The trials of Gagazet were ahead, and Wakka knew he should sleep. But how
could he, when he had to face where Lulu and Auron were curled around each
other beneath a fur? Warming each other, whispering and kissing.
And here he was, alone beneath his own furs, where before Lulu would have been curled in the crook of his arm. It galled him to the bone, and the thing that made it worse was knowing that it was his own damn fault.
Wakka's fists clenched, and he ducked his head, pulled his fur tighter over his body.
The group had began their upward trek on Gagazet the previous day. The confrontation with the Ronsos had shaken everyone at first. But the positive outcome had heartened the group, and they began their journey to the other side of the mountain with renewed spirits.
When he put his personal feelings aside, and focused on Yuna's goal, Wakka could almost forget that it had been Lulu and Auron to talk the Ronsos down. He could almost ignore the way Lulu and Auron had become a bit more open about their relationship, now that Yuna had laid everything out in the open. Wakka pretended he didn't care, or that he didn't notice. But beneath it all, the knowledge was a black acid that was eating away his existance. The green-eyed monster was rotting him from within.
Was it evil of him, to wish for an all-powerful fiend in the trials ahead to devour Auron, and leave Lulu all alone? Wakka didn't even know if he wished it because he wanted Lulu for himself, or if he wished it because he knew that something happening to Auron would devastate Lulu. He was afraid that he wanted her spirit to be as crushed and as hurt as his was. He was afraid of his own pettiness.
Wakka wished things that he dare not even admit to himself. If anything were to happen to Lulu.....
No. He wouldn't allow himself to think that way. Wishing for one person's demise was quite enough, without wishing for two.
Resolutely, he rolled away from the group. Put his back to the fire, and to the circle of his companions.
'If I start to think this way, 'den I'm no better 'dan Seymour. Yuna be doin' this all for nothin'.'
He had......to force himself...to be the better man.
After all, for the first time since Chappu died, Lulu was happy. And that was a very good thing indeed.
*********************************
Beneath the warm furs, Auron's lips met Lulu's once more, and his fingers lingered on the slope of her breast.
These moments were sweet heaven to him, and he had not felt this way since before Braska's pilgrimage. Auron never would have thought that coming to guard Tidus on his way to free Jecht, that he'd fall in love. That the slim, frail black mage would be anything more to him than just a comrade.
But the thought of Jecht ruined the mood. Once Sin was defeated, and Jecht freed, the world must be righted as much as possible. That meant everyone being sent to the Farplane that should be. That meant him having to go. It wouldn't be right if he didn't go. It wouldn't be natural, the way things should be.
Lulu was giving her heart and her body to dead man. As much as he loved her, that....wasn't right, and Auron could not help but start thinking that perhaps he was defiling her, every time he entered her.
His hand spread out over her Lulu's chest, and he kissed her forehead.
"There is something I need to tell you."
"What is it?" Her voice was husky, placid.
"After the pilgrimage is over, I'm going to go away."
Auron heard Lulu's breath stop, and then become faster. He could practically feel the glare of her eyes burning into him, even in the darkness afforded by the fur.
"What?" That voice, previously husky, and welcoming, now had an undercurrent of murder.
"Please, listen." For the first time, the legendary guardian sounded unsure of himself, and a trifle daunted.
"What?" Lulu asked again.
Her hand came up to his, and her fingers tightened painfully over his. Auron was, for a moment, surprised at the strength in her petite grip.
"I am....an unsent.." Auron began slowly. He felt fear creep into his heart.
He knew that she had every right to cast him away, to slap him, and call him a liar, and to no longer want him near her. He knew it, but he was still terrified of it. But Auron did his best to conceal it. He didn't realize that the pain was showing in his good eye, and that his mouth had tightened with the reluctance of the telling.
Lulu's grip remained tight, and Auron cursed the darkness. He wished he could see those claret eyes, and divine what was going through her mind.
But at length, her grip relaxed, and then her hand fell away from his. Auron was surprised to feel a warm droplet fall on his wrist, and then another on his forearm.
She was crying.
There was the sound of a small, wracking sob, and then he felt her hands come up to cover her face.
"So, you're going to leave me too..."
"It is not that I want to. It is more that I should. That it would be the right thing to do."
The silence from Lulu did not give him any encouragement. Auron wrapped his arms around her, and pulled her tight against his chest. He felt her chest heaving, felt her crying.
"If I stay, I will be no better than Mika, than Seymour. Death should not rule life, and the dead should not be governed by the living. When Yuna sets things right, everything that is not natural should be set right as well. That includes the Unsent going to eternal rest in the Farplane."
The words pained him to say. He felt Lulu gasping against his chest. He felt his shirt going wet on the front from her tears. There were times that he hated having to do what was right.
"You cannot be selfish, just this once....?" Lulu's voice came soft, and broken, muffled from her face being pressed to his chest.
"I cannot. I have been selfish enough in this life. It is time for me to atone for my sins.."
Lulu was silent, save for her crying, and Auron held her, feeling very weak and powerless. He could not recall feeling so impotent since Braska and Jecht's sacrifice.
At great length, Lulu's arms went around his torso, and she lay her cheek against his chest. She drew breath, and spoke.
"I do not care that you are Unsent. I love you all the same."
"You are sleeping with a walking corpse."
Lulu seemed stunned for a second, but she quickly recovered her resolve, and set her lips.
"No, I am not. Death is the absence of spirit. Just like Chappu isn't truly dead, just like Braska isn't truly dead, just as High-Summoner Yocun isn't truly dead. Their spirits live on. And to twine with their spirits isn't sleeping with their corpses."
"How very macabre." Auron attempted to inject some humour in the situation, to lighten the mood. Call it a poor judgement call on his part.
Lulu did not laugh, but she did not reproach him either.
"I would wait for you." She said.
"You waited for Chappu. I would not have you waste your life waiting for me when you still have so much of it before you."
"There is nothing I can do or say to turn you from this path, is there?"
"I must do what is right. Otherwise, I am not only just like them...I AM them."
Lulu's arms tightened around him, and Auron's tightened around her.
"Then....just...hold me. Hold me while we sleep."
So Auron did. And while Lulu's sobs gradually halted, and she grew limp and heavy in his arms, he swore that he would do right by her.
He was going away. He could not leave her heartbroken. And the only thing he could think to do was to repair the rift between her and Wakka.
And here he was, alone beneath his own furs, where before Lulu would have been curled in the crook of his arm. It galled him to the bone, and the thing that made it worse was knowing that it was his own damn fault.
Wakka's fists clenched, and he ducked his head, pulled his fur tighter over his body.
The group had began their upward trek on Gagazet the previous day. The confrontation with the Ronsos had shaken everyone at first. But the positive outcome had heartened the group, and they began their journey to the other side of the mountain with renewed spirits.
When he put his personal feelings aside, and focused on Yuna's goal, Wakka could almost forget that it had been Lulu and Auron to talk the Ronsos down. He could almost ignore the way Lulu and Auron had become a bit more open about their relationship, now that Yuna had laid everything out in the open. Wakka pretended he didn't care, or that he didn't notice. But beneath it all, the knowledge was a black acid that was eating away his existance. The green-eyed monster was rotting him from within.
Was it evil of him, to wish for an all-powerful fiend in the trials ahead to devour Auron, and leave Lulu all alone? Wakka didn't even know if he wished it because he wanted Lulu for himself, or if he wished it because he knew that something happening to Auron would devastate Lulu. He was afraid that he wanted her spirit to be as crushed and as hurt as his was. He was afraid of his own pettiness.
Wakka wished things that he dare not even admit to himself. If anything were to happen to Lulu.....
No. He wouldn't allow himself to think that way. Wishing for one person's demise was quite enough, without wishing for two.
Resolutely, he rolled away from the group. Put his back to the fire, and to the circle of his companions.
'If I start to think this way, 'den I'm no better 'dan Seymour. Yuna be doin' this all for nothin'.'
He had......to force himself...to be the better man.
After all, for the first time since Chappu died, Lulu was happy. And that was a very good thing indeed.
*********************************
Beneath the warm furs, Auron's lips met Lulu's once more, and his fingers lingered on the slope of her breast.
These moments were sweet heaven to him, and he had not felt this way since before Braska's pilgrimage. Auron never would have thought that coming to guard Tidus on his way to free Jecht, that he'd fall in love. That the slim, frail black mage would be anything more to him than just a comrade.
But the thought of Jecht ruined the mood. Once Sin was defeated, and Jecht freed, the world must be righted as much as possible. That meant everyone being sent to the Farplane that should be. That meant him having to go. It wouldn't be right if he didn't go. It wouldn't be natural, the way things should be.
Lulu was giving her heart and her body to dead man. As much as he loved her, that....wasn't right, and Auron could not help but start thinking that perhaps he was defiling her, every time he entered her.
His hand spread out over her Lulu's chest, and he kissed her forehead.
"There is something I need to tell you."
"What is it?" Her voice was husky, placid.
"After the pilgrimage is over, I'm going to go away."
Auron heard Lulu's breath stop, and then become faster. He could practically feel the glare of her eyes burning into him, even in the darkness afforded by the fur.
"What?" That voice, previously husky, and welcoming, now had an undercurrent of murder.
"Please, listen." For the first time, the legendary guardian sounded unsure of himself, and a trifle daunted.
"What?" Lulu asked again.
Her hand came up to his, and her fingers tightened painfully over his. Auron was, for a moment, surprised at the strength in her petite grip.
"I am....an unsent.." Auron began slowly. He felt fear creep into his heart.
He knew that she had every right to cast him away, to slap him, and call him a liar, and to no longer want him near her. He knew it, but he was still terrified of it. But Auron did his best to conceal it. He didn't realize that the pain was showing in his good eye, and that his mouth had tightened with the reluctance of the telling.
Lulu's grip remained tight, and Auron cursed the darkness. He wished he could see those claret eyes, and divine what was going through her mind.
But at length, her grip relaxed, and then her hand fell away from his. Auron was surprised to feel a warm droplet fall on his wrist, and then another on his forearm.
She was crying.
There was the sound of a small, wracking sob, and then he felt her hands come up to cover her face.
"So, you're going to leave me too..."
"It is not that I want to. It is more that I should. That it would be the right thing to do."
The silence from Lulu did not give him any encouragement. Auron wrapped his arms around her, and pulled her tight against his chest. He felt her chest heaving, felt her crying.
"If I stay, I will be no better than Mika, than Seymour. Death should not rule life, and the dead should not be governed by the living. When Yuna sets things right, everything that is not natural should be set right as well. That includes the Unsent going to eternal rest in the Farplane."
The words pained him to say. He felt Lulu gasping against his chest. He felt his shirt going wet on the front from her tears. There were times that he hated having to do what was right.
"You cannot be selfish, just this once....?" Lulu's voice came soft, and broken, muffled from her face being pressed to his chest.
"I cannot. I have been selfish enough in this life. It is time for me to atone for my sins.."
Lulu was silent, save for her crying, and Auron held her, feeling very weak and powerless. He could not recall feeling so impotent since Braska and Jecht's sacrifice.
At great length, Lulu's arms went around his torso, and she lay her cheek against his chest. She drew breath, and spoke.
"I do not care that you are Unsent. I love you all the same."
"You are sleeping with a walking corpse."
Lulu seemed stunned for a second, but she quickly recovered her resolve, and set her lips.
"No, I am not. Death is the absence of spirit. Just like Chappu isn't truly dead, just like Braska isn't truly dead, just as High-Summoner Yocun isn't truly dead. Their spirits live on. And to twine with their spirits isn't sleeping with their corpses."
"How very macabre." Auron attempted to inject some humour in the situation, to lighten the mood. Call it a poor judgement call on his part.
Lulu did not laugh, but she did not reproach him either.
"I would wait for you." She said.
"You waited for Chappu. I would not have you waste your life waiting for me when you still have so much of it before you."
"There is nothing I can do or say to turn you from this path, is there?"
"I must do what is right. Otherwise, I am not only just like them...I AM them."
Lulu's arms tightened around him, and Auron's tightened around her.
"Then....just...hold me. Hold me while we sleep."
So Auron did. And while Lulu's sobs gradually halted, and she grew limp and heavy in his arms, he swore that he would do right by her.
He was going away. He could not leave her heartbroken. And the only thing he could think to do was to repair the rift between her and Wakka.