"I'm sorry, Grissom. What did you say?" She's looking at me like she has no
clue what I'm referring to.
My last chance out. No, I've started this; I might as well go all the way. "I said, am I too late? You know...about us?" Not for the first time I'm feeling extremely uncomfortable around her.
Slowly her expression changes as if she finally realizes where I'm going with this. I can't tell whether she is happy or angry. I feel at lost. Normally Sara is an open book, but right now I have absolutely no idea what is going on inside of her mind.
She takes a deep breath and says: "Grissom, there is no us."
I will not let her off this easily. "I know, Sara. And that's my fault. I've been a fool."
Her eyes widen when I say those words. I certainly have her attention.
"I know I've pushed you away so many times, and for that I'm sorry. The events of the last week have forced me to take a look at my life. And quite frankly, I didn't like what I saw."
I pause to catch my breath. Confusion is clearly written in her eyes as she waits for me to continue.
"When I had the surgery on my ears, I swore that I would make some changes in my life. But somehow I always seem to screw things up between us."
Sara looks at me shocked. "You had surgery?"
At that moment I feel like kicking myself. I never told her I was having surgery. I never told her about my hearings problems at all.
"When was this?" Her voice is rising.
I can see the anger building up inside of her. I should never have mentioned the surgery, not now anyway. Well, actually...I should have mentioned it a long time ago. She should have been the first to know.
"Ehrmm after the Sam Braun case. Listen Sara, it was a minor problem and it's fixed now. Could we please get back on track?"
"Ohh and just what track would that be, Grissom?" She's not taking this well.
"Us." The word still feels so strange. "Sara, I didn't tell you about the surgery...I didn't let you into my life because...well I was afraid." Nervously, I run my hand through my hair. This is so difficult. I need to make her understand me.
"Afraid? Of me? Why Grissom?" Her features have softened. The anger in her eyes is gone. Those beautiful brown eyes.
"Why? I'm not sure. Sara I've loved you from the very first moment I saw you. But you were so young, and I never thought that I would get a chance. I guess I was afraid of the power you have over me, even when we are 'just' friends. No one has ever come this close to me."
She's looking straight at me, clearly paying attention. "And what about now? Are you still afraid?"
I swallow the lump that has formed in my throat. "Yes, I am, but I'm willing to take the risk." I look down in my mug that I'm holding between my hands. Silently I mutter: "I'm tired of being alone. I want...I need a life besides work."
Suddenly I feel her hands covering mine. Her voice is soft when she asks: "What happened at the hospital?"
"The doctor called it a warning but the correct description would be angina pectoris. He said that I need to make some changes in my life. If I don't I might not be so lucky next time. Less work, less stress." I take a deep breath, then continue: "I've been doing a lot of thinking about the future. What changes that can be done concerning work. But I've also realised that I want to do something about us, if there's still a chance."
When she doesn't answer right away, I look up. Afraid that I will see anger, I'm relieved to see compassion in her eyes instead.
"Grissom, are you sure that you're ready for this? Have you even considered work or imagined what sheriff Atwater will say when he finds out about us?" She's looking concerned at me.
"Listen Sara, those are all technicalities. If it becomes a problem I'll just resign as supervisor, which I might be forced to anyway because of the stress part. I'm willing to give this a shot. Now the question is are you?"
I've done it. I've said it. The ball is in her corner now. It's up to her. She looks down at our hands, appearing to be in deep thoughts. Seconds, minutes passing by and my uncertainty growing in tact with it. I'm too late.
Then she clears her throat and starts to speak. "You've hurt me so many times over the past few years."
This is it. She's turning me down. But then she continues: "If we do this, you can't keep running away every time you get scared. You have to talk to me. That's the only way we can have a chance."
I feel a sense of relief surging through my body when I realise that she's willing to give it a chance. "Whatever it takes to make it work, Sara." I move my hand on top of hers, in an attempt to show her that I mean every word.
She looks me straight in the eyes, as if she's searching for the truth. To make sure that I'm serious. Then the smile appears. She knows that I'm telling the truth.
"So Grissom, where do we go from here?" She looks at me questioningly.
"Well considering that you've been working all night, my guess is that you'll be going home to rest. The team will still have to do without me for at least another week. So you'll need the sleep Miss Sidle." I smile at her to let her know I'm kidding.
"Smart ass. You know what I mean."
"How about dinner?"
"Hmm... dinner sounds nice."
"So what about tomorrow evening, six thirty, at my place? That should give us enough time, before you have to go to work."
"It's a date." She breaks her hand free to cover a yawn. She looks exhausted.
"See Sara, you should listen to your boss more often. You're tired." I turn and signal to the waitress that we're ready for the check.
"Yeah, you're right. I should head home."
The waitress appears with the check, and I pull out my wallet and pay. As we both get up from our seats and start towards the door, our hands touch. As if it's the most natural thing in the world we hold hands. A small and for some very innocent gesture, but for us a very big step. I follow her to her car. Before she opens the car, she turns around, looking down at our joined hands.
"Grissom, I'm really glad that we've had this talk. I must confess that I'm scared as well of what is to come. But I can't go on the way I've been doing. Just don't hurt me again," she finishes softly, almost in a whisper.
I bring up my hand to caress her cheek, trying to give her some comfort. "Sara, I would never hurt you intentionally. I'm sure that at some point I'll manage to screw things up, but please don't lose faith in me. I've never really been in a long-term relationship. Somehow I never get that far. So I need you to be patient with me. But you must never doubt my love for you."
Moist is building in her eyes, my thumb still caressing her cheek. I feel a need to give her more. More than just words. I lean in slowly, to give her time to say stop. But all I see in her eyes is need. The need for a sign that I mean every word I've just said.
I close the remaining distance and our lips brush. They barely touch, and we both hold still. Just when I'm about to move back a little, I feel her lips starting to move. Move for another kiss and I give in to her need. Who am I kidding? I need it too. I love the sensation of her lips on mine.
Before we lose ourselves in each other we break a part, remembering that we're in public. We both clear our throats while discreetly looking around us to see if we've been caught.
"So uhmm... tomorrow at six thirty," Sara says with a big smile on her face.
"Yes tomorrow evening," I assume that the smug on my face matches hers.
She turns and gets into her car. Before she closes the door she looks at me and says: "I love you too."
Before I even have a chance to reply the door is shut, and she has started the engine.
I turn and walk towards my car. She loves me. Sara Sidle loves me. Suddenly I'm overwhelmed with the feeling of happiness. For the first time in a very long time, it feels like things are going in the right direction. I know it won't be easy for us. There'll be bumps in the road, but together we'll overcome them.
The End. Copyright © 2004 by gittedl
Authors note: This is one of the hardest stories I've written so far. One of the reasons is probably that some of the things that I've put Grissom through are based on personally first hand experience. So the story is very dear to me.
I need to thank mostly Karin, my beta reader. And thanks also go to Ann, Rosh and at last Mossley for naming Boris. This story wouldn't have become what it is without ya. I really appreciate it.
My last chance out. No, I've started this; I might as well go all the way. "I said, am I too late? You know...about us?" Not for the first time I'm feeling extremely uncomfortable around her.
Slowly her expression changes as if she finally realizes where I'm going with this. I can't tell whether she is happy or angry. I feel at lost. Normally Sara is an open book, but right now I have absolutely no idea what is going on inside of her mind.
She takes a deep breath and says: "Grissom, there is no us."
I will not let her off this easily. "I know, Sara. And that's my fault. I've been a fool."
Her eyes widen when I say those words. I certainly have her attention.
"I know I've pushed you away so many times, and for that I'm sorry. The events of the last week have forced me to take a look at my life. And quite frankly, I didn't like what I saw."
I pause to catch my breath. Confusion is clearly written in her eyes as she waits for me to continue.
"When I had the surgery on my ears, I swore that I would make some changes in my life. But somehow I always seem to screw things up between us."
Sara looks at me shocked. "You had surgery?"
At that moment I feel like kicking myself. I never told her I was having surgery. I never told her about my hearings problems at all.
"When was this?" Her voice is rising.
I can see the anger building up inside of her. I should never have mentioned the surgery, not now anyway. Well, actually...I should have mentioned it a long time ago. She should have been the first to know.
"Ehrmm after the Sam Braun case. Listen Sara, it was a minor problem and it's fixed now. Could we please get back on track?"
"Ohh and just what track would that be, Grissom?" She's not taking this well.
"Us." The word still feels so strange. "Sara, I didn't tell you about the surgery...I didn't let you into my life because...well I was afraid." Nervously, I run my hand through my hair. This is so difficult. I need to make her understand me.
"Afraid? Of me? Why Grissom?" Her features have softened. The anger in her eyes is gone. Those beautiful brown eyes.
"Why? I'm not sure. Sara I've loved you from the very first moment I saw you. But you were so young, and I never thought that I would get a chance. I guess I was afraid of the power you have over me, even when we are 'just' friends. No one has ever come this close to me."
She's looking straight at me, clearly paying attention. "And what about now? Are you still afraid?"
I swallow the lump that has formed in my throat. "Yes, I am, but I'm willing to take the risk." I look down in my mug that I'm holding between my hands. Silently I mutter: "I'm tired of being alone. I want...I need a life besides work."
Suddenly I feel her hands covering mine. Her voice is soft when she asks: "What happened at the hospital?"
"The doctor called it a warning but the correct description would be angina pectoris. He said that I need to make some changes in my life. If I don't I might not be so lucky next time. Less work, less stress." I take a deep breath, then continue: "I've been doing a lot of thinking about the future. What changes that can be done concerning work. But I've also realised that I want to do something about us, if there's still a chance."
When she doesn't answer right away, I look up. Afraid that I will see anger, I'm relieved to see compassion in her eyes instead.
"Grissom, are you sure that you're ready for this? Have you even considered work or imagined what sheriff Atwater will say when he finds out about us?" She's looking concerned at me.
"Listen Sara, those are all technicalities. If it becomes a problem I'll just resign as supervisor, which I might be forced to anyway because of the stress part. I'm willing to give this a shot. Now the question is are you?"
I've done it. I've said it. The ball is in her corner now. It's up to her. She looks down at our hands, appearing to be in deep thoughts. Seconds, minutes passing by and my uncertainty growing in tact with it. I'm too late.
Then she clears her throat and starts to speak. "You've hurt me so many times over the past few years."
This is it. She's turning me down. But then she continues: "If we do this, you can't keep running away every time you get scared. You have to talk to me. That's the only way we can have a chance."
I feel a sense of relief surging through my body when I realise that she's willing to give it a chance. "Whatever it takes to make it work, Sara." I move my hand on top of hers, in an attempt to show her that I mean every word.
She looks me straight in the eyes, as if she's searching for the truth. To make sure that I'm serious. Then the smile appears. She knows that I'm telling the truth.
"So Grissom, where do we go from here?" She looks at me questioningly.
"Well considering that you've been working all night, my guess is that you'll be going home to rest. The team will still have to do without me for at least another week. So you'll need the sleep Miss Sidle." I smile at her to let her know I'm kidding.
"Smart ass. You know what I mean."
"How about dinner?"
"Hmm... dinner sounds nice."
"So what about tomorrow evening, six thirty, at my place? That should give us enough time, before you have to go to work."
"It's a date." She breaks her hand free to cover a yawn. She looks exhausted.
"See Sara, you should listen to your boss more often. You're tired." I turn and signal to the waitress that we're ready for the check.
"Yeah, you're right. I should head home."
The waitress appears with the check, and I pull out my wallet and pay. As we both get up from our seats and start towards the door, our hands touch. As if it's the most natural thing in the world we hold hands. A small and for some very innocent gesture, but for us a very big step. I follow her to her car. Before she opens the car, she turns around, looking down at our joined hands.
"Grissom, I'm really glad that we've had this talk. I must confess that I'm scared as well of what is to come. But I can't go on the way I've been doing. Just don't hurt me again," she finishes softly, almost in a whisper.
I bring up my hand to caress her cheek, trying to give her some comfort. "Sara, I would never hurt you intentionally. I'm sure that at some point I'll manage to screw things up, but please don't lose faith in me. I've never really been in a long-term relationship. Somehow I never get that far. So I need you to be patient with me. But you must never doubt my love for you."
Moist is building in her eyes, my thumb still caressing her cheek. I feel a need to give her more. More than just words. I lean in slowly, to give her time to say stop. But all I see in her eyes is need. The need for a sign that I mean every word I've just said.
I close the remaining distance and our lips brush. They barely touch, and we both hold still. Just when I'm about to move back a little, I feel her lips starting to move. Move for another kiss and I give in to her need. Who am I kidding? I need it too. I love the sensation of her lips on mine.
Before we lose ourselves in each other we break a part, remembering that we're in public. We both clear our throats while discreetly looking around us to see if we've been caught.
"So uhmm... tomorrow at six thirty," Sara says with a big smile on her face.
"Yes tomorrow evening," I assume that the smug on my face matches hers.
She turns and gets into her car. Before she closes the door she looks at me and says: "I love you too."
Before I even have a chance to reply the door is shut, and she has started the engine.
I turn and walk towards my car. She loves me. Sara Sidle loves me. Suddenly I'm overwhelmed with the feeling of happiness. For the first time in a very long time, it feels like things are going in the right direction. I know it won't be easy for us. There'll be bumps in the road, but together we'll overcome them.
The End. Copyright © 2004 by gittedl
Authors note: This is one of the hardest stories I've written so far. One of the reasons is probably that some of the things that I've put Grissom through are based on personally first hand experience. So the story is very dear to me.
I need to thank mostly Karin, my beta reader. And thanks also go to Ann, Rosh and at last Mossley for naming Boris. This story wouldn't have become what it is without ya. I really appreciate it.