Disclaimer: It's really difficult to find a new way to say 'this isn't mine' with every story, isn't it? Queen owns the song. A bunch of people own the characters

10 Fanfics you've never seen before

2. Singing you a song

(An empty stage, with just a microphone at the front. A spotlight picks out a single figure as he comes onto the stage, and walks towards the mike)

Denethor (clearing his throat): Well, this is what I get for attempted son-a-cide. (Begins to sing)

Toniiiight, gonna have myself a real hot time

I feel on fii-hi-hi-iiiire

And the wooorld, turning upside down, yeah

Tumbling down, from Minas Tirith

So please catch me now

Please catch me now

Cos I'm having a Barbi, having a BarbiQ!

(Stage lights go up. Sauron, the Balrog, Smaug and a host of other firey creatures are singing backup)

I'm a shooting star falling from on high like a fire-bomb

Proving the laws of gravity

I'm a racing car, on fire like a witch of Salem

I'm gonna go, go, go

There's no stopping me

Burning through the sky, yeah

200 degrees

That's why they call me Mr Farenheit

I'm travelling at the speed of light

I wanna make a crispy-fried son out of you

Please catch me now

I'm having such a bad time

I'm a firey ball

Please catch me now

If you wanna be set on fire

Just don't bring me a ring

Please catch me now

Please catch me now

I don't wanna hit the flooooor

I'm the last Steward, gonna hit the floor

On a collision course

I am a psychopath

I'm outta control!

I'm a bitch-machine

Ready to insult

My only remaining son

About to (whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa)

Get fried!

I'm burning through and through, yeah

200 degrees that's why they call me Mr Fareheit, yeah

I'm travelling at the speed of light

Wanna make a super-singing hobbit of you!

Sauron and Balrog: Please catch me, please catch me, please catch me

Denethor: Hey hey hey!

S and B: Please catch me, please catch me

Denethor: Oooh oooh ooh. I like it!

S and B: Please catch me, please catch me

Denethor: For a hot time, hot time.

S and B: Please catch me, please catch me

Denethor: Whoooa!

(groovy Smaug guitar solo)

Denethor: Ooooooh

Burning through the sky, yeah

200 degrees that's why they call me Mr Fareheit

I'm travelling at the speed of light

I wanna make a really big BarbiQ!

So, please catch me now

I'm having such a hot time

I'm a firey ball

Please catch me now

If you wanna have a hot time

All: Just give us a call!

Denethor: But please catch me now,

Yeah, please catch me now

I don't wanna be a splat on the floor!

(Everyone drifts off. Denethor remains)

Denethor: La la la la laaaaa, la la laaa la. Come on! Everybody sing along!

(realises no one is paying him any attention. They've all gone to watch Haldir and Legolas' pole dancing routine next door)

Denethor: Ah, well, it was worth a shot.