Summary: This Buffyverse is about fifty years or less into the future compared to the norm. Xander is a miner on Mars during the Red Faction rebellion.

Crossover: Red Faction (the PC game), Hellsing (the anime series, also the manga)

Feedback, it makes me write faster. (You know you want to do the feedback thing.)

Pre-Fic Comments:

The new (2003) Rob Zombie album is pretty good... especially 'Two-Lane Blacktop'. Go get that album and listen to that track. I'm gonna try and use it in this fic if I can sometime.

* * *

Xander blinked. Or he would have if he had eyelids right now, and if his eyes weren't closed.

"You can sspeak ssnake?," he hissed in Alucard's general direction. Being blindfolded sucked, even if it was necessary.

"Of course, Master," Alucard said, a note of laughter in his deep, deep voice. "I am Class A."

The sound of Giles dropping something heavy thudded into Xander's ears... or whatever the heck passed for them now. "Class A? Dear God in Heaven... I had heard something from the Council..."

"Is that bad?," Buffy demanded.

"Buffy?," Giles said quietly.

"Yeah? Badness level?"

"/Never/ annoy this vampire," Giles whispered quietly. "He defeated Incognito, who was possessed by a /God/. He could squash you like a bug."

The vampire's grin grew widely, showing some of his fangs.

"He can't drive, though," Seras piped up.

"I'm learning," Alucard said defensively. "I am infallible!"

"Only because you can't actually die or be permanently maimed if you crash!," Seras shot back.

"Guys? Cure?," Xander hissed.

"You know, that's real creepy," Willow observed. "I mean, giant fifteen foot long pythony Basilisk, hissing. But it could be worse, I guess. I don't know how, but it, it could."

"He wants to know about a cure," Alucard conveyed. "How was he touched?"

"I assume by touched you mean infected with whatever caused this transformation?," Giles asked.

"He pricked himself on some snake rib bone," Eos said. "They got it from some cultists they're after."

"Cultists?," Alucard asked. "What sect are they?"

"Er, according to the Slayer's reports," Giles began, "they are clad in quote funky black dresses with hoodies unquote, with scaled skin, talons, and a snakelike cast to their features."

Buffy blushed at Giles' verbatim portion of the explanation.

"One of them didn't have a gold medallion on?," the ancient vampire asked.

"The lot had 'em. It was practically Mr T convention time," Buffy confirmed.

"They were so scary," Willow recalled. "It was like one of those rattlesnakes leaping out of the bushes."

Alucard began to chuckle, then went into fullblown laughter.

"Master?," Seras asked. "Are they good?"

"They're very good," Alucard said as his laughter started to slow. "Slayer, you've been hunting Slizath priests!"

"The what-ath?"

"Oh. Oh dear," Giles said, grabbing a thick tome from a shelf. "I vaguely remember something..."

"These guys can help?," Xander hissed. He didn't have a problem understanding English, but speaking it, no way.

"Yes, Master," Alucard hissed back. "Assuming that Siz is around."

"So why would these guys be on the Hellmouth?," Buffy asked.

"It can't be anything good," Willow chimed in. "Because, hey, Hellmouth. Mouth of Hell. Badness comes through it."

"Have you asked them?," Seras enquired.

"Ah! Here it is," Giles said, laying the book down on the counter. "Slizath: a race of serpentile beings who have a strong sense of honour and abhor... undead..."

Alucard muttered something that sounded suspiciously like 'boneheaded watcher.'

"Okay, you be Research Guys," Buffy commanded. "I'll go find these bozos."

She left the bookshop, absolutely sure that the Faction Crew would obey her, much like the Team Sunnydale.

"All those in favour of blowing her off and searching for these snake guys ourselves?," Eos asked, raising her hand. "Motion passed. Come on, Alucard, Seras. Alucard, bring Vampire with you."

"Seras and I are vampires," Alucard complained as the three twolegged people and one no-legged person left the shop. "Lord Hellsing hasn't even died!"

"Doesn't matter..."

Giles sighed as the door closed, causing the little bell above it to chime. "Well, Willow, it looks like another stunning afternoon with my books."

"Have fun," Willow said.

"Surely you're not planning on hunting out those... Slizath, are you?," Giles asked, an eyebrow raised.

"No. Lectures. I am in Uni, you know."

* * *

Xander thought about the whole thing while the Faction Crew cruised Sunnydale. Eos and Seras were in the front (with an almost unanimous vote putting Seras behind the wheel), with Alucard in the back with Xander coiled around the headrests and draped over the seats.

Fortunately, the windows were heavily tinted, so that the two undead were not discomforted, and so that the police didn't pull them over for having an unrestrained reptile in a moving vehicle. Or something.

"We've looked through the warehouse district, the poor part of town, and the swank part of town," Eos complained, "and poof, no snakemen. No snakewomen. No snakes. Alucard, is your magic nose working?"

"Yes," Alucard said, stung. "The Hellmouth gives off a lot of noise, but there aren't any concentrations within fifty meters."

"Would they be using the Hellmouth for some ritual thingy?," Xander hissed.

"Probably, Master," Alucard replied.

"We should probably go look there, yeah?"

Alucard rolled his eyes. Hiding in plain sight, yeesh.

"What?," Seras asked.

"The Hellmouth," Alucard said. "They're hiding near it."

"Okay, fine," Eos said. "So they're hiding near this Hell thing. Where the hell is the Hellmouth?"

"I know," Xander said. "I made Deadboy take me there at crosspoint four or five years ago. They're in the tunnels, in the sewer system."

"Lord Hellsing can take us there," Alucard smirked. "In the sewers."

"Great," Seras complained. "Garbage."

"Hang on," Eos said. "He can't see. If he does, boom. Dead Eos."

"So he goes in front, and doesn't turn around," Seras said.

"Oh. Right."

* * *

Post-fic Comments:

There is a reason that Eos didn't drive the car.