Blood Lust
"If a man kills too many, too long..."
... he loses his original purpose and has his heart stolen be the color and smell of blood"
- Himura Kenshin
Act 9 – Kurogasa
Manga
The plain truth that Saitou can attest to. I don't think they would understand at first. But maybe they will... They would be disgusted. How could I face them with the truth told. The truth... Tomoe was more than what any one could know. She brought more than balance to my life. I am afraid to admit this to even myself. Saitou figured it out before I did. He could tell in the way i fought.
I didn't quite lose my purpose,
By than I figured it was natural to become accustomed to it. By then I was... I can't cay that I am not anymore, Because it is hard to tell. I lost myself in the bloodlust that was Edo. I had forgotten my original goal. I liked seeing the blood spilling from the lifeless forms... I think I must have at one point. But I was always careful to never get any on me.
Red.
It's funny that I never think of blood when I see my hair. I think of my mother's beautiful red lips, and how they always smiled for me. But that is straying from the matter at hand. I can't blame myself for it. It was inevitable, I am not different than any one else. But they would never understand because they are so pure and innocent.
I can't help but smile as I see this blood, a decent amount, for the first time in ages. And... I can't help but notice the satisfactory metallic smell.
It has an unnerving calming sense about it.
Don't tell me this is wrong, It is just the way I adjusted to all of the blood. I can't help but notice the dissipated look upon your face. Why is that? I have done nothing wrong. Why is it that I am haunted by a past that I would never change if I had to. It is nothing to be ashamed of, but the bloodlust is. Red, it has a calming affect on me, maybe because when the blood came It was all over. In all my years not once did the blood fail to find its way into my mind. I didn't kill longer than most, just more than most, in a shorter period of time. Maybe that is why it has lingered for so long.
Tomoe reminded me why it was that I was stained with so much blood. I realized that it wasn't my life's purpose to kill. Neither was it going to stay that way. I had by then realized that many had to die for my ideal to be realized. Why was it that I was fighting? I had to remind my self then, many times, on why. It was because I was too naïve to listen to the words of my master. It was because Sakura, Kasumi, and Akane where murdered right before my adolescent eyes.
Have I done anything wrong? I haven't but I can't help but feel I have. Have I ruined the perfect image that you so carelessly placed on me? I hope so because the truth is better than lies.
When will I ever forget this? Never. It has been ingrained into my soul, into my bones. I don't want my memories to leave me. It will aid me in those nights of self-pity and loathe. But you will never understand this.
How can you live with the knowledge that I too lusted after the sweet taste of blood. I was also like Jin-e, but I was saved from the perpetual lust. It's amazing how a few months alone in the mountains With some one that cares for you can do for a person.
Will you ever be at peace with me now that I have told you the truth? I can't seem to get that image out of my head. I know the truth would hurt you. But the truth is better than lies. Will you ever think of me the same? I will forgive you if you can't but please, try for me.
I will leave you alone to think about this. One more thing though, before I leave, that oath has served more than one purpose. But some times it seems too hard to live by.
Goodbye, I hope that you will think about what I just told you.
Himura Kenshin