She thinks she's only here for the sex. She's not. She's here to keep me
human. To remind me that there is good in everyone. Even me. She's here
so I can hold her, take care of her, provide for and nurture something
instead of destroying and breaking. The sight of white skin against mine.
Small hands with what she thinks are fat, crooked fingers that always creep
against my stomach at night to keep them warm.
She's here because I got jealous. I wasn't at first, it didn't happen until later, but it did happen. The night that I didn't have any cash because I'd used everything in my wallet bribing a lead. I was in my car to go meet her when I realized that I didn't have any real money and I laughed at myself because I was sure that she didn't take credit card. But I couldn't just not go; we had a standing appointment. So I went and she was waiting for me like always, and when she got into the car she smiled. Now, she always smiled but it really hit me then. She just smiled again when I clumsily offered to buy her dinner instead. She told me not to worry about it and then we didn't talk anymore. That was the night I started losing sleep over where she was every other night of the week.
She's here because I got angry. That was the night that I started seeing that sometimes she had pale bruises on her arms, and that her jacket wasn't warm enough for the cold weather. That she looked really tired certain nights and like she'd slept too much on others. I don't know how long that lasted, my CVI distracting me with its too perfect recall of every detail about her, about how many hours a week we spent together and how many we didn't, but it stopped very suddenly. Very, very suddenly. I saw her walking towards my car, her body stiff as a rod and I knew something had happened. Not something, I knew exactly what had happened. I've made people walk like that. The kind of people that didn't usually end up on my official reports. I thought I was going to throw up but more for her sake than mine, or so I told myself later, I managed not to. I got out of the car and was at her side not even knowing how I did it. I was about to put my arm around her waist and help her along, but the look in her eyes stopped me.
"I don't need you to feel sorry for me and I don't need you to take care of me."
"I know."
I offered her my arm and we walked back to the car. She settled a bit into the seat, but her back was still very straight. I drove silently, and she rolled down the window, pulling her hair out of its elastic to blow around her face. We took the front hall elevator up and I hung her jacket in the closet next to mine. I took her to the washroom, turned on the shower and left. She stayed in there for 45 minutes. I slipped one of DeeDee's nightgowns over her head when she came out and showed her to the bedroom. I drank coffee on the couch all night long.
The next morning as I was getting ready to get to work she yelled at me. That this wasn't a fucking movie and who did I think I was and I shouldn't leave strangers alone in my home. She was still here when I got back. She yelled again the next day and the day after. The day after that we finally talked about it and then drove to her small apartment to get her things. I slept in my own bed that night for the first time since I'd brought her here. Her body was warm and soft and it reminded me of what gentleness feels like.
She's here because I got jealous. I wasn't at first, it didn't happen until later, but it did happen. The night that I didn't have any cash because I'd used everything in my wallet bribing a lead. I was in my car to go meet her when I realized that I didn't have any real money and I laughed at myself because I was sure that she didn't take credit card. But I couldn't just not go; we had a standing appointment. So I went and she was waiting for me like always, and when she got into the car she smiled. Now, she always smiled but it really hit me then. She just smiled again when I clumsily offered to buy her dinner instead. She told me not to worry about it and then we didn't talk anymore. That was the night I started losing sleep over where she was every other night of the week.
She's here because I got angry. That was the night that I started seeing that sometimes she had pale bruises on her arms, and that her jacket wasn't warm enough for the cold weather. That she looked really tired certain nights and like she'd slept too much on others. I don't know how long that lasted, my CVI distracting me with its too perfect recall of every detail about her, about how many hours a week we spent together and how many we didn't, but it stopped very suddenly. Very, very suddenly. I saw her walking towards my car, her body stiff as a rod and I knew something had happened. Not something, I knew exactly what had happened. I've made people walk like that. The kind of people that didn't usually end up on my official reports. I thought I was going to throw up but more for her sake than mine, or so I told myself later, I managed not to. I got out of the car and was at her side not even knowing how I did it. I was about to put my arm around her waist and help her along, but the look in her eyes stopped me.
"I don't need you to feel sorry for me and I don't need you to take care of me."
"I know."
I offered her my arm and we walked back to the car. She settled a bit into the seat, but her back was still very straight. I drove silently, and she rolled down the window, pulling her hair out of its elastic to blow around her face. We took the front hall elevator up and I hung her jacket in the closet next to mine. I took her to the washroom, turned on the shower and left. She stayed in there for 45 minutes. I slipped one of DeeDee's nightgowns over her head when she came out and showed her to the bedroom. I drank coffee on the couch all night long.
The next morning as I was getting ready to get to work she yelled at me. That this wasn't a fucking movie and who did I think I was and I shouldn't leave strangers alone in my home. She was still here when I got back. She yelled again the next day and the day after. The day after that we finally talked about it and then drove to her small apartment to get her things. I slept in my own bed that night for the first time since I'd brought her here. Her body was warm and soft and it reminded me of what gentleness feels like.