Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
Write, for example, "The night is shattered and the blue stars shiver in the distance."
The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines. I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.
Through the nights like this one I held her in my arms. I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.
She loved me, sometimes I loved her too. How could one not have loved her great still eyes.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines. To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have
lost her.
To hear the immense night, still more immense
without her. And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.
What does it matter that my love could not keep her. The night is shattered and she is not with me.
This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the
distance. My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
My sight searches for her as though to go to her. My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.
The same night whitening the same trees. We, of that time, are no longer the same.
I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her. My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.
Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before. Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.
I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her. Love is so short, forgetting is so long.
Because through nights like this one I held her in
my arms my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer and these the last verses that I write for her.
Pablo Neruda Trans. By W.S. Merwin
...The ticket comes... from the place of forgiving, where so much suffering washes things new. There, you forgive even lovers who've left you for others and you are washed clean and shiny as the new moon. There, you meet both the earnest and stupid fates. You're everywhere and nowhere, molecular as the air. It is hard to bear grudges when suffering has pared you down to a smile.
Excerpt from The Book of Snow By Mary Moore
Evening Prayers
They were nowhere, caught in the in between place. At least that is what Ami wanted to imagine as they flew over the Pacific. Blue above and below accompanied by the quiet rustle of passengers stirring in their sleep. She certainly felt closer to dreams than reality. They spent the long flight almost touching. Elbows rested at millimeters from one another, forearms and the soft sides of their hands warming the other without actual contact. Perhaps it was the close quarters, the dimmed lights or soft shift of winds underneath, the plane began to feel more like the inside of a temple –a perfect time and place for a confession or an evening prayer. Ami studied his quiet profile, his still lips and turned back to look at the sky. The stars seemed close thrumming with pulses of light closer than the city lights ever allowed.
She wanted to ask him so many things, to make demands on him. She wanted to say things like what did it mean to you, is it love, where do we go from here. Was it love? She turned the question over in her mind and knew the answer. He didn't have to say it. His touch every time he held her, his kisses the way he traced the fine bones of her face spoke true. As for the future she knew. She had held his heart in her own had reached beneath his solar plexus beneath layers of skin and tissue and knew what he would do. The moments he held her had been a now and a present and a sharp immediate minute. Looking at him now she could see it behind the shadows under his eyes—the future. It was rushing up to meet them even now in this place where time seemed to slow. See me...remember me...please remember. The words were bleeding behind her lips, a whisper, a prayer. But the words never touched her tongue just clutched the back of her throat.
She already knew the answers at any rate. Each kiss had been the sweeter perhaps for being stolen from time. Ami had known each moment his hair whispered across her collarbone between her breasts that she was grasping more than him. She had been stealing handfuls of the future. It had not been much. And I would not give it back.
He would return to Usagi. They would marry, have children and create that future. The future was still pristine, angular, crystal. There was that one little change though the one she would hide behind her heart. When lonely, it will flutter behind her heart as a reminder. Purple veined, velvet soft --to open her mouth now would shake the scales from its wings. She contemplated all this within studying the wavering blue of sea and sky.
Ami finally turned again to Mamoru. She watched as a golden crescent of light arced across his lips. Tracing up to his temple resting there for a moment like some soft kiss before twisting out of reach. The passenger in front of them finally gave up on adjusting their reading light. It was enough. Mamoru finally stirred. He looked up through his bangs smiling softly. He laid one fingertip on the outside bone of her wrist.
"I love you." His mouth traced the words. He kissed the tops of her fingers before Ami turned away. It all felt so close. The blue sky caving in and the sea pushing up to meet the moon, she felt trapped by his even darker blue eyes. His words had agitated that little flutter-bye. Pushing against her heart, her eyes into her mouth. She turned back to see him staring at her.
"I love you too." She whispered it, her head bowed –soft as prayer.
He pulled her head onto his wide shoulder. Her nose pressed against the warm corner where his neck and jaw met. She finally fell asleep with his hands at her nape tangled in her hair.
Ami woke still half-dreaming. The turbulence of landing jostled her out of sleep. She could not remember what the dream had been about but touched her cheek to find tears. She looked up at Mamoru as they landed. He held her gaze turning away for a moment as the plane came to a standstill. He reached under his seat pulling out a small travel bag. When he reached for her hand, he placed something in her palm. Its solid weight startled her wrist to drop. Looking into his eyes, they were shining as if stars had drowned in them. They are a deep secret well reflecting cold midnight stars. His smile though held all the bitterness of an uncertain type of goodbye. He drew her hand into his twining fingers, crossing life, fate and love lines.
They walked into the terminal, already out of step. Mamoru let go of her hand, opening his arms as Usagi threw herself headlong at him. Ami stepped aside smiling softly. It's all as it should be. She quickly found herself at the epicenter of her friends. The turbulence has ended. It was a welcome chaos as they drew her apart from Usagi and Mamoru. Makoto grabbed her luggage tags and headed towards the pickup. Mina deposited a cold can of tea into her free hand. Rei finally stepped forward with a wry smile and quick welcome. She looked back once to see Mamoru smiling at her without malice, without bitterness just warmth. Mina grinned at her, "I think we should give them some time to get reacquainted."
Rei rolled her eyes but complied by steering Ami after Makoto. She reached down to tug Ami's hand gently. "Ami, what's this?"
Ami finally remembered through the confusion the weight in her right hand. She looked down quizzically.
"Is it some sort of stone? A memento?"
It was the color of twilit sky and forget-me-nots. Ami ran a hand over the hard surface trying to pull the mystery out of its blue-blue surface. "I don't know. It looks like a piece of..." her words faltered for a moment. "Zoisite."
"I left you for a fey green-eyed man but you were the solemn host, archival keeper of my lost future,"
from Ghosts by Mary Moore
Fin
AN: Perhaps this ending is not long enough to suit some but I'm afraid if I stretched it out any more I would just be adding in extraneous garbage. I do appreciate everyone who has been patient enough to read and even somewhat like this story. I've been humbled by everyone's reviews and hope this somehow meets expectations. I'm afraid sometimes too, characters can be stubborn and do not want to bend they way that we want them to. I certainly struggled with whether or not they should stay together and even fight fate perhaps. This story however has always been bitter and fragrant. Mamoru was too dutiful for my taste I suppose and too kind. I realized a few months ago that he would give Ami the stone. It's a new beginning in some ways and perhaps a bit of hope. This was my first and most painful experience in fanfiction that has somehow survived some of my most trying years. It has survived my attempt at grad school, my engagement, my wedding, two jobs, my grandparents' deaths, the birth of my nephews and my own perennial procrastination attempts. Maybe its time for something a bit lighter : )! So thanks minna! Please leave all flames and comments below as both are appreciated.
PS for music afficiandos: This chapter's soundtrack consisted almost primarily of The
Rachel's and their excellent album systems/layers with some help from
Azure Ray's LP Hold on Love
Write, for example, "The night is shattered and the blue stars shiver in the distance."
The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines. I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.
Through the nights like this one I held her in my arms. I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.
She loved me, sometimes I loved her too. How could one not have loved her great still eyes.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines. To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have
lost her.
To hear the immense night, still more immense
without her. And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.
What does it matter that my love could not keep her. The night is shattered and she is not with me.
This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the
distance. My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
My sight searches for her as though to go to her. My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.
The same night whitening the same trees. We, of that time, are no longer the same.
I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her. My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.
Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before. Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.
I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her. Love is so short, forgetting is so long.
Because through nights like this one I held her in
my arms my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer and these the last verses that I write for her.
Pablo Neruda Trans. By W.S. Merwin
...The ticket comes... from the place of forgiving, where so much suffering washes things new. There, you forgive even lovers who've left you for others and you are washed clean and shiny as the new moon. There, you meet both the earnest and stupid fates. You're everywhere and nowhere, molecular as the air. It is hard to bear grudges when suffering has pared you down to a smile.
Excerpt from The Book of Snow By Mary Moore
Evening Prayers
They were nowhere, caught in the in between place. At least that is what Ami wanted to imagine as they flew over the Pacific. Blue above and below accompanied by the quiet rustle of passengers stirring in their sleep. She certainly felt closer to dreams than reality. They spent the long flight almost touching. Elbows rested at millimeters from one another, forearms and the soft sides of their hands warming the other without actual contact. Perhaps it was the close quarters, the dimmed lights or soft shift of winds underneath, the plane began to feel more like the inside of a temple –a perfect time and place for a confession or an evening prayer. Ami studied his quiet profile, his still lips and turned back to look at the sky. The stars seemed close thrumming with pulses of light closer than the city lights ever allowed.
She wanted to ask him so many things, to make demands on him. She wanted to say things like what did it mean to you, is it love, where do we go from here. Was it love? She turned the question over in her mind and knew the answer. He didn't have to say it. His touch every time he held her, his kisses the way he traced the fine bones of her face spoke true. As for the future she knew. She had held his heart in her own had reached beneath his solar plexus beneath layers of skin and tissue and knew what he would do. The moments he held her had been a now and a present and a sharp immediate minute. Looking at him now she could see it behind the shadows under his eyes—the future. It was rushing up to meet them even now in this place where time seemed to slow. See me...remember me...please remember. The words were bleeding behind her lips, a whisper, a prayer. But the words never touched her tongue just clutched the back of her throat.
She already knew the answers at any rate. Each kiss had been the sweeter perhaps for being stolen from time. Ami had known each moment his hair whispered across her collarbone between her breasts that she was grasping more than him. She had been stealing handfuls of the future. It had not been much. And I would not give it back.
He would return to Usagi. They would marry, have children and create that future. The future was still pristine, angular, crystal. There was that one little change though the one she would hide behind her heart. When lonely, it will flutter behind her heart as a reminder. Purple veined, velvet soft --to open her mouth now would shake the scales from its wings. She contemplated all this within studying the wavering blue of sea and sky.
Ami finally turned again to Mamoru. She watched as a golden crescent of light arced across his lips. Tracing up to his temple resting there for a moment like some soft kiss before twisting out of reach. The passenger in front of them finally gave up on adjusting their reading light. It was enough. Mamoru finally stirred. He looked up through his bangs smiling softly. He laid one fingertip on the outside bone of her wrist.
"I love you." His mouth traced the words. He kissed the tops of her fingers before Ami turned away. It all felt so close. The blue sky caving in and the sea pushing up to meet the moon, she felt trapped by his even darker blue eyes. His words had agitated that little flutter-bye. Pushing against her heart, her eyes into her mouth. She turned back to see him staring at her.
"I love you too." She whispered it, her head bowed –soft as prayer.
He pulled her head onto his wide shoulder. Her nose pressed against the warm corner where his neck and jaw met. She finally fell asleep with his hands at her nape tangled in her hair.
Ami woke still half-dreaming. The turbulence of landing jostled her out of sleep. She could not remember what the dream had been about but touched her cheek to find tears. She looked up at Mamoru as they landed. He held her gaze turning away for a moment as the plane came to a standstill. He reached under his seat pulling out a small travel bag. When he reached for her hand, he placed something in her palm. Its solid weight startled her wrist to drop. Looking into his eyes, they were shining as if stars had drowned in them. They are a deep secret well reflecting cold midnight stars. His smile though held all the bitterness of an uncertain type of goodbye. He drew her hand into his twining fingers, crossing life, fate and love lines.
They walked into the terminal, already out of step. Mamoru let go of her hand, opening his arms as Usagi threw herself headlong at him. Ami stepped aside smiling softly. It's all as it should be. She quickly found herself at the epicenter of her friends. The turbulence has ended. It was a welcome chaos as they drew her apart from Usagi and Mamoru. Makoto grabbed her luggage tags and headed towards the pickup. Mina deposited a cold can of tea into her free hand. Rei finally stepped forward with a wry smile and quick welcome. She looked back once to see Mamoru smiling at her without malice, without bitterness just warmth. Mina grinned at her, "I think we should give them some time to get reacquainted."
Rei rolled her eyes but complied by steering Ami after Makoto. She reached down to tug Ami's hand gently. "Ami, what's this?"
Ami finally remembered through the confusion the weight in her right hand. She looked down quizzically.
"Is it some sort of stone? A memento?"
It was the color of twilit sky and forget-me-nots. Ami ran a hand over the hard surface trying to pull the mystery out of its blue-blue surface. "I don't know. It looks like a piece of..." her words faltered for a moment. "Zoisite."
"I left you for a fey green-eyed man but you were the solemn host, archival keeper of my lost future,"
from Ghosts by Mary Moore
Fin
AN: Perhaps this ending is not long enough to suit some but I'm afraid if I stretched it out any more I would just be adding in extraneous garbage. I do appreciate everyone who has been patient enough to read and even somewhat like this story. I've been humbled by everyone's reviews and hope this somehow meets expectations. I'm afraid sometimes too, characters can be stubborn and do not want to bend they way that we want them to. I certainly struggled with whether or not they should stay together and even fight fate perhaps. This story however has always been bitter and fragrant. Mamoru was too dutiful for my taste I suppose and too kind. I realized a few months ago that he would give Ami the stone. It's a new beginning in some ways and perhaps a bit of hope. This was my first and most painful experience in fanfiction that has somehow survived some of my most trying years. It has survived my attempt at grad school, my engagement, my wedding, two jobs, my grandparents' deaths, the birth of my nephews and my own perennial procrastination attempts. Maybe its time for something a bit lighter : )! So thanks minna! Please leave all flames and comments below as both are appreciated.
PS for music afficiandos: This chapter's soundtrack consisted almost primarily of The
Rachel's and their excellent album systems/layers with some help from
Azure Ray's LP Hold on Love