DISCLAIMER: I do not own the Lord of the Rings.

"Some kind of road trip this is turning out to be!!" complained Pippin.
"No shit! Hey Frodo! Some dude in black robes is checking you out! Look over there!" mentioned Merry.
"What the.... Oh crap! That's one of the evil people Gandalf warned me about! Everyone run!" Frodo began to sprint away, along with Sam behind him, and Merry and Pippin trailing behind them looking very confused.
"Well why don't you go talk to him Frodo?" inquired Merry as he caught up to Frodo, "I mean sure he doesn't have any fashion sense and he looks kind of possessed, but give him a chance! Why don't you invite him to dinner?"
"You idiot! He's evil and he wants to kill us all! He works for Sauron and if you don't keep running you won't have second breakfast tomorrow morning!" threatened Frodo.
"Well when you put it that way... Hey Pippin! Catch up!" bellowed Merry, which caught the attention of the Black Rider.
"Good job moron! Now he's following us!" Pippin said as he rolled his eyes at Merry.
"Get on that raft and we'll have to sail to Bree!" ordered Frodo.
"What do you mean Bree? Like, the cheese Bree or the town?" said Merry.
"The town of course! You idiot!"
Later that night after they had arrived at the gate to Bree.
"Oh great! There's a line up! If you three had only run a bit faster we would already be checked in!" complained Frodo.
"Look! The gatekeeper is asking three questions to get in! I sure hope they're easy!" observed Sam.
"Well, we can watch this guy in front of us go." said Pippin.
The gatekeeper was a small old man, with only rags on and bits of gray hair everywhere, and his many deep wrinkles were collecting water in the rain. He had a staff in his hand, which he would use to turn the people who got the questions wrong into toads.
"If the inside of this gate you want to see, you must answer me these questions three." The old gatekeeper said to the man in front of them.
"Go ahead gatekeeper! I am not afraid!" said the man, his voice trembling.
"What... is you name?"
"I am Botho of the Shire."
"What... is your quest?"
"I'm only visiting family in Bree! Please just let me in!"
"What...is the airspeed velocity of a swallow?"
"Well...well I don't know that! Ahh!"

Crack of light from the gatekeeper's staff

"Ribit! Croak!" The man was turned into a frog.

"You four!" said the gatekeeper, "What... are you names?"

"I'm Frodo, this is Merry, Pippin, and Sam."

"What...is your quest?"

"To destroy an evil ri..." said Merry, but Frodo cut him off just in time.

"We just want to stay in the Nancing Pony! We're not up to anything evil! No, not us four hobbits from the Shire!" said Frodo, trying to drown out Merry.

"What...are you favorite colors?"

"Umm...blue." said Frodo.

"Green." said Sam.

"Red." Said Pippin.

"Umm... lets see...what looks best on me...Pink!" said Merry. "Pink?" said the three other hobbits. "My mother wanted a girl, alright! When I was a baby, she always dressed me up in pink and damn it I was cute!" Merry retorted, and he went to go sulk in a corner.

"Fine you four. Go in the town." said the gatekeeper.

They all checked in at the Nancing Pony and sat down for drinks.

"Ahhh...beer." they all drooled.
"Damn Frodo! You must be more appealing than I thought! There's another guy checking you out!" observed Pippin.
"Gosh! Another evil guy! They just keep coming and coming!" said Merry.
"Well, I'm so drunk, I feel like making a total fool of myself! You in Merry?" said Pippin in a dazed way.
"Let's go sing on the top of that table!" suggested Merry. Pippin agreed and off they went.
"So are they sticking around for this whole journey thingy?" questioned Sam.
"I guess so, and long as some as some drunk guys don't decide to pick them up." Frodo said as he saw guys throwing money on the table Merry and Pippin were dancing on.
"No sorry, we can't go home with you. We're here with Frodo Baggins."
"Don't say my name!!!!" said Frodo in a panicked way as he leapt on the two and dragged them down. While doing this, the Ring made it's way on Frodo's finger and he disappeared.
"Where the heck am I? Who are you?" Frodo questioned the big red Eye in front of him.
"I see you!" it responded.
"Well I can see that! You're right in front of me!" said Frodo.
"I've dispatched my evil servants to find you and kill you and take back what is mine! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!"
"Well someone's in a bad mood! You want this Ring? You can't have it! I'm taking it off now! Have a shitty day! I hope a very large stick pokes your very large eye!" Frodo said rudely. He took off the Ring and everything was back to normal. That is until the man in the corner who was checking him out earlier grabbed him and dragged him upstairs.
"What did you see?" he demanded.
"What's it to ya?" Frodo shot back.
"I am Strider, a friend of Gandalf's. He is having some technical difficulties with Saruman and has been delayed. I am here to guide you."
"How am I supposed to know you are telling the truth?"
"Please???" persuaded Strider as he gave Frodo puppy eyes.
"Fine! I believe you!"
"So I am going to lead you to Rivendell where we will have the Council of Elrond."
"Please don't hurt him or us!" squealed Sam, Merry, and Pippin as they all jumped into the room to try to save Frodo.
"Don't worry you guys! This nice man has volunteered to lead us to Rivendell." Said Frodo, trying to calm them down.
"Yes. We're leaving in the morning. Go sleep while I take watch, and whatever you do, don't make me tap my special pin!" commanded Strider.
"What pin?" asked Pippin.
"This one!" Strider tapped the pin on the color of his cloak that read "Because You Are A Fucking Idiot!"
"What do you have that" said Sam.

TAP TAP TAP

"Why did you do that?"
TAP TAP TAP
"Fine! I'll go to sleep!"

The next day was filled with nothing but complaints.
"Strider! I'm hungry!"
"Strider! I'm thirsty!"
"Strider! Can we stop?"
"Strider! My feet hurt!"
"Strider! Are we there yet?"
"Strider! I don't feel well!"
"Strider! I need a break!"
"Strider! When's second breakfast?"
"Strider! I don't feel like destroying an evil Ring!"
"Strider! I'm tired!"
"Strider! I have a sliver!"
"Strider! I want to go home!"
"Strider! I have to go to the bathroom!"
"Strider? Is that your real name?"
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Strider blew up on the hobbits. "Someone needs an attitude adjustment!" said Merry. TAP TAP TAP "No. My real name is not Strider. It's Aragorn. And I want you all to just can it for the rest of the trip! Do I make myself clear?!?!" responded Aragorn.
"Yes Aragorn." The hobbits said in union.
"There are more of those evil guys behind us!" squealed Sam.
"Oh crap! You all go sit at Weathertop while I fight off all of them." Ordered Aragorn.
"Yes Aragorn." They all said.
Unfortunately, the Black riders came up to Weathertop and surrounded the four hobbits. Sam, Merry, and Pippin all quickly backed away so one of the Riders came up and stabbed Frodo.
"AHHH!" howled Frodo in pain.
After Aragorn fought off the Riders, he went to Frodo's aid.
"Mr. Frodo! Are you ok?" said a very flustered and concerned Sam.
"DO I LOOK OK???" howled Frodo, very annoyed with Sam's stupidity. "Sam, find kingsfoil! It will heal Frodo! And for goodness sake don't wet yourself! He might be ok!" commanded Aragorn.
"Surprise! I found you!" said a woman's voice.
"Oh crap!" said a surprised Aragorn. TAP TAP TAP "Well? Are you happy to see me?" said the woman.
"Oh yeah...Just thrilled... Arwen." Said Aragorn sarcastically. This was all he needed today, a visit from his very annoying and possessive girlfriend, Arwen. TAP TAP TAP "Well I'm taking Frodo to my father to be healed. Bye!"
Arwen threw Frodo on the back of her horse and rode off into the night. "Next stop, Rivendell!"