I park outside the gates of the old manor house. The place is currently
owned by a group of monks from some ancient order. They don't have a phone,
so I couldn't let them know I was coming before hand. I just hope they have
somewhere I can wait out the day. I start the walk up to the house. The
path is quite long and the walk is making me nauseas. The land surrounding
the house is obviously holy, and I suspect if I pick up some dirt it'll
burn straight through my hand.
The door has a large brass knocker, the noise from which echoes around the grounds. There certainly won't be anyone sleeping anymore. After about 3 minutes wait the door is opened by someone in a monk's habit. I can't see their face as it's hidden within the large hood. I inform him who I'm here to see and he walks off, leaving the door slightly ajar, but without saying a word to me. I don't know if that is enough of an invitation to enter and I slowly press my hand against the invisible barrier at the threshold of the door. I'm a little worried, they seem to know a bit about vampires, they could very well know enough to stake me before I get a chance to explain myself.
I start to look around for any signs of danger when I'm greeted from behind. "Xander" "Hey Oz, I could use some help, can I come in?" He looks at me as he moves outside and closes the door. "Guess you know a bit about why I'm here then." "Could say that" He indicates a direction and I start to walk.
I remember how surprised I had been when I received that first letter from Oz, it had been about a month after he had come back for Willow, and had left for the final time. I guess once he gave up on ever being able to really be part of her life he just needed to know she was ok. I guess I wrote back because I understood that need to know, because I felt guilty for being a part of what broke them apart, and in part because I missed Oz. He was the first male friend I had had since Jesse and I had enjoyed the company.
So I had started writing back to him, even finding myself comfortable enough to tell him how Willows relation with Tara progressed. I even told him about my discomfort with Tara. I've never really figured out why I feel that though, but she makes Willow happy and as Oz reminded me, that should be enough for both of us. I've even been able to forgive him his part in Willows unhappiness where I haven't been able to forgive my own.
"So what's with the vampyness?" His comment jars me back to reality. "How did you know?" "One of my teachers told me I would need to give aid to a demon from my past" He pauses briefly, looking thoughtful. "I thought he was being metaphorical." "Oh" I don't really know what to say, so I tell him everything, the night in the park, my experience between death and waking, everything until I arrived here. He doesn't say a word as I speak, but it's something you get used to with Oz. I'm surprised how conversational he's already been. Suddenly Oz stops and I turn around, there's a twinkle of amusement in his eyes and I turn again to see what he's looking at. "You've got to be kidding me" The sides of his mouth twitch up; it's probably the closest I've seen him to outright laughter. I look again at the object of his amusement. "I guess it'll have to do." I sigh as I make my way towards the mausoleum.
I guess it's about midday when I wake, the floor of the mausoleum is hard and at first I can barely move. I imagine it would also be unbearable cold were I still mortal, but I've noticed that the cold doesn't seem to affect me much anymore. It's another few hours before Oz arrives, he enters slowly, and I guess he's trying to see if I'm asleep. Seeing me in the far corner he nods and makes his way over to me. He sits opposite me and we sit in silence for a moment, when he does speak it's in a very sombre tone.
"My teacher thinks I should stake you." "Ever think he might be right?" Oz looks at me with amusement. "With comments like that?" He starts to get up, "let's get you convinced you're safe so you can get back home." And with that he starts to describe a meditation he was taught shortly after he first left, it basically lets you talk to all the various bits of yourself as if they were different people. He says it's meant to help you understand yourself better. We laugh as he describes the shock of having Devon, lead singer of the dingoes, representing his libido. Then its all business as he starts to lay out some crystals, shows me where to sit, and tells me what to visualise, I hear him chanting as all my senses seem to rush into me.
I've been here once before, the endless stretching white, the lack of any detail, a surge of fear rushes through me as I remember the demon, striding towards me with bloodlust in its eyes. I turn round to check that its not here with me and come face to face with my father. He's drunk, not that I can remember a time when he hasn't been. He's shouting at me, telling me I'm a failure, all things that I'm used to hearing from him. He punches me in the chin. I don't fight back, because I've never fought back. I face worse things than him every night, hell I'm a vampire, I am one of those things. But to face up to him? I don't know if I can do it. He's telling me my future now, how one day I'll snap, killing someone and forcing my best friend to kill me. I know its true, I can feel the demon bubbling up, my game face is on and I know I'm going to kill him. I can't control it.
My worst fear. This is my worst fear. I focus on that thought. On the fear I've felt since before my dad appeared. I'm scared of losing control. I'm scared of becoming my father. A mantra Willow taught me when I was nine pops into my head. I have nothing to fear but fear itself. I look at my dad, my personification of fear and think, what do I have to be afraid of?
As my dad fades away, a hand is placed on my shoulder. "Well done, Xander, I'm proud of you." I turn round to face the man speaking to me; I already know who it is, and the intellect he symbolises to me. As I face Giles he speaks again, "you've got a good brain in your head, it really is a shame you don't use it more." I smile at his half compliment as he gestures that I have someone else to meet. I turn again to face the young blonde in front of me as she pulls me into a hug. "You can be your own hero now, you hear me" she smiles at me as she fades away.
I look around for someone else. I'm not surprised to see Willow standing waiting for me. My best friend since as long as I can remember, I have know doubt that she's here as my friendships. As I get close to her she pulls be into an embrace and then kisses me lightly on the lips, ok maybe she symbolises a little more than friendship, I wait for her to speak but I'm surprised by what she says. "Your not here to see me, you're here to see him" She points down to her side where a very large hyena sits next to her. I jump back in surprise while she fusses over the hyena like it was a Collie or a Labrador. She looks at me a little disappointed and speaks again. "What else would a pack animal bond to but your sense of loyalty to your friends?" She reaches her hand for mine and brings it down to pat the hyena. It might look like a cross between a dog, lion, and road kill; but it does seem to behave just like a regular dog. It's sitting there panting and getting excited over the attention it's getting. Just as I start to relax about the idea of petting a wild animal the scene fades again, I stand up and look around for my next encounter.
I nearly jump out of my skin when I see the demon that tried to inhabit my body kneeling in front of me like a knight before their king. I get into a fighting stance but he just remains there, I have to remind myself that this isn't real, that I'm really back in some dank mausoleum surrounded by pink crystals.
"Uh hi?" The demon makes eye contact with me but remains silent. "Um, could you tell me what's going on here?" "You have summoned me" His voice is identical to mine, it's very creepy. "I meant more like, what happened, why am I like I am, rather than just a plain vampire?" "You defeated me. You took everything that I was into yourself" "Wait, was? You mean you're not an are?" Even I don't know what I'm asking. "I ceased to be when you defeated me. Now I'm nothing but a part of you." As I try to digest that little snippet of information, the world starts to fade out and I can feel the hard floor or the mausoleum again. I have a lot to think about.
I sit and talk to Oz for hours, ok I mostly talk, but he talks much more than I remember. I wonder if that was his thing, to keep people out, much like my humour is. I'm glad we've moved on from those times. To such an extent that I can tell him my whole experience without feeling weird. Even the part where I realise that maybe I still see Willow as more than a friend, ok, a lot more. I see the hurt in his eyes though, while he smiles and tells me I'd have to be both blind and stupid not too. He's right of course, and thinking back it's obvious I just tried to forget in order to deal with her relationship with Oz, and later Tara. Of course I remind myself how happy Tara makes Willow and I guess I know what bothered me about Tara now. I make a mental note to be nicer to Tara when I get back to Sunnydale, or if I get back.
Oz brings me back to the present when he mentions that the monks have a large selection of vampire and demon books, I ask if I can look through them and he beckons me to follow him. As I stand at the doors to the building I can see a few of the monks staring out at me, if looks could kill I'd be ash right now.
"Maybe I shouldn't, I don't think they're too pleased I'm here." "Xander" He looks at me with a slight smile on his lips, "come in." I can hear the muttering from all around me as Oz leads me through the building. I can tell that he's going to hear a lot about this when I'm gone. Finally we enter a room which has almost as many demonology books as Giles used to have at the library. Me and Oz grab likely looking books and settle down to find out something about what happened to me. It's actually nice to be researching something without a looming end of the world pushing me forward. It seems so normal that I have to remind myself that I'm researching my own demonic nature, not some demon that Buffy will go kill before we head to the bronze. I can almost imagine Buffy and Giles are training behind me, Willows over on the computer while Cordy whittles some stakes, and all the while complaining about having to hang out with social outcasts such as us. But again it's just me and Oz, and soon I'll be on my way to LA and it will just be me again.
"Got anything?" I'm asking just to break up the monotony now, they have a huge collection, maybe bigger than Giles's, I'm just flicking through books now in the hope something will just catch my eye. "Got a warlock that tried to imbue himself with the essence of a vampire." "What happened?" "Slayer, oh and here we have info on the demon who started the whole thing" my mind glazes over for a moment as I've heard Giles tell this story a few times, guess Oz managed to miss it. "Oh, wow" did I say that out loud? "What you got?" I look down at the page and start to read it out to Oz.
"...and the demon had taken our favourite daughter and we were lost, but
the man had allowed entrance to the demon, and was equally guilty. For
the sake of our clans lost daughter the man and demon were bound to
each other for eternity, the demon denied the carnage it so desired,
the man to suffer an eternity knowing what he had allowed to happen
through him. For no smaller penance can be paid for taking the beloved
of our clan."
"Sound like anyone we know?" I could hardly believe what I was holding, Oz looked on impassively, and I couldn't even begin to guess what he was thinking.
The door has a large brass knocker, the noise from which echoes around the grounds. There certainly won't be anyone sleeping anymore. After about 3 minutes wait the door is opened by someone in a monk's habit. I can't see their face as it's hidden within the large hood. I inform him who I'm here to see and he walks off, leaving the door slightly ajar, but without saying a word to me. I don't know if that is enough of an invitation to enter and I slowly press my hand against the invisible barrier at the threshold of the door. I'm a little worried, they seem to know a bit about vampires, they could very well know enough to stake me before I get a chance to explain myself.
I start to look around for any signs of danger when I'm greeted from behind. "Xander" "Hey Oz, I could use some help, can I come in?" He looks at me as he moves outside and closes the door. "Guess you know a bit about why I'm here then." "Could say that" He indicates a direction and I start to walk.
I remember how surprised I had been when I received that first letter from Oz, it had been about a month after he had come back for Willow, and had left for the final time. I guess once he gave up on ever being able to really be part of her life he just needed to know she was ok. I guess I wrote back because I understood that need to know, because I felt guilty for being a part of what broke them apart, and in part because I missed Oz. He was the first male friend I had had since Jesse and I had enjoyed the company.
So I had started writing back to him, even finding myself comfortable enough to tell him how Willows relation with Tara progressed. I even told him about my discomfort with Tara. I've never really figured out why I feel that though, but she makes Willow happy and as Oz reminded me, that should be enough for both of us. I've even been able to forgive him his part in Willows unhappiness where I haven't been able to forgive my own.
"So what's with the vampyness?" His comment jars me back to reality. "How did you know?" "One of my teachers told me I would need to give aid to a demon from my past" He pauses briefly, looking thoughtful. "I thought he was being metaphorical." "Oh" I don't really know what to say, so I tell him everything, the night in the park, my experience between death and waking, everything until I arrived here. He doesn't say a word as I speak, but it's something you get used to with Oz. I'm surprised how conversational he's already been. Suddenly Oz stops and I turn around, there's a twinkle of amusement in his eyes and I turn again to see what he's looking at. "You've got to be kidding me" The sides of his mouth twitch up; it's probably the closest I've seen him to outright laughter. I look again at the object of his amusement. "I guess it'll have to do." I sigh as I make my way towards the mausoleum.
I guess it's about midday when I wake, the floor of the mausoleum is hard and at first I can barely move. I imagine it would also be unbearable cold were I still mortal, but I've noticed that the cold doesn't seem to affect me much anymore. It's another few hours before Oz arrives, he enters slowly, and I guess he's trying to see if I'm asleep. Seeing me in the far corner he nods and makes his way over to me. He sits opposite me and we sit in silence for a moment, when he does speak it's in a very sombre tone.
"My teacher thinks I should stake you." "Ever think he might be right?" Oz looks at me with amusement. "With comments like that?" He starts to get up, "let's get you convinced you're safe so you can get back home." And with that he starts to describe a meditation he was taught shortly after he first left, it basically lets you talk to all the various bits of yourself as if they were different people. He says it's meant to help you understand yourself better. We laugh as he describes the shock of having Devon, lead singer of the dingoes, representing his libido. Then its all business as he starts to lay out some crystals, shows me where to sit, and tells me what to visualise, I hear him chanting as all my senses seem to rush into me.
I've been here once before, the endless stretching white, the lack of any detail, a surge of fear rushes through me as I remember the demon, striding towards me with bloodlust in its eyes. I turn round to check that its not here with me and come face to face with my father. He's drunk, not that I can remember a time when he hasn't been. He's shouting at me, telling me I'm a failure, all things that I'm used to hearing from him. He punches me in the chin. I don't fight back, because I've never fought back. I face worse things than him every night, hell I'm a vampire, I am one of those things. But to face up to him? I don't know if I can do it. He's telling me my future now, how one day I'll snap, killing someone and forcing my best friend to kill me. I know its true, I can feel the demon bubbling up, my game face is on and I know I'm going to kill him. I can't control it.
My worst fear. This is my worst fear. I focus on that thought. On the fear I've felt since before my dad appeared. I'm scared of losing control. I'm scared of becoming my father. A mantra Willow taught me when I was nine pops into my head. I have nothing to fear but fear itself. I look at my dad, my personification of fear and think, what do I have to be afraid of?
As my dad fades away, a hand is placed on my shoulder. "Well done, Xander, I'm proud of you." I turn round to face the man speaking to me; I already know who it is, and the intellect he symbolises to me. As I face Giles he speaks again, "you've got a good brain in your head, it really is a shame you don't use it more." I smile at his half compliment as he gestures that I have someone else to meet. I turn again to face the young blonde in front of me as she pulls me into a hug. "You can be your own hero now, you hear me" she smiles at me as she fades away.
I look around for someone else. I'm not surprised to see Willow standing waiting for me. My best friend since as long as I can remember, I have know doubt that she's here as my friendships. As I get close to her she pulls be into an embrace and then kisses me lightly on the lips, ok maybe she symbolises a little more than friendship, I wait for her to speak but I'm surprised by what she says. "Your not here to see me, you're here to see him" She points down to her side where a very large hyena sits next to her. I jump back in surprise while she fusses over the hyena like it was a Collie or a Labrador. She looks at me a little disappointed and speaks again. "What else would a pack animal bond to but your sense of loyalty to your friends?" She reaches her hand for mine and brings it down to pat the hyena. It might look like a cross between a dog, lion, and road kill; but it does seem to behave just like a regular dog. It's sitting there panting and getting excited over the attention it's getting. Just as I start to relax about the idea of petting a wild animal the scene fades again, I stand up and look around for my next encounter.
I nearly jump out of my skin when I see the demon that tried to inhabit my body kneeling in front of me like a knight before their king. I get into a fighting stance but he just remains there, I have to remind myself that this isn't real, that I'm really back in some dank mausoleum surrounded by pink crystals.
"Uh hi?" The demon makes eye contact with me but remains silent. "Um, could you tell me what's going on here?" "You have summoned me" His voice is identical to mine, it's very creepy. "I meant more like, what happened, why am I like I am, rather than just a plain vampire?" "You defeated me. You took everything that I was into yourself" "Wait, was? You mean you're not an are?" Even I don't know what I'm asking. "I ceased to be when you defeated me. Now I'm nothing but a part of you." As I try to digest that little snippet of information, the world starts to fade out and I can feel the hard floor or the mausoleum again. I have a lot to think about.
I sit and talk to Oz for hours, ok I mostly talk, but he talks much more than I remember. I wonder if that was his thing, to keep people out, much like my humour is. I'm glad we've moved on from those times. To such an extent that I can tell him my whole experience without feeling weird. Even the part where I realise that maybe I still see Willow as more than a friend, ok, a lot more. I see the hurt in his eyes though, while he smiles and tells me I'd have to be both blind and stupid not too. He's right of course, and thinking back it's obvious I just tried to forget in order to deal with her relationship with Oz, and later Tara. Of course I remind myself how happy Tara makes Willow and I guess I know what bothered me about Tara now. I make a mental note to be nicer to Tara when I get back to Sunnydale, or if I get back.
Oz brings me back to the present when he mentions that the monks have a large selection of vampire and demon books, I ask if I can look through them and he beckons me to follow him. As I stand at the doors to the building I can see a few of the monks staring out at me, if looks could kill I'd be ash right now.
"Maybe I shouldn't, I don't think they're too pleased I'm here." "Xander" He looks at me with a slight smile on his lips, "come in." I can hear the muttering from all around me as Oz leads me through the building. I can tell that he's going to hear a lot about this when I'm gone. Finally we enter a room which has almost as many demonology books as Giles used to have at the library. Me and Oz grab likely looking books and settle down to find out something about what happened to me. It's actually nice to be researching something without a looming end of the world pushing me forward. It seems so normal that I have to remind myself that I'm researching my own demonic nature, not some demon that Buffy will go kill before we head to the bronze. I can almost imagine Buffy and Giles are training behind me, Willows over on the computer while Cordy whittles some stakes, and all the while complaining about having to hang out with social outcasts such as us. But again it's just me and Oz, and soon I'll be on my way to LA and it will just be me again.
"Got anything?" I'm asking just to break up the monotony now, they have a huge collection, maybe bigger than Giles's, I'm just flicking through books now in the hope something will just catch my eye. "Got a warlock that tried to imbue himself with the essence of a vampire." "What happened?" "Slayer, oh and here we have info on the demon who started the whole thing" my mind glazes over for a moment as I've heard Giles tell this story a few times, guess Oz managed to miss it. "Oh, wow" did I say that out loud? "What you got?" I look down at the page and start to read it out to Oz.
"...and the demon had taken our favourite daughter and we were lost, but
the man had allowed entrance to the demon, and was equally guilty. For
the sake of our clans lost daughter the man and demon were bound to
each other for eternity, the demon denied the carnage it so desired,
the man to suffer an eternity knowing what he had allowed to happen
through him. For no smaller penance can be paid for taking the beloved
of our clan."
"Sound like anyone we know?" I could hardly believe what I was holding, Oz looked on impassively, and I couldn't even begin to guess what he was thinking.