The many lives of Sybil Trelawney
The Johnny E challenge
A/N: As you can probably guess from the title this is the return challenge set by Johnny. So I am warning you now….. Be very prepared for perverseness, obscurity and the downright bizarre. Alas Johnny is not totally to blame for this monstrosity my own sibling S.J had a hand in this, as well as Mikus our dear (and soon to be deceased) friend. Hope you enjoy this 'fic' and I use the term very loosely. It still amazes me just how a bit of alcohol can warp someone's imagination –Sighs- Ah well!
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the character mentioned in this fic. Nor do I make any cash whatsoever from this little venture. Being poor sucks!!!
The challenge guidelines: -Sigh-
And so there we have it; this is what I've got to work with. Man with friends like these who needs enemies…..
The Many Lives of Sybil Trelawney.
It was your average, drab, boring, cold, miserable, irritating, annoying day. You know like the ones you have everyday but which never seemed to be mentioned in the Harry Potter books because they're 'Magical' Okay cynicism aside it was an average day. It was just after Christmas and the entirety of Hogwarts had gathered in the Great hall for some indefinable reason.
Dumbledore stood to address the throng "Well I have no idea as to what exactly we are doing here, so let's tuck in."
And so the mass of students dug in to their gourmet food, until a rather high and unholy shriek pierced the ears of surrounding pupils causing all to wince and cover their now bleeding ears appropriately.
"Neville you stupid bloody twat!! Can't you get anything right?? My hair oh my beautiful afro styled hair!!!" The obviously female voice screamed causing the terrified boy next to her to piss his load in fear. Thus earning him a nice pair of pissy pants and an extremely red face.
Of course to the onlookers this was extremely hilarious and most of the occupants of the hall were currently on the way to having pissy pants of their own if they weren't careful. The teachers too were finding it rather hard to keep a straight face, for the sake of their own dignity and for the fact they didn't want to seem too cruel on Hermione. Some however weren't even trying.
At the far corner of the staff table one Sybil Trelawney was finding this whole situation rather enjoyable and was blatantly making her opinion known.
"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Granger looks like a bald eagle! Merlin that is too funny!!"
Unfortunately (Or rather fortunately for the progress of this fic) the aforementioned Miss Granger heard her shall we say discourteous words and decided to take matters into her own hands.
"You speccy hag faced old moose!!! You can't talk at all!!"
Thus followed the first public teacher/ pupil slanging match of Hogwarts history. Insults flew from all directions entertaining the general populous. Finally Hermione had, had enough. She wasn't the most able witch in her year for nothing. Grabbing her wand she screamed the first spell that came into her mind.
"WINGARDIUM LEVIOSA!!!!!"
And a very shocked Sybil Trelawney began to float in the air. Hermione smiled smugly and began to guide the hysterical teacher around the hall, looping her and swooping her in all directions, making the professor faintly air sick.
"Put me down NOW!!" she screeched, holding her infamous sequined handkerchief to her mouth in an attempt swallow to vomit.
Hermione looked pleadingly at the Headmaster, and Dumbledore sighed shaking his head.
"Do as she says Miss Granger. After all she is still your professor"
The girl pouted for a moment and then gave an evil grin.
"Sure professor, I'll put her down….. Finite Incantatum!!"
And so Sybil Trelawney dropped like a stone hurtling toward the concrete floor, only she could see green below her. There was an unpleasant 'squealch', a muted scream and Sybil Trelawney was no more, impaled on an ancient Christmas tree.
And so the whole of Hogwarts rejoiced.
In another place
Light, all around was light. At least that was what the disembodied soul of Sybil thought as it floated aimlessly through the random space. All around her there were eerie spectres, floating ghoulishly to and fro.
'Where the fuck am I?' she thought, bobbing aimlessly on the spot.
"You're in limbo you silly idiot" squeaked a melodious high pitched voice.
"Where??????"
"LIMBO YOU BLEEDIN IDIOT!!!! That place where you get stuck before judgement?! Do you not have a religion?"
"Not exactly.." Replied Sybil, scratching her ectoplasmic head " I mean I did a course on it once…"
"Oh I give up!"
"Excuse me but who are you?"
"Eh…. Oh sorry I guess I 'forgot' to introduce myself again." And with that another spirit floated into view, he was quite old and reminded Sybil very strongly of someone. "I'm getting on a bit now… been doing this crap far too long.."
Sybil just shrugged in agreement, being a teacher made you very cynical of professions and life (Or afterlife) choices.
"Well the names Uriel and I'm you spirit guide. I'm supposed to help you through this…. Transition."
"Transition……… I'm bloody dead!!" retorted Sybil mentally agreeing that this Uriel was a complete nutjob!
"Well death is not completely final for people like you…. You have a choice."
Sybil looked interested "A choice you say, and what would that be?" she asked her ghostly eyes lighting up slightly.
"You could choose to be reincarnated… or just go straight on to judgement."
"Reincarnation?" asked the former cluelessly, Uriel sighed shaking his head in clear amazement at her stupidity.
"Reincarnation is where you get to go bac…."
"I get to go BACK alright I'm in!! where do I sign!" Sybil cut in enthusiastically.
The spirit was silent a moment before drawing himself upto full height and bellowing "YOU SHOULD NOT CUT ACROSS YOUR SPIRIT GUIDE IT'S VERY RUDE!!!"
Sybil shrunk back cowering slightly and Uriel inwardly smiled 'Still got it' he thought before continuing to speak in a more mannered tone.
"There are a few things that you have to know about…. The most important being that you can't return to your previous body."
"WHAT!!" came the outraged shriek. "WHY THE BLOODY HELL NOT! YOU STUPID TURD MUNCHING TWAT!"
"Because your body is gone idiot!" Replied the spirit, stating this as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, which in reality it was.
Sybil looked slightly abashed and then looked up much more happy.
"I still wanna do it"
Uriel nodded his reply "Fine then and think of the place you'd most like to be and an appropriate host will be found."
Sybil shut her eyes tight and thought ' I want to be somewhere very rich'. There was a sudden woosh like travelling through a portkey and a thud as she entered the body. Almost instantly she was roughly being shoved awake. Opening her now 'huge' eyes she looked around her surroundings. She was in a kitchen full of house-elves, scuttering to and fro. On her left there was another elf yelling "WAKE UP KANGA!!" and it finally clicked it Sybil's little brain that she hadn't been quite specific enough in her request.
Somewhere in the heavens, a spirit guide chuckled.
A/N: Well there's chapter one finished only god knows how many more to go! Review, flame… eithers good for me! It all feedback in one way or another!
Next chapter: The little house elf that lied and other stories.