AN: Wow. I found this chapter and realized that I hadn't posted it. I have another few pages handwritten and as soon as I move into my new place and sort through my papers, hopefully I can type it in and post it. Maybe some people are still interested in this, I know I have been reinspired.
At the doctor's office, Dr. Clark gives Sandy several forms to complete as he asks Ryan about his medical history. Dr. Clark is a white-haired man with kind green eyes.
Kirsten and Sandy are startled by Ryan's honest answers about his family history. They are also surprised to find out that Ryan hasn't seen a doctor outside of the emergency room since he was five years old.
"Any history of broken bones?"
"Ankle, wrist, collarbone…do ribs count?" Ryan asks.
"Yes," The doctor nods. "Surgery."
Ryan hesitates. "I had a bullet removed from my hip when I was thirteen." He keeps his face blank as Kirsten gasps.
"Allergies?"
"I knew I'd finally get on I could say 'no' to," Ryan sighs relieved.
Dr. Clark makes Ryan take several x-rays, paying special attention to his chest due to some strange sounds he heard during his physical exam.
The doctor meets with them all first.
"Ryan suffered a mild concussion but appears to be fully recovered besides that headache. Some of your cuts need stitches, but they seem to be healing okay so we've used liquid stitches. He has 2 broken ribs and a fractured collarbone."
Ryan sighs heavily, leaning forward.
"Sandy? Kirsten? I need to see you in here," Dr Clark leads them into his office, leaving Ryan alone in the deserted waiting room.
"Dr. Clark?" Kirsten calls.
"Ryan…it seems like he was abused," Dr. Clark states, quietly.
Sandy glances at Kirsten. "We suspected but…"
"He doesn't talk much," Dr. Clark sighs. "I like that in a kid."
"What kind of abuse, Doctor?" Kirsten asks.
"There are scars from cigar and cigarette burns that have been healed for some time. There are newer scars, slashes in places that the boy couldn't have reached on his own. His x-rays are peppered with healed fractures and scar tissue." Dr. Clark sits down. "The boy looks to be very healthy besides his injuries. It seems like he knows how to take care of himself. His shoulder was dislocated, but he repaired it just as good as a doctor would have."
"What about his head injury?" Kirsten asks, still pale.
"He'll have a headache for a while but he should be fine. I do recommend that you send him to a therapist," Dr. Clark says.
"Why?" Sandy asks, surprised.
"With the history of abuse and his family history of mental illness…I'm worried about his mental stability. He's introverted, unwilling to communicate when he's in pain or in trouble…and he's apathetic. I mean, he's obviously a bright young man, but he doesn't seem to care that he was almost beaten to death yesterday. He's accustomed to being hurt, he thinks he deserves it somehow. It's just a recommendation, the final decision is between you and Ryan."
Kirsten and Sandy nod, understanding.
"I'm going to write him some prescriptions for painkillers and muscle relaxants. He'll probably suffer through some muscle spasms but hopefully we can stop them before they start. I want you to bring him back in next week for a follow-up. There's not much we can do for his ribs except make sure that he takes it easy and let them heal. Don't let him get into any more fights if you can help it."
"He's grounded. That'll solve that," Sandy sighs. "We'll discuss therapy with him."
"I must say, I think you did that kid a favor. He's been through a lot, just looking at his x-rays…" Dr. Clark says, walking them to the door of his office with a handful of prescriptions.
"Thank you for seeing him, Doctor Clark, we really appreciate it," Kirsten thanks him.
"Tell Seth I said hello," He smiles.
Sandy and Kirsten return to the waiting room and find Ryan asleep in his chair. Kirsten wakes him and they go to the car.
Ryan is silent for most of the ride. Sandy and Kirsten are also quiet and pensive.
"Can I ask what the doctor told you guys to make you look at me like I'm deformed?" Ryan asks, suddenly, breaking the tension.
"Ryan…" Kirsten hesitates. Sandy pulls the car up to the pharmacy and leaves his wife with Ryan as he goes inside. "The doctor showed us your x-rays."
"Yeah?" Ryan replies. "I've been beat up a few times. So what?"
"Cigarette burns, untreated fractures and broken bones…I don't think you got all those in schoolyard fights, Ryan. It…" Kirsten starts.
"It's over. It was all a long time ago," Ryan replies. "It's been a long time since anyone could hurt me without me hurting them back."
"When you first came to stay with us, Ryan…your face was bruised…" Kirsten says, turning around to face him in the backseat. "Who did that to you? Your mom's boyfriend…"
"Mrs. Cohen, it's not important…" Ryan evades.
"It is important. It's important to me. And Sandy. You're our responsibility now and we don't know anything about you, Ryan. What you've been through, what's happened to you in the past…" Kirsten explains. "Whatever happened to you has made you the person you are today."
Ryan is silent, his blue eyes cold.
"Ryan. We're worried about you…"
"I'm sorry I got into the fight. I'm sorry that this is upsetting you so much…but I'm fine. I've been fine a long time…" Ryan protests. "I'm the same kid you just took into that doctor's office, I'm sorry that you've changed your opinion of me since you found out that some people were mean to me. I'm not a victim."
Sandy returns. He hands the bag full of prescriptions to Ryan who sinks back into silence. Sandy glances at Kirsten, hoping that she talked to Ryan during his absence but gets a pale shaking of the head from his wife urging him not to speak.
Back at the house, Sandy and Kirsten don't have a chance to speak to Ryan before he retreats into the pool house.
"Well? Is he okay?" Seth asks, appearing in the kitchen. "You guys look like someone's dying."
"No one's dying…Ryan has some broken ribs and a fractured collarbone. He…he's in the pool house," Sandy replies.
"Can I go talk to him?" Seth asks.
"Go on," Kirsten nods.
Seth rushes down to the pool house. He doesn't see Ryan when he knocks on the door and peers through the window. He opens the door and steps inside, looking for his friend.
"Ryan. What happened?" Seth kneels beside his friend when he finds him sitting in the darkened hallway.
"I just need to be by myself, Seth…I need to pull myself together…" Ryan murmurs, his blue eyes glazed with emotion.
"Ryan, snap out of it. Look at me, Ry? Come on…" Seth says, getting chilled at his friend's loss of control.
"There's just some things I don't talk about, Seth…ever…I just don't talk about it…I can't…" Ryan mutters, not meeting his worried gaze.
"Chill out, Ryan, okay? Nobody's asking you anything…" Seth replies.
"Go, Seth. Just go…I can't…I can't see anyone right now, okay? I can't…" Ryan pulls himself to his feet and shakily makes his way to the bathroom, locking himself inside.
Seth lets himself out and returns to the main house.
"Seth?" Sandy calls, surprised to see him back.
"I don't know what you said to him, but you definitely fucked him up…" Seth mutters, starting for the stairs.
"Seth. What do you mean?" Kirsten asks, the tone of her voice stopping him cold.
"Just what I said. I saw him hold it together when Marissa was almost dead. I watched him hold it together last night when he was almost dead. I bring him home like you ask so you can help him, and you guys break him down like a little girl. Good job." Seth leaves, angry. He calls Summer's house and fills her in on Ryan's mood. Marissa leaves Summer's immediately to go home so she can come over to try and talk to Ryan.
Ryan undresses, leaving the medications untouched on the sink. He turns the water to hot and steps inside, letting the scalding water distract him from his aching body. He has to wash away his nerves. He has to make himself stone again. He can't let the Cohen's concerned questioning get to him. He has to be strong. He left his old life behind. He has a new life here.
His skin screams in pain as he lets the hot water run over him. Finally, after several minutes, he steps out and redresses. He stands in front of the mirror. He is still the same. His reddened skin has not scrubbed away the evidence. Ryan Atwood. Failure. Criminal. Delinquent. Junkie. He sees his mother's reflection in his eyes. Impulsively, he punches the mirror, shattering it and slicing his hand. He doesn't feel the pain, only relief at the disappearance of his reflection. His body is tight with tension and a tremor of pain rushes through him, increasing his trembling. He stands up straight. He can get through this. None of this matters. He has to keep going.
Ryan steps out of the bathroom and finds Kirsten sitting on the couch in the pool house.
"Hey."
"You okay?" Kirsten asks, quietly.
"Yeah. I'm fine."
"Did you take your medicine?"
"Yeah," He lies.
"Really?" Kirsten raises an eyebrow.
"Yeah," He repeats.
"What happened to your hand?" She asks, standing up as she sees blood dripping from his hand.
"Oh. Yeah. I cut it," Ryan answers, quietly, glancing at his forgotten wound.
He allows Kirsten to examine his hand and bandage it. Exhaustion hits him as he sits on the bed.
"I'm sorry we upset you, Ryan."
"It's okay. I should have known you'd start to ask questions at some point," Ryan replies. He hesitates. "I haven't taken the medicine."
She looks at him, surprised. "Why not?"
"I don't want to take them," He says, quietly.
"They're to help you with the pain…"
"I can take it," Ryan replies.
"Ryan…"
"I don't like drugs. I…I used to use drugs, Mrs. Cohen. A long time ago. I had a problem and I dealt with it. I don't want to take them," He replies, his voice a whisper.
"Okay, Ryan. The doctor said you might have muscle spasms…"
"I'll be okay. I just…I've got enough on my mind right now and if I start taking those drugs…I don't know if I'll be able to stop again," Ryan admits.
"Okay, Ryan," She replies, grateful for his honesty.
Ryan meets her gaze for the first time since she arrived. "I worked hard to become who I am. I'm not like my mother. I won't be like my father. I'm not like all those cruel bastards that used to fuck me up. I'm not an addict. I've had some rough spots, but I'm still here. I've lost control of…everything…but I can't lose focus." His eyes flash darkly.
"Focus of what, Ryan? What are you focusing on?" Kirsten asks, quietly, wanting him to keep talking.
"I keep focused…I have to keep focused on…going on," He mutters, covering his face with his bandaged hand. "I don't want to talk about that stuff you're asking…" A tremor runs through him but he doesn't react visibly even though it shakes the bed.
"I know you don't, Ryan, but it's a part of you, you know that right? Everything that you've been through made you who you are. And you should deal with it," Kirsten says, gently.
"I have dealt with it. I've been dealing with it for sixteen years. I…" Ryan starts.
"Ryan. I don't think you're dealing with it." Kirsten takes his bandaged hand and holds it up to his face. "Punching a mirror is not dealing with it."
Ryan is quiet. "I know."
"Okay." Kirsten brushes his hair from his face, tenderly. "You have to trust us, okay? Sandy and I, we're not your parents. But we are taking care of you now, as much as you'll let us."
Ryan nods.
"You have to start talking to us. We don't know you. We don't know anything about you that really matters. It's not going to change the way we feel about you, it'll help us understand," Kirsten says.
"Okay," Ryan whispers.
"I know you're trying to adjust and you're getting a lot of stuff thrown at you, but we're not the enemy…"
Ryan meets her gaze. "I don't think you're the enemy. I don't talk about…that stuff with anyone. I never have. It's not something you talk about. You just deal with it. I dealt with it."
"You're going to be dealing with it for the rest of your life. The way those people that hurt you made you feel, that's still in your head," Kirsten says. "And I have to be honest with you, I'm worried about you. You do things without considering your own health. Fighting with Luke, jumping boys with guns…burning down houses…don't you care about yourself?"
"I take care of myself…" Ryan responds, startled.
"But do you care, Ryan? Don't you see how special and important you are? Don't you care whether you live or die?" Kirsten asks, seriously.
Ryan opens his mouth to reply but doesn't speak.
"You should get some rest. I'll come get you for lunch." Kirsten stands up to leave.
"I'm sorry, Mrs. Cohen, that I can't give you the answers that you want," Ryan says as she stands by the door.
"I hope you'll at least think about what I've said…" Kirsten sighs.
"I am. I have been. I listen when you talk. I just…I can't give you the answers that you want."
Kirsten pauses. "Ryan. Do you want me to take that medication inside?"
Ryan thinks for a moment then goes and gets the bag. He gives it to her. "Thanks."
"If you change your mind…if you want to take some of these, I'll monitor what I give you," Kirsten says.
"That's okay. I'll be fine." Ryan's eyes flicker for a moment but he doesn't add anything. Kirsten leaves him alone.
Ryan lies down on the bed, exhausted. He changes his mind and gets up, turning off all the lights. He has closed all the blinds except the set over the door when Marissa knocks.
He swings open the door, surprised to see her. She tiptoes past him, taking his arm and turning him to face her.
She doesn't speak but puts her hand against his face. She searches his eyes, but he turns away, his emotions too close to the surface.
"What happened?" She asks, watching him walk slowly away from her.
"Nothing. Seth called you?" He asks with his back to her.
"Yeah. He said you were bugging out over something…that you sent him away. Are you going to send me away?" Marissa questions, taking several steps and putting her hand on his shoulder to stop his retreat.
"Are you going to ask me a bunch of questions?" Ryan whispers.
"Not if you don't want me to," Marissa replies.
"No. I won't send you away."
"Are you okay?"
"I thought you weren't going to ask me any questions," Ryan replies.
"I lied. Ryan…"
"I'm okay," Ryan replies. "I'm just tired…"
"Seth sounded like you were more than tired…" Marissa says. He walks away from her again, going into the hallway. "Ryan, wait."
"You know what? I can't do this. I can't. I'm sorry. I can't talk any more to anybody. I'm too…fucked up right now…" He says, his voice tight with tension. Marissa watches as he stops in the middle of the hallway and sits down, putting his arms around his knees and shaking.
"Okay. Okay, Ryan. Can I sit with you?" She asks, going to his side.
"I just need to be alone right now," He says, whispering.
"Okay," Marissa says, startled by the change in her friend. She's used to him being stoic and strong, not trembling and unable to have a conversation. She leaves because she doesn't know what else to do.
Seth goes down to the pool house to let him know that his lunch is ready and finds that he is gone. He searches the entire pool house as well as the main house, but there is no sign of Ryan.
The Cohens don't call the police this time. Kirsten convinces Sandy to trust Ryan and give him some space. Seth, Marissa and Summer drive around for a while, searching the streets for their friend but they don't find him. It's around eleven when they return to the Cohen's to take a break.
"Where would he go? I just don't understand…"Marissa sighs, sitting down in the kitchen beside Summer.
"Wait a second…" Seth stands up suddenly. "There are lights on out there. Do you think he came back?" Seth rushes from the house and goes to the pool house, swinging open the door.
"Hey," Ryan says, glancing up from the bed.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?"
"What?" Ryan asks, startled.
"We've been looking for you, for god…hours!" Seth yells. Marissa and Summer join him inside the doorway, relieved.
"Oh. I went for a walk," Ryan replies, quietly.
"For six hours?" Summer asks, sarcastically.
"No. For a couple of hours. Then I came back and crashed out. I didn't know anyone was looking for me…" Ryan says, honestly as Marissa embraces him.
"You scared the hell out of us, Mom and Dad are freaked…" Seth continues, letting out his frustration in a rush of words. "Mom wouldn't let him call the police and we've been driving around for hours…"
"Seth. Slow down. He's back, that's what's important," Summer interrupts, quieting Seth with a hand on his arm.
"I'm sorry, guys. I didn't even think…I have to get used to this whole 'asking permission' thing. I just took a walk and came right back," Ryan says, quietly. "I didn't mean to get everybody worried. I'm okay, now."
"Ryan…" Marissa starts, quietly.
"No, listen. I'm okay. I had a little lapse, lost my head for a minute. But I'm back now. All that coke last night and then the day at the doctor, it shook me up a little," He says before she can continue.
Summer is watching Ryan, carefully. "And you're just okay now."
Ryan shrugs. "Yeah. I'm okay."
"Well, I'm going to go tell my parents that you're not missing anymore," Seth says, throwing his arms up in frustration.
"Yeah, I better go tell my Dad I'm over here. I'll be right back," Marissa says.
Summer approaches Ryan once they are alone. Ryan watches her, cautiously.
"What the fuck do you think you're doing? I know where you went, I can see it in your eyes, I can see it in the way your hands aren't shaking. 'Fess up, Ryan. What are you on?" She hisses, leaning over.
"What am I on?" Ryan smiles. He leans closer to her. "I'm not using, Summer. Not coke anyway."
Summer is surprised. She sits down beside him on the bed. "Then…"
Ryan reaches behind him on the bed and reveals a half-empty bottle of whiskey.
"But you don't smell…" She protests.
"I learned at an early age how to hide the scent of liquor." Ryan looks at her, concerned. The expression startles Summer, she hasn't seen him have a genuine reaction since she walked in earlier. "You aren't using still, are you?"
"Hell no, last night scared the hell out of me…I just thought…"
Ryan nods. "I thought about it. I really wanted to."
"Yeah, me, too," Summer agrees.
"But we can't."
"Ever again."
"Exactly."
"And you didn't?" Summer asks.
"I didn't."
"You swear?" Summer whispers.
Ryan hesitates.
"Ryan?" Summer gasps, doubting him.
Ryan tilts his head at her. "You really haven't touched it since I left?"
"I already told you…"
"You asked me twice," Ryan replies.
They are both silent.
"I hooked up," Ryan mutters. "I hitched across town and hooked up."
Summer sighs. "You should have called me. I had to replace my mom's stash and I've already killed it."
They are silent again.
"Are we friends, Ryan?" Summer whispers.
"Yeah. I think we are," Ryan replies, matching her tone.
"So. You want to relapse with me? Go on a coke binge and throw down like in the old days?" Summer asks.
Ryan smiles.
"Ryan? I'm serious."
"I'm seriously thinking," Ryan replies.
She takes his hand. "Let's make a vow. We'll only do it when we're together. And we'll decide together," Summer says.
Marissa steps inside.
"Okay. Deal," Ryan agrees, ignoring Marissa's curious expression.
"Everything okay in here?" Marissa asks as Seth enters.
"Yeah." Summer releases Ryan's hand. She stands up.
"Mom and Dad want you to come talk to them. Then we can all hang out but starting tomorrow, we're grounded," Seth states.
"Damn, can I go to work?" Ryan questions.
"I didn't ask," Seth shrugs, meeting Marissa's worried gaze.
"Okay. I'll go talk to them," Ryan sighs.
"I have to go home soon," Marissa says, uncertain.
"Me, too," Summer adds. "But I can call my butler. He's on duty again."
"I'll be back," Ryan says, standing up. He brushes against Marissa on his way to the door, slightly tilting his head. She follows him outside.
"Hey," He says, closing the door behind him.
"Hey," She responds. He takes her arm and gently pulls her to him.
"Excuse me," He says, pressing his lips against hers. She responds immediately and puts her hand on the back of his head, returning his kiss.
He pulls away, breathless. "It's not a good time for either of us, but that had to be done," He states, taking her hand. He pulls her away from the pool house onto the open area of the Cohen's patio.
She takes his arm with her free hand and embraces him, kissing him again.
"Marissa…wait…" He manages between kisses. She releases him and he steps back.
"You just broke up with Luke. My life's a mess…" He turns away. "But I care about you…a lot…I don't want to lose you…"
"You're not going to lose me, god, Ryan…I trust you more than I trust myself," Marissa breathes, reaching for him.
He takes her hands in his, keeping her at arm's length. "I know…me too…but it's too soon for both of us…"
"Ryan, it doesn't matter…" She says, pulling him to her. She kisses him.
"Yes, it does," He says, trying to pull away. She digs her nails into his skin, keeping his body against hers. He turns his face away but she takes his face in her hands.
"It doesn't matter…" Marissa whispers, kissing his lips lightly.
"It matters to me…we should wait," Ryan says.
"Why? Our feelings aren't going to change…" She protests.
"Ryan." Sandy Cohen's voice breaks them apart. "Kirsten and I need to talk to you. Now."
"Bye," Marissa whispers as he pulls away from her and goes toward Sandy.
Sandy holds the door open for him, letting him inside first. "Sorry to interrupt…"
"There's nothing to interrupt," Ryan responds. He doesn't glance back to see Marissa watching solemnly from outside.