'THE SWORD OF DAMOCLES'
Author: Daenar Disclaimer: JAG is property of Belisarius Productions, CBS and Paramount Pictures. No copyright infringement intended.
Category: Vignette, episode follow-up to the season-9 cliffhanger 'Hail and Farewell' Rating: PG
Spoilers: Everything up to and including the whole of season 9. Summary: Just picking Harm's and Mac's conversation up where TPTB left off...
Author's note: This is not going to be a real cliffhanger wrap-up. This little piece is only supposed to set a few things straight so I can build another, longer story on the new situation. So don't expect any major events as to Harm's and Mac's relationship. I need to shelve the real shippiness for the adventure to come...
I didn't want too much time to pass between the episode and the story, so this hasn't been beta-read. Sorry for any mistakes.
May 21st, 2004 Admiral Chegwidden's Dining-Out Front Porch
There had been so many moments during the past eight years when he'd have wished to turn the clock back. Just a few seconds might have made the difference of a lifetime. Just a few seconds might have spared them so many heartaches.
And yet, he'd just done it again. Said the right thing at the wrong time. Harm would have given the world to be able to erase the past few seconds from existence. His last words – and her reaction.
Just how cruel could he be to the woman he loved? If she had or had not loved Clayton Webb didn't matter. Fact was that no man in his good sense would even remotely think about making an offer of the kind he had just made to a woman who was mourning the death of her boyfriend.
Harm had immediately realized his mistake, even before she had fully turned away her head. Now it hurt him to see that she actually seemed to be fighting tears. And once again, he was to blame.
Would things ever change? How could he possibly still cling to the hope that one day he might learn to make her happy, instead of making her sad?
"I'm sorry, I..." he began, looking down in utter exasperation. "I shouldn't have... I shouldn't have brought it up."
He lifted his eyes when he heard her sigh. Now it was Mac's turn to study her hands that were resting in her lap. Her voice was thoughtful and low when she spoke. "You know, men just seem to pass through my life," was her enigmatic statement that he didn't really know where to place until she went on in unusual openness, "Except for you."
While talking she had turned her head again to face him. Harm was surprised and relieved to find her composed, studying his features in what he would have described as melancholy contemplation. He waited.
He couldn't help the sudden surge of emotion that ran through his body when she caught him completely off guard with her next question, "Will you always be there?" It sounded like a plea she was afraid to voice.
Shifting slightly so he faced her, he replied like he had to Mattie. Three letters sufficed to bare his soul. "Yes." Still, he didn't dare hope that this time, the meaning would be clear to her. Why should things turn out any differently than they always had?
If possible, her look became more intense still. "Then you need to know what the doctor told me."
Time seemed to freeze around them. Although he had suspected it all along, her statement hit him like a hammer. She had received bad news. For once, they seemed to be on the same page – and already, a new enemy was threatening whatever he and Mac might have. An enemy that he most probably would be powerless against. The tone of her voice had already revealed that much to him.
He needed to connect with her. Without thinking, he reached out and laid is left hand on her right, never breaking the eye-contact, waiting in silence for her to read out the verdict.
"Cervix carcinoma," she whispered, looking down again and squeezing his hand as if to reassure herself that he was really being there, as he had promised he would. "Past the early stage. Not necessarily life-threatening yet, but serious."
The silence that followed weighed on his soul like massive rock. Cancer. And they had wasted so much time. He had wasted so much time.
"What are the doctors going to do about it?" was all he asked, sounding a little breathless. His thumb began to stroke the skin on the back of her hand. He longed to pull her close and never let her go, but didn't dare. In a situation like hers, she needed to set the pace for them to come close. The only thing he could do was let her feel he was still there.
When her eyes met his again, her gaze was full of grief. "They don't know yet," she explained, her voice still barely audible. "They've left me two options. Surgery is unavoidable. I can have only the tumor removed, so I could still have children. But the risk of a relapse is considerable. In that case, I might even need chemotherapy. And even if I should become pregnant, the child is likely to be born way too early because the uterus won't close properly to support the weight. The other option is a complete removal of the uterus."
His reaction was almost vegetative. Fear made the words rush out even before he had mentally processed them. "Let them remove it completely, Mac. Choose the safer option."
For a moment, her expression was one of pure shock. "But I could never have a child, Harm," she eventually choked out, still clinging to his hand. "I could never have your child."
Again, he wanted to slap himself. "God, I'm sorry, Mac... I..." He took a deep breath. "That's entirely for you to decide. I... My opinion doesn't matter."
"I thought you said the offer was still open," she said, and he felt her hand starting to tremble. "Did you say that just to do me a favor?"
"No!" he immediately contradicted, trying to make his gaze reflect what was in his heart. "No, I said that because... because I'd like for us to follow through."
"Then why did you tell me to do full surgery?"
Her expression showed such deep helplessness and insecurity that Harm couldn't hold himself back from cupping her face with his free hand. He immediately felt her lean into his touch. "Because of what I told you three years ago," he answered. "What I want most is to never lose you. I'm too scared that might happen if we took any risks just to have a child. But again – that's for you to decide."
She swallowed. "Things could get rough. I can't ask of you to take care of me if that happens."
"I told you I'd always be there," he reaffirmed what he had promised earlier. "No matter what you decide and no matter the outcome."
A small sob made her shoulders shake and she placed a light kiss on his palm. "Do you think you can cope with the situation, never to know when and how things might get worse? Will you be able to live with the sword of Damocles?"
Leaning in, he tenderly kissed her forehead, all the time trying to show a strength he didn't really feel but knew she needed to see in him. "If having you with me is what I get in return – yes."
More words would still be needed – but right now, neither felt inclined to walk down that road. It had taken them far too long to arrive at this point. For the time being, they would simply enjoy that they had, for the first time in their lives, reached a complete mutual understanding. Right now, they longed to cherish the present. Their future would be revealed to them soon enough.
At least, they wouldn't have to face it on their own.
THE END
Author: Daenar Disclaimer: JAG is property of Belisarius Productions, CBS and Paramount Pictures. No copyright infringement intended.
Category: Vignette, episode follow-up to the season-9 cliffhanger 'Hail and Farewell' Rating: PG
Spoilers: Everything up to and including the whole of season 9. Summary: Just picking Harm's and Mac's conversation up where TPTB left off...
Author's note: This is not going to be a real cliffhanger wrap-up. This little piece is only supposed to set a few things straight so I can build another, longer story on the new situation. So don't expect any major events as to Harm's and Mac's relationship. I need to shelve the real shippiness for the adventure to come...
I didn't want too much time to pass between the episode and the story, so this hasn't been beta-read. Sorry for any mistakes.
May 21st, 2004 Admiral Chegwidden's Dining-Out Front Porch
There had been so many moments during the past eight years when he'd have wished to turn the clock back. Just a few seconds might have made the difference of a lifetime. Just a few seconds might have spared them so many heartaches.
And yet, he'd just done it again. Said the right thing at the wrong time. Harm would have given the world to be able to erase the past few seconds from existence. His last words – and her reaction.
Just how cruel could he be to the woman he loved? If she had or had not loved Clayton Webb didn't matter. Fact was that no man in his good sense would even remotely think about making an offer of the kind he had just made to a woman who was mourning the death of her boyfriend.
Harm had immediately realized his mistake, even before she had fully turned away her head. Now it hurt him to see that she actually seemed to be fighting tears. And once again, he was to blame.
Would things ever change? How could he possibly still cling to the hope that one day he might learn to make her happy, instead of making her sad?
"I'm sorry, I..." he began, looking down in utter exasperation. "I shouldn't have... I shouldn't have brought it up."
He lifted his eyes when he heard her sigh. Now it was Mac's turn to study her hands that were resting in her lap. Her voice was thoughtful and low when she spoke. "You know, men just seem to pass through my life," was her enigmatic statement that he didn't really know where to place until she went on in unusual openness, "Except for you."
While talking she had turned her head again to face him. Harm was surprised and relieved to find her composed, studying his features in what he would have described as melancholy contemplation. He waited.
He couldn't help the sudden surge of emotion that ran through his body when she caught him completely off guard with her next question, "Will you always be there?" It sounded like a plea she was afraid to voice.
Shifting slightly so he faced her, he replied like he had to Mattie. Three letters sufficed to bare his soul. "Yes." Still, he didn't dare hope that this time, the meaning would be clear to her. Why should things turn out any differently than they always had?
If possible, her look became more intense still. "Then you need to know what the doctor told me."
Time seemed to freeze around them. Although he had suspected it all along, her statement hit him like a hammer. She had received bad news. For once, they seemed to be on the same page – and already, a new enemy was threatening whatever he and Mac might have. An enemy that he most probably would be powerless against. The tone of her voice had already revealed that much to him.
He needed to connect with her. Without thinking, he reached out and laid is left hand on her right, never breaking the eye-contact, waiting in silence for her to read out the verdict.
"Cervix carcinoma," she whispered, looking down again and squeezing his hand as if to reassure herself that he was really being there, as he had promised he would. "Past the early stage. Not necessarily life-threatening yet, but serious."
The silence that followed weighed on his soul like massive rock. Cancer. And they had wasted so much time. He had wasted so much time.
"What are the doctors going to do about it?" was all he asked, sounding a little breathless. His thumb began to stroke the skin on the back of her hand. He longed to pull her close and never let her go, but didn't dare. In a situation like hers, she needed to set the pace for them to come close. The only thing he could do was let her feel he was still there.
When her eyes met his again, her gaze was full of grief. "They don't know yet," she explained, her voice still barely audible. "They've left me two options. Surgery is unavoidable. I can have only the tumor removed, so I could still have children. But the risk of a relapse is considerable. In that case, I might even need chemotherapy. And even if I should become pregnant, the child is likely to be born way too early because the uterus won't close properly to support the weight. The other option is a complete removal of the uterus."
His reaction was almost vegetative. Fear made the words rush out even before he had mentally processed them. "Let them remove it completely, Mac. Choose the safer option."
For a moment, her expression was one of pure shock. "But I could never have a child, Harm," she eventually choked out, still clinging to his hand. "I could never have your child."
Again, he wanted to slap himself. "God, I'm sorry, Mac... I..." He took a deep breath. "That's entirely for you to decide. I... My opinion doesn't matter."
"I thought you said the offer was still open," she said, and he felt her hand starting to tremble. "Did you say that just to do me a favor?"
"No!" he immediately contradicted, trying to make his gaze reflect what was in his heart. "No, I said that because... because I'd like for us to follow through."
"Then why did you tell me to do full surgery?"
Her expression showed such deep helplessness and insecurity that Harm couldn't hold himself back from cupping her face with his free hand. He immediately felt her lean into his touch. "Because of what I told you three years ago," he answered. "What I want most is to never lose you. I'm too scared that might happen if we took any risks just to have a child. But again – that's for you to decide."
She swallowed. "Things could get rough. I can't ask of you to take care of me if that happens."
"I told you I'd always be there," he reaffirmed what he had promised earlier. "No matter what you decide and no matter the outcome."
A small sob made her shoulders shake and she placed a light kiss on his palm. "Do you think you can cope with the situation, never to know when and how things might get worse? Will you be able to live with the sword of Damocles?"
Leaning in, he tenderly kissed her forehead, all the time trying to show a strength he didn't really feel but knew she needed to see in him. "If having you with me is what I get in return – yes."
More words would still be needed – but right now, neither felt inclined to walk down that road. It had taken them far too long to arrive at this point. For the time being, they would simply enjoy that they had, for the first time in their lives, reached a complete mutual understanding. Right now, they longed to cherish the present. Their future would be revealed to them soon enough.
At least, they wouldn't have to face it on their own.
THE END