Lord of the Idiots
Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings. You think we would really even need these disclaimers? I mean come on. If I did own Lord of the Rings would I be writing fanfics for it? If I did own Lord of the Rings I would start my own cartoon series (anime style) and I would make a lot more merchandise. Anyway...on to the story!
Oh yeah. And before the story, I hope you've at least read the book or seen the movie or, you won't understand some of the things going on.
I would also like to give credit to my friends who helped me write this fic Particleman87, JE, and MG.
Our heroes go up to the Black Gate and do their thing. Meanwhile, Batman and Robin...I mean Frodo and Sam get to the Cracks of Doom. Gollum enters, has a snack on Frodo's finger and falls in. BLOOP. Sam saves Frodo, and just as they're thinking, "Cool, now we can go home," they hear a horrible screech from above. The Witch King, now reincarnated and pieced together with bits of tin foil, pulled out of his dive bomb with the One Ring gripped in his abused Pidgey's (That monster!) claws (Nicknamed Michael. Michael, as in a kid we knew once, who believed in Pokemon and thought he was a Pidgey.) The Witch King flew away into the night, into the day, and into the noon. (Yes, it took this long. I'd like to see you fly faster on an abused Pidgey!) Anyway... when the Lead Ringwraith finally got to the tower, the exhausted pokemon plummeted from the sky, dropping the One Ring right into the Big Eye's retina. Screaming in rage, Sauron, turning back to his old self, flipped off the Witch King's Pidgey, and he put the Ring on the "magic finger".
Back at the ranch, or in this case the Black Gate, Aragorn and friends were finally winning the battle. Just as the last troll was felled, and the orcs started running, an evil voice floated over the field. "Mwahaha... cough, hack, choke," it said. Suddenly, we find our friends against the Dark Lord himself. No not Voldemort you morons... Sauron! "Hahaha," he repeats as he kills half their army when he sneezes. "Now for the ULTIMATE torture!" Sauron said as he whipped out a boombox, (I don't think they had those back then but whatever. It's a fic right?) inserted a CD labeled "Sauron's mix", and pressed play. insert dramatic music here
"No!" screamed Aragorn
"We have failed," said Gandalf.
"We're all going to die," sobbed Frodo.
"Why, why, why?" asked Sam
"It's too much!" yelped Legolas.
"I can't take the pain," hollered Gimli.
"Mommy!" screeched Merry.
"Must it end like this?" wept Pippin.
The orcs were dancing to the "Macarena" with much enthusiasm. Some used their swords and pretended they were guitars.
Suddenly, a voice boomed over the land, shortly followed by another voice.
"Oh come on, Lenny...Macarena dancing orcs?"
"Well I like it, George, but if you don't like it then we can get rid of them."
Soon another voice joined them.
"Hey what are you doing!?" It's my story! No messing around with it!"
"We're just adding a few corrections..."
"It's my job to write the stories, and you just help in the publishing process. Let me just erase this."
A giant hand had appeared with a pencil, eraser-tip first, and erased all the Macarena dancing orcs.
"Who are you?" yelled Aragorn out loud towards the giant hand.
"Why I'm the author of this novel. My name's J.R.R Tolkien. I am pretty much like the god of this story."
"What business do you have here?"
"Well...I'm God! I control the good and bad outcomes. I WAS the one who started the Fellowship in this journey."
"What!? Is this your idea of a joke!? Look at all the friends we lost on the way and look at Sauron who is back to life!"
"Oh, I can remedy this easy!" Tolkien, or his giant hand to the Fellowship, erased Sauron away. Sauron yelled, "Hey! You can't do this to me! I haven't even played the 'Chicken Dance', yet! AHHH!"
"But if you could have done that the whole time," Aragorn inquired, "why didn't you!? And back to the point, what about our friends!?" sounding angry and sad at the same time. "To answer your first question, I have to say that it would be boring to have you just instantly destroy the ring. As for your second question, I can bring them back no problem."
Tolkien's hand retracted only to come forth, but there were four people in his hand. The only thing they could see were three of the four people, (seventy-five percent, ¾, or 3:4) which happened to be their friends. "It's Boromir, Theoden, and Denethor! They're back!" yelled Aragorn. (Wow. There certainly are a lot of exclamation points in this story. Don't you agree?) "Yay everyone cheered.
Faramir on the other hand, when he heard Denethor's name, dropped all his things, including sword, armor, and bows and arrows, ran top speed towards Fangorn Forest.
"Son, come back!" called Denathor, dropping his box of matches and spray bottle full of gasoline.
As their friends got closer, they noticed something. Boromir had those three arrows he was shot with still stuck in him (Not to mention he looked half dead to everyone still.) while Theoden was flat as a pancake. Denathor was smoking black and his skin was flabby. (If you don't remember how he died, let me refresh your memory. He jumped off a ledge of a very high place, while burning like a smore in flames. Mmmmm...smores...)
"Errr...Mr. Tolkien? You mind fixing our friends?" Aragorn asked. "What? Oh...ummm...sure!" Tolkien replied and Boromir, Theoden, and Denethor were back to normal.
"Thank you but wait! Who is the fourth guy? Oh my Galadriel! It's Sauron! Why did you bring HIM back!?"
SLAP. Gimli had slapped Aragorn rather hard on the cheek. "Don't say Galadriel's name in vain!" he exclaimed. Anyway...
"Why did you bring him back!?" Aragorn exclaimed. "Oh. About that. I've put him in his human form...permanently. He's actually rather nice as a human. He is rather popular in our world. Also now that he's human that makes him a REAL boy!" Tolkien said. "Did someone say 'boy'?" said a high- pitched voice we knew, all too well, as Michael Jackson's. "No, go away!" screamed everyone, including Tolkien himself. Tolkien even tried to strike the guy, or girl who knows, (Just kidding) with lightning, but before he could get him Jackson burrowed a hole underground and dug his way out of danger. (He is an animal...) Who knows how deep he got. The team could hear noises coming from the hole faintly. Diglett dig, Diglett dig, Trio, Trio, Trio. (Wow! That is deep!)
After that incident... Sauron had started to remove his helmet as everyone waited expectantly to see who he really was. Sauron had completely removed his helmet, now and everyone looked in awe. Oh my Galadr... I mean Gosh (Don't want to get hit you see.) it's Ben Affleck! All our heroes started to run. I wonder where they went.
Later we find ourselves at Bilbo's humble Hobbit hole. He's looking in his pantry closet to get some tobacco when... "Holy Galadriel! What are you doing in my pantry closet?" inquired Bilbo rather loudly.
SLAP. Yet again, Gimli had slapped another person, this of course being Bilbo. He said, "Don't say Galadriel's name in vain!" Bilbo continued, "What happened?" Legolas answered, "Sauron is back and we found out his true identity. His true identity is..." "Ben Affleck!" blurted Aragorn. "Oh my Galadr...I mean word! Well then...scoot over and make room for me quickly before he comes looking!" cried Bilbo.
THE END
Aragorn: What do you mean 'the end'! It's just begun! I mean Sauron, or Ben Affleck shiver, is back even worse than ever!
Legolas: He's right.
Gimli: He's definitely got a point there.
CC & Partcleman: Oh all right...
THE END...or is it?
Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings. You think we would really even need these disclaimers? I mean come on. If I did own Lord of the Rings would I be writing fanfics for it? If I did own Lord of the Rings I would start my own cartoon series (anime style) and I would make a lot more merchandise. Anyway...on to the story!
Oh yeah. And before the story, I hope you've at least read the book or seen the movie or, you won't understand some of the things going on.
I would also like to give credit to my friends who helped me write this fic Particleman87, JE, and MG.
Our heroes go up to the Black Gate and do their thing. Meanwhile, Batman and Robin...I mean Frodo and Sam get to the Cracks of Doom. Gollum enters, has a snack on Frodo's finger and falls in. BLOOP. Sam saves Frodo, and just as they're thinking, "Cool, now we can go home," they hear a horrible screech from above. The Witch King, now reincarnated and pieced together with bits of tin foil, pulled out of his dive bomb with the One Ring gripped in his abused Pidgey's (That monster!) claws (Nicknamed Michael. Michael, as in a kid we knew once, who believed in Pokemon and thought he was a Pidgey.) The Witch King flew away into the night, into the day, and into the noon. (Yes, it took this long. I'd like to see you fly faster on an abused Pidgey!) Anyway... when the Lead Ringwraith finally got to the tower, the exhausted pokemon plummeted from the sky, dropping the One Ring right into the Big Eye's retina. Screaming in rage, Sauron, turning back to his old self, flipped off the Witch King's Pidgey, and he put the Ring on the "magic finger".
Back at the ranch, or in this case the Black Gate, Aragorn and friends were finally winning the battle. Just as the last troll was felled, and the orcs started running, an evil voice floated over the field. "Mwahaha... cough, hack, choke," it said. Suddenly, we find our friends against the Dark Lord himself. No not Voldemort you morons... Sauron! "Hahaha," he repeats as he kills half their army when he sneezes. "Now for the ULTIMATE torture!" Sauron said as he whipped out a boombox, (I don't think they had those back then but whatever. It's a fic right?) inserted a CD labeled "Sauron's mix", and pressed play. insert dramatic music here
"No!" screamed Aragorn
"We have failed," said Gandalf.
"We're all going to die," sobbed Frodo.
"Why, why, why?" asked Sam
"It's too much!" yelped Legolas.
"I can't take the pain," hollered Gimli.
"Mommy!" screeched Merry.
"Must it end like this?" wept Pippin.
The orcs were dancing to the "Macarena" with much enthusiasm. Some used their swords and pretended they were guitars.
Suddenly, a voice boomed over the land, shortly followed by another voice.
"Oh come on, Lenny...Macarena dancing orcs?"
"Well I like it, George, but if you don't like it then we can get rid of them."
Soon another voice joined them.
"Hey what are you doing!?" It's my story! No messing around with it!"
"We're just adding a few corrections..."
"It's my job to write the stories, and you just help in the publishing process. Let me just erase this."
A giant hand had appeared with a pencil, eraser-tip first, and erased all the Macarena dancing orcs.
"Who are you?" yelled Aragorn out loud towards the giant hand.
"Why I'm the author of this novel. My name's J.R.R Tolkien. I am pretty much like the god of this story."
"What business do you have here?"
"Well...I'm God! I control the good and bad outcomes. I WAS the one who started the Fellowship in this journey."
"What!? Is this your idea of a joke!? Look at all the friends we lost on the way and look at Sauron who is back to life!"
"Oh, I can remedy this easy!" Tolkien, or his giant hand to the Fellowship, erased Sauron away. Sauron yelled, "Hey! You can't do this to me! I haven't even played the 'Chicken Dance', yet! AHHH!"
"But if you could have done that the whole time," Aragorn inquired, "why didn't you!? And back to the point, what about our friends!?" sounding angry and sad at the same time. "To answer your first question, I have to say that it would be boring to have you just instantly destroy the ring. As for your second question, I can bring them back no problem."
Tolkien's hand retracted only to come forth, but there were four people in his hand. The only thing they could see were three of the four people, (seventy-five percent, ¾, or 3:4) which happened to be their friends. "It's Boromir, Theoden, and Denethor! They're back!" yelled Aragorn. (Wow. There certainly are a lot of exclamation points in this story. Don't you agree?) "Yay everyone cheered.
Faramir on the other hand, when he heard Denethor's name, dropped all his things, including sword, armor, and bows and arrows, ran top speed towards Fangorn Forest.
"Son, come back!" called Denathor, dropping his box of matches and spray bottle full of gasoline.
As their friends got closer, they noticed something. Boromir had those three arrows he was shot with still stuck in him (Not to mention he looked half dead to everyone still.) while Theoden was flat as a pancake. Denathor was smoking black and his skin was flabby. (If you don't remember how he died, let me refresh your memory. He jumped off a ledge of a very high place, while burning like a smore in flames. Mmmmm...smores...)
"Errr...Mr. Tolkien? You mind fixing our friends?" Aragorn asked. "What? Oh...ummm...sure!" Tolkien replied and Boromir, Theoden, and Denethor were back to normal.
"Thank you but wait! Who is the fourth guy? Oh my Galadriel! It's Sauron! Why did you bring HIM back!?"
SLAP. Gimli had slapped Aragorn rather hard on the cheek. "Don't say Galadriel's name in vain!" he exclaimed. Anyway...
"Why did you bring him back!?" Aragorn exclaimed. "Oh. About that. I've put him in his human form...permanently. He's actually rather nice as a human. He is rather popular in our world. Also now that he's human that makes him a REAL boy!" Tolkien said. "Did someone say 'boy'?" said a high- pitched voice we knew, all too well, as Michael Jackson's. "No, go away!" screamed everyone, including Tolkien himself. Tolkien even tried to strike the guy, or girl who knows, (Just kidding) with lightning, but before he could get him Jackson burrowed a hole underground and dug his way out of danger. (He is an animal...) Who knows how deep he got. The team could hear noises coming from the hole faintly. Diglett dig, Diglett dig, Trio, Trio, Trio. (Wow! That is deep!)
After that incident... Sauron had started to remove his helmet as everyone waited expectantly to see who he really was. Sauron had completely removed his helmet, now and everyone looked in awe. Oh my Galadr... I mean Gosh (Don't want to get hit you see.) it's Ben Affleck! All our heroes started to run. I wonder where they went.
Later we find ourselves at Bilbo's humble Hobbit hole. He's looking in his pantry closet to get some tobacco when... "Holy Galadriel! What are you doing in my pantry closet?" inquired Bilbo rather loudly.
SLAP. Yet again, Gimli had slapped another person, this of course being Bilbo. He said, "Don't say Galadriel's name in vain!" Bilbo continued, "What happened?" Legolas answered, "Sauron is back and we found out his true identity. His true identity is..." "Ben Affleck!" blurted Aragorn. "Oh my Galadr...I mean word! Well then...scoot over and make room for me quickly before he comes looking!" cried Bilbo.
THE END
Aragorn: What do you mean 'the end'! It's just begun! I mean Sauron, or Ben Affleck shiver, is back even worse than ever!
Legolas: He's right.
Gimli: He's definitely got a point there.
CC & Partcleman: Oh all right...
THE END...or is it?