Such Devoted Sisters
Or The Trojan War From a Wife's P.O.V.
A Very, Very, Very Long Time Ago. Monday.
I always knew she was a trollop, that sister of mine. Fair Helen! Never was there a maid so fair etc. etc. etc. And now she's run off with that Prince Paris from Troy. Mind you, I can't really blame her. She always was a bit simple, was our Helen. All looks and no brain, Mother used to say. And those Trojans weren't bad looking, really. Agamemnon and I had to go to a family do at Sparta to meet and greet (such is life when married to the King of Kings – but remember, Aggie dear; behind every great man is a woman wielding a rolling pin), and I swear that Prince Hector was eyeing me up. Nice bit of rough he was...
So there we go; Helen and Paris fall in love and bunk off to Troy, and Aggie's brother gets the wind up his robes and demands her back. I said to him, I told him, "you let her be, it's no concern of ours what my trollop of a sister does," but does he listen? Does he fishcakes! "Now look here, Clytaemnestra," he says to me – as if I were one of his silly little soldiers to command! – "you leave all this to me. We'll get your beloved sister back, and avenge the family honour andstealTroywhilewe'reatithemhemhem". I told him to leave her there, but you know what these boys and their toys are like.
At least the kids are out of all this. The Gruesome Twosome, Orestes and Electra (very strange, those two; I'm sure they're not mine), have been keeping themselves to themselves recently, but my lovely little Iphigenia has been keeping me company. Such a sweet little thing, my eldest; a true angel.
And she's taking my mind off that gorgeous stud Hector...
Well, he's gone and done it now, hasn't he? Aggie's got the whole of the bloomin' Greek army shacked up here at Mycenae – including that studmuffin Achilles (shame about his heel, though) – and they can't go anywhere! The worst storms for years! Serves him right; let Helen get on with it, I say; it's not like she's doing anyone any harm. The army's getting a bit restless though. I know the feeling. I never did like Mycenae – mind you, I never liked old Aggie much! But he did give me my gorgeous little Iphie – not to mention the Gruesome Twosome. Actually, probably best not to. I caught them playing with knives again today. I'm sure it can't be healthy.
So, the kids are bored, the army's bored, I'm bored...maybe I should go and see if Achilles wants a bit of fun...Two Weeks Later...
I'll kill him. I'll bloody kill him, even if I have to swim all the way to Troy to do it. He's only gone and murdered my sweet baby, hasn't he?
It turns out that they couldn't sail because Artemis (oh we're not worthy to buff her feet) was cheesed off with him for shooting some deer or something. Sensible goddess, I say; never did like all the blood and stuff that goes with it. Anyway, she was the one causing all the storms, so that dumb priest Calchas tells her to sacrifice a virgin to appease her.
"Come to see us off, Cly," he says to me. "Bring Iphie, she can watch the boats. Oh, andmarryAchilles, hemhemhem," so off we jolly well went.
Boats, my sandals!! He took my precious girl and butchered her on the altar, right there in front of me! I'd've killed him then if I'd had half a chance. But it worked, and off he jolly well went in his little boat, after kissing me and telling me he'd see me in a few months. I hope his bloody boat sinks.
Oooh, maybe that nice young Hector'll finish him off...
All this for my sister...
I'll kill him...
P.S. The Gruesome Twosome were practicing some chant thing when I got back. Very strange...Three Years Later...
Nice to see the war's going so well. Ha!! Turns out those Trojans are tougher than Aggie thought! He can't get past the walls for love nor money. Got a postcard from him this morning: 'Dear Cly, wish you were here. Sand everywhere. Trojans everywhere. Blood everywhere. The killing's great but the nightlife's crap. Achilles is trying to teach his, erm, cousin how to fight. Odysseus and I think he looks like a girl. Menelaus sends his love. So do half the army. Your bloody sister...Love Aggie.'
Love my boots! Actually, I do. Got them from Manolosis Blahnikus, using the treasury money, of course! Cost half of Greece but they look fab! Besides, I have to take care of my looks...got that young hunk Aegisthus coming for tea.
Orestes and Electra, the Gruesome Twosome, are as strange as ever. I swear Electra's got funny eyes; she seems to be able to look at me wherever I stand in the room. Creepy...Another Four Years...
Another postcard from the Big Doofus: 'Cly. Sand. Trojans. Blood. Sister. Aaaagghhh!!! Love Aggie'.
Never was one for writing, that husband of mine. Mind you, it made me and Aegisthus laugh. Yep, they still haven't defeated the Trojans. To be honest it's boring now. He should just give up, the silly sod. Hunky Hector and his boys aren't coming out, so what's the point? Helen's still a trollop, let her do her stuff. (She gets it from Mother, you know; she was a hussy as well).
On a brighter note, young Aegisthus and I are getting along famously. He's very good at ruling in Aggie's place – not that he knows that, of course – and he sympathizes with me about my poor Iphie. Oh, how he sympathizes. Twice, last night...
The Gruesome Twosome mumbled something about wanting the Book of the Dead for their birthdays...I knew we should've drowned them at birth...Ten Years Since Agamemnon Left...
Well, he finally did it. After ten years, Aggie beat the Trojans and razed the city to the ground. Ever so full of himself, he was. The postcard went: "Cly. Yay me! No more Trojans. Still loads of sand. Coming home. Aggie.'
Well, that's put the cat among the pigeons. I don't want the big lunk home; I've got Aegisthus now and we're very happy, thank you very much. Besides, he didn't strictly win the stupid war; he had to cheat. Ten years of fighting and the Trojans finally kicked the bucket 'cos of some trick with a horse. (I wasn't really concentrating on the letter at the time, Aegisthus was kissing my feet). None too bright, those Trojans. Mind you, they look awfully good in skirts...
Oh, and that's another thing. Aggie was gloating because that whopping great tart Achilles killed Hunky Hector. Cheated, probably...so anyway, the great lunk is coming home. Not that he'll be here long. The letter went on about how much he misses little Iphie; well, he'll be joining her sooner than he thinks. Aegisthus and I have this plan, see...
Oops, the Gruesome Twosome are coming. They want to show me their new toy. Apparently, it's called a 'guillotine,' whatever that is...Months Later...
May the Gods bless us. Our mother is dead. Just as she and her lying lover Aegisthus murdered our father on his return from Troy, so we dispatched them to Hades. May they rot in damnation.
Orestes and Electra