Tsuki ya aranu
Haru ya mukashi no
Haru naranu
Wa ga mi hitotsu wa
Moto no mi ni shite
Is not that the moon?
And is not the spring the same Spring of the old days?
My body is the same body --
Yet everything seems different. --Ariwara no Narihira (823-880)
I raise the curtains and go out
To watch the moon.
Leaning on the Balcony, I breathe the evening
Wind from the west, heavy with the
Odors of decaying Autumn. The rose jade of the river
Blends with the green jade of the void.
Hidden in the grass a cricket chirps.
Hidden in the sky storks cry out.
I turn over and over in
My heart the memories of
Other days. Tonight as always
There is no one to share my thoughts. --Chu Shu Chen
Ami shut the textbook suddenly with a great sigh. She couldn't possibly read another word. The restlessness was setting in again. This feeling of uneasiness, of dissatisfaction had been slowly infecting Ami for the past few years. Ever since... Ami stopped her thought before it began. No I'm not going to blame Sailor Pluto for these emotions or anyone else for that matter. But the fact remained that ever since Ami had returned from Crystal Tokyo, the future, she began to get these itchy feelings. At first, she thought it was stress over beginning high school, but when the restlessness continued, even worsened after high school Ami knew where it began. She just did not want to admit to herself that anything was different. But it was.
Ami could feel herself paying less attention to the textbooks. The pages upon pages of fact, diagrams and hypotheses seemed a part of the problem. The coldness of equations, the bareness of fact and the intricacies of theory used to soothe her, even comfort her. They had echoed her own loneliness and provided a solidity that her family, her father and her life had not before Usagi came along. Even after she became Sailor Mercury, they remained friends to her providing her the cool logic and wisdom when her strength lacked in battle. And yet, she saw the future, the sadness in her own eyes increased over time and how they, the textbooks and scientific knowledge had failed her ultimately. She still had on the same stupid fuku, the same haircut, the same everything. Nothing had changed. She hadn't evolved for a millenia. All the facts and figures in the world could not stop fate or destiny in this life or in any other.
Ami had grown apart from Usagi. She knew that it wasn't Usagi's fault that somehow she remained blessed out of all the senshi-- that fate had chosen her for eternal love, for a loving family in each and every lifetime. As Sailor Mercury, she would continue admiring Usagi, aiding her when she needed help. She knew beyond any doubt that she would continue to use her powers, her knowledge to better the world, to help it, to do her duty as a senshi. Yet after all the sacrifices -- Ami's own life, time and priorities-- at the end of the day her hands and heart remained empty.
So she had grown her hair out: she was tired of looking like a career woman. She changed her clothes to the more flattering and flirtatious designs of Setsuna. Ami began taking classes on drawing and watercolor. She spent more time with other senshi; meditating with Rei, going to plays with Minako, even cooking with Makoto. On cold clear nights in late autumn and early spring, she would swim in the ocean. All of these things had eased up some of her emptiness, but she still felt that thorn under her heart, a little prick and sting of loneliness. For a few moments, Ami sat her head bowed, limbs weighed down with self-pity with the inescapable chains of time and fate. No, dammit, I'm not gonna do this! Harvard Medical is just going to have to wait one afternoon. She threw her textbooks in the dustiest corner of her room.
Quickly shoving her bathing suit and towel into a bag, she scurried away from that dorm room trying to leave the dark feelings behind.
Mamoru leaned back in the bench. Closing his eyes, he reveled in the warmth of the Indian summer. Arms folded behind his head, he lost himself in the feel of the wind in his hair, ruffling his open collar.
"Hey Chiba!"
Mamoru opened one eye and looked up. A lopsided grin plastered his face as he looked up at his roommate, Paul. He slid over as Paul ungracefully plopped himself down on the wooden bench.
"Yeah?"
"Just wonderin' what your doin' on this lovely afternoon," He swept an arm into Mamoru's face indicating the whole of the campus in front of them.
"Well I was enjoying myself before you came along," he quipped pushing the arm away from his nose.
"Yeah that's what had me confused. Mamoru Chiba, devoted Harvard Medical student actually relaxing. Honestly, Chiba, you've got me worried."
Mamoru chuckled. "Is it that unusual to see me without a book in hand?"
"To tell you the truth..."
Mamoru knew Paul was waiting for some explanation or some retort.
But he didn't have either and didn't care to bandy words today. To be honest,
he did feel different, more relaxed, more at home then he had in weeks,
even months.
"See there it is again," Paul pointed at his face.
"What?"
"You're smiling...and honestly I'm kinda scared."
"Is this really a problem for you?"
Paul chuckled, "I was just gonna tell you whatever it is. Don't change it." He paused for a moment as something, rather someone, caught his eye, "Anyway, I have more important matters to attend to then just babysitting you. See ya later."
Mamoru looked after him and smiled as he watched Paul trying and failing to smooth talk some new Med student. Probably hitting her with the line about becoming study partners in Anatomy. He shook his head slowly, laughing silently to himself. Paul had been right though, he did feel changed. Seeing Ami had somehow put him at ease as if she brought comfort and familiarity with her from Tokyo.
He slowly closed his eyes again and remembered the surreal afternoon from a week ago. He had purposefully set out that day to experiment with his color photography. Needing an afternoon to wind down after the first few weeks of class, he set out towards the waterfront. All time seemed to slow the closer he walked to the park as if the afternoon was wrapped in the most delicate sepia lens. The light had been a dark gold, long-lined as only mid-October could provide. He had been focused on the graceful movements of the willows. Then to turn and see Ami, the afternoon gilded around her... Mamoru would have recognized that shade of blue anywhere and the same gentle, comforting smile he had seen so many times in and out of battle. Yet there were subtle differences surrounding her --longer hair, a free-flowing skirt rather than the usual school uniform or prim, sensible outfit.
(a week ago)
She walked slowly towards him moving as if the air were heavier around her. Smiling as quietly and gently as ever, she finally stopped a few feet in front of him. "I can't believe it's you." Was all she said.
"Usako never even mentioned you coming to the U.S. or I would have met you at the airport, showed you around, something."
Ami gently shook her head. "No, while that would have been nice, I wanted to get established on my own. I guess to see how well I manage my own independence away from my family and the senshi."
Mamoru opened his mouth to lecture her on friendship and how she should have called but quickly shut it again. He was just happy to see her, or anyone for that matter from Tokyo. He swiftly hugged her tightly then pushed her at arm's length to make sure she was real. She looked down and blushed intensely, overwhelmed by his impulsive behavior.
"Mamoru, I..."
Before she could finish, Mamoru interrupted, "How about dinner, I know a great restaurant right around the corner where we could talk and catch up."
Ami shook her head, "Honestly, I wish I could. I was just about to go meet with my Biochemistry professor."
"I understand, here let me give you my phone number and we'll meet some other time."
Ami nodded quietly pulling out a pen.
Mamoru stirred himself out of his recollections as the wind became cooler. Studying his watch for a moment, he grabbed his bag to go back to his apartment. Silently wondering if Ami would ever call, he looked up to see Ami walking rapidly past him.
"Ami!"
Ami turned and smiled at Mamoru, a bit startled to see him. "Mamoru, I didn't expect to see you so soon."
No she wasn't going to call anytime soon, he thought ruefully. "I was hoping you were going to call." Quickly taking in the damp tendrils clinging to her neck and the unmistakable smell of chlorine, he added, "I see you've found the pool."
Ami laughed gently, "Yes, you know me too well." She looked away studying the sunset as if it was some new form of cell division. A little frown creased her forehead as she remembered just a few weeks ago standing at the temple watching a similar sunset. The stillness was the same. And just for a moment --a little space of breath everything was frozen and quiet. And then it all broke through again birdsong, traffic, half-heard conversations. She turned her eyes away and looked up at Mamoru. Dazzled for a moment by the light, her eyes could barely discern his expression. He studied her intensely barely aware that he was, only aware of watching the subtle changes on her face...almost falling into her thoughts. Their eyes met for a moment, the fading light brightening his eyes behind his hair, her own eyes darker in the shadows. The shiny black wing of a crow flying overhead caught his eye and he fell out of her eye-light.
Mamoru kept his eye on the crow, watching it slowly preen its feathers as he addressed Ami, "So how about dinner, tonight?"
Ami opened her mouth to protest and quickly shut it. Honestly, did she have any good reason not to go besides her dripping mass of heavy, wet hair? Why not? "Yes, but perhaps I should go back to my dorm room and dry my hair." She fiddled with one damp tangle of hair and smiled up at him good-naturedly.
"Actually my apartment is on the way. You can use my hair dryer."
Ami tried to hide her smile. I always suspected he was high-maintenance.
Mamoru, however, caught the impish grin before she had the chance to hide it. In mock exasperation, he crossed his arms across his chest.
"What?"
"Well, it's nothing...I just.." Ami twisted her mouth and scrunched up her nose trying to hide her amusement, ─It's nothing."
"Honestly?"
"Yes, honestly," she answered with as much cool seriousness as she could muster. However, once she was handed the infamous hairdryer, she couldn't stop laughing. It had to be one of the most expensive hair dryers she had ever seen. Not even Minako's glossy, high- powered hairdryer ("Guaranteed to dry your hair in five minutes flat," Minako had chirped) could compare to the massive array of switches and extra parts designed for volume, sleekness, in settings like cool, humid, arid. Ami peered down the end of it like some microscope, half-expecting to see some sort of weather machine in the engine. Two minutes later though, her hair was dry, gracefully falling past her shoulders and softer than she remembered it ever being. A touch of gloss on her lips, a quick adjustment of her skirt and she was ready to go.
"So how do you like the hairdryer?" Mamoru called out from the front room.
"It's incredible. I half expected it to have some nuclear reactor inside. Where did you buy it?" Ami couldn't hide her incredulity.
Mamoru met her at the door, "To be honest, I don't know. I've never used it before. Usako bought it for some sort of anniversary present. I think it was the third month since I had bought her a banana split for the first time" He grinned at her, "But my roommate, Paul, he swears by it."
Ami shook her head, laughing and took Mamoru's offered arm. Finally lifting smiling eyes to his face, she asked, "What restaurant are we going to?"
"Maria's."
"Do they serve sandwiches?"
Mamoru glanced down at Ami inquiringly, "No, why?"
"I'm just a little bit tired of sandwiches."
Ami finally gave up on her fork. Every time she tried to cut the slice of baklava, the pastry slipped and crumbled. Eying the sticky dessert like a tactician, she carefully picked it up and began nibbling a little off the end. She proceeded to methodically eat the rest of the dessert, relishing each bite. I must tell Mako-chan about this dessert. After finishing the last crumb, she delicately licked the remaining honey from her fingertips unconciously. Mamoru watched fascinated; all of the senshi are so different he mused. Usako would have eaten the Mediterranean dinner quickly, no, voraciously. It seemed to mirror the headlong passion she threw into everything she did. Rei always ate as if it were a duty, but always with poise. Minako was a great deal like Usako, perhaps a bit more conscientious but almost as enthusiastic. Makoto always seemed to be studying the meal, dissecting the flavors as she took in each mouth full. In the past, he noticed Ami eating with a book in one hand, a sandwich in the other, for convenience and nutrition, never for the experience. But watching her eat the baklava in slow, intense bites, he was amazed to watch her carefully and gracefully savor each bite. She's changed. As she related her story about leaving Tokyo, laughing over the senshi fussing over her, he found himself distracted by the way her small, full mouth licked the honey from each fingertip. "...and then Makoto brought out this enormous fern and I knew there was no way I could get it through customs," Ami laughed remembering the tearful speech Makoto gave about how taking care of plants can be therapeutic, all the while blowing her nose as she related the proper watering technique.
Mamoru fell back into the conversation, "So what did Usako give you?"
Ami looked at her upturned hands with a slight smile, "Usagi." She looked up met his dark blue eyes with her own. "They all gave me something beautiful, something special. Mina gave me a book of Shakespeare's Romances."Ami remembered the tearful inscription about finding love and how friends remain -- Minako at her most eloquent. She could still trace the little salty droplets on the page. "Mako-chan gave me that fern, but she also gave me a pair of ice skates"Makoto had hugged her tightly squeezing out her air fiercely whispering, "You're as graceful on the ice as you are in the water. Don't forget to keep your balance." "Rei-chan brought me a book of Kanji poetry." Smiling through tears, Rei had handed her the carefully wrapped book of hand- stitched paper, Rei's graceful Kanji writing was folded into a thin sheet of rice paper -- the ink had dried slowly looking more like tear stains than the usual bold brush strokes of the fiery priestess. The words finally caused Ami to cry. Ice and fire, we are opposites it seems. Who would know that two such different women can be sisters of the same soul. Then finally Usagi came running up exhausted, happy, tearful, all of those emotions that quickly wore Ami out.
"Usagi gave me a picture." The picture was perfect --a large, bright picture of all the senshi together. Ami startled into a laugh wore a big smile squished between the vibrant Usagi and the elegant Rei. Makoto was attempting to hug all of the girls at once, and Minako flashed her dazzling smile also caught in a laughing fit. Usagi had broken down into tears hugging her oldest friend to her in a stifling embrace, rubbing a very wet cheek into Ami's hair. Leaving had been harder than she ever expected.
Ami had been quiet for several moments, her cup of hot tea forgotten as she mused. Mamoru studied her; he had felt similarly lonesome leaving Usako and the other girls. They had become his friends and family. Gently he placed his own hand over her empty palm for reassurance. She looked up startled at the contact. She pulled her hand away too fast, then looked away from his own confused expression. Quickly scanning around for something to talk about her eyes landed on a black-and-white photograph on the wall of a deserted town. Softly clearing her throat, she quietly asked, "When did you begin photography?"
Mamoru knew she was trying to pull the moment apart, and he was grateful for the distraction. "I became interested in it during my short-lived modeling career. Perhaps the only thing fruitful out of that venture besides the paycheck." He grimaced for a moment then looked up to see the amusement shining in her eyes.
"I forgot about that." She tried to hide her smile behind a napkin.
"I wish I could." A smile teasing at the corners of his mouth. "At any rate, if you're really interested I would be happy to show some of the pictures I've taken so far."
Ami's eyes brightened. Yes, she was intrigued. She slightly tilted her head as she considered his proposal. "Tonight?"
"Why not?"
She briefly considered her homework, studying the darkening sky outside with a frown. Perhaps, I should finish my homework tonight.
Then looking again at Mamoru's somewhat hopeful expression, she couldn't help but smile and nod.