Thanks for the reviews...just wanted to let you know this will be a N/S story.
Right at this moment, I wish I had the ability to read minds. Nick was quiet, too quiet. I couldn't stand the silence. I felt like he was judging me. I knew he hated me and what I've become. Well, he's not the only one. I'm not exactly pleased with myself either. I know what I'm doing is wrong, but I have to do it. I need to.
Nick was staring at me. Finally, he broke the silence. "Why Sara? Why are you doing this?"
I felt a tear slide down my cheek. "I have to."
Nick wiped my tear away and pulled me into his arms. I cried harder and buried my head into his neck and shoulder. "Sara, honey, why do you feel like you have to do this?"
I pulled away and he reached for my hands and held them. He was giving me the strength I needed to talk to him. "It's a long story."
"I'm not going anywhere." He assured me.
"I'm losing control Nick. I'm losing control of my life and everything around it. I think it started when I learned that Hank was using me to cheat on his girlfriend. I felt stupid for not noticing the signs before. Then, somewhere in the back of my mind, I needed to get control again. The day of the explosion, I was following Grissom around. I was determined to take charge and I felt by asking Grissom out that I would be making a step in the right direction. Well, he was extremely busy and people kept stopping him and talking about cases, so I turned around and headed back. That's when I walked past the lab and it exploded. I lost control again." I took a deep breath and stared at the floor.
Nick squeezed my hands. "You're doing good. Just take your time."
I nodded and continued. "I was sitting outside thinking about how close I came to being killed. I was worried about Greg and I kept asking myself if there was something I could have done to stop it. I know that I couldn't have prevented it, but I couldn't keep that thought from the back of my mind. Grissom came up to me and took my hand. He called me honey and told me that my hand didn't look so good. I took this as a good sign, that maybe Grissom felt something for me. I came back from the hospital and I remember staring at my I.D. thinking that I was alive and I believed I had some control back. Then I got in trouble with Brass by not obeying orders."
Nick understood that. "I seem to recall asking you if you thought you were indestructible."
I smiled. "I think I did."
"Okay, so what changed to make you feel that you weren't in charge of your life anymore?"
"I asked Grissom out, he said no. Nick, I was so pathetic. I was begging Grissom to give us a chance. He just told me that he didn't know what to do about it. I said I did and by the time he figured it out, it would be too late."
"What do you mean too late? What were you planning on doing?"
"Nothing at the time. I was trying to scare Grissom into changing his mind. It didn't work." I gave Nick a half smile. "Anyway, my life seems to have taken downward spiral since then. I wasn't able to find out who murdered Eddie. I couldn't save Suzanna. Catherine is constantly pissed off at me and Grissom refuses to be near me anymore than he has too."
"I understand that you're hurting and you're upset. What I don't understand is why you're not eating."
"Eating is the only thing in my life that I can control and I can't lose that."
"I know there's more going on than what you've told me. I want to help, but I can't until you tell me everything."
I nodded. "You know when you're little and you parents like to brag on you?"
Nick smiled. "Yeah, I remember that all to well. In fact, there was a few times I wished they kept their mouths shut."
"So do I, only for different reasons. I was always compared with other girls. My parents would say stuff like 'Sara, why can't you be more like so and so'. Or 'Sara, why can't act more like the other girls in your class.' I hated it. I never liked being compared to other people. In fact, they kept throwing things in my face about how beautiful some people were. So, I started believing them. I began to think I wasn't good enough and I wasn't pretty enough. I had to take control of my life. I was doing fine too, I went to college and I got a job. It was only when I came here that my life starting spinning out of control."
"Sara, your parents were wrong. You are beautiful and you're amazing. You're the most caring and wonderful person I know."
I was touched by his words and I really wanted to believe him. Of course my brain was telling me that no one could care about someone like me. I glanced over at him and his eyes seemed to burn in mine. "Did Warrick tell you?" I asked needing to know if Nick knew about what I had planned on the roof.
"Tell me what?"
"About me being on the roof."
"No, he didn't." Nick let go of my hand to tuck a stray piece of hair behind my ear. "Why don't you tell me what happened?"
I took a deep breath. "I had made my mind up that I couldn't handle life anymore. I was determined to make the one choice I could and than I wouldn't have to worry about the pain and depression."
"You were going to jump." Nick's comment was mixed with disbelief and concern.
"I was until Warrick came and stopped me." I confirmed.
"Thank God he did."
I stared down at the floor unable to look at Nick. I knew that he was disgusted with me. I didn't blame him. I know what I've become and I don't like it.
"I understand why you feel the need to control your life, but becoming anorexic isn't the answer Sara." He placed his hand under my chin forcing me to look at him. "Do you understand that if you keep this up, you're going to kill yourself? You're not a quitter Sara, you never have been."
"I can't take it anymore Nick. I feel like a stranger in my own body." I knew I was going to wear down soon and I only hoped Nick would be there when I did.
"You don't have to feel that way. I'm going to help you. Please, just let me help."
That's all I needed to hear. I reached over and wrapped my arms around him and cried. "I don't want to die." I told him and I didn't.
He held me tighter. "I'm not going to let you. We're going to get through this together."
"Promise?"
He leaned back and looked me in the eyes. "I promise." He kissed my forehead and embraced me once more.
TBC
Right at this moment, I wish I had the ability to read minds. Nick was quiet, too quiet. I couldn't stand the silence. I felt like he was judging me. I knew he hated me and what I've become. Well, he's not the only one. I'm not exactly pleased with myself either. I know what I'm doing is wrong, but I have to do it. I need to.
Nick was staring at me. Finally, he broke the silence. "Why Sara? Why are you doing this?"
I felt a tear slide down my cheek. "I have to."
Nick wiped my tear away and pulled me into his arms. I cried harder and buried my head into his neck and shoulder. "Sara, honey, why do you feel like you have to do this?"
I pulled away and he reached for my hands and held them. He was giving me the strength I needed to talk to him. "It's a long story."
"I'm not going anywhere." He assured me.
"I'm losing control Nick. I'm losing control of my life and everything around it. I think it started when I learned that Hank was using me to cheat on his girlfriend. I felt stupid for not noticing the signs before. Then, somewhere in the back of my mind, I needed to get control again. The day of the explosion, I was following Grissom around. I was determined to take charge and I felt by asking Grissom out that I would be making a step in the right direction. Well, he was extremely busy and people kept stopping him and talking about cases, so I turned around and headed back. That's when I walked past the lab and it exploded. I lost control again." I took a deep breath and stared at the floor.
Nick squeezed my hands. "You're doing good. Just take your time."
I nodded and continued. "I was sitting outside thinking about how close I came to being killed. I was worried about Greg and I kept asking myself if there was something I could have done to stop it. I know that I couldn't have prevented it, but I couldn't keep that thought from the back of my mind. Grissom came up to me and took my hand. He called me honey and told me that my hand didn't look so good. I took this as a good sign, that maybe Grissom felt something for me. I came back from the hospital and I remember staring at my I.D. thinking that I was alive and I believed I had some control back. Then I got in trouble with Brass by not obeying orders."
Nick understood that. "I seem to recall asking you if you thought you were indestructible."
I smiled. "I think I did."
"Okay, so what changed to make you feel that you weren't in charge of your life anymore?"
"I asked Grissom out, he said no. Nick, I was so pathetic. I was begging Grissom to give us a chance. He just told me that he didn't know what to do about it. I said I did and by the time he figured it out, it would be too late."
"What do you mean too late? What were you planning on doing?"
"Nothing at the time. I was trying to scare Grissom into changing his mind. It didn't work." I gave Nick a half smile. "Anyway, my life seems to have taken downward spiral since then. I wasn't able to find out who murdered Eddie. I couldn't save Suzanna. Catherine is constantly pissed off at me and Grissom refuses to be near me anymore than he has too."
"I understand that you're hurting and you're upset. What I don't understand is why you're not eating."
"Eating is the only thing in my life that I can control and I can't lose that."
"I know there's more going on than what you've told me. I want to help, but I can't until you tell me everything."
I nodded. "You know when you're little and you parents like to brag on you?"
Nick smiled. "Yeah, I remember that all to well. In fact, there was a few times I wished they kept their mouths shut."
"So do I, only for different reasons. I was always compared with other girls. My parents would say stuff like 'Sara, why can't you be more like so and so'. Or 'Sara, why can't act more like the other girls in your class.' I hated it. I never liked being compared to other people. In fact, they kept throwing things in my face about how beautiful some people were. So, I started believing them. I began to think I wasn't good enough and I wasn't pretty enough. I had to take control of my life. I was doing fine too, I went to college and I got a job. It was only when I came here that my life starting spinning out of control."
"Sara, your parents were wrong. You are beautiful and you're amazing. You're the most caring and wonderful person I know."
I was touched by his words and I really wanted to believe him. Of course my brain was telling me that no one could care about someone like me. I glanced over at him and his eyes seemed to burn in mine. "Did Warrick tell you?" I asked needing to know if Nick knew about what I had planned on the roof.
"Tell me what?"
"About me being on the roof."
"No, he didn't." Nick let go of my hand to tuck a stray piece of hair behind my ear. "Why don't you tell me what happened?"
I took a deep breath. "I had made my mind up that I couldn't handle life anymore. I was determined to make the one choice I could and than I wouldn't have to worry about the pain and depression."
"You were going to jump." Nick's comment was mixed with disbelief and concern.
"I was until Warrick came and stopped me." I confirmed.
"Thank God he did."
I stared down at the floor unable to look at Nick. I knew that he was disgusted with me. I didn't blame him. I know what I've become and I don't like it.
"I understand why you feel the need to control your life, but becoming anorexic isn't the answer Sara." He placed his hand under my chin forcing me to look at him. "Do you understand that if you keep this up, you're going to kill yourself? You're not a quitter Sara, you never have been."
"I can't take it anymore Nick. I feel like a stranger in my own body." I knew I was going to wear down soon and I only hoped Nick would be there when I did.
"You don't have to feel that way. I'm going to help you. Please, just let me help."
That's all I needed to hear. I reached over and wrapped my arms around him and cried. "I don't want to die." I told him and I didn't.
He held me tighter. "I'm not going to let you. We're going to get through this together."
"Promise?"
He leaned back and looked me in the eyes. "I promise." He kissed my forehead and embraced me once more.
TBC