Summary: Ginny declares that she won't date anymore guys until Hermione does after a recent horrible, heartbreaking break-up of hers. Hermione is a huge loser who will never get a date. This means trouble for boys like Draco Malfoy who want to date Ginny with the burning passion of a thousand winds. Do you smell some juicy deals wafting our way? I do! I do! Read this story full of drugs, alcohol, and stupid dumbasses. Based on as many Shakespearean plays as I can think of but mostly the little bit I know of The Taming of the Shrew. It's also kinda based on 10 Things I Hate About You which is based on The Taming of the Shrew so that would make sense, wouldn't it..
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or any of these characters (except for Bob). The main storyline is based on Shakespearean plays.
Chapter ThreeThe next day everyone woke up and went about their morning routines. Little did they know the crazy antics they would be up to just minutes later.
Well, the one person who did know was Draco Malfoy. And he thought about his plan as he got dressed and admired his sexy six pack in his dormroom.
So, Draco, what is your plan? He asked his sexy reflection in the mirror. Damn he was sexier than sex itself. Hmm..get someone to date Granger..but who would like Granger? No one..except maybe one of those losers she hangs out with that pretend they're friends with her.. Not Harry, though. He'd heard him rant on and on for hours about all her obnoxious flaws. Besides, he was always too high to know what was going on. What about Ron.. No, he was a homo. Wait a minute! Maybe if he did a little something for Ron, Ron could do a little something for him..
Ohhh.. I like that idea..
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Ron Weasley woke up drowsily that morning. He was confused.. why didn't he hear anyone talking? Oh, God, maybe he'd woken up at 5:00 in the morning again.. oh, bliss.
He opened an eye. He saw Harry's nicely made and empty bed staring back at him. Great..
Wait a second.. What the fuck? He sat up. Dean, Neville and Seamus' beds were all empty and made, too! HOLY SHIT WHAT TIME WAS IT!?!??!?!
Ron jumped out of bed and threw on his clothes. Hopefully he hadn't missed breakfast. He sprinted down the stairs and through the corridors, tripping over himself several times. He turned a corner on the second floor, about to go down another, faster staircase, when he tripped again and fell flat on his face.
SHIT! NOT MY NOSE AGAIN! He thought angrily, pulling himself up and feeling his nose to check for bleeding. Thank God not a drop of blood had shed from it.
"Weasley, I need to talk to you, if you don't mind," someone suddenly said from next to him.
He looked up. It was the man of his dreams, the man he thought of every night as he lay awake listening to Neville's incessant snores.. or maybe those were his incessant snores.. Anyway, it was.. DRACO MALFOY!
Dun da na nun!!!! [victorious music]
"Yes, Malfoy?" Ron asked, trying not to sound too excited.
"I was wondering if you were interested in making a deal with me?" Draco responded, eyeing Ron.
"Um..depends," Ron said, standing up shakily. "What's the deal?
"Go on a date with Hermione Granger," Draco replied evilly. "The next Hogsmeade weekend is.. oh, this weekend!" Draco said sarcastically. "Just three days away, incase you've forgotten."
"What's in it for me?" Ron asked, swallowing hard. Had Seamus talked to Draco about his little.. crush?
"Well," Draco said, almost loosing his cool. He wasn't sure he wanted to make the deal he was about to make. Did he really want to do this..? "Um.. I have been informed of your little.. infatuation, let's say, with me. And.. if you do this for me.. I will give you.. a.. a.." Draco closed his eyes. He could back out now if he wanted to..
"A WHAT?!" Ron practically screamed, jumping up. He couldn't contain his excitement, this was too suspenseful! Ron knew what he wanted to be given to him by Draco, but he wasn't sure if it would actually happen..
"A kiss," Draco said, his eyes still shut tightly. He hoped that if he closed his eyes for long enough and didn't see anything or anyone, nothing or no one would see him.
Ron's heart fell. A kiss? Damn! That's not even close to what he had been hoping for! But wait! There was still a chance..
"WHERE?" Ron asked loudly.
Draco's eyes popped open. "YOUR MOUTH YOU KINKY HOMO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHERE THE FUCK ELSE DO YOU THIN I'D KISS YOU?!?!?! YOU ARE SO DIRTY, SO DISGUSTING! I COULD HAVE JUST BLACKMAILED YOU BUT NO, I DECIDED TO BE NICE-"
Wait a fucking second. Why the fuck didn't he just blackmail him?
"Aw, fucker," Draco said, punching his thigh angrily. "SHIT! God, I am so fucking stupid. Man, I need some pot."
"Well, is the deal still on?" Ron asked timidly.
"Well, I guess I can't take it back now," Draco replied, taking a bag of pot out of the pocket of his robes. "I'll see you around, I guess. Meet me in that seventh floor corridor with that statue of that woman with that horse at midnight tonight for your.. reward. Then we'll discuss my side of the deal." He turned and strolled off to go smoke a joint.
What a crazy fellow, Ron thought as he watched Draco's sexy figure dissapear around a corner. But I still love him.
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"Where's Ron, Harry?" Hermione asked Harry worriedly as they ate their breakfast. "Did you see him get up? Is it his nose? I can't believe Ginny actually threw a book at her own brother.."
"Yeah," Harry responded vaguely. He was too busy thinking about how upset he was that he'd forgotten to have his usual midnight joint last night to listen to Hermione rant.
"Harry, listen to me, please!" Hermoine whined.
That's it, Harry thought. He abruptly pushed out his chair and fled from the table to go smoke some nice old pot.
"Ugh, what's his problem?" Hermione asked Ginny who was sitting to her left.
Ginny shrugged, her mouth full of bacon and eggs.
"Ugh, this is too much for me, I'm leaving," Hermione decided angrily. She pushed her chair back and left the dining hall.
Ginny tilted her head towards the enchanted ceiling and said, "Thank you," quietly. Now she could eat in peace without having to listen to Hermione go on and on and on about everything that popped into her mind and talk about Ginny as though she wasn't sitting right next to her. That's what pissed her off the most.
"Hi, Ginny," someone said, taking Harry's old seat across from her.
She looked up. It was Ron.
"Did you see Hermione leaving the dining hall?" Ginny asked. "She was flipping out because she didn't know where you were."
Ron rolled his eyes and snorted, helping himself to some sausage. "Yeah, she stopped me on her way up the stairs but I pretended I had a contagious disease and ran away from her."
Ginny laughed. "Smart," she replied. "I'll remember that next time I want to get the hell away from her. She's so fucking annoying."
"I know!" Ron exclaimed. "My God, I have no idea how I'm going to tolerate her this weekend.."
"What?" Ginny asked. This weekend? There was Hogsmeade this weekend..but what did that have to do with Ron and Hermione?
"Umm.." Ron stammered, sifting desperatly through his mind for an explanation to his messup in his speaking. "I mean, she's going to follow me everywhere around Hogsmeade.
Ginny nodded slowly, not quite believing her brother. What was going on?
"Well, I gotta finish up some Transfiguration homework," Ginny replied, taking one last swig of pumpkin juice. "I'll see you later."
Ron nodded slightly, too busy drowning in embarassment to move very much.
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Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil watched Ginny in awe as she strutted past them on her way out of the dining hall.
"How the hell does she do it?" Parvati wondered aloud to Lavender.
"I have no freaking idea," Lavender said. She sighed. "Un-fucking-believable. She looks so real! Or, he looks so real. I wonder if it got plastic surgery, or something? You know, that stuff Muggles do to change their appearance." Lavender shuddered. "To me it just sounds gross."
"But her voice is high, too," Parvati continued, ignoring the comment about plastic surgery. "And her boobs aren't all stiff. And her legs and hips are so..curvacious.. and stuff. And all the guys love her! Little does she know that we know her secret.."
"Little do they know that they're in love with a transgender," Lavender replied, sighing again.
Little do they know that none of this is even true.
"What about that whole someone-loves-Voldemort shit," Parvati said, quickly changing subjects. "I mean, is it really true?"
"Well, I definitely heard Harry scream something about it," Lavender told her friend. "And it sounded pretty real to me."
"Wow," Parvati said, staring at her plate of cold eggs. "What has become of this school? Transgenders and crushes on evil villains. And that's just in one dorm! Just think of what it must be like for our enemies..the Slytherins.." Parvati hissed the words "the Slytherins" to give it some effect.
Lavender and Parvati turned in their seats in unison to glance at what was going on at the Slytherin table. Everyone was laughing merrily and everything seemed so happy and innocent- except the fact that everyone in that dorm was a complete asshole- but, Parvati and Lavender knew there was a secret. They didn't know what it was, but there definitely was one. Or two. Or maybe even five.
Heehee..they love gossip..
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A/N: Okay, shitty ending, I know. But, whatever. Now I guess there's more of a plot what with the Ron-Draco deal..what will become of it..and will Lavender and Parvati ever realize that all this shit they're feeding upon isn't even real? Who is the one that Ginny actually truly loves? Yes, there is one..
Stay tuned! PLEASE R&R!!!!!!!!!!!
*~~~aLie~*~~~