[Disclaimer: LotR belongs to Tolkien, the PPC to Jay and Acacia, and 'you' belongs to "OrlandoBloomspersonalKitten." *groan* We really, really don't want 'you'. Threnody and Jaster still belong to us, though I think they might not be too pleased if they ever found out.]

Threnody was still silently grumbling about the sheer idiocy of the last fic when the call came in. Once again, she was on top of the speaker (her favorite place to sleep, since the sound was blasted out into the room and not upwards) and Jaster got to the console first.

"Um…" Why did he know that his partner really didn't want to see this one?

"Let me guess. Another Sue?"

"Yeah…"

"How bad is it?"

"Um…"

As Threnody hopped down, Jaster took one more glance at the screen and grimaced, "Just promise me you won't take it out on me…again…"

Threnody stared at the console screen aghast. "Youlegolas hope you don't mind! anyway your an animorph and you walk into the villiage inn and there you meet the fellowship," she read aloud. "What the flaming Mordor!? ANIMORPH!? Animorphs is a stupid kid's series!"

This time Jaster managed to reach the keyboard ahead of her.  He did not want to become a spider again.  Typing in the settings, place, and disguises for the two of them, he swiveled around in his chair, proclaiming he was finished and ready—just in time to duck random flying objects, which hit the wall instead.

"Elves," he said in response to her glare.

"Fine. Let's go get the 'you' from Makes-Things so you don't have to kill me."

She stalked out of the response center and up to Makes-Things' lab. The mild-mannered young man (actually, that was an understatement. For someone who spent a great deal of time dealing with psycho assassins, he was really, really timid. One would think that he would have been used to them by now.) cringed as the two agents entered his lab.

"I need a YCD. Now," growled the girl.

Makes-Things scurried over to a corner where a remarkable number of generic human shapes lay. He touched one of them and it promptly curled up into an easily portable size. He shoved it at the girl, who, despite the speed of his actions, was already tapping her foot impatiently, and motioned for them to go.  Jaster was not paying attention, however, and had his head down silently pitying her next victim.  While doing so he was grabbed by the arm violently and dragged out of the room.  Looking up to Makes-Things, he mouthed "Help me" as he was pulled through the door.

They were back in the response center in a very short time, as Threnody was by no means paying attention to where she was going.

Grumbling about the sheer stupidity of this Sue—really, a panther-animorph in the middle of a village, not a villiage, as the Sue called it, was ridiculous enough, especially when one took into account that the universe was Lord of the Rings—Threnody threw the You Crash Dummy through the portal and jumped after it into the middle of a peaceful forest. Well, it was peaceful until the Random Orcs decided to walk down the path and fight for no reason whatsoever.

You saw her standing there, totally furious, as the usual third or first person was suddenly replaced by second person. You could hear her muttering something about the utter insanity of people who read too many Choose Your Own Adventure stories and think they can write and how this was definitely going on the charge list. But you, being a Sue as well as an automaton intended solely to act out the story without placing the agents in any danger, took no notice of her.

Then you waltzed down a village street that just randomly appeared, followed by two seriously annoyed Elves, which you didn't notice, being the idiot Sue that you were. One of them seemed to be holding the other back for some reason, insisting, "We can't kill her yet, Threnody. Just wait."

"Kill…" hissed the second Elf. You didn't know what they were talking about, so you went on your way.

Then you entered the inn that just happened to contain most of the Fellowship. Gandalf, Aragorn, and Boromir were notable (and lucky) in their absence. One of the hobbits, who was apparently frodo, not Frodo, interrupted you with a misspelled exclamation, wondering how you knew Gimli.

"Poor Gimli. Usually the Sues miss him," muttered one of the Elves that were still following you. You ignored them, since the only character in this story of any importance was the handsome blond prince in front of you. Gimli explained to the reduced Fellowship that you were his second cousin twice-removed by his sister, never mind that one's sister's children are one's first cousins, and spoke in gibberish that vaguely resembled Elvish. But only if one didn't listen too hard.

There followed a brief, but highly painful dialogue as you and Legolas fell in love instantly, despite the fact that if you were the cousin of a dwarf, logically speaking, you would be a dwarf, and therefore would not be very attractive to an Elf. Since you were only a YCD with no name, there were several awkward pauses where the preteen author had left blanks for the reader to fill in your name.

Finally, one of the Elves behind you muttered something about "A time to kill…" and stopped everything.

"Mary Sue, also known as ________, you are charged with being a Mary Sue, deleting three members of the Fellowship, creating a random village, a random forest, and a totally uncanonical fairyland with a Princess Arilay, being an ANIMORPH in Lord of the Rings, making Legolas ridiculously stupid, inflicting yourself as a cousin on Gimli (what did he ever do to you?), interfering with the rest of the canon characters, speaking your own language that bears no resemblance to Elvish, be it Quenya or Sindarin, creating Pantherian, and seriously annoying me. You are condemned to death and have no rights, but just for the sake of my curiosity, I'm going to let you have last words."

You stood there, dumbstruck. Last words? But, you're supposed to come back in a sequel and marry the hot elf prince… your train of thought was abruptly cut off as a rock whacked you on the head, sending you unconscious.

****

You woke up with a remarkably painful headache, and looked around. The place was dark and forbidding, and surprisingly undefined for Tolkienverse. A low, evil chuckle came from behind you.

"Welcome to the unpublished lair of Tevildo. Since you are so fond of cats, I thought you would enjoy meeting the granddaddy of them all." The Elf grinned mockingly, and her companion covered his face and pointed behind you. You turned slowly, and shrieked as an enormous black feline pounced.

Canon snapped back into place with a jolt, to find Threnody gently stroking the huge cat, murmuring things about "wassat a tasty Sue, huh? Does 'oo want Mommy Thrennie to bring you more tasty Sues? Yes, of course 'oo does. Just wait, precious. Mommy will be back with more Sues for her dearie to eat, yes she will."

Grimacing at what was left on the floor, Jaster's head perked up at her usage of a personal nickname.  "'Thrennie'?"

This was responded to by a smack across the back of the head. "Don't call me that."

She hit the buttons to return to the response center, darted through the portal before Tevildo had time to remember that he was supposed to be a monster, and resumed her place on top of the speaker.  Jaster wondered if she had gotten rid of all of her evil intentions for the day and glanced at her position.  Shaking his head once more he sighed heavily and plopped down into the control chair, opening up a MUD to play.

"Hey, Thrennie."

One of the books from Threnody's personal stash (which she kept on top of the speaker as well) made contact with his head.

"OW!"

Sweetly, she asked, "What?"

[Threnody's A/N: Isn't there some rule in the Pit of Voles that authors are supposed to be thirteen or older? Or do misremember the rules? This girlie says in her bio that she's twelve, so I left her a gentle, but thorough, CC. I still wanted to kill it. *evil grin* So I did.

(I love the obscure characters. Tevildo, if my memory serves, originally fought Huan instead of Sauron in werewolf form. Big, scary cat. I thought it rather poetic justice, since she was a panther, and all.)

Jaster's A/N: MUDs are fun…]