Chapter 4 – There Can Be Only One
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"Ooh…" Serge groaned painfully, swatting at whatever that annoying thing was that seemed to be poking him repeatedly between the eyes.
"Hey! Hey! Hey-hey! Hey!"
The young man opened one eye slightly. Then he opened it a little more. Finally, he opened it the rest of the way.
In the meantime, the early afternoon had become late afternoon, and the random unassuming passer-by who had previously been poking Serge with a stick, and his pet Komodo Dragon were beginning to get a little impatient.
"You shouldn't be
sleeping here, you know," the man told him seriously. "This is government
protected land, and sleeping here might scare off the wildlife. I mean, you
could have killed four species of insects and eighteen different plants, just
by lying there, breathing!"
"Well, sorry," Serge huffed. "I could
stop breathing, if you'd like. Oh, wait, no I couldn't."
"Anyway, who are you?"
"I'm…hold on. Where's everyone else?"
The man frowned.
"Can you describe this 'everyone else'?"
"Yeah; it's about thirty-seven really weird, mismatched people."
"Sorry," the man said apologetically. "You were the only one here when I happened past."
"I don't know whether to be really worried, or overjoyed," Serge said solemnly. Then he turned back to the man. "Well, what about Leena? Where did she go?"
"Leena's on the dock, babysitting. All the poor kid ever does. Someone needs to show her a good time. I'd do it, but-"
"But I'd punch you, for one thing," Serge growled, balling up his fist.
The man raised an eyebrow.
"So, does Leena know she has this possessive boyfriend?"
"Unless her memory's really short, she does," Serge replied tersely, crossing his arms and eyeing the man suspiciously.
"Well, that's…uh…nice," the man said politely. "Why not go see her and find out for yourself how her memory is?"
"Alright, I think I will, then," Serge said, lifting his head slightly.
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"Who are you?" the young redheaded girl asked, frowning.
Serge waved his arms, gibbering incoherently.
"It's me! Your boyfriend?"
Leena laughed, ducking her head and blushing slightly.
"Oh, come on! That's the cheapest pickup line I've ever heard! I don't have a boyfriend, and I'm not going to start now."
"Is this about last week, Leena? Because I'm really sorry about that. I don't know what got into me! But I haven't tried anything since! Doesn't that count for something?"
"Well, it might count for more if I knew what you were talking about. I mean, you do seem kind of familiar, but not that familiar."
"Ah-hah! Why do I seem familiar?"
"Well, I don't know," Leena replied, looking down shyly. "You kind of remind me of the little boy who used to live next door to me. Mostly because I don't see too many really pretty guys with blue hair."
"Uh…what do you mean, "lived" next door to you?" Serge asked, a suspicious sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. He was fairly certain he wasn't going to like this answer…
"Well…he…he died," Leena finally said.
Serge blinked.
"Uh…"
"His name was Serge," she continued.
Serge blinked again.
"But…I'm Serge!"
Leena's expression went from solemn to startled. Before it could morph into furious, though, both wheeled about at the sound of a gasp behind them.
"G-g-g-ghost!" the old fisherman perched on the edge of the dock stuttered, terrified, before leaping into the water and swimming away, apparently neglecting to notice the boat parked directly next to the dock.
"Uh…that was weird," Serge noted.
Leena glared at him, finally completing the transition.
"Better weird than cruel! What a horrible joke to try to play, saying you're Serge!"
"I am who I am. Who else could I be?" Serge shrugged, feeling uncomfortably that such a statement wasn't exactly original. And why was that snazzy pop music running through his head?
"No! You're not! You're really, really not! He was drowned when he was a little boy. His grave is on Cape Howl. Go see for yourself.
"Fine, then. I will," Serge said petulantly.
He had just wheeled about and prepared to storm away when the sight in front of him made him stop short.
Karsh and Kid were approaching from the other end of the dock, which might have been normal enough considering the present circumstance. However, just as he began to run to them and explain in alarm that something was wrong with Leena, who seemed to have lost her memory, a third person stepped out from behind Karsh.
"Uh…Leena?" Serge said hesitantly.
"Yes?" she replied quizzically.
Serge blinked.
"But…weren't you just…"
He turned around. Sure enough, Leena was still behind him. But then, when he turned back, there she was in front of him!
"Oh, I see what's got him all funny," Kid said grimly. "C'mon! Let's get outta here before someone sees us!"
"Okay; so, there are three Leenas now?" Serge puzzled to himself as he was dragged away. "Her birthday's going to be expensive this year!"
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Ten minutes later, Serge, Kid, Karsh, and Leena had rejoined the rest of the group, who had, upon waking up on a beach, quickly left the area in order to let Serge do whatever he had to do to unlock those "plot point" things, as Kid continued to call them, much to the confusion of the party. The massive group were gathered near a clump of rocks large enough for a person to sit on, had they been so inclined. Of course, in such a large group, it only stood to reason that at least a few people would be so inclined, and thus the rocks were getting rather crowded with Nikki, Miki, and an unfortunate Orcha, who had Draggy curled up in her lap, occupying one, Fargo, Doc, Luccia, and Janice occupying a second, and Glenn, Leena, and Korcha on the third. Kid was pacing up and down, muttering furiously to herself.
"…Should've bloody well expected this," the group thought they heard as she swept past. "What in the bloody hell're we s'posed ta do now?"
"Uh, Kid?" Serge called tentatively. "Is there a problem?"
Thirty-six people and various other creatures winced in sympathy for the horrible fate that was going to befall Serge very, very soon, if Kid's murderous expression as she stopped still and turned to him, was any indication.
"Naw, not at all," she replied far too sweetly. "What'd be wrong? The fact that we've got two Leenas from THE SAME UNIVERSE ta worry about? The fact that we're gonna have two of at least HALF of us ta worry about by the time the game's over?
"Y-yeah, I guess that's kinda bad," Serge agreed thoughtfully.
Kid gritted her teeth.
"Of course it's bad!" she shouted. "We don't know what this sorta thing could do! We might hafta kill one of the Leenas ta keep the universe from collapsing in on itself!"
"And vy vould it do a thing like that?" Luccia asked.
"Oi, I don't know the specifics," Kid explained with a chilling dignity. "Sue me."
"Vell, if you like, I vill sue you, although I do not understand vy."
"Oh, never mind! Serge, ya got any idea where we're goin' next?"
"Well, Leena – the third Leena – said I should go to Cape Howl to visit my own grave, or something."
"Heh-heh-heh…looks like Leena 3 doesn't trust yer fightin' ability too much," Kid snickered.
"That's not what she meant!"
"It's what I'd have meant if I'd said it," the blonde grinned.
"Yeah, well, maybe you're just mean!" Serge shot back angrily.
"Better mean than childish and petty," Norris said pointedly.
"Yeah, I guess that's true," Serge agreed thoughtfully, missing the point entirely. "So, up to Cape Howl?"
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"I have to be honest, Kid," Leena said as the group made their way through the creatures inhabiting Cape Howl fifteen minutes later. "I don't know how much I approve of this "we might have to kill one of the Leenas to keep the universe from collapsing in on itself" business."
"Oi, Leena, don't worry. It probably won't even come up. Provided you remember a few things about me 'n Serge," she added under her breath. "But anyway, ain't that a noble death? Givin' yer life fer the good of the party! You oughta be grateful fer the opportunity!"
"I'd like to see you be grateful," Leena said a little resentfully.
"Well, we may get to see Karsh be grateful," Orlha broke in with a bemused smile, pointing to the top of the path, where Serge was being cornered by a very familiar someone. Specifically, the very familiar someone that was also standing next to Fargo, Zappa, and Orcha at that moment. "Look."
"Hey, don't look at me like that! I don't wanna be noble!" Karsh exclaimed, backing away from Kid, despite the fact that she wasn't actually "looking at him like that", or like anything else. Then he sighed resignedly. "Well, I guess it's either him or me."
"Where are you going?" Orlha asked wearily as he set off up the path.
"I'm goin' to kick my ass! What's it look like?" Karsh growled with a fierce glare at the other Karsh.
"Well, I suppose we had to do that joke at least once," Norris murmured, wincing as several pained shouts and several more profanities from one Karsh or the other drifted towards the group. "We ought to be grateful that this is the first time."
"This is going to end badly, isn't it?" Glenn sighed.
"Yup," Kid replied, nodding grimly. "Guess someone shoulda told 'im we didn't have to kill one of 'im."
"We didn't?!" Leena asked, surprised. "Then what was all that talk about earlier?"
"Just havin' fun with ya," Kid replied with a mischievous smile. "You'll fall fer anything, Leena."
"Kid!" Leena would have exclaimed reproachfully, had a new voice – yet, at the same time, a very familiar new voice – not chosen that moment to make its declaration of independence.
"Hold yer seahorses!" it called.
"Seahorses?" Glenn repeated, looking up from the sword that he was again admiring, as he would continue to do every time the plot found itself in a lull. "Where have we heard that before."
"I don't bloody well believe it," Kid muttered, staring up at the newcomer in shock.
"Back off, 'r I'll kick yer sorry arses so far, you'll kiss the moons!" said newcomer growled menacingly at the Karshes, engaged in a death grapple, as well as a startled Solt and Peppor.
"Uh…guess you've got everything handled here, mate," the Kid at the top of the path said hesitantly to Serge. "So…you wanna get outta here and go fer ice cream? Or…y'know, we could find a place fer the night…"
"Right, that's it," the Kid at the bottom of the path said through gritted teeth before a very bewildered Serge could answer.
"Where are you going now?" Orlha asked, lifting one eyebrow.
"Who cares if we don't hafta get rid of one?" Kid replied, pretending to roll up her sleeves. "Better safe than sorry, right?"
"You can say that again!" Karsh called jubilantly from the top of the path where he stood, victorious, over the unexpected interloper of his name and appearance.
Solt and Peppor watched in shock and horror as the body of their commander gave one final twitch and stopped moving, and then vanished in a show of highly important symbolism. Or something else entirely.
"You killed the other Karsh," Radius noted more casually than one might have thought appropriate. "I suppose you know that this means that you'll have to take his place until the events have played themselves out."
"Uh…" Karsh began rather lamely.
"Alright, missy, I'm only gonna say this once," Kid said slowly and calmly to her own duplicate as she gained the top of the hill. "There's only room fer one of us in this crazy mess."
"That means one of us's gotta go, right?" the other Kid asked with a smirk.
"Y'read my mind," the first Kid replied.
"'Course I did. It's my mind, too."
"WouldCHA cut the witty dialogue and get to the chick fight?" Korcha called in an act of ultimate stupidity. "Ow," he concluded following an attack by approximately twelve angry females, during which daggers, fists, frying pans, shots, and every other manner of weapon had become lodged in all available parts of the infinitely unfortunate and ill-used boy.
"Where were we?" the first Kid asked briskly as they returned to their position at the top of the path.
"We were gonna settle this the violent way," the other Kid replied, drawing her daggers back out again.
"Guys!" Doc called pleadingly, running toward them. "Why can't we all just be friends?"
"We can be friends if she agrees to step aside and find a different life!" the first Kid shot back.
"Forget it," the other Kid said flatly. "Why don't you step aside?"
"No deal!"
"So, let's fight!"
"Wait!" Doc called desperately, just as the daggers began to clash. "What's so wrong with having two of you around? I mean, you're both unique and vital individuals! I'm sure you'll both find yourselves a place in the world! And if we change the course of what's going to happen, what does it matter? If it hasn't happened yet, there's no one to say we can't change it, right?"
Both Kids thought. In a way, the good groovy doctor's words made sense. Stealing slightly ashamed glances at each other, both started to sheathe their daggers and turn away…
…Until, in unison, both whipped them back out again and launched themselves at the other with a cry of "SUCKER!"
Doc sighed mournfully. Orlha made her way up the path to drag him back to safety and console him, assuring him that he had done all he could to preserve the peace. Karsh continued his attempt to explain to a sobbing Solt and Peppor that the Karsh he had killed had been in impostor, and it had been imperative that the wretch died.
Everyone else scratched their heads, or reasonable facsimiles thereof, in confusion.
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Twenty seconds later, Kid – the first one – looked smugly down at the unmoving and quickly vanishing corpse of Kid – the other one.
"Guess that solves that," she said with a tone of finality.
"Hey, what the heck?!" Serge exclaimed. "Weren't you two supposed to be exact copies? How did you beat her so easily?"
Kid grinned triumphantly.
"Let's hear it fer maxed out stats!"
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End Notes: Bwah! This was…interesting. So, I'm not totally sure on this; is everyone having to kill off the equivalent of them in the storyline so they don't get left out in the cold a good gag? 'Cause I like it, and it neatly solves the problem of what the heck to do with these extras. However, it is very late at the moment, and thus it might be a gag so far beyond stupid that it defies all logic. Let me know, okay? Thanks! ^_^