iMany people believe that a rainbow will appear in their lives after facing tough times. Just like in a storm, the rainbow represents hope and reassurance that the storm is over...at least for now. The people who believe in something as foolish as that are optimistic. I considered myself to be an optimistic once, but that was before the storm came and tore my whole world apart like a tornado, not caring who or what it hurt in it's destruction. How anyone can believe that a rainbow will appear after what I've gone through, I'll never know. My rainbow won't ever appear because it is covered up by large, gray clouds that linger on, keeping any kind of light from reaching this cold heart of mine.
I have not gone out in public since Danny's funeral. Emotionally I'm too weak, physically I'm still bruised, and meantally I'm completely lost. I keep all the windows in the apartment covered up so they won't let in any light. Darkness has become my only friend, the light now scares me like it never did before and I don't know why. My face is swollen and my nose is bright red from crying too many tears over these past few days. But I've finally stopped. I didn't stop because I've finally been able to start the process of moving on, no, that's not it at all. I've stopped because I have no more tears to cry. At least when I cried I felt like I was remembering Danny, like I was caring about him. Now that I've stopped I feel like I never even cared for him which I know in my heart isn't true. But what would some strange think if they saw me? Would they think I was cruel and heartless? I could handle crying, it made things easier, now things are much more complicated. The scariest thing about not being able to cry anymore is thinking that you are an emotionless person. How can you not cry anymore for someone you loved with all your heart? I try anything to get me crying again, songs that remind me of him, poems he wrote for me, pictures of us, and the picture of our baby that he never got to see, but nothing works. Am I that much of a monster? I wish I could just shed one tear to know that I'm not that horrible.
I still do not know what I am going to do. Fox wants me to return home, but I can't. Not just now. The holidays are coming up and being hom for the holidays with my family would only slip me into deeper depression. I can't handle that right now. I can't have that much stress with me carrying this baby. Friends of Danny and I have been over to see me ever since the accident. Friends that I haven't seen in a while have even been here to my surprise. I see the look of concern in each of their eyes as they sit across from me telling me how they are praying for the baby and I. I don't need their pity! I am not the type of person who needs pity! I'm Amanda Crane! They should show me some respect for goodness sake! Breathe, Amanda, breathe. See how I'm going crazy? They must see that and wonder what happened to happy girl that once lived in my body. I guess my appearance doesn't help much when they see me. I haven't showered in days. My hair is a complete mess, I wear the most hideous clothes, but then again why should I care about how I look? I'm not going to a ball to meet my prince. My prince is 6 feet under in the icy, cold ground. The coldness in my eyes scare me when I look into the mirror. It's as if I'm looking at a complete strange in the mirror now. The passion for life I once had has disappeared. I look plain and dirty like a lost dog on the streets. My appearance is the last thing I care about in this unfair, cruel life of mine.
Last night I wrote a poem to help express how I'm feeling. I know it's not good, but I'm proud of it.
He's dead now and it's all because of me,
If only I wasn't rushing him he would've seen,
The headlights blinded us like deer in the road,
We were captured by the light and didn't know where to go.
He tried to swirve out of the way,
But it didn't matter,
It was already too late.
I woke up not sure of what happened,
As I searched for him I fell,
I passed out trying to call for help,
The next thing I know from someone's touch.
"Where is he?" I asked,
She only looked afterall what else could she say or do,
I looked around the accident and saw what I feared,
A cop standing by him shaking his head.
He was too young to die,
I'll never forgive myself for the part I played in his death,
I shall go on living without my one true love,
I guess it's what I deserve for killing him.
I stare out the window and see all the people laughing. How can they laugh? Do they not realize how much pain and heartbreak the world is suffering? I can't remember the last time I laughed. I know it wasn't long before Danny's death. Everyday he did something to make me laugh. His death seems so long ago to me. I wonder what it will feel like next month? I fear I'll never laugh again, or smile for that fact either. Danny's death has been an epoch in my life, I doubt I'll ever recover fully.
Dear journal, do you think it's possible that I can find love again? I feel so ashamed to ask you, especially so soon after Danny's death, but I need an answer. Is it possible? I've read stories where people never recover from losing their first love. I really don't want to be one of those people, but I have a feeling that I'm destined to be one of them.
I'm thinking too much right now. My head is sore, I think I should lay down for a little while. Thank you for being my friend right now.
Amanda/i
Amanda closed her journal and placed it under her pillow as she laid down on her bed. As she drifted off to sleep she wondered where Danny was.
************************************************************************************************
Fox grabbed his watch quickly and raced down the stairs as fast as he could. He was running late. He was suppose to pick Theresa up so they could go to the grand re-opening of the BlueNote. Fox could not wait to get there. Theresa had told him just last night on the phone that Whitney was going to sing. Fox remembered that he knew he loved Whitney once he heard her sing last time. He wondered how he would feel this time.
"Why are you in such a rush?" Ethan asked as he fixed his tie in the mirror.
"Not that it's any of your business, but I'm late. I was suppose to pick Theresa up 10 minutes ago. Now if you'll excuse me," He said trying to leave.
"Can I have a word with you before you go?"
"Can't it wait?" He asked anxiously wanting to be there to hear Whitney sing her first song.
"I'm afraid not."
Fox sighed as he waited to hear what Ethan had to say.
"I've noticed that you and Theresa have gotten much closer since L.A."
"Yeah, so?"
"Fox, you need to stay away from Theresa. She deserves better than you."
"Gee well thanks, Ethan. You sure know how to make your half-brother feel great," He said tapping him on his shoulder. "Ethan, I have no intentions of seducing Theresa if that's what you think. We are only good friends."
"That's what she said."
"What? Don't you trust her?"
"That's not it, Fox. You weren't there in the beginning...."
"I wasn't, Ethan. But I'm here now and I know Theresa is an honest woman who deserves the love and respect from someone who will put her at the top of everything else. She needs a man who will be with her and only her. Not someone who will keep bouncing back and forth between two women, not knowing who he wants to be with."
************************************************************************************************
"I wonder where Fox is?" Theresa asked herself as she paced her bedroom floor.
She checked herself in the mirror one last time before writing a note explaining to Fox that she couldn't wait on him forever. She kissed the note on the back of the envelope as she taped the note to the front door and left. Fox pulled up minutes later and ran to ring her bell. He saw the note that said, "Fox." He knew it was her writing right away. He opened it to find a short note inside.
iDear Fox,
I'm sorry I left. I couldn't wait any longer for you because I promised Whitney that I would be there from the beginning. I hope nothing is wrong. See you tonight.
Love Your Partner In Crime,
Theresa/i
Fox laughed as he folded the note, placing it in the inside pocket of his suit.
************************************************************************************************
Theresa smiled on as Whitney sang her first song. But she couldn't stop looking at the entrance to see if Fox was there. She worried a great deal about him. She knew that he was a grown man, but she also knew that he could be very vulnerable. Lately she had noticed a great change in him. He wasn't the same Fox that appeared in her bedroom the night that Ethan married Gwen. She knew that his love for his mystery woman had changed him.
iLove changes a person in the most impossible ways/i
Theresa had a huge smiled on her face as she watched Fox enter the club. Fox didn't notice Theresa though, he was staring at Whitney who was ending her first song.
iShe still has the voice of an angel/i
"Fox," Theresa laughed as she appeared right before his eyes.
"Theresa, I didn't notice you," he said surprised.
"Yeah, I know. You were watching Whitney. Fox that look in your face is the one you get when you see your mystery woman. Is she here? Wait how could I be so blind?" She said as she sat down from shock, "It's Whitney you love, isn't it?"
I have not gone out in public since Danny's funeral. Emotionally I'm too weak, physically I'm still bruised, and meantally I'm completely lost. I keep all the windows in the apartment covered up so they won't let in any light. Darkness has become my only friend, the light now scares me like it never did before and I don't know why. My face is swollen and my nose is bright red from crying too many tears over these past few days. But I've finally stopped. I didn't stop because I've finally been able to start the process of moving on, no, that's not it at all. I've stopped because I have no more tears to cry. At least when I cried I felt like I was remembering Danny, like I was caring about him. Now that I've stopped I feel like I never even cared for him which I know in my heart isn't true. But what would some strange think if they saw me? Would they think I was cruel and heartless? I could handle crying, it made things easier, now things are much more complicated. The scariest thing about not being able to cry anymore is thinking that you are an emotionless person. How can you not cry anymore for someone you loved with all your heart? I try anything to get me crying again, songs that remind me of him, poems he wrote for me, pictures of us, and the picture of our baby that he never got to see, but nothing works. Am I that much of a monster? I wish I could just shed one tear to know that I'm not that horrible.
I still do not know what I am going to do. Fox wants me to return home, but I can't. Not just now. The holidays are coming up and being hom for the holidays with my family would only slip me into deeper depression. I can't handle that right now. I can't have that much stress with me carrying this baby. Friends of Danny and I have been over to see me ever since the accident. Friends that I haven't seen in a while have even been here to my surprise. I see the look of concern in each of their eyes as they sit across from me telling me how they are praying for the baby and I. I don't need their pity! I am not the type of person who needs pity! I'm Amanda Crane! They should show me some respect for goodness sake! Breathe, Amanda, breathe. See how I'm going crazy? They must see that and wonder what happened to happy girl that once lived in my body. I guess my appearance doesn't help much when they see me. I haven't showered in days. My hair is a complete mess, I wear the most hideous clothes, but then again why should I care about how I look? I'm not going to a ball to meet my prince. My prince is 6 feet under in the icy, cold ground. The coldness in my eyes scare me when I look into the mirror. It's as if I'm looking at a complete strange in the mirror now. The passion for life I once had has disappeared. I look plain and dirty like a lost dog on the streets. My appearance is the last thing I care about in this unfair, cruel life of mine.
Last night I wrote a poem to help express how I'm feeling. I know it's not good, but I'm proud of it.
He's dead now and it's all because of me,
If only I wasn't rushing him he would've seen,
The headlights blinded us like deer in the road,
We were captured by the light and didn't know where to go.
He tried to swirve out of the way,
But it didn't matter,
It was already too late.
I woke up not sure of what happened,
As I searched for him I fell,
I passed out trying to call for help,
The next thing I know from someone's touch.
"Where is he?" I asked,
She only looked afterall what else could she say or do,
I looked around the accident and saw what I feared,
A cop standing by him shaking his head.
He was too young to die,
I'll never forgive myself for the part I played in his death,
I shall go on living without my one true love,
I guess it's what I deserve for killing him.
I stare out the window and see all the people laughing. How can they laugh? Do they not realize how much pain and heartbreak the world is suffering? I can't remember the last time I laughed. I know it wasn't long before Danny's death. Everyday he did something to make me laugh. His death seems so long ago to me. I wonder what it will feel like next month? I fear I'll never laugh again, or smile for that fact either. Danny's death has been an epoch in my life, I doubt I'll ever recover fully.
Dear journal, do you think it's possible that I can find love again? I feel so ashamed to ask you, especially so soon after Danny's death, but I need an answer. Is it possible? I've read stories where people never recover from losing their first love. I really don't want to be one of those people, but I have a feeling that I'm destined to be one of them.
I'm thinking too much right now. My head is sore, I think I should lay down for a little while. Thank you for being my friend right now.
Amanda/i
Amanda closed her journal and placed it under her pillow as she laid down on her bed. As she drifted off to sleep she wondered where Danny was.
************************************************************************************************
Fox grabbed his watch quickly and raced down the stairs as fast as he could. He was running late. He was suppose to pick Theresa up so they could go to the grand re-opening of the BlueNote. Fox could not wait to get there. Theresa had told him just last night on the phone that Whitney was going to sing. Fox remembered that he knew he loved Whitney once he heard her sing last time. He wondered how he would feel this time.
"Why are you in such a rush?" Ethan asked as he fixed his tie in the mirror.
"Not that it's any of your business, but I'm late. I was suppose to pick Theresa up 10 minutes ago. Now if you'll excuse me," He said trying to leave.
"Can I have a word with you before you go?"
"Can't it wait?" He asked anxiously wanting to be there to hear Whitney sing her first song.
"I'm afraid not."
Fox sighed as he waited to hear what Ethan had to say.
"I've noticed that you and Theresa have gotten much closer since L.A."
"Yeah, so?"
"Fox, you need to stay away from Theresa. She deserves better than you."
"Gee well thanks, Ethan. You sure know how to make your half-brother feel great," He said tapping him on his shoulder. "Ethan, I have no intentions of seducing Theresa if that's what you think. We are only good friends."
"That's what she said."
"What? Don't you trust her?"
"That's not it, Fox. You weren't there in the beginning...."
"I wasn't, Ethan. But I'm here now and I know Theresa is an honest woman who deserves the love and respect from someone who will put her at the top of everything else. She needs a man who will be with her and only her. Not someone who will keep bouncing back and forth between two women, not knowing who he wants to be with."
************************************************************************************************
"I wonder where Fox is?" Theresa asked herself as she paced her bedroom floor.
She checked herself in the mirror one last time before writing a note explaining to Fox that she couldn't wait on him forever. She kissed the note on the back of the envelope as she taped the note to the front door and left. Fox pulled up minutes later and ran to ring her bell. He saw the note that said, "Fox." He knew it was her writing right away. He opened it to find a short note inside.
iDear Fox,
I'm sorry I left. I couldn't wait any longer for you because I promised Whitney that I would be there from the beginning. I hope nothing is wrong. See you tonight.
Love Your Partner In Crime,
Theresa/i
Fox laughed as he folded the note, placing it in the inside pocket of his suit.
************************************************************************************************
Theresa smiled on as Whitney sang her first song. But she couldn't stop looking at the entrance to see if Fox was there. She worried a great deal about him. She knew that he was a grown man, but she also knew that he could be very vulnerable. Lately she had noticed a great change in him. He wasn't the same Fox that appeared in her bedroom the night that Ethan married Gwen. She knew that his love for his mystery woman had changed him.
iLove changes a person in the most impossible ways/i
Theresa had a huge smiled on her face as she watched Fox enter the club. Fox didn't notice Theresa though, he was staring at Whitney who was ending her first song.
iShe still has the voice of an angel/i
"Fox," Theresa laughed as she appeared right before his eyes.
"Theresa, I didn't notice you," he said surprised.
"Yeah, I know. You were watching Whitney. Fox that look in your face is the one you get when you see your mystery woman. Is she here? Wait how could I be so blind?" She said as she sat down from shock, "It's Whitney you love, isn't it?"