Disclaimer : I don't own Jay and Silent Bob, or the song Teardrop by Massive Attack or Hurt by NIN ( much to my great distress ).
TEARDROP ON THE FIRE
~~~~~~~~~~
Love, love is a verb
Love is a doing word
Fearless on my breath
Gentle impulsion
Shakes me, makes me lighter
Fearless on my breath
~~~~~~~~~~
Jay had remembered when things had been so much simpler in life. Back in the days when the only things he'd had to worry about were dealing, getting chicks every now and then, getting wasted, and his hair. He'd never had to really worry about paying bills or buying groceries or things to that effect - Silent Bob dealed with all that kinda shit.
Nothing in Jay's life had been especially deep. Even when he'd lived with his junkie parents as a kid he hadn't had to worry too much, seeing as his best friend Bobby lived just upstairs with his more normal parents, who were always willing to look after Jay if things got too intense.
But now things were getting intense for Jay again. He hadn't had to worry about anything too strentuous for a long time, but now the old pain was back, and in a horrible new tangent.
With all his previous problems, Bob had been there. He had been able to help Jay through whatever was the matter. But now the usually care-free Jay was all alone, nursing a problem that was much too lonely and felt far too grown up for him to take.
But here he was, sitting with his head hung and holding a half empty bottle of JD in the living room in the apartment that he and Bob shared.
Fuck.
Fuck, this was too hard. Fuckin' too big for Jay to handle. He'd never had this feeling before. He'd known it had existed, and that it was meant to be the most incredible fuckin' feeling on the planet.
But it wasn't. It was torturing him, and had been ever since the beginning of last year, on New Years Eve, when a drunken glance had turned into a desperate stare. When Jay had looked too fuckin' deep and had seen something that he wanted all for himself, something so desperate and single-minded that he knew that it wasn't ever gonna go away.
Jay took another gulp of whiskey and shuddered. Fuckin' Jack. He'd never really liked it but drank it for drinking's sake. He needed to get drunk - he needed to get so wasted that for a while he'd forget his problems and just fall into an unconcious sleep.
The room was getting kinda hazy now. Jay could feel his head start to loll slightly to the side. He burped.
// Maybe I should lie down....// Jay thought to himself groggily.
He lay his head down on the couch and pulled his knees up to his chest. He held them there and felt his head swim. Jay started to feel sick... Jack always had a shitty effect on him. He thought about getting up, but the bathroom felt miles away, so he stayed where he was.
//If I get sick, I fuckin' get sick. Like it fuckin' matters anyway.//
Jay lay there for what seemed like hours. Eventually the drink started to wear off him, and that horrible newly sober feeling drifted over him.
Jay pulled himself up from his position on the couch and stared miserably round the apartment. He picked up the remote and started to flick idly through the channels. Nothing was fuckin' on. He got up and paced boredly around the place, stopping once to look at his reflection in a mirror.
He looked alright. His hair was still shiny from washing a few days ago, hanging in lazy golden waves down his back. His eyes had dark shadows under them, but the dark green of them was still kinda nice. His skin could've looked better, but he guessed that was his own fault. Drinking always left him looking less than his best. With a slightly aggravated sigh, he walked away from the mirror and into the kitchen.
Jay fiddled with the radio stations for a while until he finally found something that he liked. He sat down at the table and lay his head against the hard wooden surface, letting the music drone into his skull. It started to hurt, the aftermath of the alcohol kicking in, and Jay switched the radio off.
Then, without warning, without even thinking, angry and despairing tears started to flow down Jay's face and onto the grubby surface of the table. Jay didn't even move - he just sat there crying, letting the tears drain out of him.
He cried until he felt there was no fluid left in his thin, pale body. His eyes felt small and his skin stung from the tears.
//You fuckin' bastard ... you fat fuckin' useless fuck ... you did this to me. You made it so fuckin' painful. You made me like this. I hate you ... I fuckin' hate you. Why did everything have to be this way? Why did it all have to get so fuckin' complicated? Why the shit did it have to happen to me?//
Jay's thoughts raged. It was so fuckin' painful. That fat fuckin' piece of shit was screwing up his thoughts more than he imagined anything ever could and it wasn't fair.
It just wasn't fuckin' fair.
He buried his face in his hands and shook with tearless violent sobs that wracked his thin frame. He gritted his teeth and punched the table hard. His hand throbbed with pain, which he felt grateful for, as it almost took away some of the pain that was currently eating away at him.
Suddenly Jay heard the click of a key in the lock of the apartment door. His heart thumped madly against his ribs as he desperately tried to hide the fact that he'd been hysterically crying only minutes before. A terrible wave of panic overtook him, and Jay blundered about the kitchen trying to hide the empty whiskey bottle that he'd moved from the lounge, trying to mask the smell of alcohol that came off him, trying to hide his red, raw eyes.
Eventually, Jay realised that there was no point in hiding his misery. It was blantant, no matter how hard he tried to mask it. He slumped back into a chair in the kitchen, feeling physically and emotionally exhausted.
Bob walked into the kitchen carrying a paper bag of groceries from the Quick-Stop, to see Jay sitting hunched over in a chair, his eyes bloodshot, his face tearstained and trembling like a child. Bob blinked, taken aback by Jay's haggard appearance. He tilted his head, trying to get a good look at Jay's face, hoping his eyes were playing tricks on him and that Jay wasn't looking as terrible as he appeared.
''Jay?''said Bob.
Jay didn't even raise his head, let alone acknowledge and reply to Bob.
''Jay?''
Still no reply.
Bob put the groceries down gingerly on the counter by the sink and pulled up a chair next to the oddly-silent Jay. He peered at the young blond man, his dark eyes full of worry and concern.
Jay squeezed his green eyes together in misery, desperately trying not to look at Bob's face - the very face that was causing him all this fuckin' grief. He wound his hand into a fist, squeezing so hard that his knuckles went white. Out of the corner of his eye, Jay saw Bob's eyes widen in shock.
Bob took a deep breath, preparing to speak for a duration longer than one or two words - something he wasn't used to doing.
''Jay....c'mon man...tell me what's wrong. It sucks seeing you like this, man.''
Jay shuddered, and Bob couldn't tell whether it was with emotion or just rage. He blinked.
Jay turned his face towards Bob with terrible hesistancy. His eyes were red with tears and his lower lip was shaking against his will. Bob looked really shocked now and Jay relished the expression on the fat fuck's face with a sick pleasure. He was glad that he was making Bob hurt, even if it was nowhere near to how shit Jay felt at this present moment.
''Jay, tell me what's wrong.'' There was a slight quiver in Bob's voice as he looked at the strange expression in Jay's eyes.
Jay's face twisted into a horrible smile and he moved his face barely an inch apart from Bob's. He lips curled into a snarl and he hissed, ''Go fuck yourself.'' and stormed out of the kitchen and straight into his room, where Bob heard the door slam shut, then the click of the lock. Bob felt the bile in his stomach writhe like snakes. He swallowed, numbed by Jay and his sudden viciousness. He was used to Jay having random outbursts, but they were never cruel or truly angry or bitter or vicious like Jay had just acted.
Bob left the kitchen and stood for a moment outside Jay's locked door. He thought about banging on the door and pleading with Jay to talk to him, to tell him what was making him so angry, but he decided against it. He figured it would be a better plan to let Jay cool down for a while.
But there was something about Jay this time that made Bob edgy. There had been a look in his eyes... it was bothered him. He'd never seen that look before. Bob took off his hat and ran a slightly shaking hand through his dark hair. Something about this situation felt terribly wrong. He hated seeing Jay this way - it hurt... like he was being stabbed in the heart with a poison dagger.
It was a terrible feeling to have - one that he had deciphered long ago.
//No, no... you're not thinking about that, Bobby,// snapped a little voice in his head. //Don't go down that road again. Block it out, like you always have. Like you always will. Unless you're being a sentimental fuck again...//
Bob shook his head and turned to go back into the lounge. With one last wistful look in the direction of Jay's room, he turned the T.V. on but only half-watched it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my breath
Nine night of matter
Black flowers blossom
Fearless on my breath
Black flowers blossom
Fearless on my breath
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jay lay on his bed, his golden hair splayed out around his face. His face was set like stone, tear-streaked again. His mouth was set so tightly it had become nothing but a bloodless line. His mind was overflowing with thought. Surely Bob had worked out what was wrong with him. He was cleverer than Jay, and Jay knew it as well as anyone.
And if he hadn't worked it out?
Well then, he was a stupid, fat fuck.
But he wasn't a stupid fat fuck, Jay's mind argued blindly. He was kind and strong and had always been there for him. He was beautiful and Jay felt that anyone who couldn't see that was fucking stupid. Bob was amazing. Jay felt the angry tears fill up his eyes again.
Bob was all he wanted.
And everything he could never have.
The cold expression on his pale face broke and Jay's face became contorted with pain. He turned over and gave a howl of misery, muffled into his pillow.
Lyrics from an old Nine Inch Nails song sprang into Jay's mind from nowhere. He mouthed them soundlessly into nothingness.
''You could have it all... my empire of dirt... I will let you down... I will make you hurt.''
Jay turned back over and stared bleakly at his ceiling. Fuck. He couldn't take this pain anymore. It was agony. It was ripping him apart. He wanted so badly to tell Bob how he really felt but he knew that if he did it'd totally fuck up everything.
As if everything wasn't fucked up enough as it was...
Jay stumbled from his room, keeping his gaze on his feet, and shuffled quickly into the bathroom, making sure he'd locked the door straight away. He heard Bob rise from the couch and started to shake.
There was only one thing to do. He couldn't let Bob interfere and fuck it up. He had to be a man. He had to do this...
It would make everything so much easier.
Jay was getting sick of the tears that kept blinding his vision, but he patted around blindly inside the cabinet anyway. Finally his shaking hands closed around a small white bottle. He gave it a little shake to check that it was the right one. The rattling of pills greeted him and he knew that it was. Jay roughly brushed away the tears from his stinging green eyes and stared at the bottle of pills. He slowly unscrewed the cap and peered inside. There were roughly about fifty pills. It was enough to get the fuckin' job done.
With one final look at the door, where outside Bob was sitting, Jay swallowed fifteen pills.
The taste was terrible. Jay groped for a glass and turned the tap on. When the glass was full, he swallowed other fifteen, then some water to wash them down quicker. Then another fifteen, followed by a final ten. Jay gulped some more water, then fell to the floor with a loud thump.
He heard Bob say, ''Jay? What's happening in there?''
He started to feel drowsy.
Lying there on the floor, a whirlwind of thoughts flew through Jay's mind, that was slipping further and further into unconciousness.
//Everything... it's fuckin' over... fuckin' over... I'm dying, I'm dying, I'm gonna die... holy shit man... I can't feel myself, but I can still feel the pain, all of it. Holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck.. I'm sorry.. I'm so sorry, if anyone'll miss me I'm sorry. S' going...s' all going so fast.. I'm dead, gone, fucked... so sorry... I'm so sorry, Bob... miss you so fuckin' bad... it's all...so over..//
And then, just before the darkness overcame him, one single clear thought ran through Jay's brain.
//I love you, Bob.//
And then, nothing.
~~~~~~~~~
Bob had heard the loud thump in the bathroom, like the sound of someone falling flat on their ass. He got up from the couch and knocked on the door.
''Jay? What's happening in there?''
He hadn't gotten a reply. Worse still, there hadn't been any sound of Jay moving in there, or breathing or anything. After about five minutes, Bob began to panic. Something was very wrong. Usually Jay was a bag of nervous energy, particularly when he was angry or upset.
Bob banged the door again, harder this time. ''Jay! Open the door!''
Nothing.
Bob felt beads of cold sweat starting to form on his forehead. This wasn't fuckin' right. He knelt down and peered through the keyhole.
He could see hardly anything through there.
Suddenly his eye caught on the corner of Jay's foot. Jay was lying face-down on the floor. Near Jay's foot was a near-empty bottle of painkillers. It must have rolled there when Jay had dropped it.
Bob heart quickened to the same rate as a mouse's, and with a mad terror, he tried to break down the door. After a few well aimed kicks, the door flew open, and Bob saw Jay lying on his stomach, bits of chewed-up pills on his face held by drool.
''Jay!'' Bob wailed, turning Jay onto his back and shaking him roughly. ''Jay!!''
Jay's thin body was totally limp. He was very cold and his eyes had rolled into the back of his skull. Bob felt like he was going to throw up with horror.
''Fucking wake up!!''
Bob shook Jay again but he still seemed dead. He grabbed the blond's wrist and groped desperately for a pulse. He felt himself come crashing back down to earth when he felt a feeble beat in Jay's wrist.
//Thank God... he's alive... he's still alive...// thought Bob, feeling the wave of panic lessen a little.
Then a horrible little voice in the back of his mind hissed, ''But he could die any second.''
Bob ran full speed from the bathroom and called an ambulance, the terror of losing Jay like glass and nails in his stomach. He dashed back to be with Jay, holding him in his arms, telling him that it'd all be ok, that he'd be fine.
Bob couldn't even believe his own words and his heart broke for it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my breath
Water is my eye
Most faithful mirror
Fearless on my breath
Teardrop on the fire of a confession
Fearless on my breath
Most faithful mirror
Fearless on my breath
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The ambulance arrived within ten minutes, a time horribly stretched with panic and fear. Jay was taken away, with Bob in the back of the ambulance with him, trying to touch him, to stroke his hair and whisper words of comfort that the unconcious boy couldn't hear, but the paramedics were already working on him, putting tubes down his throat and up his nose. They were destroying Jay's fragile beauty and Bob couldn't watch. He turned his head away, vision clouded with petrified tears that fell down his face like lumps of rock.
In the backround, Bob could hear the medical jargon being thrown around, but it sounded a million miles away. He was so numbed by the fact that Jay had tried to kill himself that he couldn't move, couldn't speak and couldn't hear. The shock overwhelmed his body and he felt like he could do nothing but spiral into the gaping void of misery that was slowly opening up before him.
Eventually they reached the hospital and Jay was wheeled away on a stretcher. Bob was instructed not to follow, as Jay was going to have his stomach pumped, and it wasn't something that Bob should try to get involved in.
Bob's guts had swollen and writhed with fury when the young nurse had told him that.
''I'm sorry, sir, but you can't be with your friend right now. The doctors are working on him,''the girl had said, looking at him with that expression of sympathy that those in the medical profession were taught to use in attempt to instill a sense of hope in the hopeless.
''But I need to know how he is!''Bob had protested.
//You fucking bitch... let me see him... I need to be with him!// Bob thought desperately, rage flying through his veins, though cleverly concealed.
The nurse put a sympathetic hand on his arm, although it was a discreet gesture to show that she was in charge of the situation, and not Bob.
''When we know his condition you can come and see him,''she said. ''Besides, you'll have to answer some questions for the hospital to put on file.''
Bob thought about arguing but sensing his own defeat, nodded and sat down near where Jay had been taken.
Hours seemed to pass like minutes as Bob pored over every single fucking thing that he and Jay had ever done together... ever since they had been kids they had been inseperable, and now the thought that he and Jay might be finally seperated forever chilled Bob to the core. He couldn't imagine a life without Jay - his intolerable, bright, excitable, foul-mouthed, beautiful Jay.
//I might never see him alive again.... the next time I might see him is under a white sheet or in a coffin... fuck... fuck...Jay, don't do this to me. Don't you dare fuckin' leave me all alone... I won't let you die. You can't die on me now... not now. Not ever. Jay, you're bigger than this. Please fuckin' pull through. Pull through, even if it's just for me. I don't know how to feel this way about anyone but you, 'cos you're the only person I ever loved, man. Don't die. Don't you fuckin' die.//
Bob closed his eyes and put his head in his hands. He blocked out the world. All he could see, feel, need was Jay.
Jay with his long golden hair. Jay and his bright green eyes. Jay and his fast, foul mouth. Jay and that cold, broken look in his eyes when you mentioned his parents. Jay and the smile he had on his face whenever Bob came through the door. Jay and his constantly tapping feet. Jay and his pale, lanky, beautiful body...
Jay, Jay, Jay... fuckin' Jay.
A choked sob escaped Bob's throat as he saw in his mind the vibrant, infectiously hyperactive Jay lying cold and still on a bed, a white sheet being drawn slowly and noiselessly over his stark white face. His eyes were closed, a tiny trickle of blood ran from his nose, his lips were horribly pale. The doctors were all shaking their heads sadly... another young life taken away. They would forget Jay soon enough - they would forget his beautiful wavy hair and his eyes and his face. They would have never known him.
Bob imagined his own grief at losing Jay, the only thing he'd ever truly loved. He saw himself walking slowly back to their apartment, frozen tears in his eyes, then walking to the back of his room. He saw himself open the closet door and finding the gun that himself and Jay had always kept, just in case, and then pointing it at his temple and blowing his skull halfway across the room in a firework of blood and skull and brains.
Bob wasn't sure how much time had passed when the young nurse came back.
''Sir?''she said.
Bob's head snapped up and he looked at her with a desperate gaze.
''You can come and see your friend now,''she continued. ''He's in a stable condition, but he's very weak and very disturbed.''
Bob nodded, feeling a tidal wave of relief hit him. Jay was ok... Jay was alive... Jay wasn't going to die.
Bob followed the nurse to the room that Jay was recovering in. She opened the door for him and gave him a quick smile, then left.
Bob was horrified at the state Jay was in. He had obviously only recently regained conciousness and was staring into space. There was a needle in his hand that was attached to a drip. He looked like death, his face pale and drawn, his eyes hollow and emotionless, his body weak and frail. Bob just stared for a moment, aghast. He couldn't believe that this shadow of a man infront of him was Jay. It broke his heart.
Slowly, Jay turned his head to look at Bob. His face was blank. He blinked twice, then turned away again, his brow furrowed as if he was trying not to cry, or wishing that Bob wasn't there.
Bob sat down next to Jay, still appalled at the state of his best friend. He tried to think of something to say but no words seemed good enough to comfort Jay, who had tried to kill himself only hours earlier. The two of them were silent for what felt like an age. Then finally, Jay spoke.
''Why did you save me?''he said. His voice was hoarse, and every word sounded like an effort. ''Why did you'se fuckin' save me, Lunchbox? I wanted to fuckin' die... why couldn't you just fuckin' see that, you dumb fat fuck?'' Jay's tired voice became more and more full with venom with each word. ''Why couldn't you'se have just let it alone, huh?''
Bob was once again at a loss for words. He didn't look away from Jay's pale, contemptous face for a second. Jay stared back at him with those green eyes that were slowly filling with angry tears. Soon, Jay had to turn away. He'd always hated looking weak infront of people. His lower lip was shaking as Jay desperately surpressed the urge to cry until his heart burst in his chest. Eventually Jay turned his head back to look Bob right in those calm brown eyes of his.
''Why?''he hissed again.
Bob looked right back into Jay's eyes. They were angry and indignant and desperate. Bob opened his mouth, closed it again, then finally found his voice.
''I saved you because you're my best friend, Jay,''Bob said softly. ''I care about you more than anyone else.''
Jay snorted derisively. ''Your best fuckin' friend...''
Bob raised an eyebrow. //What the...?//
Suddenly a torrent of anger spewed from Jay's mouth. It wasn't as loud as he would've liked because he was so weak, but the venom in his voice got the point across.
''You stupid fuckin' tubby bitch!'' Jay cried, seemingly appalled. ''You don't fuckin' get it, do you? Man...I thought you were smart! Shows how fuckin' wrong I was, thinking that a dumb fat asshole like you was fuckin' intelligent! If you still don't understand then you must be even stupider than me.'' Jay paused for breath, shaking with disgust, disbelief and pain. ''You wanna know why I tried to kill myself, Bob? You wanna fuckin' know? I'll fuckin' tell you'se. Then you'll finally understand, you tubby bitch.''
Jay paused again, short of breath. He felt very weak and tired but he knew that he had to say something. His entire being hated the thought of finally telling Bob his feelings, but he knew that he couldn't rest until the deed was done.
Jay gave a shuddering sigh and dropped his gaze. He couldn't bear to look at Bob's face anymore because it hurt so much. He didn't want to see Bob's reaction to what he was about to say.
Another sigh. ''I did what I did because....'' Jay swallowed, and a slight blush appeared on his face despite his ill state. ''I did it because I'm in love with you.''
Bob felt his entire body freeze with shock. He looked at the expression on Jay's face - one of mingled sorrow and relief. Jay's eyes were closed. He was shaking slightly. It was then that Bob realised that he was shaking too. A whirlwind of thoughts raced through Bob's head, none of them making much sense. He opened his mouth to speak, but Jay caught sight of this and raised his hand.
''Don't speak. Just... just leave, man.'' Jay's face was terribly sad. He shut his eyes even tighter than before, and several tears slipped soundlessly down his face, leaving a slight stain on the blanket.
Bob didn't want to leave. Jay could tell by the expression on his face when he eventually stole a glance at the one being he loved more than anything in the world.
''Bob, just leave, man. Please.'' There was a definite note of desperation in Jay's voice. He looked older all of a sudden, like an old man. Bob gave a sigh, nodded and stood up to leave. With pained eyes, Jay watched Bob leave. His throat burned from wanting to cry.
Jay waited until Bob was out of the room, before he laid his golden head back down on his pillow.
Then he wept like a child.
~~~~~~~~~
Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my breath
Stumbling a little
Stumbling a little....
~~~~~~~~~
My first Jay/Bob fic. :-S ..... Sorry if it's not quite up to standard, but what can I say? I love Jay and Bob fics. :-).... hetero-lifemates, my arse.
Anyway, thanks for reading, and thanks even more if you've decided to review. Until the next chapter.....adios.
Lux Aeterna
x
TEARDROP ON THE FIRE
~~~~~~~~~~
Love, love is a verb
Love is a doing word
Fearless on my breath
Gentle impulsion
Shakes me, makes me lighter
Fearless on my breath
~~~~~~~~~~
Jay had remembered when things had been so much simpler in life. Back in the days when the only things he'd had to worry about were dealing, getting chicks every now and then, getting wasted, and his hair. He'd never had to really worry about paying bills or buying groceries or things to that effect - Silent Bob dealed with all that kinda shit.
Nothing in Jay's life had been especially deep. Even when he'd lived with his junkie parents as a kid he hadn't had to worry too much, seeing as his best friend Bobby lived just upstairs with his more normal parents, who were always willing to look after Jay if things got too intense.
But now things were getting intense for Jay again. He hadn't had to worry about anything too strentuous for a long time, but now the old pain was back, and in a horrible new tangent.
With all his previous problems, Bob had been there. He had been able to help Jay through whatever was the matter. But now the usually care-free Jay was all alone, nursing a problem that was much too lonely and felt far too grown up for him to take.
But here he was, sitting with his head hung and holding a half empty bottle of JD in the living room in the apartment that he and Bob shared.
Fuck.
Fuck, this was too hard. Fuckin' too big for Jay to handle. He'd never had this feeling before. He'd known it had existed, and that it was meant to be the most incredible fuckin' feeling on the planet.
But it wasn't. It was torturing him, and had been ever since the beginning of last year, on New Years Eve, when a drunken glance had turned into a desperate stare. When Jay had looked too fuckin' deep and had seen something that he wanted all for himself, something so desperate and single-minded that he knew that it wasn't ever gonna go away.
Jay took another gulp of whiskey and shuddered. Fuckin' Jack. He'd never really liked it but drank it for drinking's sake. He needed to get drunk - he needed to get so wasted that for a while he'd forget his problems and just fall into an unconcious sleep.
The room was getting kinda hazy now. Jay could feel his head start to loll slightly to the side. He burped.
// Maybe I should lie down....// Jay thought to himself groggily.
He lay his head down on the couch and pulled his knees up to his chest. He held them there and felt his head swim. Jay started to feel sick... Jack always had a shitty effect on him. He thought about getting up, but the bathroom felt miles away, so he stayed where he was.
//If I get sick, I fuckin' get sick. Like it fuckin' matters anyway.//
Jay lay there for what seemed like hours. Eventually the drink started to wear off him, and that horrible newly sober feeling drifted over him.
Jay pulled himself up from his position on the couch and stared miserably round the apartment. He picked up the remote and started to flick idly through the channels. Nothing was fuckin' on. He got up and paced boredly around the place, stopping once to look at his reflection in a mirror.
He looked alright. His hair was still shiny from washing a few days ago, hanging in lazy golden waves down his back. His eyes had dark shadows under them, but the dark green of them was still kinda nice. His skin could've looked better, but he guessed that was his own fault. Drinking always left him looking less than his best. With a slightly aggravated sigh, he walked away from the mirror and into the kitchen.
Jay fiddled with the radio stations for a while until he finally found something that he liked. He sat down at the table and lay his head against the hard wooden surface, letting the music drone into his skull. It started to hurt, the aftermath of the alcohol kicking in, and Jay switched the radio off.
Then, without warning, without even thinking, angry and despairing tears started to flow down Jay's face and onto the grubby surface of the table. Jay didn't even move - he just sat there crying, letting the tears drain out of him.
He cried until he felt there was no fluid left in his thin, pale body. His eyes felt small and his skin stung from the tears.
//You fuckin' bastard ... you fat fuckin' useless fuck ... you did this to me. You made it so fuckin' painful. You made me like this. I hate you ... I fuckin' hate you. Why did everything have to be this way? Why did it all have to get so fuckin' complicated? Why the shit did it have to happen to me?//
Jay's thoughts raged. It was so fuckin' painful. That fat fuckin' piece of shit was screwing up his thoughts more than he imagined anything ever could and it wasn't fair.
It just wasn't fuckin' fair.
He buried his face in his hands and shook with tearless violent sobs that wracked his thin frame. He gritted his teeth and punched the table hard. His hand throbbed with pain, which he felt grateful for, as it almost took away some of the pain that was currently eating away at him.
Suddenly Jay heard the click of a key in the lock of the apartment door. His heart thumped madly against his ribs as he desperately tried to hide the fact that he'd been hysterically crying only minutes before. A terrible wave of panic overtook him, and Jay blundered about the kitchen trying to hide the empty whiskey bottle that he'd moved from the lounge, trying to mask the smell of alcohol that came off him, trying to hide his red, raw eyes.
Eventually, Jay realised that there was no point in hiding his misery. It was blantant, no matter how hard he tried to mask it. He slumped back into a chair in the kitchen, feeling physically and emotionally exhausted.
Bob walked into the kitchen carrying a paper bag of groceries from the Quick-Stop, to see Jay sitting hunched over in a chair, his eyes bloodshot, his face tearstained and trembling like a child. Bob blinked, taken aback by Jay's haggard appearance. He tilted his head, trying to get a good look at Jay's face, hoping his eyes were playing tricks on him and that Jay wasn't looking as terrible as he appeared.
''Jay?''said Bob.
Jay didn't even raise his head, let alone acknowledge and reply to Bob.
''Jay?''
Still no reply.
Bob put the groceries down gingerly on the counter by the sink and pulled up a chair next to the oddly-silent Jay. He peered at the young blond man, his dark eyes full of worry and concern.
Jay squeezed his green eyes together in misery, desperately trying not to look at Bob's face - the very face that was causing him all this fuckin' grief. He wound his hand into a fist, squeezing so hard that his knuckles went white. Out of the corner of his eye, Jay saw Bob's eyes widen in shock.
Bob took a deep breath, preparing to speak for a duration longer than one or two words - something he wasn't used to doing.
''Jay....c'mon man...tell me what's wrong. It sucks seeing you like this, man.''
Jay shuddered, and Bob couldn't tell whether it was with emotion or just rage. He blinked.
Jay turned his face towards Bob with terrible hesistancy. His eyes were red with tears and his lower lip was shaking against his will. Bob looked really shocked now and Jay relished the expression on the fat fuck's face with a sick pleasure. He was glad that he was making Bob hurt, even if it was nowhere near to how shit Jay felt at this present moment.
''Jay, tell me what's wrong.'' There was a slight quiver in Bob's voice as he looked at the strange expression in Jay's eyes.
Jay's face twisted into a horrible smile and he moved his face barely an inch apart from Bob's. He lips curled into a snarl and he hissed, ''Go fuck yourself.'' and stormed out of the kitchen and straight into his room, where Bob heard the door slam shut, then the click of the lock. Bob felt the bile in his stomach writhe like snakes. He swallowed, numbed by Jay and his sudden viciousness. He was used to Jay having random outbursts, but they were never cruel or truly angry or bitter or vicious like Jay had just acted.
Bob left the kitchen and stood for a moment outside Jay's locked door. He thought about banging on the door and pleading with Jay to talk to him, to tell him what was making him so angry, but he decided against it. He figured it would be a better plan to let Jay cool down for a while.
But there was something about Jay this time that made Bob edgy. There had been a look in his eyes... it was bothered him. He'd never seen that look before. Bob took off his hat and ran a slightly shaking hand through his dark hair. Something about this situation felt terribly wrong. He hated seeing Jay this way - it hurt... like he was being stabbed in the heart with a poison dagger.
It was a terrible feeling to have - one that he had deciphered long ago.
//No, no... you're not thinking about that, Bobby,// snapped a little voice in his head. //Don't go down that road again. Block it out, like you always have. Like you always will. Unless you're being a sentimental fuck again...//
Bob shook his head and turned to go back into the lounge. With one last wistful look in the direction of Jay's room, he turned the T.V. on but only half-watched it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my breath
Nine night of matter
Black flowers blossom
Fearless on my breath
Black flowers blossom
Fearless on my breath
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jay lay on his bed, his golden hair splayed out around his face. His face was set like stone, tear-streaked again. His mouth was set so tightly it had become nothing but a bloodless line. His mind was overflowing with thought. Surely Bob had worked out what was wrong with him. He was cleverer than Jay, and Jay knew it as well as anyone.
And if he hadn't worked it out?
Well then, he was a stupid, fat fuck.
But he wasn't a stupid fat fuck, Jay's mind argued blindly. He was kind and strong and had always been there for him. He was beautiful and Jay felt that anyone who couldn't see that was fucking stupid. Bob was amazing. Jay felt the angry tears fill up his eyes again.
Bob was all he wanted.
And everything he could never have.
The cold expression on his pale face broke and Jay's face became contorted with pain. He turned over and gave a howl of misery, muffled into his pillow.
Lyrics from an old Nine Inch Nails song sprang into Jay's mind from nowhere. He mouthed them soundlessly into nothingness.
''You could have it all... my empire of dirt... I will let you down... I will make you hurt.''
Jay turned back over and stared bleakly at his ceiling. Fuck. He couldn't take this pain anymore. It was agony. It was ripping him apart. He wanted so badly to tell Bob how he really felt but he knew that if he did it'd totally fuck up everything.
As if everything wasn't fucked up enough as it was...
Jay stumbled from his room, keeping his gaze on his feet, and shuffled quickly into the bathroom, making sure he'd locked the door straight away. He heard Bob rise from the couch and started to shake.
There was only one thing to do. He couldn't let Bob interfere and fuck it up. He had to be a man. He had to do this...
It would make everything so much easier.
Jay was getting sick of the tears that kept blinding his vision, but he patted around blindly inside the cabinet anyway. Finally his shaking hands closed around a small white bottle. He gave it a little shake to check that it was the right one. The rattling of pills greeted him and he knew that it was. Jay roughly brushed away the tears from his stinging green eyes and stared at the bottle of pills. He slowly unscrewed the cap and peered inside. There were roughly about fifty pills. It was enough to get the fuckin' job done.
With one final look at the door, where outside Bob was sitting, Jay swallowed fifteen pills.
The taste was terrible. Jay groped for a glass and turned the tap on. When the glass was full, he swallowed other fifteen, then some water to wash them down quicker. Then another fifteen, followed by a final ten. Jay gulped some more water, then fell to the floor with a loud thump.
He heard Bob say, ''Jay? What's happening in there?''
He started to feel drowsy.
Lying there on the floor, a whirlwind of thoughts flew through Jay's mind, that was slipping further and further into unconciousness.
//Everything... it's fuckin' over... fuckin' over... I'm dying, I'm dying, I'm gonna die... holy shit man... I can't feel myself, but I can still feel the pain, all of it. Holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck.. I'm sorry.. I'm so sorry, if anyone'll miss me I'm sorry. S' going...s' all going so fast.. I'm dead, gone, fucked... so sorry... I'm so sorry, Bob... miss you so fuckin' bad... it's all...so over..//
And then, just before the darkness overcame him, one single clear thought ran through Jay's brain.
//I love you, Bob.//
And then, nothing.
~~~~~~~~~
Bob had heard the loud thump in the bathroom, like the sound of someone falling flat on their ass. He got up from the couch and knocked on the door.
''Jay? What's happening in there?''
He hadn't gotten a reply. Worse still, there hadn't been any sound of Jay moving in there, or breathing or anything. After about five minutes, Bob began to panic. Something was very wrong. Usually Jay was a bag of nervous energy, particularly when he was angry or upset.
Bob banged the door again, harder this time. ''Jay! Open the door!''
Nothing.
Bob felt beads of cold sweat starting to form on his forehead. This wasn't fuckin' right. He knelt down and peered through the keyhole.
He could see hardly anything through there.
Suddenly his eye caught on the corner of Jay's foot. Jay was lying face-down on the floor. Near Jay's foot was a near-empty bottle of painkillers. It must have rolled there when Jay had dropped it.
Bob heart quickened to the same rate as a mouse's, and with a mad terror, he tried to break down the door. After a few well aimed kicks, the door flew open, and Bob saw Jay lying on his stomach, bits of chewed-up pills on his face held by drool.
''Jay!'' Bob wailed, turning Jay onto his back and shaking him roughly. ''Jay!!''
Jay's thin body was totally limp. He was very cold and his eyes had rolled into the back of his skull. Bob felt like he was going to throw up with horror.
''Fucking wake up!!''
Bob shook Jay again but he still seemed dead. He grabbed the blond's wrist and groped desperately for a pulse. He felt himself come crashing back down to earth when he felt a feeble beat in Jay's wrist.
//Thank God... he's alive... he's still alive...// thought Bob, feeling the wave of panic lessen a little.
Then a horrible little voice in the back of his mind hissed, ''But he could die any second.''
Bob ran full speed from the bathroom and called an ambulance, the terror of losing Jay like glass and nails in his stomach. He dashed back to be with Jay, holding him in his arms, telling him that it'd all be ok, that he'd be fine.
Bob couldn't even believe his own words and his heart broke for it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my breath
Water is my eye
Most faithful mirror
Fearless on my breath
Teardrop on the fire of a confession
Fearless on my breath
Most faithful mirror
Fearless on my breath
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The ambulance arrived within ten minutes, a time horribly stretched with panic and fear. Jay was taken away, with Bob in the back of the ambulance with him, trying to touch him, to stroke his hair and whisper words of comfort that the unconcious boy couldn't hear, but the paramedics were already working on him, putting tubes down his throat and up his nose. They were destroying Jay's fragile beauty and Bob couldn't watch. He turned his head away, vision clouded with petrified tears that fell down his face like lumps of rock.
In the backround, Bob could hear the medical jargon being thrown around, but it sounded a million miles away. He was so numbed by the fact that Jay had tried to kill himself that he couldn't move, couldn't speak and couldn't hear. The shock overwhelmed his body and he felt like he could do nothing but spiral into the gaping void of misery that was slowly opening up before him.
Eventually they reached the hospital and Jay was wheeled away on a stretcher. Bob was instructed not to follow, as Jay was going to have his stomach pumped, and it wasn't something that Bob should try to get involved in.
Bob's guts had swollen and writhed with fury when the young nurse had told him that.
''I'm sorry, sir, but you can't be with your friend right now. The doctors are working on him,''the girl had said, looking at him with that expression of sympathy that those in the medical profession were taught to use in attempt to instill a sense of hope in the hopeless.
''But I need to know how he is!''Bob had protested.
//You fucking bitch... let me see him... I need to be with him!// Bob thought desperately, rage flying through his veins, though cleverly concealed.
The nurse put a sympathetic hand on his arm, although it was a discreet gesture to show that she was in charge of the situation, and not Bob.
''When we know his condition you can come and see him,''she said. ''Besides, you'll have to answer some questions for the hospital to put on file.''
Bob thought about arguing but sensing his own defeat, nodded and sat down near where Jay had been taken.
Hours seemed to pass like minutes as Bob pored over every single fucking thing that he and Jay had ever done together... ever since they had been kids they had been inseperable, and now the thought that he and Jay might be finally seperated forever chilled Bob to the core. He couldn't imagine a life without Jay - his intolerable, bright, excitable, foul-mouthed, beautiful Jay.
//I might never see him alive again.... the next time I might see him is under a white sheet or in a coffin... fuck... fuck...Jay, don't do this to me. Don't you dare fuckin' leave me all alone... I won't let you die. You can't die on me now... not now. Not ever. Jay, you're bigger than this. Please fuckin' pull through. Pull through, even if it's just for me. I don't know how to feel this way about anyone but you, 'cos you're the only person I ever loved, man. Don't die. Don't you fuckin' die.//
Bob closed his eyes and put his head in his hands. He blocked out the world. All he could see, feel, need was Jay.
Jay with his long golden hair. Jay and his bright green eyes. Jay and his fast, foul mouth. Jay and that cold, broken look in his eyes when you mentioned his parents. Jay and the smile he had on his face whenever Bob came through the door. Jay and his constantly tapping feet. Jay and his pale, lanky, beautiful body...
Jay, Jay, Jay... fuckin' Jay.
A choked sob escaped Bob's throat as he saw in his mind the vibrant, infectiously hyperactive Jay lying cold and still on a bed, a white sheet being drawn slowly and noiselessly over his stark white face. His eyes were closed, a tiny trickle of blood ran from his nose, his lips were horribly pale. The doctors were all shaking their heads sadly... another young life taken away. They would forget Jay soon enough - they would forget his beautiful wavy hair and his eyes and his face. They would have never known him.
Bob imagined his own grief at losing Jay, the only thing he'd ever truly loved. He saw himself walking slowly back to their apartment, frozen tears in his eyes, then walking to the back of his room. He saw himself open the closet door and finding the gun that himself and Jay had always kept, just in case, and then pointing it at his temple and blowing his skull halfway across the room in a firework of blood and skull and brains.
Bob wasn't sure how much time had passed when the young nurse came back.
''Sir?''she said.
Bob's head snapped up and he looked at her with a desperate gaze.
''You can come and see your friend now,''she continued. ''He's in a stable condition, but he's very weak and very disturbed.''
Bob nodded, feeling a tidal wave of relief hit him. Jay was ok... Jay was alive... Jay wasn't going to die.
Bob followed the nurse to the room that Jay was recovering in. She opened the door for him and gave him a quick smile, then left.
Bob was horrified at the state Jay was in. He had obviously only recently regained conciousness and was staring into space. There was a needle in his hand that was attached to a drip. He looked like death, his face pale and drawn, his eyes hollow and emotionless, his body weak and frail. Bob just stared for a moment, aghast. He couldn't believe that this shadow of a man infront of him was Jay. It broke his heart.
Slowly, Jay turned his head to look at Bob. His face was blank. He blinked twice, then turned away again, his brow furrowed as if he was trying not to cry, or wishing that Bob wasn't there.
Bob sat down next to Jay, still appalled at the state of his best friend. He tried to think of something to say but no words seemed good enough to comfort Jay, who had tried to kill himself only hours earlier. The two of them were silent for what felt like an age. Then finally, Jay spoke.
''Why did you save me?''he said. His voice was hoarse, and every word sounded like an effort. ''Why did you'se fuckin' save me, Lunchbox? I wanted to fuckin' die... why couldn't you just fuckin' see that, you dumb fat fuck?'' Jay's tired voice became more and more full with venom with each word. ''Why couldn't you'se have just let it alone, huh?''
Bob was once again at a loss for words. He didn't look away from Jay's pale, contemptous face for a second. Jay stared back at him with those green eyes that were slowly filling with angry tears. Soon, Jay had to turn away. He'd always hated looking weak infront of people. His lower lip was shaking as Jay desperately surpressed the urge to cry until his heart burst in his chest. Eventually Jay turned his head back to look Bob right in those calm brown eyes of his.
''Why?''he hissed again.
Bob looked right back into Jay's eyes. They were angry and indignant and desperate. Bob opened his mouth, closed it again, then finally found his voice.
''I saved you because you're my best friend, Jay,''Bob said softly. ''I care about you more than anyone else.''
Jay snorted derisively. ''Your best fuckin' friend...''
Bob raised an eyebrow. //What the...?//
Suddenly a torrent of anger spewed from Jay's mouth. It wasn't as loud as he would've liked because he was so weak, but the venom in his voice got the point across.
''You stupid fuckin' tubby bitch!'' Jay cried, seemingly appalled. ''You don't fuckin' get it, do you? Man...I thought you were smart! Shows how fuckin' wrong I was, thinking that a dumb fat asshole like you was fuckin' intelligent! If you still don't understand then you must be even stupider than me.'' Jay paused for breath, shaking with disgust, disbelief and pain. ''You wanna know why I tried to kill myself, Bob? You wanna fuckin' know? I'll fuckin' tell you'se. Then you'll finally understand, you tubby bitch.''
Jay paused again, short of breath. He felt very weak and tired but he knew that he had to say something. His entire being hated the thought of finally telling Bob his feelings, but he knew that he couldn't rest until the deed was done.
Jay gave a shuddering sigh and dropped his gaze. He couldn't bear to look at Bob's face anymore because it hurt so much. He didn't want to see Bob's reaction to what he was about to say.
Another sigh. ''I did what I did because....'' Jay swallowed, and a slight blush appeared on his face despite his ill state. ''I did it because I'm in love with you.''
Bob felt his entire body freeze with shock. He looked at the expression on Jay's face - one of mingled sorrow and relief. Jay's eyes were closed. He was shaking slightly. It was then that Bob realised that he was shaking too. A whirlwind of thoughts raced through Bob's head, none of them making much sense. He opened his mouth to speak, but Jay caught sight of this and raised his hand.
''Don't speak. Just... just leave, man.'' Jay's face was terribly sad. He shut his eyes even tighter than before, and several tears slipped soundlessly down his face, leaving a slight stain on the blanket.
Bob didn't want to leave. Jay could tell by the expression on his face when he eventually stole a glance at the one being he loved more than anything in the world.
''Bob, just leave, man. Please.'' There was a definite note of desperation in Jay's voice. He looked older all of a sudden, like an old man. Bob gave a sigh, nodded and stood up to leave. With pained eyes, Jay watched Bob leave. His throat burned from wanting to cry.
Jay waited until Bob was out of the room, before he laid his golden head back down on his pillow.
Then he wept like a child.
~~~~~~~~~
Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my breath
Stumbling a little
Stumbling a little....
~~~~~~~~~
My first Jay/Bob fic. :-S ..... Sorry if it's not quite up to standard, but what can I say? I love Jay and Bob fics. :-).... hetero-lifemates, my arse.
Anyway, thanks for reading, and thanks even more if you've decided to review. Until the next chapter.....adios.
Lux Aeterna
x