"You Make It Christmas" 3a/5
By Rita Widmer
Disclaimer: I don't own anything!
Feedback: Please!
Then you light up my sky like the fourth of July, Such an April fool I to believe
April 1, 2005
JAG HQ
'Marines don't bounce with excitement, marines don't bounce with excitement, marines don't bounce with excitement.' I think that if I keep this mantra up I will actually be able to not bounce, and go back to work. At least, body, let me walk like the marine I am until I get to my office. Is that so much to ask?
After all body, you kept me indoors for the last three months with bad morning sickness. I let you have control then, but let me have this sort of semblance of marine for awhile now.
This is the first big case I've put on since the morning sickness hit me hard in January. Sturgis and I were on the USS Patrick Henry, and I spent every day there throwing up. Poor Sturgis was completely freaking out, and he kept calling Harm and having me call Harm. After that the new Admiral wouldn't let me out on the ships until I got over my morning sickness.
I'm finally over that morning sickness with great relief, and though it's not really a case I'm working on its good enough for me. They need me on a 2-week stint as an interpreter on some government fact-finding mission. The Admiral reassured me that they knew I was pregnant, and that they would make sure to take every precaution available.
"So you're going?" Harm's voice startles me as I enter my office.
"How did you find out so quickly?" I ask.
"Office scuttlebutt, and I see I'm correct since you didn't deny it."
"Yes, I'm going and I don't see any problem with it. Its not like I'm going to do this for much longer, and I'm tired of sitting behind the desk doing paperwork, because of morning sickness."
"You're pregnant, Mac. That should be a good enough reason alone that you shouldn't go."
"I'm pregnant? And here I thought I was having 3 month long flu. Of course, I know I'm pregnant."
"Not only are you putting yourself in danger, but also you're putting our child in danger. The child you are carrying."
"They know I'm pregnant. If they thought I was going to be in any real danger they wouldn't have put me on as interpreter. There are plenty of interpreters who aren't pregnant that could do this, but they wanted me especially."
"Things happen, Mac."
"What are you afraid of, Harm? That it will end like Paraguay did?"
I watch him shake involuntarily at the mention of Paraguay. It was one thing we never really dealt with, but is always in the back of our minds.
"Harm, Webb is not even getting near me on this mission. He has nothing to do with this mission. He's the only one that everyone here including you that blame him more for what happened in Paraguay than me."
"That's not true, Mac, and you know it."
"Oh, oops, you blame me more, should have known. That's why after it all happened, you never answered my phone calls or called me back. That's why the Admiral yelled at me, Sturgis treated me like dirt under his fingernails, and Bud and Harriet were barely treating me like I was a fellow coworker and friend. Guess what, Harm? Webb is the only one during that time that treated me like I was their friend. I turned to him, because there was no one else to turn to."
"At least, you had them in your life. I had no one. No one, Mac."
"And you chose to make it that way. You didn't call anybody during the whole time you were in the CIA. I got to sit here, and hear all about how they were worried about you and got questioned by them all like I knew more then they did." I pull something out of the drawer, and hand it to him. "Those are all my requests for transfers and a resignation letter. Until the day you came back here, I had already started looking for a new place to work. I knew once you came back everything would start getting better and it did. But then I had to face your awful remarks to me."
"I can remember some dingers you threw at me, Mac. This has not been merely one sided. If I remember correctly, I apologized for them. The harshest comment though was while we were still in Paraguay. Do you remember one of the last things you said to me? You told me we never would work. I don't care about being on top or not. All I had ever wanted was a little time. You never gave me time after Sydney, on the Guadalcanal, nor in Paraguay. If I don't have the answers right away, you walk away. I gave up everything for you, Mac. That should mean something to you. Now the whole bullpen is staring at us. We need to go back to work, and tonight we are going to talk about this more. Hopefully more calmly. I'll bring some dinner to your place at 7."
I watch him slowly walk out. Sometimes I think I'm a fool to ever believe we could work this out. What more suiting day to feel like a fool then on April Fool's Day?
Mac's Apartment
Harm walks right into the apartment without knocking on the door. Amazingly, he's right on time. I watch him set down the dinner on the coffee table, and he turns to look at me.
"Come over, sit down and eat. There will be no complaining about how healthy the food is, and how there is no dead meat. I have no idea what they will be serving you while you're away, but as long as I have a choice you will eat healthy. Knowing you if you get too busy you might forget a meal or two."
"The only time I haven't eaten a meal is when my stomach wouldn't allow it. Harm, I love this baby that I'm carrying. If I really thought I was putting it in great danger, I wouldn't go on this mission. I know that much more about it then you do."
After getting that out of my system, I finally do what he told me to do. He just sits and watches me, and I send him glares once in awhile to make sure he knows that I don't like all this healthy food.
Once the food is gone, I sit back and look at him. The silence is reigning around us, and I decide I should start first. "Harm, when you came to Paraguay and rescued me, my first thought was that you did out of love. So after we got back to our hotel, I try to open up a conversation on us thinking you were ready to talk about it. Then when we weren't getting anywhere, and you were making wise cracks about Webb and I, I started thinking about it more. I realized that this wasn't the first time you were willing to give up everything for anyone. You were prepared to do it for Sergei, Bud, your father, and the line keeps going. Yes that makes me special, but it doesn't prove to me that you are in love with me. I needed confirmation that was your real reason for coming to rescue me."
"Mac, I saw you kiss Webb. After that I started to doubt your feelings for me, and then you were hanging on him for the rest of the trip. If he was the one you wanted, then you made your choice."
"You do everything to find the truth in a case, but when it comes to love you sit back and watch it walk out of your life. You didn't fight for me in Sydney nor in Paraguay. You never allowed me to understand that I had a choice between Mic and Webb and you. I thought my choices were they or no one, Harm."
"What do you call kissing you on the Admiral's porch?"
"I need more then mere words once in awhile, and some actions of love. I need both together, Harm. They both can be misinterpreted alone, but together I would have all the proof I needed of your love. 'You know the reason,' 'Not yet,' aren't good enough answers for me. By the end of Paraguay, I was sick and tired of waiting for both to come at the same time."
"You gave up on us so easily."
"I gave up on us easily? Are you kidding me? It's me that usually has to take the step forward in this relationship. The only time you tried is when I was on the Guadalcanal when I was not ready to deal with it all. I went away to get my head straightened back on, and find myself again. I can't do that if you are trying to throw in complications. What good would it be for us if I can't be myself Harm?"
"I wanted to help straighten things out, and let you know that you have someone waiting for you back home. If you had waited a moment longer then you would have heard my answer, but you didn't. Can you honestly tell me that you never knew or felt my love for you before I told you I love you?"
"The first time I felt it was the first time we tried to make this child. There were times before then that I thought maybe you did, but something would shatter my hope that it was real. This child was made out of our love. It's going to be part you, part me. Are you going to be able to handle the child if she is like me?"
The stunned look on his face catches me by surprise. "Of course, Mac. I love that child you're carrying very much."
"Then why do you always get upset and angry with me every time I take on a mission that I've been trained and have the skills to do? I was a perfectly good candidate to go on that mission with Webb. Why should I have turned it down?"
"Because you could have been killed!"
"So it's all right for you to take on flying missions that could cost you your life like you did with that dirty nuke, but I should sit home behind the desk where nothing could happen to me?"
"Of course not, Mac, but you were going on a mission with Webb. Webb, you know the man who always has missions go wrong! You weren't just going on any mission, you were going on one that was very dangerous, and no one I trusted was with you. This time not only are you going into dangerous territory, but you are risking not just your life but the baby's life."
"I can very well take care of myself, and interpreting is not a dangerous job. As long as I can physically go on cases or missions I will. If you don't like that, you better tell me now, so we can end this relationship."
"Are you trying to get yourself killed, Mac? Do you have no regard what you do to others when you do these things?"
"No, I am being me, a marine. Just get out, Harm. Come back to me when you can handle being with a marine."
"Can you handle being with a man who loves you so much that it would kill him if something happened to you?" I turn away from him, and the only sound I hear is the door shutting behind Harm. It's the quiet after he leaves that allows the tears to fall. My body wracking with sobs, I fall on the ground holding my head in my hands. The tears never being stopped.
"I was such an April Fool to believe we could make it."
TBC...
By Rita Widmer
Disclaimer: I don't own anything!
Feedback: Please!
Then you light up my sky like the fourth of July, Such an April fool I to believe
April 1, 2005
JAG HQ
'Marines don't bounce with excitement, marines don't bounce with excitement, marines don't bounce with excitement.' I think that if I keep this mantra up I will actually be able to not bounce, and go back to work. At least, body, let me walk like the marine I am until I get to my office. Is that so much to ask?
After all body, you kept me indoors for the last three months with bad morning sickness. I let you have control then, but let me have this sort of semblance of marine for awhile now.
This is the first big case I've put on since the morning sickness hit me hard in January. Sturgis and I were on the USS Patrick Henry, and I spent every day there throwing up. Poor Sturgis was completely freaking out, and he kept calling Harm and having me call Harm. After that the new Admiral wouldn't let me out on the ships until I got over my morning sickness.
I'm finally over that morning sickness with great relief, and though it's not really a case I'm working on its good enough for me. They need me on a 2-week stint as an interpreter on some government fact-finding mission. The Admiral reassured me that they knew I was pregnant, and that they would make sure to take every precaution available.
"So you're going?" Harm's voice startles me as I enter my office.
"How did you find out so quickly?" I ask.
"Office scuttlebutt, and I see I'm correct since you didn't deny it."
"Yes, I'm going and I don't see any problem with it. Its not like I'm going to do this for much longer, and I'm tired of sitting behind the desk doing paperwork, because of morning sickness."
"You're pregnant, Mac. That should be a good enough reason alone that you shouldn't go."
"I'm pregnant? And here I thought I was having 3 month long flu. Of course, I know I'm pregnant."
"Not only are you putting yourself in danger, but also you're putting our child in danger. The child you are carrying."
"They know I'm pregnant. If they thought I was going to be in any real danger they wouldn't have put me on as interpreter. There are plenty of interpreters who aren't pregnant that could do this, but they wanted me especially."
"Things happen, Mac."
"What are you afraid of, Harm? That it will end like Paraguay did?"
I watch him shake involuntarily at the mention of Paraguay. It was one thing we never really dealt with, but is always in the back of our minds.
"Harm, Webb is not even getting near me on this mission. He has nothing to do with this mission. He's the only one that everyone here including you that blame him more for what happened in Paraguay than me."
"That's not true, Mac, and you know it."
"Oh, oops, you blame me more, should have known. That's why after it all happened, you never answered my phone calls or called me back. That's why the Admiral yelled at me, Sturgis treated me like dirt under his fingernails, and Bud and Harriet were barely treating me like I was a fellow coworker and friend. Guess what, Harm? Webb is the only one during that time that treated me like I was their friend. I turned to him, because there was no one else to turn to."
"At least, you had them in your life. I had no one. No one, Mac."
"And you chose to make it that way. You didn't call anybody during the whole time you were in the CIA. I got to sit here, and hear all about how they were worried about you and got questioned by them all like I knew more then they did." I pull something out of the drawer, and hand it to him. "Those are all my requests for transfers and a resignation letter. Until the day you came back here, I had already started looking for a new place to work. I knew once you came back everything would start getting better and it did. But then I had to face your awful remarks to me."
"I can remember some dingers you threw at me, Mac. This has not been merely one sided. If I remember correctly, I apologized for them. The harshest comment though was while we were still in Paraguay. Do you remember one of the last things you said to me? You told me we never would work. I don't care about being on top or not. All I had ever wanted was a little time. You never gave me time after Sydney, on the Guadalcanal, nor in Paraguay. If I don't have the answers right away, you walk away. I gave up everything for you, Mac. That should mean something to you. Now the whole bullpen is staring at us. We need to go back to work, and tonight we are going to talk about this more. Hopefully more calmly. I'll bring some dinner to your place at 7."
I watch him slowly walk out. Sometimes I think I'm a fool to ever believe we could work this out. What more suiting day to feel like a fool then on April Fool's Day?
Mac's Apartment
Harm walks right into the apartment without knocking on the door. Amazingly, he's right on time. I watch him set down the dinner on the coffee table, and he turns to look at me.
"Come over, sit down and eat. There will be no complaining about how healthy the food is, and how there is no dead meat. I have no idea what they will be serving you while you're away, but as long as I have a choice you will eat healthy. Knowing you if you get too busy you might forget a meal or two."
"The only time I haven't eaten a meal is when my stomach wouldn't allow it. Harm, I love this baby that I'm carrying. If I really thought I was putting it in great danger, I wouldn't go on this mission. I know that much more about it then you do."
After getting that out of my system, I finally do what he told me to do. He just sits and watches me, and I send him glares once in awhile to make sure he knows that I don't like all this healthy food.
Once the food is gone, I sit back and look at him. The silence is reigning around us, and I decide I should start first. "Harm, when you came to Paraguay and rescued me, my first thought was that you did out of love. So after we got back to our hotel, I try to open up a conversation on us thinking you were ready to talk about it. Then when we weren't getting anywhere, and you were making wise cracks about Webb and I, I started thinking about it more. I realized that this wasn't the first time you were willing to give up everything for anyone. You were prepared to do it for Sergei, Bud, your father, and the line keeps going. Yes that makes me special, but it doesn't prove to me that you are in love with me. I needed confirmation that was your real reason for coming to rescue me."
"Mac, I saw you kiss Webb. After that I started to doubt your feelings for me, and then you were hanging on him for the rest of the trip. If he was the one you wanted, then you made your choice."
"You do everything to find the truth in a case, but when it comes to love you sit back and watch it walk out of your life. You didn't fight for me in Sydney nor in Paraguay. You never allowed me to understand that I had a choice between Mic and Webb and you. I thought my choices were they or no one, Harm."
"What do you call kissing you on the Admiral's porch?"
"I need more then mere words once in awhile, and some actions of love. I need both together, Harm. They both can be misinterpreted alone, but together I would have all the proof I needed of your love. 'You know the reason,' 'Not yet,' aren't good enough answers for me. By the end of Paraguay, I was sick and tired of waiting for both to come at the same time."
"You gave up on us so easily."
"I gave up on us easily? Are you kidding me? It's me that usually has to take the step forward in this relationship. The only time you tried is when I was on the Guadalcanal when I was not ready to deal with it all. I went away to get my head straightened back on, and find myself again. I can't do that if you are trying to throw in complications. What good would it be for us if I can't be myself Harm?"
"I wanted to help straighten things out, and let you know that you have someone waiting for you back home. If you had waited a moment longer then you would have heard my answer, but you didn't. Can you honestly tell me that you never knew or felt my love for you before I told you I love you?"
"The first time I felt it was the first time we tried to make this child. There were times before then that I thought maybe you did, but something would shatter my hope that it was real. This child was made out of our love. It's going to be part you, part me. Are you going to be able to handle the child if she is like me?"
The stunned look on his face catches me by surprise. "Of course, Mac. I love that child you're carrying very much."
"Then why do you always get upset and angry with me every time I take on a mission that I've been trained and have the skills to do? I was a perfectly good candidate to go on that mission with Webb. Why should I have turned it down?"
"Because you could have been killed!"
"So it's all right for you to take on flying missions that could cost you your life like you did with that dirty nuke, but I should sit home behind the desk where nothing could happen to me?"
"Of course not, Mac, but you were going on a mission with Webb. Webb, you know the man who always has missions go wrong! You weren't just going on any mission, you were going on one that was very dangerous, and no one I trusted was with you. This time not only are you going into dangerous territory, but you are risking not just your life but the baby's life."
"I can very well take care of myself, and interpreting is not a dangerous job. As long as I can physically go on cases or missions I will. If you don't like that, you better tell me now, so we can end this relationship."
"Are you trying to get yourself killed, Mac? Do you have no regard what you do to others when you do these things?"
"No, I am being me, a marine. Just get out, Harm. Come back to me when you can handle being with a marine."
"Can you handle being with a man who loves you so much that it would kill him if something happened to you?" I turn away from him, and the only sound I hear is the door shutting behind Harm. It's the quiet after he leaves that allows the tears to fall. My body wracking with sobs, I fall on the ground holding my head in my hands. The tears never being stopped.
"I was such an April Fool to believe we could make it."
TBC...