Quick Story Notes: I am trying so hard to write. This chapter has been drafted, edited, redrafted, deleted, re-written, and a whole bunch of other things. I have bad writer's block, and this chapter took me months to complete. I'm sorry for the long wait. I hope you like this. Hit the review button when you're done, and let me know how this is.
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Chapter 9: Welcome to IHOP
"YAY! FOOOOOOOD!" Averman shrieked, grabbing Potch and running off toward the building.
"Averman! Look out for cars!" Guy yelled as Averman ran out into traffic, without even bothering to glance in either direction.
The Ducks gasped, held their breath, covered their eyes, and turned away as there was the honking of horns, followed by the screeching of breaks, followed by some rather angry curse words, followed by rather angry curse words in Spanish, followed by the Ducks heaving sighs of relief when they saw Averman getting up off the ground and cursing back at the drivers about how they could have injured his stuffed kangaroo.
"Hey, kid, watch where you're going!" hollered a voice as a car pulled over to the curb.
"What the fuck are you doing you asshole!?" Averman yelled back at a rather big, angry bald man as the exchange continued.
"What am I doing? What are you doing, you son of a douche! Watch where you're going, you stupid mofo, and I won't almost run you over!" the big, angry bald man yelled, choosing to ignore Averman's exceptionally foul language and choosing to insert choice words of his own.
"I am simply trying to get to IHOP!" Averman exclaimed with an air of annoyance. "You, on the other hand, are obviously trying to murder me and my kangaroo! Wait until the World Wildlife Foundation hears about you, trying to murder an innocent animal!"
"I was not trying to murder your stuffed kangaroo!" the man yelled. It hadn't seem to dawn on him that Potch was a stuffed animal. "I was trying not to hit you, which brings me back to watch where you're going! You're not easy to avoid when you just run out into the street!"
Averman, who was red in the face, paled considerably. "Are you calling me fat?" he wailed, throwing himself onto the sidewalk and sobbing into Potch. "How could you do this to me? When you know I'm sensitive?"
The stranger looked completely perplexed.
"You'll have to excuse him," Guy said as the Ducks wandered over. "He's a bit…odd."
"I'm going now. Tell your friend to watch where he's going next time," the man said, getting back into his car and speeding off.
"Averman, are you alright?" Dwayne asks, crouching down to Averman, who was still sobbing.
"Nooooo," Averman moaned. "First somebody tries to murder Potch and me, and then he had the nerve to call me fat!"
"Join the club," Goldberg said. "You always call me fat."
"But we're not talking about you and your problems right now," Averman sniffled. "How could he do this to me? Especially when he knows I'm sensitive!"
"I don't think he was calling you fat, Averman," Connie said reasonably. "I think he just meant it's hard to stop in time when you just go darting into oncoming cars."
"Easy for you to say, Connie, with your perfect body! You wouldn't understand!" Averman wailed. Connie just looked bewildered.
Averman was having a bad day. First he finds out that his parents, in true Superman fashion, were leading double lives. Honest, hard working, loving parents by day, and stripping, pole boogying, exotic dancers by night; now this whole, admittedly imagined, weight problem. Even Charlie felt bad for him.
"Come on, Averman, cheer up," Charlie said, trying to be helpful, "Some pancakes will make you feel better."
This was obviously not the right thing to say.
"Pancakes!? Pancakes!?" Averman yowled. "How are you able to bring up pancakes in a time like this!?"
"Speaking of pancakes," Julie said, "can we go get some food please? I'm hungry."
"You don't feel bad for me, Julie?" Averman asked.
"No, Averman, I don't, since you've made this whole thing up in your mind, and I'm hungry, so let's go," Julie said, and began walking. "You are not fat!" she called over her shoulder.
"Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!" Adam jumped happily up and down and began bouncing behind Julie towards the restaurant once again.
"Uh, as much as I hate to agree with old happy pants, I really think I'll be heading over that way, too," Luis muttered. "I'm starving."
Luis headed away. Goldberg followed. Charlie lifted Potch up off the sidewalk, and walked along as well.
As the rest of the Ducks began wandering after Julie, their pangs of hunger beating out their pangs of sympathy, Averman reluctantly peeled himself off the sidewalk and towards the IHOP too, but set himself firmly in the belief he was not going to eat anything.
Reaching the building without further incident, the Ducks stepped inside.
"The smell of syrup, the sight of waffles, the sticky floors, I remember this place. Oh, IHOP we meet again," said Kenny with a look of fond nostalgia.
"Oiy vey," said Guy.
The pretty, blond haired, green eyed hostess took one look at the large party of Ducks and yelled, "Hey, Freddie, we're going to need a big one!"
"You got it, Chloe," Freddie smiled. Freddie was rather handsome. At 5'11, with gold-brown hair, blue eyes, broad shoulders, strong arms, and slightly darkened skin…well, Connie and Julie were now drooling like Adam, except butter had nothing to do with it.
Freddie noticed the two girls watching him, and flashed a smile.
Guy looked annoyed, as did Portman. Unfortunately, Julie and Connie didn't notice this, and it took quite a few ahems from Russ before they came to their senses. The two girls quickly started coughing while their love interests fumed.
Chloe the hostess giggled at the girls and said to Charlie, "Welcome to IHOP, are you ready to sit now?"
"Uh, all right then," said Charlie, with a confused look at Connie, Guy, Julie and Portman, "we're ready to sit now."
The Ducks all took seats around the table, Julie and Connie squashed between Portman and Guy. Obviously, Freddie wasn't getting anywhere near Connie or Julie.
After the menus had been past out, the Ducks sat quietly reading them. Averman was also gazing over his menu, in spite of his commitment not to eat, and was periodically reading to Potch the selections out loud.
Freddie and Chloe looked at Averman like he was a little weird, but the rest of the Ducks appeared to have gotten used to Averman's constant chattering to Potch.
"What do you think you'll get?" Luis asked Guy.
"Uh…chocolate chip pancakes," Guy answered.
"No, get blueberry," Connie broke in.
"Why?"
"Because blueberry is better."
"Is not."
"Is too."
"Is not."
"Is too."
"Is n-"
"How about," Fulton interrupted, "Guy gets chocolate chip pancakes, since he likes that better, and Connie gets blueberry pancakes because she likes that better."
"Sounds like a good plan," Dwayne said, nodding his head.
"What are you going to order?" Portman asked Julie.
"I think…waffles," Julie said, giving one final look over the menu before closing it.
"Oh, why must you torment me so?" Averman moaned. "I can't eat anything and you're going to order my favorite breakfast!"
"Averman," Charlie said, "why don't you just eat? You're not fat."
"Oh, I'm huge!" Averman started wailing again. "Soon I won't be able to fit into Goldie's jeans! I'm a fatass! And you all must torment me! How could you!?"
"Averman-"
"No, Charlie, I'm not eating anything," Averman folded his arms and leaned back into his chair.
"What's Potch getting?" Kenny asked Averman.
"I think Potch will have an omelet. He likes those," Averman said.
The discussion continued. Finally, Freddie came over to take their orders. It took about fifteen minutes to get it all straight, but finally, Freddie left for the kitchen to put in the order…though, Fulton and Charlie had agreed that Freddie would never be the same person he was before he encountered Potch and Averman.
"He's scarred," Fulton mumbled.
"For life," Charlie agreed, after Freddie stopped being hollered at by Averman. When Freddie had asked if Averman wanted onions in the omelet, Averman went straight into Potch's allergy to onions, and that they couldn't be in his omelet because Potch would become deadly ill.
Freddie looked so confused…and marked for life by the time it was over.
Charlie looked around. His eyes landed on Adam, who'd become strangely quiet.
"Hey Banksie, is anything wrong?" Charlie asked.
"Butter," Adam murmured, staring intently at the butter and the maple syrup on the table. "Must…restrain…self…"
"What are you going on about Banks?" Charlie asked again.
Adam's focus remained on the breakfast condiments sitting in front of him. "Butter," he kept murmuring. "Butter, syrup, hot, fizzling, yummy…"
Charlie decided Adam was too far gone to save, and turned his attention elsewhere.
Russ, who was sitting next to Adam, realized Adam was muttering to himself about his fetishes, and tried his best to move closer to Luis on his other side.
The next twenty minutes passed with conversational chatter but rather uneventfully, unless you count Kenny spilling his chocolate milk all over Dwayne, who took it quite well. His only retaliation was to squirt ketchup in Kenny's eye.
Charlie tried to keep track of the conversations, but only really got bits and pieces of them.
Kenny and Dwayne, who were done fighting, were now laughing hysterically and pointing at each other. It was all they were doing. No words were involved, just pointing and laughing.
Connie and Guy continued on their chocolate chip vs. blueberries kick, which Charlie found annoying. How many different times could you say blueberries were fruity and chocolate chips were chocolatey anyway?
Fulton and Portman were arguing about the best team the NHL had to offer.
"No, the Avalanche are awesome!" Portman said.
"No, the Panthers are awesome!" Fulton retorted.
"No, the Avalanche are awesome!" Portman repeated.
"No, the Avalanche are awesome!" Fulton mimicked Portman.
"No, the Panthers are awesome!" Portman exclaimed, and realized too late that he'd said the wrong thing.
"Haha, told ya!" Fulton laughed, whiled Portman looked furious.
Finally, Freddie and Chloe both arrived with plates and glasses, all hot and smelling, in the words of Averman, "delicious, which is torturous to a dieting fatso like me!"
"Averman, for the love of Jesus H. Christ, you are not fat!" Russ yelled at Averman, finally losing his patience.
But Averman did not see it that way. He threw his hands up into the air, knocking Chloe, who'd been standing behind him, off her feet. She was holding Fulton's lumberjack breakfast ("Complete with two pancakes, two waffles, eggs, bacon, and sausage!" Fulton had said happily) which went everywhere.
In spite of the mess, not too much damage was done. Kenny had taken a corner of a waffle to the eye, but other than that, no major injuries.
It was then that Charlie noticed one of the pancakes from Fulton's lumberjack breakfast had landed on Adam's head. The butter, which had been on top of the pancake, stuck to his face as the pancake slowly slid down the side of his head and face, coating his left cheek in the warm, melted substance.
Years later, looking back, Charlie would come to realize that it the moment Adam stood up was the signal for him to do something.
Unfortunately, the gift of hindsight only works when something has already happened. It's the gift of foresight that Charlie really needed. It was too bad that Charlie wasn't given that gift.
He just stared, along with everyone else, at the horrifically humorous event that was about to unfold before their eyes.
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Bella7: sorry I didn't drop you any ideas, I've had writer's block lately. I hope you liked this chapter!
BanksPortmanMendozaWu: I love the fact that you find these stories both funny and a little disturbing. Enjoy this chapter!
Quimby: I have rocked on, Q. I hope you enjoyed this, as I sit here speaking to you about the state-of-the-fandom online. Ah, a State of the Fandom Address! Let's do it! I hope you like this, considering what we've just discussed. Cheers!
Emily Henson: I hope you liked this, even though it's been a while.
Sam: glad you love it. So pleased. I hope this lives up to expectations. Cheers!