Beka looked back at her, then, face softening, waved back, before rounding a corner and disappearing from sight.

Another shriek, this one very close by, and the sounds of Kalderans filled the air again.

"She's close by!" Trance cried, over the noise.

"Right," Beka agreed.

"You go that way," Trance waved in the direction of the sound of blaster fire, "I'll go this way," she pointed towards where three more Kalderans had just appeared. "And Beka?"

"Yeah?"

"It was an honour knowing you." Trance offered her friend her hand.

Beka's lips twitched, and she took the hand proffered to her. "You too, Trance."

With that they parted ways, never to see one another again.

Beka shouldered her gauze rifle at the sound of blaster fire and more Kalderans, and ran, diving out from between two huge crates just in time to shoot a Kalderan in the back, effectively saving her own life.

Their, spinning round in surprise, was a young, fully intact version of herself. Cautiously, the older Beka approached, as the younger one slowly did the same. Over the body of the Kalderan older Beka had just killed, they contemplated each other silently, for several seconds.

Beka had forgotten what it was like to use her face to express emotion. The only emotions she was used to expressing were sarcasm and anger. Anything other than that had not found it's way onto her features in a long time. Seeing herself so obviously in shock was somewhat disturbing.

"Uh… thanks." The younger Beka said, slowly.

The older Beka's lips twitched into something close to a smirk. "Don't mention it."
Another long silence. What were you supposed to say to a younger, prettier, happier version of yourself? Beka could think of a hundred things, warnings mostly, about staying away from the Engine of Creation, not trusting Neiztchen mercenaries, not taking the Maru on that fateful flight that led to the destruction of the wrest of the crew…

But somehow, none of it came out. It was too little, too late, and there was no time. Changing history was Trance's role in life, not hers.

"You're uh… you're me…" The younger Beka managed, slowly.

"Beka, help!"

That was definitely a young Trance, and older Beka reckoned, when taking the hair and clothing  of this younger Beka into account, that this Trance should be just about right. "I can't get into this right now." She told her younger self, honestly. You'll find out, though. "Later."

And with that, she turned and walked away, leaving her younger gaping at her departing back.

Jogging in the direction of the yell for help, the older Beka leapt down a ladder and found herself face to face with another purple Trance, this time without a tail.

"Perfect," she muttered.

The younger Trance yelped and jumped backwards in alarm, then blinked. "Beka?"

Beka held up a hand. "Don't move!" She raced off again. "Trance! Trance, I think I found her!"

Trance heard her friend's shout, and managed a grim, inward smile. This should have been the easiest part, except for the fact that she was now going at it toe for toe with about four Kalderans.

Dropping her rifle, she leapt up onto the railings of the tiny metal walkway she had chased one of the Kalderans into and drew one of her scythes. One of the hard lessons she had learnt while it was just her and Beka was never to go anywhere without first tucking a trusty pair of knives into her ankle sheaths, and a force lance into her belt.

Despatching the first Kalderan with a swift jab and hefty kick, she ducked a fist from the other and drove her scythe up under it's shoulder. The alien shrieked in pain, but Trance twisted the blade hard and it slumped away from her. Another Kalderan jumped down the ladder from above her, but she spun and struck it before even fully realising it was there.

Her future vision was back, and getting clearer all the time. The feed back from the teseracts was lessening, making things easier to see, and that made her a deadly enemy.

A swift, wrenching stab to the neck of another Kalderan and it's head toppled one way, it's body going the other. Trance wasted no time being disgusted but leapt up and launched herself over backwards, dropping her scythe, landing on the metal walkway and drawing her force lance, blasting the Kalderan that had been attempting to sneak up on her in the back.

Interpreting her future vision, especially when it was chattering away like it was at the moment, could sometimes be tricky, but the adrenalin crashing through her body was already telling her what to do, with no time to be surprised to see her younger self and another Beka standing behind her.

Hoping they were smart enough to duck, she levelled her force lance. "Behind you!"

The Kalderan that had been about to shoot Beka in the back shrieked in pain and crumpled to the floor.

The younger Trance's mouth was open, but Trance could already see her younger version's mind working, future vision going into over time, calculating odds, possibilities, understanding dawning swiftly on the young face.

Beka was attempting to grasp the situation, and failing miserably.

"Trance?" She demanded, after several second's pause.

Trance let one side of her mouth quirk upwards slightly. "Beka. Forgot how beautiful you were."

The younger Trance seemed galvanised into action. Her future-vision was blurring and merging, which meant only one thing. This had to be sorted out, and fast, or a lot of things could go very badly wrong. Without hesitation she marched up to her older self.

"You're me… from the future." She blinked slightly, still calculating.

Older Trance nodded, "more or less."
The younger Trance shifted slightly. "Did everything turn out… the way it was supposed to?" It was a rhetorical question. They both knew that if it had, this wouldn't have been happening.

"No," Trance shook her head, "things are bad, and they're getting worse. I made a lot of mistakes."
Younger Trance bit her lip. "So are we going to loose?"

Trance felt herself flinch slightly. She remembered, if only vaguely now, how it had been at that age. So full of hope, so many possible futures, so many things that could happen, so many options left open. Everything had seemed so free. Sure, things had gotten kinda dark at times, and you still had to be careful about some decisions, but there had always been plenty of possible futures where things could turn out okay… it had been like a game. A huge, universal game, and sure you knew one day you were either going to win or loose, and you didn't really want to loose, but you weren't too bothered if you did because it was a long way away and things wouldn't turn out that bad, right?

Oh, how could she have been so naive?

"At best," she told the other Trance, "we are not going to win."

She reached across and touched the other's Trance's shoulder. "You know what we have to do."
The younger Trance nodded, but she still looked reluctant. "Is it the only way?"

Trance sighed. "There is one perfect possible future, but I have not seen it yet."

Here, Beka, who was still trying and failing miserably to grasp the situation, cut in before things to get totally off the weird-ness scale.

"Hey, could I get a translation, please?"

Inwardly, Trance felt a twinge of guilt. Where did all this leave her Beka?

"Beka, I have to go," the young Trance attempted to explain, "but don't worry, I'm not really leaving I'm just… changing. Everything will be okay, you'll see."

Trance resisted the urge to scream at her younger self not to bother, that this Beka would never understand, that it had taken the woman one eye, an arm, a leg, three internal organs and a decapitation before she had even begun to grasp the enormity of what Trance was, of what the universe was, and of how this all worked.

But she didn't.

She was about to rob this Beka of her best friend. Her younger self had a right to a last speech.

Young Trance took one last look at her older self. Gently, Trance nodded at her.

With that, the younger Trance turned and walked away, a teseract springing to life around her, swallowing the girl up, and baring her away, never to be seen again.

Beka blinked and frowned. She could already feel he beginnings of a major migraine coming on. "Where… where'd she go?"

Trance spun round. Okay, now for the really hard part, Trance, she told herself, you thought navigating a teseract field and fighting an army of Kalderans was bad? Try getting the old crew to except you.

"She didn't go anywhere," she told Beka, as calmly as she could, "she grew up. She's me."

She blinked a few times. Future vision was clearing up pretty quick. The Teseracts were getting fewer, and farther between, but they were also getting more powerful. While this effectively reinstated her future-sight, it also meant that they were running out of time.

"I want an explanation!" Beka followed Trance out of the walkway back towards the inner Maru.

"You wouldn't understand!" Trance replied.

Beka's hand latched onto her arm, yanking her round. It would have hurt, if Trance's tolerance for pain had not been so high that nothing short of shoving a nano-welder down her throat would have gotten to her.

"Trance!" Trance recognised that look in her friend's eyes. Anger, confusion, upset… Trance desperately struggled against her sudden distain for this Beka, so far below her, physically, mentally, genetically, intellectually… her Beka had become her equal, her truest, dearest friend, a sister and a comrade. Her Beka had understood, at least partially, something of what was going on, of the big picture. Her Beka…

Her Beka nothing. This was Trance's Beka now, whether she liked it or not. And this Beka might someday become that friend. But if she wasn't careful, this Beka would also become that living shell of a woman that the old Beka was, that cyborg-woman who had wrapped herself in metal to protect herself from the pain.

So, shoving aside her loyalties, Trance attempted an unbiased view point.

"Tell me what the hell just happened or I will drop you off at the next rock we find and leave you there!" Beka was vehement, angry…

Really, Trance knew she should understand. She did. But they were running out of time and she had gone far too long without meditation, sleep or coffee. Temper fast fraying, Trance struggled for an explanation that might at least temporarily sate the younger Beka.

"Beka, if I tell you everything… it would be very dangerous. For me, for you, for everyone." Trance tried desperately to get her temper under control. What could she say that wouldn't lead to her screaming, but would shut Beka up? "But please believe me, this is a watershed event in space and time, and if we don't handle this crisis exactly right, thing's are going to go very badly for us."

"Right," Beka was still attempting to understand, "so that's why you changed places with your other self? To make things go right?"

Trance shrugged. "Well I can't make things go right, not exactly, but I do know how they can go wrong because I've been there. And believe me, you do not want to live that future, no one does!"

"This is crazy!" Beka promptly gave up trying to understand, "I thought the past was immovable, that it can't be changed!"

"It can't," Trance was desperately simplifying at the speed of light. Trying to chop temporal mechanics into nice, chewable, bite sized peaces in less than thirty seconds was not an easy task, especially when trying to force them down the throat of someone who had not yet made up their mind whether or not to shoot you or just eject you out of the nearest air lock, "but this is not the past, this is the present, and I can fix it."

Beka frowned. "You can see probabilities right? Glimpses into the future?"

"Sometimes." Trance agreed.

"Good," Beka nodded, "then you know what will happen if I find out you're lying to me!"

Trance didn't need her future vision to work that one out, but only nodded an acknowledgement.

****

The older Beka Valentine ducked a blaster bolt from a Kalderan and struck it across the head with her rifle before shooting it in the chest. Spinning, she shot another, ducked, shot another, dived for cover, shot at another and then…

A terrific pain exploded across her chest and she crumpled, falling flat on her back, gasping for breath. Blinking her remaining eye, she struggled to determine what had happened. Reaching up with her good hand, she experimentally touched the place from which the pain was emanating, just above her midriff.

Something sticky rubbed off on her fingers, and she frowned. Blood. She could feel it, warm and sickly smelling, and taste it in her mouth. She'd been hit, got by a Kalderan rifle blast.

Frowning, she struggled to comprehend the fact that she was dieing, but her brain refused to acknowledge it. Instead, she found herself suddenly wondering about the little girl whom Trance had called her daughter. Who was the child's father, anyway? And Beka's mother, so much younger, looking like her, but with both eyes and all four limbs. What had her mother been like? And why had she just disappeared on them? Not once even tried to get in contact.

Her father had disappeared, too. Gotten himself drugged up, killed himself slowly… and Rafe, he'd abandoned her… and Uncle Sid… everybody who meant anything to her had left her… Dylan had died… and Rommie had died…and Tyr had died… even Harper had died, eaten out by magog… poor little Harper… like a brother… he hadn't disserved that… such a horrible end…and now Trance was gone too… off to save reality without her.

And it was just her, Beka, alone, on her back, on the cold unfeeling metal floor of the Eureka Maru, the life slowly draining from her. Here she had been born, and here she would die… in the Maru, the only one who had never left her.

But perhaps… perhaps there was hope. After all, she wasn't really dieing… was she? There was that other Beka, the one she was sure Trance must have found by now… Trance might be able to save that Beka… but it was too late to save her… she would have liked to come along… with Trance… just for the ride. Save reality… save the universe… hope for the best… know what it was like to be optimistic again…

But saving the universe was Trance's role in life, not hers.

Beka wasn't a hero. She was just trying to get along, as best she could.

The flashing brilliant blue of a teseract suddenly sprang into life around her. Beka gasped at the sharp jolt, the dancing world…the wonder of the lights… the beauty of something so… so… alien.

And all the pain and all the fear and all the aguish and the stress were swept away, and Beka closed her eyes, and there was peace, and there was contentment, and there was a gentle tingling as her frail, metal-flesh body dissipated into nothingness, and the there was light, and there was warmth and a blissful sense of relief as everything faded away, leaving only the white emptiness.

And then there was nothing at all.