Yuletide
'The dwarves groaned and looked most distressed, and Bilbo wept. They had begun to think Gandalf was going to come all the way and would be there to help them out of difficulties. 'I am not going to disappear this very instant," said he. "I can give you a day or two more. Probably I can help you out of your present plight, and I need a little help myself. We have no food, and no baggage, and no ponies to ride; and you don't know where you are."
Why did the dwarves groan and Bilbo cry? Why had they thought Gandalf would be going all the way? Why could Gandalf only give them a day or two more? What was the present plight they were in? What help did Gandalf need himself? Why did they not have any food, baggage or ponies? Why did they not know where they were?
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Part One. Trouble at the Pole
Bilbo Baggins was enjoying himself immensely. It was the Yuletide season, and the SBs had (thankfully) gone away on vacation. Bilbo had no problems whatsoever, except that of deciding what to give who for Christmas.
Except that was a pretty big problem. You see, Bilbo... had a list. And it had to be checked twice.
Aha, didn't know that, did you? This Bilbo is really a most fascinating and mysterious person. We never know what he'll be up to next.
Welcome to the North Pole, Mirkwood Entrance. I'm Legolas, and I shall be your guide for today. I'm sorry that Santa's Head Elf can't make it right now, he was eating at Jabba's new pizza parlor--- what was it called again? Pizza the Hutt??? --- And he got pretty sick, so I had to take his place. Well, as you can see, we're all pretty busy right now. Everyone is up to their elbows in toy orders, gift wrap and glue.
If you don't mind, I'll just do my work as normally as possible, and point out the high points of this place as we pass. I really can't be bothered that much right now. I'm so hassled; I actually saw a hair escape my braids this morning. Can you imagine?
Of course you can't. Hey, what are you looking at? Oh, those? huffs I can't believe the nerve of those Dwarves, prancing about. Just 'cause they have four hooves and axe-lers, you'd think they don't have any responsibilities here. And fancy spotted fawn coats! Pretty nice togs for simply pulling Santa's sleigh.
What the... hey! Stop it! Look at them; they're teasing that old one again. Gandalf, I think he's called. Born with a red nose. The others treat him like a freak. Well, he's not. Actually, I think he's pretty bright. Learned to talk before any of the others. He also learned how to use a staff to help him move around, imagine. He's amazing.
"Legolas!!! LEGOLAAAASSSSS!!!!!"
Oh dear, it's Santa. For such a small, chubby man, he's got such a nasty temper nowadays. It's enough to make my hair curl, and then I'd look just like him--- straight down to his furry toes. I wonder what he wants.
"Can't you do anything about that fog out there? How am I supposed to see anything with that soup up?"
Yes, Santa. Of course. Immediately. Funny how he's so nice as Bilbo during the regular year, and turns all crabby during Christmas. Must be all the milk and cookies. Maybe he's lactose intolerant. Maybe you would like a flashlight to help you see?
"Not unless it was tied to a reindwarf's nose. In that fog I'd need two hands and a lantern to find my own nose!"
Well I never. Of course! Santa, why not ask Gandalf to lead your sleigh tonight? His red nose is pretty bright.
"Legolas, you are a GENIUS! I knew there was a brain under all that blonde hair..."
Oh man... just what I need... insincere compliments. He'll be asking me to accompany him next. Would you please come with me?
Part Two. Jingle Bells Medley
{Let us pause for a slight interlude... Music, Professor!}
Da-shing thru the snow
In a twelve-Dwarf o-pen sleigh
O'er the fields we go (ha-ha)
La-ughing all the way
Bells on bobsleds ring
Making spirits bright
What fun it is to ride and sing
A slei-ghing song to-night
Hey! Jingle Bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to ride
In a twelve-Dwarf o-pen sleigh.
=
Gandalf the red-nosed Reindwarf
Had a very shiny nose
And if you ever saw him
You would even say it glows
All of the other Reindwarves
Used to laugh and call him names
They never let poor Gandalf
Join in any Reindwarf games.
=
Till I saw Legsie dissing Santa Claus
'Cause of all the fog outside last night.
Told Bilbo where to go
(Out there in all that snow)
But sent Gandalf along to light his way...
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{Okay, enough singing. Time to get serious... sort of...}
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Part Three. The Questions Answered
Snow, snow, snow, ooh! Chimney! And more snow... hm... Tree, over there... snow...
Everything's so white, drat it. Even the air is white, what with all this fog. Thank Eru that Gandalf's nose is light enough for us to see. I mean, Santa's eyes are clear enough, but I still don't want to risk bumping into anything. And I can't uncover my face. I'll get windburned!
We've passed close to 200,000 homes by now, I think, give or take a few. I wonder if Santa is getting tired of milk and cookies yet. But of course not. These hobbits... they move around like mice, and eat like Charybdis. Awful. All those calories.
Anyway, wasn't my idea the most wonderful thing ever? Aren't I so, so great? Gandalf's such a lifesaver. He lets us travel so fast, and that idea of his to travel counter-clockwise around the world so that we can practically stop time because of our counter-spin is sooo brilliant. I think we've spent, like, forty-two hours on end already, and, like, the sun hasn't risen yet! Wow! We can actually finish giving out gifts to Middle-Earth like this! And they'll all think we finished in one night!
And look--- we've actually passed Arnor!
"We have?"
Yes, Gandalf, we've passed Arnor. Only 870,540 homes left to visit.
"Well then... you can do this on your own. I'm beat."
What!!! No, Gandalf, don't go! How are we supposed to SEE anything?! We'll never be finished if you leave, and you know how many children will be upset by that!
Look, you've gone and made Santa cry. And listen to the other Reindwarves! Moaning and groaning. Please don't go!
Please, Gandalf. Just this once. Please, let's complete Middle-Earth. Go all the way with us? Pretty please?
"Oh, all right... I am not going to disappear this very instant anyway."
Great!
"I can give you a day or two more, to finish giving out gifts. Probably I can help you out of your present plight, and I need a little help myself. We have no food, and soon, no baggage, and no ponies to ride; and you don't know where you are."
Yes we do. We're somewhere over... over... Arnor?
Huh? What's happening? Santa? Santa!!! Where are you?!
Have you dropped Santa? And the gifts... What happened to the gifts?!
"I dropped them." Ahhh!!!! You and your evil--- why'd you drop them?! "To finish giving out gifts easier."
Is that the Sea under us?! Where are we?!?!?! GANDALF!!!
"Oh and you think I know????? I'm just an old Reindwarf!"
But... but...
"Face it, we're lost. I'm hungry, and I'm tired, and you can go get yourself a pony somewhere, because we Reindwarves are not flying anyone, anywhere, anymore."
Since when have you become a champion of your specie?
Don't you dare shrug at me!
And... and... what are you doing? Hey, don't chuck me out of the sleigh! Hey! HEY!!!
Gandaaaaaaalllllffffff!!!!!
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And until now, the body of the Mirkwood Elf-prince has not yet been found... The police believe that he was a victim of foul play. Their main suspect is the Prince's employer, the wanted kidnapper known by the alias Santa Claus...
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The End.