AN: Okay folks. I have written two versions of where this story might go. I'm posting this one basically because it's longer and just as good as the other and I'm going to see if I can develop the other one into a different story. If you're interested in the other tangent, email me and I'll let you check it out. Hopefully, all the GREAT readers will like this one. You guys are awesome. I have a HUGE case of writer's block and that's why nothing of mine's being updated but hopefully I'll be able to finish all my unfinished stuff soon.
*****
Several weeks pass and Ryan doesn't hear from his mother. Seth stops pestering him and Marissa and Summer have finally accepted that Ryan's not going to talk about the incident.
Kirsten and Sandy are out getting dinner one night when the phone rings. Seth doesn't glance up as Ryan answers it.
"Hello?"
"Ryan?"
"Yeah?"
"You don't even recognize your own mother?"
"Ma…" Ryan recognizes her now.
"I need you. It's important."
"I can't…" Ryan says. Seth is looking at him, concerned..
"I'll be right back…" Ryan takes the phone into the kitchen, ignoring his glance.
"Who are you talking to that's more important than me?"
"What do you want from me?" Ryan asks.
"I need you. I need to see my son. Is that a crime? Wanting to see my baby boy?"
"I told you that I can't," Ryan says seriously.
"I'm telling you that if you don't bring your sorry ass over here right now that I'll come and get you! You're my son and I need to see you!" Ryan turns around finds Seth behind him. Seth shakes his head, slowly.
"I have to go…"
"Am I going to have to come get you?"
"No. I'll come."
"Good boy. I'm waiting for you."
Ryan hangs up the phone.
"Ryan?" Seth calls.
Ryan leans on the counter, bracing himself.
"Ryan."
"I have to go, Seth."
"What did she say?"
"She said she needed me…" Ryan whispers, clearly upset.
Seth is silent.
"Please don't be mad at me…she says she'll come get me if I don't come…I have to go…"
"I know you do," Seth says quietly. "I'll cover for you…but if you're not back by ten, I'm telling them everything."
"Seth…" Ryan starts.
"Don't get into anything you can't handle, Ryan. Don't make me regret trusting you…"
"You already regret it, I can see it on your face," Ryan replies quietly. "I have to go."
"You have to go."
"I told her I couldn't Seth…I told her that I couldn't but she said…I have to go…"
"You're sure…"
"I have to go," Ryan repeats.
Seth disappears for a moment and returns with his cell phone. "Call me if anything happens. I mean it."
"Thanks, Seth." Ryan takes Seth by the shoulders. "I mean it."
Sandy and Kirsten come home with dinner. Seth tells them that Marissa called and Ryan had to go see her. He retreats to his room, too busy hiding his worry from his parents to eat anything.
Ryan pays the cab driver and knocks on the door to his mother's house. AJ lets him in. His mother is curled up in bed, drunk. Her arms are bruised from the needles.
After a few minutes, Dawn gets antsy.
"Help your mother," She says. "I can't find a vein for shit these days."
"I won't do this for you…" He says from the chair beside the bed. She lunges for him, grabbing his face and digging her nails into his cheeks.
"I don't ask you for much, you ungrateful fucker…"
"I won't do that for you," Ryan hisses. She releases him and lights a cigarette.
"I've never been disappointed in you before, but I don't like what those people are teaching you. They're making you soft."
He doesn't protest when she takes his hand and burns the center of his wrist.
"I can't see you anymore. I can't do this anymore," Ryan says.
"What?"
"You deserted me, Mom…" Ryan mutters.
"I wanted what's best for you, I didn't know they would turn you against me…" She burns him again. He watches her.
"Do you love me?"
"You know I love you…"
"Why do you do this to me? Why do you make me come here…"
She grips his wrist tightly with one hand, reaching under the bed with the other. She pulls out a knife. She slashes his arm and he pulls away, startled. She pulls his arm back to her.
"You see this blood? This is my blood. Our blood. You and me, we're the same…"
"I'm not like you," Ryan protests, pulling away and standing up.
She throws an empty bottle at him and it shatters against his head, stunning him. His vision is blurred for a moment with blood.
"Goddammit! Get out of here! I never want to see you again! AJ!" Dawn wails. "AJ!"
Ryan bolts from the bedroom and meets AJ in the kitchen.
"What the fuck did you do to her?" AJ reaches for him but Ryan ducks out of the way and slams AJ against the wall.
"You come near me again and I'll have you arrested. You or her. Stay away from me…" Ryan says. He punches AJ in the face and starts to bolt but AJ grabs the jacket in his hand, pulling him back. He falls to the floor as AJ grabs his ankle.
"Don't threaten me…" AJ hisses. Ryan kicks him away and is gone.
Ryan sprints for several blocks before stopping and catching his breath behind a convenience store. He dials the Cohens.
"Hello?"
"Seth…"
"Ryan, are you okay?"
"Yeah. Come pick me up and I'll tell you all about it," Ryan says. "Thanks."
Seth pulls up and finds Ryan sitting on the curb smoking a cigarette.
"I thought you said you were okay…" Seth says, unlocking the door as Ryan climbs in.
"I'm okay. She got pissed at me and nailed me with a bottle. I told her I couldn't see her anymore."
Seth doesn't reply.
"I meant it."
"Really?" Seth questions.
"Yeah. Your parents pissed?"
"They think you're at Marissa's…" Seth replies. "What happened?"
"I told her that I couldn't see her anymore and she snapped. It had to be done, right?"
"I'm sorry, Ryan. About all of this. But I'm not sorry that you aren't going to see her anymore," Seth replies.
"I'm sorry for asking you to lie for me. I'll tell your parents…" Ryan says.
"I'm glad. I don't think I should be the one handling this for you," Seth admits. "I don't know what to say to you…"
"There's nothing left to be said. I'm done. I'm sorry."
"You keep saying that and then you keep doing the same things over and over."
"I'm being stupid. She's the same…maybe if she wasn't shooting up…maybe then this would have all been worth something…but it's like…I can't keep doing this to you and your parents…it's not fair to you…"
"You have to do it for yourself. Let me see your arms," Seth says quietly.
Ryan glances at him.
"Ryan. Let me see them."
Ryan holds out his arms.
"Goddammit, she cut you this time?"
"Seth…"
"I don't want to hear your excuses…" Seth replies, shaking his head.
"I told her, Seth. I'm not going to see her anymore…"
Seth pulls the Rover into the driveway and turns to Ryan. "You're damn right you're not going to see her anymore. I'm going in there and you're going to tell Mom and Dad about Old Joey and how she dug her nails into your arms until you bled. And you're not going to see her anymore."
"Okay."
"What?" Seth asks, surprised.
"Okay. Just don't be mad at me. You were right. I'm sorry I didn't want to believe it…but you were right. I'll do whatever you want." Ryan has his eyes closed and he's leaning his head against the window. He's cradling his gashed arm against him and blood is still trickling from his forehead.
"Ryan?"
"Let's go inside. I need to walk this off…" Ryan murmurs, stumbling out of the car.
"You're bleeding…god, you're bleeding a lot…" Seth realizes, joining him.
"You don't think she nicked anything, do you?" Ryan asks, pulling his arm away from his body for an instant.
"Shit…" Seth sees that Ryan's jeans are soaked with blood. The door opens and Sandy steps out.
"What's going on?" Sandy asks, sensing something wrong. "Seth?"
"Dad, his arm, it's bleeding a lot…"
"Nah, I think it's okay…" Ryan says suddenly. "I think I'm dizzy because of the bottle…" He leans against the truck.
"You need a hospital. Go get your mother…" Sandy urges after seeing the blood. He opens the door to the Range Rover and helps him into the back seat. Seth is already back with Kirsten.
"Ryan, what happened?" Kirsten asks, getting in beside him. "Ryan, honey, let me see…" Kirsten reaches for his arm and he flinches. He seems to recognize her and relax. She gently examines his arm. "You need stitches, Ryan…"
"I told her I couldn't see her anymore…she got a little upset…" Ryan mutters.
"Told who? Your mother? Did she do this to you?" Kirsten asks, shocked. Sandy climbs into the driver's seat and Seth turns around to study his mother and Ryan.
"I'm going to tell you guys everything…I just…I thought I was okay…" Ryan replies. He's more dizzy now and its hard for him to stay focused.
"Dammit, Ryan, I thought you were going to stay away from her!" Sandy says, frustrated. Ryan visibly winces from his tone and Kirsten notices it.
"It's his Mom…" Seth says suddenly. "It's his mother and you expect him to just walk away from her? Like he's just like her?"
"Seth!" Kirsten scolds, stricken.
"It's my fault…Seth's been covering for me…" Ryan mutters weakly.
Kirsten returns her attention to Ryan who is slumping in the seat now.
"I'm making a big mess…this is all a big mess…" Ryan whispers, pulling his arm away from her and clutching it against his chest tightly.
"Ryan. You're not in any trouble…" Kirsten says gently.
Ryan smiles at her sadly. "You have no idea…"
"Keep pressure on it…" She urges as Sandy pulls up in front of the emergency room.
"Ryan?" Seth is by Ryan's door when Sandy stops. He opens the door and steadies Ryan as he gets out.
"I'm cool. Really. Can you guys let me take care of this?" Ryan asks suddenly, too pale.
"Ryan…" Kirsten protests as Sandy goes to park the car.
"If they think I did it, they'll try to get me to go to psych and if they think you did it, they'll be a lot of paperwork and social services…just let me take care of it…" Ryan walks away from them, stunning them all.
"You think he's done this before?" Seth asks his mother, taking her arm.
"God knows with his mother," Kirsten replies.
"Dad's going to flip out…"
"Wait for your father. I'm not letting Ryan do this by himself…" Kirsten enters the ER but cannot find Ryan. Finally, joined by Seth and Sandy, she approaches the nurse.
"Mr. and Mrs. Cohen? Hi. Ryan told me that you were on the way. We're stitching his arm right now…"
Seth stops Sandy from questioning with a harsh glare. "What happened?" Seth asks.
"Well, he says he had a run in with some people from his old neighborhood and they got a little rough. He lost a lot of blood but we repaired the damage and he should be good to go home when we're ready.
"I'll get the paperwork," Kirsten offers, leaving her son with Sandy and following the doctor to the desk.
"What is going on?"
"Ryan says that if the doctors saw the cut and the burns that they would either blame you guys for abuse and get social services involved or they would take him up to psych…he wouldn't let Mom come in with him…."
"This is unacceptable…" Sandy sighs.
"Hey. You need to chill out. Ryan's having a hard enough time right now without you going all Nazi on him…"
"You know something. When did Ryan confide in you about this?" Sandy asks suddenly.
"He's going to explain everything, Dad, just chill out. He's okay. He came back. If you don't…" Seth grabs his Dad's arm as Sandy's attention starts to drift back to the room. "Dad. You're making it worse."
A nurse steps out, smiling. "You can go in. The doctor should be back with the paperwork."
Sandy bursts into the room.
Ryan is sitting on the bed, staring at his bandaged arm. Seth notices stitches at the edge of his hairline as well.
"Goddammit, Ryan, what the hell are you thinking?" Sandy asks, going to his side.
Ryan winces at his first word and then doesn't respond. His eyes are cold when he meets Sandy's gaze.
"Well?" Sandy demands.
"Can you rephrase the question into something that I might be capable of answering?" Ryan replies, emotionlessly.
"Ryan…" Sandy lowers his voice. Ryan catches Seth's eyes for a moment and Seth realizes that Ryan is shutting down. "Ryan, you said that you weren't going to see her anymore…"
"Well, I guess that makes me a liar," Ryan replies evenly.
"Ryan…" Sandy snaps, frustrated.
"Look, you can yell at me all you want, you can cuss me out and tell me how stupid I am for going back to her, and that's fine, I deserve it, but don't talk to me like you know anything about me or my relationship with my mother because you don't," Ryan says, his eyes dark with emotion.
Sandy is startled. He immediately regrets his harsh tone and opens his mouth to apologize but is interrupted by Kirsten and the doctor's entrance.
"Well, looks like you're good as new. You remember how I explained to you to take care of it?" The doctor asks, smiling at Ryan.
"Yes sir," Ryan replies quietly.
"What?" Kirsten mouths to Sandy who doesn't reply, his eyes on Ryan.
"Okay. And stay out of Chino, will you? I don't want to see you in any of my ER's for a while, okay?"
"Sure, Dr. Levin, thanks…" Ryan replies.
"He's good to go. It was great to meet you, Mrs. Cohen. Take care of Ryan, he deserves it…" The doctor smiles at Kirsten.
"Seems Ryan used to visit Dr. Levin in the emergency room over in Chino," Kirsten tells her husband. Ryan hops off the table and walks out of the door.
"Way to be sensitive, Dad," Seth mutters, following Ryan out of the room.
Ryan has stopped outside the hospital. Seth puts a hand on his shoulder and Ryan jumps, startled.
"Sorry," Ryan mutters.
"No, I'm sorry. You're right, this is a mess…" Seth sighs.
"I'd say I want to go home…but it seems like that varies from day to day…"
"Your home is with us…" Seth begins.
"Your dad is so mad…I don't want…" Ryan hesitates.
"He's worried about you, he's not thinking straight…" Seth interrupts.
Ryan takes a deep breath. "You know, I really respect your dad. He's done a lot for me. He's one of the only people that's ever had faith in me…and to have him looking at me like that…"
"He'll chill out, Ryan, you have to give him time to calm down…" Seth says quietly.
Ryan lowers his eyes as Kirsten and Sandy emerge. "I'm just really tired…" He tells Seth.
"Ryan. I'm sorry if I was harsh back there, I'm sorry. I'm just really frustrated…" Sandy starts.
"Whatever. Can we go?" Ryan asks, his voice a whisper. He doesn't meet their worried gazes, looking at his feet.
"Okay, Ryan. Let's go home," Kirsten says.
They ride home in silence. Ryan keeps his eyes closed. He jolts when Seth touches his shoulder to let him know that they're home.
"Sorry…" Seth apologizes.
"It's cool," Ryan remarks. His blue eyes are clouded when he turns to Seth.
"You okay?" Seth asks.
"Yeah. I've got a lot on my mind," Ryan replies. He steps out of the Range Rover and turns to face Sandy. "Can we have this talk?"
Sandy is still startled by Ryan's coldness toward him. He nods, looking at Kirsten and they share a concerned look.
Ryan walks into the kitchen and leans against the counter.
"Ryan, why don't we go into the living room so you can sit down?"
"I already bled all in the Rover, I don't want to mess up the furniture," Ryan replies.
"Ryan…" Kirsten sighs. "Sit down."
Ryan hesitates but sits down at the counter. Seth sits down beside him.
"Seth, we need to talk to Ryan…"
"I already know everything," Seth starts.
"It's cool," Ryan says to him. "I'm cool."
"I'll be upstairs when you're done," Seth says, leaving.
The kitchen is silent.
"She came to school. I didn't call her, I hadn't talked to her until she came to school. Seth saw her and I made him promise not to say anything. I promised him I wouldn't see her anymore. The next day…AJ came to school." Ryan doesn't meet their gaze, he closes his eyes and sighs deeply. "I got in the car with him. He needed a favor…"
"What kind of favor?" Sandy asks, calmly.
"My mom owed this guy some money. He needed me to take it to him," Ryan replies.
"Why you? Why couldn't he take it himself?"
"He owes the guy, too or something. It was bullshit. They needed me to take the beating for them since they didn't have enough money. So I did…"
"Ryan, god…" Kirsten gasps.
"But everything was cool, I hadn't heard from her or anything until tonight. She called. She said she needed me. She said she'd come get me if I didn't go see her…" Ryan starts.
"Next time, let her come…" Sandy interrupts, angry.
Ryan regards him with clouded eyes. "She wouldn't come here, Mr. Cohen, she'd send AJ. Fuck what happens to me, what happens when he comes here and it's just me and Seth? Or me and Mrs. Cohen? I can protect myself from him, but I can't promise anything if he comes here…I don't want him here…"
"We could have called the police…" Kirsten starts.
"The police can't do anything," Ryan mutters, losing all the emotion from his outburst.
"What does that mean, Ryan?" Sandy asks. Ryan glances at him darkly.
"It means that I'm afraid of AJ, Mr. Cohen. And if he comes for me, I'll go. And I'm not afraid of the police and neither is he." Ryan slams his fist into the counter. His face is blank but his body is tense with emotion. "But that doesn't matter because this isn't about him. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I thought I could handle it but things got out of hand."
Sandy's tone is gentle. "You haven't done anything wrong, Ryan. I shouldn't have raised my voice at you…."
"You guys let me stay here. You buy me stuff. Feed me. You guys take care of me and you don't ask me for anything. You asked me for one thing and I disobeyed you. That's why I'm sorry. So I'm done with Dawn and AJ."
Sandy is stricken.
"You've got things all twisted up in your head, Ryan. You're misinterpreting the whole situation," Kirsten whispers.
"Does it matter what's going on in my head as long as you get what you want?" Ryan asks in return.
"Yes. It does matter. It matters a lot. Go to bed. We'll talk tomorrow. I'll call the school. Get some rest." Kirsten turns away from him, upset.
Ryan is still.
"Ryan?" Sandy calls, unable to read the young man's posture.
"If you want me to leave…" Ryan's voice is barely audible.
"No. That's not what I mean at all. I have to think of a way to get through to you and you're too guarded right now to listen to me…" Kirsten replies, choked.
He silently leaves the kitchen.
Seth appears. "What did you say to him?"
"Nothing, Seth…" Kirsten starts.
"Did you listen? God, that kid…he loves his mom and she fucking tortures him for it…why do you have to make him feel any worse? He just gave up his mom for you and you can't even talk to him…" Seth disappears out the door to talk to Ryan.
The door to the pool house is open. Seth closes it behind him.
"Ryan?"
"Hey."
"Can I turn on a light?"
"Nah. I like it dark tonight."
"What's up?" Seth can't see his friend but his voice is very soft. "What's going on?"
"Would you be mad if I left?"
"What?" Seth is chilled.
"Because the way your parents are acting…"
"They don't want you to leave. Please don't leave over this…"
"It's not just this. I'm starting to get complicated for them and I don't think they expected…"
"Damn, Ryan, stop. Just stop. You're freaking out," Seth says.
"You think?" Ryan snorts.
"Let me turn on a light…" Seth says, worried.
"No. Don't, Seth. Please. It's too bright."
"What's going on with you?" Seth asks quietly.
"I don't know what to do. I can't make your parents happy…it's like…I was just trying to do what's right…I was trying to do what my mother needed without hurting the Cohens but…they're still mad at me…"
"They're not mad at you, Ryan…damn…I don't know how to explain this to you…" Seth is torn. He knows that his parents are trying to do the right thing and he knows that Ryan is hurting so badly that he isn't thinking straight.
"I don't want you to be in the middle of this. Your mom says that I have stuff all twisted in my mind…and she's right…" Ryan's voice starts.
"I'm not going anywhere if you're thinking of leaving. What are you going to do? Where are you going to go?" Seth asks.
Ryan's voice is low. "I've been saving money. I think I'd be okay…"
"I don't want to hear any more, Ryan," Seth says. He can't think.
"Listen to me, Seth. You're more family to me than I've ever had. You're my brother…my best friend…"
"Then think about what you're doing, think about what you just said to me. You're telling me that you're thinking of leaving and that you have money saved…what the hell are you saving money for?" Seth asks, keeping the panic out of his voice.
"I was saving it for…I was saving it for a car, Seth…but…but if I've fucked this up, then I have to do something…I just…I don't understand how everything always turns into a wreck…"
"Ryan. Tell me what to say to make you stay."
"I'm not leaving. I have to stick this out. Right?"
"Right. That's making sense. This is not the end of the world…"
"I didn't mean to scare you."
"Are you going to be okay?" Seth asks.
"Yeah. I'm tired, Seth. I'm going to try and get some sleep," Ryan says.
"I'll see you in the morning," Seth says, getting up to leave. He hears his mother's voice from the patio. He pauses by the door. He turns and finds Ryan standing beside him, pale in the light from the porch.
"Sandy, this isn't working, I mean, he won't even talk to us and now…god…"
"Kirsten, what do you expect me to do? He's not listening to me…"
"God, don't you wish we could go back to the days when we only had one son? A son that wasn't already damaged irreparably?" Kirsten's voice carries to Seth and Ryan.
Seth gasps, turning to Ryan.
"It's okay. Go to bed. I'll be here tomorrow," Ryan says indifferently, not meeting his eyes.
"You promise?"
"I don't have anywhere else to go," Ryan replies. He turns away from Seth but doesn't flinch when Seth puts a hand on his shoulder. "I'm cool."
Seth leaves and hears the pool house door close behind him. He walks into the house, pausing in the kitchen. He walks past his parents and closes the open window beside them. "You ever hear that old song, Voices Carry? Huh." He storms upstairs to his room.
"God…" Kirsten realizes.
"Let's go to bed, Kirsten. There's nothing any of us can do tonight," Sandy sighs.
Ryan is sitting in the dark. Damaged irreparably. That's one way of putting it. He already has his backpack beside him. It's empty and he's thinking about what he should put in it this time. He has more stuff now, but less of it's his. Clothes. He needs clothes. He packs in the dark. His favorite jeans, black pants and a nice pair of slacks from Mrs. Cohen. He packs several sets of boxers and undershirts. He picks his five best shirts and tightly rolls them to allow more room in the bag. Clothes are most important when all you have to carry is a backpack. He absently walks around the darkened pool house, looking for things that he would want to take with him.
He's done this before. In Chino and earlier, in Fresno. Running away was always the best option for him in his life before now. He doesn't want to leave this place. But he won't cause Sandy and Kirsten any more pain. Seth will understand. Seth heard Kirsten's words, too. He'll understand.
Ryan opens the frame on the dresser and pulls out the picture of him standing with Seth at Cotillion. Both wearing tuxedos and looking generally out of place, it reminds him of why they're such good friends. He drops the picture carefully into the bag. He stacks his books and notebooks on the desk Kirsten recently bought for him. He was actually doing very well at school. It hits him suddenly that all his hard work is for nothing. He still doesn't belong here and he never will. Damaged irreparably.
Ryan finishes filling the bag and goes to the dresser. He pulls the taped envelope from the underside of the drawer and absently counts the money. Not enough to buy a car but enough for him to make a start somewhere. A fresh start. Without parents at all. Without having to worry about who he's going to hurt next.
Ryan glances out the window and sees that all the lights are off in the house. He sits down and takes out a notebook. He writes a letter to Seth and seals it. He shoulders his bag and heads out.
The next morning, Seth wakes up before dawn, sensing that something is wrong. He dresses quickly and goes to the pool house. He doesn't read the letter. He puts it in his pocket and goes back into the house.
Seth knocks loudly on his parents' door. Kirsten opens it, startled.
"He's gone. I guess you don't have to worry about him making us look bad anymore…" Seth snaps, turning away.
"What do you mean he's gone? Seth!" Kirsten gasps.
"He was a little too damaged for you, anyway, wasn't he, Mom?" Seth retorts, slamming his door.
Sandy and Kirsten confirm that Ryan is gone. He didn't leave them a note but the pool house is impeccably clean and everything is exactly the way it was when he moved in. Kirsten sits down on the couch, stunned.
"God, you think he heard me? God, Sandy…I didn't mean it like that…I didn't mean it…"
Sandy embraces her, chilled. He didn't think that Ryan would run away again. "I'll go to his mothers…"
"He wouldn't go there. She told him that she never wants to see him again," Seth says, entering the pool house. He hands the letter to his mother.
"Seth. I'm sorry. I can't stay. I'm not your parents responsibility and I won't keep doing this to them. Or to you. You're my brother, Seth and that will never change. But I'm not their son and I can't keep making them take care of me. I'm better off on my own. I'll be fine, I can take care of myself. I'm not going back to my mother, wasn't too happy about my loyalty to your parents so I'm not welcome there ever again. I'm not going to Austin. That's just too far. I'll miss you. Don't worry. You'll hear from me."
"I'll call the police," Sandy states as Kirsten starts to cry harder.
"Just let it go, Dad. Just let him go…" Seth mutters.
"I will not let him go! It's Ryan! He's your best friend and you're just going to let him go?" Sandy replies, startled at his son's suggestion.
"Yeah, Dad! This is killing him! He's doing everything he can to please everybody and he's not getting anything back! Dammit…" Seth turns away from his parents, trying to calm himself. "You didn't see him last night. He promised me he wouldn't leave and then we heard you talking. He's not coming back. He's gone."