My heart stops. Everything stops. I can't speak. I swiftly hang up the
phone. Who would have thought they'd have phones in a nunnery? Well, they
do, but that's beside the point. I am too stunned to do anything or say
anything. I just can't believe it. This just cannot be happening.
I imagine this is what he felt like when he found out I was coming here. Maybe it was this hard for him to handle. I've thought about it for months, what it could have done to him, but nothing even suggested this kind of pain.
It now seems silly, but I just wondered which confession was more bizarre. Mine was pretty weird, I must say. Who possibly would have thought of me, Max, being in here for a year? But then again, I can't say Alec's confession was obvious and sensible either. I guess, thinking back on it, my sudden demand seemed 100% more peculiar.
Logan and Alec were being so pushy. Logan kept on proclaiming that I was his one and only love and it went both ways. Alec continued shouting about how he was my one and only mate and it went both ways. Logan yelled about it just being heat. Alec roared that it was just love.
I knew which one was right, but I sure as hell didn't want to admit it. In a way, they were both right. But one more than the other. I had heard from plenty of people that I was always trying to do what was best. Well, mostly I heard this from several people over and over again, two of which were in that room, but even so, the saying hadn't ever rung so true until then. I didn't want to hurt anyone. Well, I would make one happy and hurt the other, but me being myself, I was being wishy-washy and didn't know what I quite wanted yet. I knew what I wanted somewhere, but I had been denying it to myself for so long I think I had convinced myself out of it. At that moment, I had no idea what to say.
So I said the only thing I could think of that might get them off my tail and off each other's. I said the four words that I would regret for the rest of my life. I said the worst possible thing I could.
"I'm becoming a nun."
I said it with such sincerity I even convinced myself it was the right thing to do. I mean, I had been a religious person from that day we first saw the blue lady. But after the run-in with Ben, I think I might have lost her trust. Well, this is the reason I kept giving myself, and others, when they questioned why I did it.
But the true reason is that when you are a nun, you're not supposed to love somebody.
But even so, that didn't stop me.
I still remember their shocked faces with their jaws wide open, their eyes bugging out and their eyebrows shooting off their faces. I looked into his eyes and saw hurt flowing through him. It pained me to see him so distraught. I never truly wanted to do anything to wound him so much. But I couldn't see another way out.
Since then, I have thought of billions of other approaches I could have used. I have thought of a million things to say. I have thought of so many excuses for my behavior. But I can't turn back time. What was said remains said and what was done remains done. So I am stuck here, fantasizing about how it could have been for us. How it could have been between us. How many wonderful feeling there are that I will never know.
I will never know how it feels to be wrapped up in his arms again. I will never know how it feels to kiss him again. I will never know how it feels to wake up and see his lovely face staring down at me. I will never know how it feels to say he's mine. I will never know how it feels to walk down the aisle, dressed in white, and see the most beautiful man in the world waiting for me. I will never know what it's like to be on a honeymoon with him, spending all my time with him as we go around the world. I won't, but someone will.
So if anyone asks me which confession I think was more odd and shocking, I'd have to say my own. But if they ask which confession was more hurtful and painful and soul shaking, I wouldn't be sure.
"She asked me to marry her, and I think I'll say yes," was all he said. I don't know who she is or how this happened, but I know that he deserves it. He deserves to be happy and know all those feelings.
Now, one question is coming to my mind. Why did he call me before he answered her? Why did he say, "I think I'll say yes," and not, "I'm getting married"? Is he trying to say something to me? Well, if not, then I'm about to make the biggest mistake of my life. No, second biggest. The first was letting him go in the first place.
So yes, he does deserve to know all those feelings, those feelings of love, contentment and marital bliss. But not with her.
With me.
A few minutes later, I find myself saying, "Sister Mary, Sister Anya, I have to go." I go swishing down the stairs of the beautiful convent, and for the first time in a year or so, in jeans, a t-shirt and my leather jacket.
I grab my baby from behind a bush, a bit surprised that no one found it and stole it from me. Then again, I'm not too shocked; no one would steal from a nun, true thief or not. Suddenly, I once again feel the wind in my hair. I speed to 70 mph, almost forgetting the reason of my departure, but not quite. I never stop thinking about him, my reason. In convents, you get a lot of time to think about things. And most of the time, for me, it was not about God. Don't get me wrong, I love the guy, but he's not the only man in my heart. I guess being a nun just isn't for me.
After passing though the sector checkpoint, (I luckily had my Jam Pony pass in the pocket of my jeans), I am nearly to my destination. Wait, what is my destination? I guess I'm going to Alec's apartment. But what if he's not there?
Now that I see his bike in front of the building, I'm nervous. More nervous than words can describe. I mean, what if he already said yes to her? Even so, I have to be confident.
So I glide up the stairs, pretending not to be in a rush. But it doesn't work. I'm running down the hall, searching for his apartment. I'd only been there a few times before. Once was the time that changed everything, when and after I went into heat. Then I see it. Being utterly impatient at this point, I kick down the door. Literally.
Now having everyone's attention, I look around at the faces before me. There's OC, Joshua and a brunette that I'd never seen before. She's not looking too happy right now. And then there's Alec, who, although shocked, is wearing his signature smirk. The pissed newcomer decides to break the silence first.
"So, this is Max, huh?" She spits with venom at Alec. She looks me up and down. "She's the reason you said no?"
The last comment surprises me. He said no? He said no to her because of me? Well, I can't say she's the sweetest girl I've ever met either. He deserves way better than that.
"How dare you speak to him like that? If you're this 'she' he was considering marrying, he deserves a hell of a lot better than you! If you love him, you sissy bitch, you would never talk to him that way." The words flow out of my mouth, almost without my consent, and threaten this woman who seems like the worst girlfriend in the world.
"I usually don't. But I'm getting frustrated. Not once has he said he loves me, although he never turns away. He won't say anything about his past except things about you. He won't break up with me and he won't marry me although we've been together for almost a year. He's a wonderful boy, but all his loyalties are to you. So, if you can get him to do anything, have a wonderful life together, Max." And the brunette daintily steps over the shards of the broken door in her stiletto heels and disappears down the hallway.
OC walks over to the door, and calls, "If you eva get sick of the three- legged gender, gimme a holla!"
"Bye, Jennifer," Josh says before turning to me and giving me a hug.
OC nods hello, then drags Josh out of the apartment. "Dog-boy, give my boo some privacy!"
Then we're alone for the first time in over a year. Actually, it's been one year, four months, and ten days. I've missed him so much that I've counted.
As I look over at him, I see the slight confusion, the happiness and the hurt swirling and lurking in his deep hazel orbs. I can read his emotions now, because I've finally learned to look. If there's nothing else living in a convent has taught me, it's that you can see many things just by truly looking. And so I am. I'm looking at him and he's looking back. I reach out and hug him. And he hugs me back.
"So, what got you to leave?" he asks slowly, although I can see he knows the real answer. He's got that teasing look on again, a look I had dreamt about for years, whether I realized it or not.
"I hated the hats," I say simply, teasing him back.
"Really?" He's so cute when he believes me.
"No," I whisper back, before showing him the real reason of my return. My love for him.
I imagine this is what he felt like when he found out I was coming here. Maybe it was this hard for him to handle. I've thought about it for months, what it could have done to him, but nothing even suggested this kind of pain.
It now seems silly, but I just wondered which confession was more bizarre. Mine was pretty weird, I must say. Who possibly would have thought of me, Max, being in here for a year? But then again, I can't say Alec's confession was obvious and sensible either. I guess, thinking back on it, my sudden demand seemed 100% more peculiar.
Logan and Alec were being so pushy. Logan kept on proclaiming that I was his one and only love and it went both ways. Alec continued shouting about how he was my one and only mate and it went both ways. Logan yelled about it just being heat. Alec roared that it was just love.
I knew which one was right, but I sure as hell didn't want to admit it. In a way, they were both right. But one more than the other. I had heard from plenty of people that I was always trying to do what was best. Well, mostly I heard this from several people over and over again, two of which were in that room, but even so, the saying hadn't ever rung so true until then. I didn't want to hurt anyone. Well, I would make one happy and hurt the other, but me being myself, I was being wishy-washy and didn't know what I quite wanted yet. I knew what I wanted somewhere, but I had been denying it to myself for so long I think I had convinced myself out of it. At that moment, I had no idea what to say.
So I said the only thing I could think of that might get them off my tail and off each other's. I said the four words that I would regret for the rest of my life. I said the worst possible thing I could.
"I'm becoming a nun."
I said it with such sincerity I even convinced myself it was the right thing to do. I mean, I had been a religious person from that day we first saw the blue lady. But after the run-in with Ben, I think I might have lost her trust. Well, this is the reason I kept giving myself, and others, when they questioned why I did it.
But the true reason is that when you are a nun, you're not supposed to love somebody.
But even so, that didn't stop me.
I still remember their shocked faces with their jaws wide open, their eyes bugging out and their eyebrows shooting off their faces. I looked into his eyes and saw hurt flowing through him. It pained me to see him so distraught. I never truly wanted to do anything to wound him so much. But I couldn't see another way out.
Since then, I have thought of billions of other approaches I could have used. I have thought of a million things to say. I have thought of so many excuses for my behavior. But I can't turn back time. What was said remains said and what was done remains done. So I am stuck here, fantasizing about how it could have been for us. How it could have been between us. How many wonderful feeling there are that I will never know.
I will never know how it feels to be wrapped up in his arms again. I will never know how it feels to kiss him again. I will never know how it feels to wake up and see his lovely face staring down at me. I will never know how it feels to say he's mine. I will never know how it feels to walk down the aisle, dressed in white, and see the most beautiful man in the world waiting for me. I will never know what it's like to be on a honeymoon with him, spending all my time with him as we go around the world. I won't, but someone will.
So if anyone asks me which confession I think was more odd and shocking, I'd have to say my own. But if they ask which confession was more hurtful and painful and soul shaking, I wouldn't be sure.
"She asked me to marry her, and I think I'll say yes," was all he said. I don't know who she is or how this happened, but I know that he deserves it. He deserves to be happy and know all those feelings.
Now, one question is coming to my mind. Why did he call me before he answered her? Why did he say, "I think I'll say yes," and not, "I'm getting married"? Is he trying to say something to me? Well, if not, then I'm about to make the biggest mistake of my life. No, second biggest. The first was letting him go in the first place.
So yes, he does deserve to know all those feelings, those feelings of love, contentment and marital bliss. But not with her.
With me.
A few minutes later, I find myself saying, "Sister Mary, Sister Anya, I have to go." I go swishing down the stairs of the beautiful convent, and for the first time in a year or so, in jeans, a t-shirt and my leather jacket.
I grab my baby from behind a bush, a bit surprised that no one found it and stole it from me. Then again, I'm not too shocked; no one would steal from a nun, true thief or not. Suddenly, I once again feel the wind in my hair. I speed to 70 mph, almost forgetting the reason of my departure, but not quite. I never stop thinking about him, my reason. In convents, you get a lot of time to think about things. And most of the time, for me, it was not about God. Don't get me wrong, I love the guy, but he's not the only man in my heart. I guess being a nun just isn't for me.
After passing though the sector checkpoint, (I luckily had my Jam Pony pass in the pocket of my jeans), I am nearly to my destination. Wait, what is my destination? I guess I'm going to Alec's apartment. But what if he's not there?
Now that I see his bike in front of the building, I'm nervous. More nervous than words can describe. I mean, what if he already said yes to her? Even so, I have to be confident.
So I glide up the stairs, pretending not to be in a rush. But it doesn't work. I'm running down the hall, searching for his apartment. I'd only been there a few times before. Once was the time that changed everything, when and after I went into heat. Then I see it. Being utterly impatient at this point, I kick down the door. Literally.
Now having everyone's attention, I look around at the faces before me. There's OC, Joshua and a brunette that I'd never seen before. She's not looking too happy right now. And then there's Alec, who, although shocked, is wearing his signature smirk. The pissed newcomer decides to break the silence first.
"So, this is Max, huh?" She spits with venom at Alec. She looks me up and down. "She's the reason you said no?"
The last comment surprises me. He said no? He said no to her because of me? Well, I can't say she's the sweetest girl I've ever met either. He deserves way better than that.
"How dare you speak to him like that? If you're this 'she' he was considering marrying, he deserves a hell of a lot better than you! If you love him, you sissy bitch, you would never talk to him that way." The words flow out of my mouth, almost without my consent, and threaten this woman who seems like the worst girlfriend in the world.
"I usually don't. But I'm getting frustrated. Not once has he said he loves me, although he never turns away. He won't say anything about his past except things about you. He won't break up with me and he won't marry me although we've been together for almost a year. He's a wonderful boy, but all his loyalties are to you. So, if you can get him to do anything, have a wonderful life together, Max." And the brunette daintily steps over the shards of the broken door in her stiletto heels and disappears down the hallway.
OC walks over to the door, and calls, "If you eva get sick of the three- legged gender, gimme a holla!"
"Bye, Jennifer," Josh says before turning to me and giving me a hug.
OC nods hello, then drags Josh out of the apartment. "Dog-boy, give my boo some privacy!"
Then we're alone for the first time in over a year. Actually, it's been one year, four months, and ten days. I've missed him so much that I've counted.
As I look over at him, I see the slight confusion, the happiness and the hurt swirling and lurking in his deep hazel orbs. I can read his emotions now, because I've finally learned to look. If there's nothing else living in a convent has taught me, it's that you can see many things just by truly looking. And so I am. I'm looking at him and he's looking back. I reach out and hug him. And he hugs me back.
"So, what got you to leave?" he asks slowly, although I can see he knows the real answer. He's got that teasing look on again, a look I had dreamt about for years, whether I realized it or not.
"I hated the hats," I say simply, teasing him back.
"Really?" He's so cute when he believes me.
"No," I whisper back, before showing him the real reason of my return. My love for him.