"And you're shining like the brightest star, a transmission from the
midnight radio." --Hedwig and the angry Inch
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Chapter Four: The Brightest Star
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Shuichi and I decide to take a taxi, due to the fact that there is absolutely no way that Ten will drive us to Yuki Eiri's place.
We ride through the city, streets still bustling with nightlife. Inside the taxi, we can't hear the voices of the people, the sounds of both revelry and work in a city that refuses to sleep. All we can hear is the blast of cold coming from the air conditioner and the intermittent squawk of the driver's two-way radio.
"You sure about this, Shu-chan?"
Shuichi's temple is against the window as he gazes at the road ahead. "Not really, no. But, I think it needs to be done."
Kumagoro is clinging to my hand. He's as worried as I am. We made a promise to Tohma. But, this isn't really a -confrontation-, is it? This is just a -conversation-. Two completely different things. Right, Kumagoro?
Right.
In a way, however, I think Shuichi is correct. This needs to be done. Yuki Eiri loves him, and this must have been some sort of massive misunderstanding. They are always fighting, those two, and maybe, just this once, things got out of hand on Yuki-san's end.
Just because you fight...it doesn't mean the love is gone. Some of the healthiest relationships I've ever seen require both parties to let off steam whenever possible.
Even Tomi and I fought a few times. It was hard to fight with Tomi, though. When he was upset, he would just act happier and happier until that plastic smile never left his face. Then, finally, he'd break down like the last block pulled from a Jenga puzzle causing it to collapse. You never knew what it would be that would set him off. Once, everything seemed normal and fine while we were shopping, and the next thing I knew, Tomi was sobbing pitifully over a torn bag of macaroni noodles. Another time we were sitting in a cheerful outdoor cafe, and then in a snap, Tomi was blubbering about the fact that our table didn't have any sugar packets.
Anyway, fighting doesn't necessarily imply hate. Often, it seems to be more about needs not being met or various forms of miscommunication.
I try to glance at Shuichi without being obvious. His dull green windbreaker and faded baseball cap do nothing to hide his identity. Nothing can hide Shuichi, I fear. Dress him up however you like, cover him in leaves and tar, and he's still a shining meteorite on a collision course with destiny.
Every few seconds, his lips move, almost imperceptibly. I can see that he's practicing, trying out conversations with Yuki-san in his head.
"Just say what you feel, Shuichi," I sound so certain, so in charge of the situation. Shuichi's head turns and he's looking at me now as if I've said something remarkable. And even though we're whipping through the city in a taxi, I feel oddly still. It is a stillness I attempt to impart to Shuichi. "It will come to you when you see him. That which is heartfelt, when shared between two in love, can not help but be a balm to all wounds."
Shuichi's eyebrows lift, as if surprised. His glossy lips part ever so minutely. He stutters out a syllable that sounds a lot like "Oh", but before he can say any more, Kumagoro jumps up on top of Shuichi's head.
"Kuma-chan thinks so too, na no da!"
Yuki Eiri lives in a very fine flat in a quiet part of town. I've been there several times to see Shuichi. But, I try not to go there -too- much, because Tohma says Yuki-san needs his quiet for writing. I tried to read one of Yuki-san's books once, because I wanted to know more about the person that my friend Shuichi loves. It didn't have any pictures and used a lot of flowery language, so I really didn't get very far. It was about this mute girl who was in love with a singer, I think. One day she got her voice back, but she continued to pretend to be mute. She thought that if he heard her voice, he'd realize how plain it was compared to his own.
Or something like that. Very tragic.
Anyway, when we arrived, I gave Shuichi the biggest smile I could muster. It was sincere, too. Because I had a great hope that this meeting would mend the relationship of two people who were very much in love.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I remember Uesugi Eiri.
Sort of.
Tohma always had a lot of friends, as I've mentioned. But, somehow, Uesugi Eiri and his sister Mika received more attention than most.
It was the same horridly hot summer that I met Tomi when Tohma's entire family went to visit relatives in New York. The American Seguchis were acquainted with the American Uesugis, I suppose. And, from there, Tohma met Eiri and Mika.
When he returned to Japan, our friendship picked up exactly where it left off. It didn't seem to matter to Tohma that I was dating Tomi, nor did it really matter to me that Tohma was dating Mika-san. When we were together, playing in his basement, that sort of stuff took backseat to the music.
Nonetheless, it never seemed to me that Tohma was made any more or less happy by his relationship with Mika-san. Not unhappy...but...
When Tomi walked into a room, I couldn't help but smile this ridiculously huge goofy grin.
When Mika walked into a room, Tohma just smirked. Then again, Tohma has his own ways of doing things, of expressing himself. He's brilliant, you see. Tohma has always been two steps ahead of everyone else, and three steps ahead of me. He's a great keyboardist, but he's extraordinary at making deals and manipulating an image. With any other person, Nittle Grasper would have been just another great, but struggling, band.
Anyway, Tohma seemed to be pursuing Mika-san quite vigorously. Don't get me wrong, he was a perfect gentleman, as always. (Alright, he isn't -always- a perfect gentleman. You should see what he did to this one club owner who stiffed us our pay. Geez. Seguchi Tohma has a -killer- backhand. Never play him at tennis or racquetball. Seriously.)
The first time I saw Uesugi Eiri, he was sitting on the porch in front of Mika-san's house, scribbling in a -blue- notebook, looking dark and mysterious.
The second time I saw Uesugi Eiri, he was sitting on the porch in front of Mika-san's house, scribbling in a -green- notebook, looking dark and mysterious.
The third time...
Well, you get the idea. All I really knew about him was that he went through a lot of notebooks.
I can't say I ever did get to know him very well. But, Tohma seemed to like him well enough. He'd invite Eiri-chan along with us when we all went on double-dates, which was rare, but did happen on occasion.
Yes. Tohma really liked Uesugi Eiri. I always suspected it was because they had so much in common. Blonde hair, half-American heritages, brains than never stopped trying to break down the world. Chop it into blocks they could use to rebuild it in their own images.
Eiri did it with writing. Tohma constructed NG.
Well, after Eiri started writing full time, I didn't see him around much anymore. I can't say I missed him much.
People who don't ever laugh give me the willies.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"You ready, Shu-chan?"
Shuichi and I climbed out of the car. The night air had turned colder somewhere between my house and Yuki-san's. I paid the cab fare and we headed for the door.
Shuichi stumbled a bit on some gravel, and I steadied him with my hand on his shoulder. I felt very big brotherly, right then, taking my friend to be reconciled with his lover, helping him to find his happiness once again, making sure he didn't fall down. Except, well, I was attracted to the guy towards which I was being brotherly, so I suppose that isn't actually a good way to look at it.
Shuichi and I climbed the stairs to Yuki-san's apartment. The lights in the stairwell and in the hallway caused our shadows to dance clockwise around our feet as we passed, circling us like apparitions of vultures in the desert. Shuichi sighed once, twice, shivered a bit underneath his light windbreaker, but never hesitated in his step. By the time he was fishing for his keys in his pocket, his eyes were shining more brightly than I could ever remember even seeing on stage.
I could almost hear his thoughts. "I'm going to make this work. I'm going to show him that nothing he has done will make me love him less, that he can't drive me away so easily."
It was quiet there, in that hallway, but we could hear the sound of the television from just beyond Yuki-san's door. I recognized the announcer's voice, and immediately knew the program. "Pop Week", which is half a video show and half a news show about music. Kuma-chan and I watch it whenever we can to see if anyone we know is on TV.
Shuichi puts down the bag he was carrying and unlocks the door. He bends back down to pick up the bag as I turn the knob and push.
The blue glow of the TV hits my face as the door swings open. The sound of Pop Week. The acrid smell of lemon cleaner. And, the sight that grabs my heart and tears it from my chest.
Yuki Eiri, on the couch, draped over Seguchi Tohma's lap.
Yuki-san's head rests on Tohma's legs. Yuki-san's torso, shirtless and sweaty, lays against a backdrop of Tohma's lithe and naked chest. Tohma, smiling so serenely, hands entwined in the blonde hair, strokes it with what seems to be utter glee. Yuki-san's eyes are closed in blissful rest. A blanket pulled up to Yuki-san's waist affords him some decency, but Tohma is in nothing but his boxer shorts.
Tohma.
And Yuki-san.
Tohma. My Tohma. My best friend. The one person I trusted to never...to always be...
I am so stunned, I momentarily forget about Shuichi. By the time I return to my senses, Shuichi has already retrieved his bag and made his way around the door.
It is too late. He sees...what I see.
"Don't look, Shuichi!" Because every second you look will be another nail into your heart. Don't look. This isn't it. This is a dream. This isn't happening to you. You are asleep at my penthouse and in a moment we're going to wake up and drink sodas. Don't look. "Don't look!"
"Yuki?" Shuichi teeters forward as his bag drops from his hands. His voice is just like a child's, just like a little kid who has suddenly realized for the first time that adults lie. "Yuki?"
Yuki Eiri opens his eyes, piercing amber eyes which remind me of some deadly savage beast. After some searching, his gaze locks on Shuichi. Deep and weary, Yuki-san's voice asks, "Brat?"
"Yuki...why? Yuki, why would you...?" I feel Shuichi falling. He crumples as easily as a folding fan, landing on his knees. Kumagoro mimics the motion, and lands face-down next to Shuichi's feet.
I guess he didn't want to look, either.
Yuki-san pushes himself up on one arm, slowly, exhaustedly. He looks from Shuichi, to me, to Tohma and back to Shuichi. "Brat, this isn't..."
"This isn't any of your business," Tohma says, completing the thought. The whole time, the entire time, his gaze had remained fixed on mine. He can't...no...he won't look at Shuichi. "He never loved you, Shindou-san. You were just a passing interest. A toy. And you've grown worn out and boring. You aren't needed here anymore. So leave."
His voice. Just like honey. As sweet and sticky-slick as honey.
Tohma's voice. My words. My insensitive words to Yukiro making Shuichi gasp for air. My words tearing sobs from Shuichi's throat.
"Isn't that right, Eiri? Shuichi should leave?"
"Yeah, Brat," Yuki-san echoes rather dejectedly, falling back onto Tohma's lap. "You should leave."
Tohma smiling sweetly and triumphantly.
Yuki-san's lips snapping closed, his gaze turning liquidly towards the television.
Shuichi shaking. Shuichi...trying to cry out, to say something. Anything. But, no sound comes out. His pink and blue hair thrown back, his mouth wide. Bony hands come up to cover his face as he gives up and slumps over, sobbing.
Shuichi hurting.
I step in front of him. I don't want him to look anymore. Shuichi's head rests against the back of my calves.
Furious. So...furious... Furious that Tohma would do this. Incomprehensible anger that he would use my words to hurt Shuichi. White hot rage at Yuki Eiri's lies.
"This is twisted, Tohma. You're sick. You're both sick and disturbed."
Tohma sighs deeply and leans back against the couch, languidly stretching his arms out over the tops of cushions. "You would know about twisted, sick, and disturbed, wouldn't you, Ryuichi?"
"I never..." I feel my teeth grinding.
"Never broke anyone's heart? I beg to differ. I'd name them all, but we'd be here all night, wouldn't we? After Tomi, you just couldn't..."
"You shut up! Don't you -dare- say Tomi's name. Don't you DARE let his name cross your lips..."
Something in Tohma's eyes frightens me. He looks down at Yuki-san for a long time before responding. "Your broken little mind, Ryuichi... Your poor broken mind. Tell me, do you still call for him in your sleep? Do you still hide his things away from the world, protecting them in the hopes that you can save something...something of your love? You do, don't you? You mourn every single day. You mourn so completely that the pain consumes you..."
"FUCK YOU!" Now, I'm shaking. I'm shaking so badly that I have to hold on to the door frame to remain standing.
"You can't understand this, Ryuichi." Tohma's voice is so quiet now, almost tender. "It's complicated."
"It's not complicated. You're sleeping with your wife's brother!"
Resignedly, Tohma reaches over and pulls the blanket on Yuki-san's legs, covering the other man's torso. "I told you not to come here, Ryuichi. You shouldn't have come here. So, please, just take Shuichi and go."
"Aren't you going to say anything to him, Yuki-san? Apologize to him! Say something, you bastard!"
Yuki Eiri's eyes never leave the television. His voice, hollow and drained, replies after what seems like forever. "No. Just go."
And then I'm lifting Shuichi off the ground. I'm pulling him away, dragging him through the hallway, cursing the names of Seguchi Tohma and Yuki Eiri at the top of my lungs. Shuichi can barely see with his hair plastered to his face from tears, and the constant gasps of air to fuel his heavy sobs cause him to wobble worse than a drunk man.
Somehow, we end up on the street. Shuichi collapses on the curb.
And, I spot Tohma's car.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I can't really remember anything between the time I began to smash Tohma's car, and the time I heard police sirens.
Hearing them, however, shook me from my enraged stupor enough to drop the tire iron and stumble backwards.
It didn't look like much of a car anymore.
I fall against the steps, bumping into Shuichi in the process. He cries out softly, a pitiful little wail caused not so much by physical pain as from being knocked from his blank stupor and rhythmic sobbing.
"Shuichi, we have to go. The police..."
He doesn't move. I don't think he even sees me standing here.
Probably the most reasonable thing I've done all evening is to pull Shuichi up, drape his arms over my shoulders, and lift him onto my back. I'm not exactly the strongest or biggest guy in the world, but somehow I find just enough strength to carry Shuichi down the road.
I look back, just once, over my left shoulder (since Shuichi's head was resting on my right), and you know...
I swear I see Yuki Eiri looking through the curtains at us. Just for a second. I swear I do.
But...I...
Everything is so confusing at the moment. My head pounds, my vision swims. Shuichi's body against my back, heavy and shivering, causes only more disorientation within my soul. His panting breath against my ear as he slips from agony to numbness somehow conjures visions of Tomi.
Tomi and I in bed together, in blissful exaltation of our love. Moaning, panting, trying to become one again.
Tomi in his hospital bed...panting...in so much pain...so much pain...
I'm holding his hand. I'm singing softly, singing his favorite songs, but..
Nothing I could do would ever take the pain away. And for Shuichi...
I've failed Shuichi, too.
I duck into some alleyway, wandering aimlessly away from the scene of the crime I've just committed. I'm not overly worried about it. What's Tohma going to do? Press charges? Try to put his own band member and biggest money maker in jail? It would be like stealing from himself. And I know now that Tohma only steals from others.
"You're bleeding...Ryuichi," Shuichi manages between choked breaths.
"Huh?" Oh. Right. I forgot about that. When I smashed the windshields, I think some of the glass flew out and cut me. "Yeah, it's okay."
I can't feel it, anyway.
"Do you have your phone, Shuichi?"
"I think...in my...pocket..."
We emerge on some random suburban street, well lit by the golden glow of street lights. Nicely trimmed yards and spotless driveways sporting luxury cars line the block. Unable to walk any further carrying Shuichi on my back, I sit down on the curb near a pair of tin trash cans.
Shuichi remains leaning against my back, his face pressed into the apex of my spine. Somehow, I manage to get his phone from his pocket and dial.
It rings only once, and is picked up.
Molly's worried voice hits my ear. "Sakuma-san? Please say that is you..."
"Yeah."
"Where are you? Everyone is looking for you and Shindou-san! K just called and said that Seguchi-san..."
"Molly...get Ten...the car...please, quickly..." Very quickly. I'm feeling very dizzy. I don't know how much longer I can hold together. If you even call this holding together, which I am not sure that you can.
"Alright. Alright. We'll be right there."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"Shuichi?"
My friend answered by pressing his face more firmly into my back. His legs remained curled around my waist, his hands balled into fists resting on my shoulder blades. I reached down and touched his knee, his left knee, just to make sure he was real, that I had really brought him here. When I removed my hand, a half-palm print of sticky blood remained.
Around me, the landscape warped and wobbled, like looking up a street through searing hot steam on a summer day. Nothing would remain stationary. My mind felt similar. Within my head, a thousand visions flashed, a post-holiday slideshow of the more horrific sections of my existence. Who was I? Who was I really?
Before I met Tomi, I was just floating. I was a plain egg in boiling water, waiting for the timer. Who am I now? Am I cruel? Am I really so cruel? Do I make them love me and then toss it aside for brighter and newer obsessions?
(Scrambled egg. I must be a scrambled egg.)
Is it because of me...because Shuichi wanted to be like me...that he's being hurt?
I just don't want you to see me, Tomi. I don't want you to see how I turned out. What an awful mess I've made of things without you. So, sometimes, I pretend to be someone else altogether. Someone you might like.
Still. Even now...
Every time...
Every time I sing, I look for your face in the crowd.
The sky is beautiful. Look at all the stars tonight. We could count them, if you wanted. We can spend all night counting them, and thinking of nothing but the sky and our insignificance as compared to the expanse of the Universe. And you can tell me all the stories you made up about the constellations.
Look, Tomi, the sky is moving! It's dancing! It's dancing just for us. I bet I can...
"R...Ryuichi?"
I bet I can reach up and grab...that one. That bright one there. The shiniest star in the entire sky. Just for you.
"Ryuichi? Are you alright?"
Hm? When did you do your hair like that, Tomi? It suits you, though. The pink really sets off your eyes. Makes them all glittery, na no da. Aw, don't look so frightened. I don't know where we are right now, but certainly it can't be that bad. 'Cause we're here together...right?
"Ryuichi! Stay awake! Stay awake! Please!"
Is this a game, Tomi? Must be a new one. I don't remember...I can't remember...
Oh, Tomi? Have you seen Kumagoro lately?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"You lost a lot of blood, I guess. Running speeds up the heart rate. That's why you're supposed to remain still, Sakuma-san."
Who is this woman, and why is she talking to me?
"Twelve stitches in your left arm. That's a new record for you."
She's got blonde hair up in a bun and she's putting away stuff into a black bag. She's dressed pretty plainly, so... I don't think she's in a band. Maybe she's one of Tohma's friends. They're always talking to me like they I know who they are. Tohma's friends are usually so...
Tohma's friends.
Tohma.
I jolt upwards, causing the woman poking at my arm to stumble backwards. Her calves hit the coffee table, and she ends up spilling a neat pile of 'Music Splash!' magazines as her rump hits the thick (and thankfully sturdy) glass.
This is my penthouse. How did we get here? And...
"WHO IS THIS PERSON?"
"Sakuma-san," Molly says quietly from the couch opposite mine, "This is Ijima-sensei, remember? Your doctor?"
Before I can lunge at the shocked doctor's neck, Ten is somehow behind me, his arms locked under mine, restraining my movement.
"I. Hate. Doctors." I try to wiggle away from Ten, but he pushes upwards, threatening to dislocate my shoulders if I move.
He's my bodyguard, but sometimes I wonder if he spends more time guarding other bodies from me.
"I hate doctors. I hate everything about the medical profession. You're useless! Useless! Get the fuck out of my house!"
Wait. Did she...did she do something to Shuichi? Where's... Where is he? Did something happen to Shuichi? I can't remember. Why can't I remember anything after that phone call to Molly?
I relax a bit as the doctor grabs her bag and is ushered towards the door by Molly. Nonetheless, Ten doesn't release his hold until the door is closed and the doctor out of view.
"Where's...Shuichi? Is he hurt? Is he..."
Ten guides me back onto the couch as Molly takes her seat across from me. Her usually-smiling mouth draws into a tight line as she leans her the side of forehead on two outstretched fingers.
"Shindou-san is fine. The doctor gave him something to help him sleep. I think that is best for him now, Sakuma-san. You both need to calm down and get some rest. Seguchi-san called K, and K called me and told us everything. Seguchi-san's car... Sakuma-san, what were you -doing-? Across town without your bodyguard, without even telling anyone? No, nevermind, I don't want to know. But, Seguichi-san is advising Yuki-san to take out a restraining order against you and Shindou-san..."
I tune her out. It doesn't matter, at any rate. I can't see how anything matters. Tohma lied. Yuki Eiri lied. Shuichi is broken. I'm broken. And Tomi's dead. Everything shiny in this world has grown tarnished. Why sing? Why do...anything?
"Take these, Sakuma-san. You need sleep." Molly's hand is outstretched. Little blue sleeping pills. Does she really want to make sure I sleep? Or does she just want to make sure I'm not awake to damage myself or my surroundings?
That's what they wanted in the hospital. I wouldn't take the pills, though. I didn't want to sleep, because I didn't want to wake up to find Tomi wasn't at my side. So, they used needles.
And restraints.
I take the pills from Molly's hand and pop them in my mouth, swallowing. Like a hawk, she never takes her eyes from me.
"Show me your hands."
I show her that I haven't palmed the offending pills.
"Show me your mouth."
This too, I have to show. Just like a child. Like I can't be trusted in my own home. And, I suppose, I actually can't be trusted.
"Alright. We're going now. You go straight to bed, okay?"
I nod, and turn my head to look at Ten. He'd glaring at me like I'm some sort of wayward demon spawn.
Ten and Molly. Their contracts state that, should I become a danger to myself or others, they have the authority to remand me back into psychiatric care.
For my own good.
Tohma wrote that cause. All by his little weasely self.
"Yes," I mumble. "Bed."
Molly nods, forcing a small smile as she stands. "Don't worry, Sakuma-san. We'll get this all figured out tomorrow. Everything will look better in the morning. It always does, donchaknow."
My employees, who really have more control over my life than I have over theirs, make their way to the door and subsequently disappear back to their respective flats. I wait, counting to thirty in my head, just to be sure they are gone, before I stand up and head for the master bathroom.
I assure you, it isn't as hard to regurgitate pills as one might think. You just have to do it quickly, before they dissolve in your stomach.
I grip the sides of the toilet tightly as a day's worth of food returns. Bile mixed with popcorn and pizza is more foul than bile on it's own, I think. By the time I'm finished, my face is covered in sweat and drops of sick. As I stand and flush, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror.
There's a bandage on my forehead, right below the hairline. My left arm, from wrist to elbow, is wrapped in gauze. My face, pallid with dark circles under the eyes, stares back at me, strange and unfamiliar. There's blood on my shirt, and on my sleeve.
I look like the victim of some terrible crime.
No one would recognize me now, I think. I could go shopping in the busiest mall in Tokyo, and no one would suspect that I'm Sakuma Ryuichi, lead singer of Nittle Grasper.
I peel off my clothes as gingerly as possible.
I need a shower.
The water is warm, cleansing to both body and spirit. And yet, all I can think about is Shuichi. Shuichi curled into a ball in this same shower.
"It hurts so much, I want to die." That is what he said.
When the pain is too great, that is all you can think about. That is the only answer you can come up with. Death will stop the hurting.
I don't want Shuichi to die.
I don't...I can't watch someone I love leave me again.
Yes. That's it. I have to protect Shuichi now. Now more than before. Even if his mind becomes shattered like the guitar Tomi gave me. I have to protect Shuichi...
From himself.
I climb out of the shower and drape my robe around my shoulders. My penthouse looms dark and utterly quiet, as I pad down the hall and find the last door on the right.
Shuichi looks so peaceful now, sleeping in that oversized bed. Like he might be dreaming about Pocky or some exciting new lyrics. But, I know... I know what the truth is. He's dreaming about Yuki-san.
Just keep dreaming, Shuichi. Live out the happiness you wanted so desperately, if only for a few hours.
I sit down on the edge of the bed and stare at the glittering lights of the city of Tokyo through the balcony windows. Out there, on the streets, and in the buildings, people whisper words of love to one another without a thought that tomorrow might bring an end to happiness. Right now, lovers and their beloveds must be saying that one word to each other...that one word which they mean with the whole of their hearts.
Forever.
You sleep, Shuichi. You sleep and dream. And for now, I'll keep watch and hold back the dawn as long as I can. I'll help you pretend for as long as I can...
That 'forever' isn't a lie.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
At first, I didn't think much of it. Tomi caught colds at the drop of a hat. That autumn had been particularly dreary, with rain followed only by more rain.
I'd been working on the first Nittle Grasper CD. Long hours in the crappiest studio on the planet. But, I was happy, because I got to sing, because I had brilliant bandmates, and because I had Tomi. The only thing that could have made me happier was if Tomi's health hadn't been so bad.
I remember that day very clearly. Strange, I have a mind like a sieve, but I can remember -everything- about that day.
Though I was walking home through the rain at 10:00 in the evening, my mood couldn't have been better. I had that clear plastic umbrella, the one Tomi liked so much because you could look up through the panels and watch the rain falling. I was carrying a bag of assorted stuff from the convenience store down the street from our apartment. Toothpaste. Three oranges. A box of tea. Light-bulbs. And some cold medicine for Tomi.
I climbed the stairs quietly, hoping I wouldn't wake him, that he'd be asleep on the couch like always, an open book on his chest, his reading glasses crooked.
But, he wasn't. He was sitting on that ratty old couch, watching the television (Tomi never watched television), with a bottle of off-brand alcohol next to a half-emptied glass. (Tomi never drank.)
"Tomi?"
He smiled at me then. When I think about it now, it breaks my heart all over again. What he knew...what he was about to say...and he still smiled. He smiled just to ease my worries.
"Come sit by me, Ryu-chan, 'kay?"
I did as he asked, leaving the plastic bag on the table. The handle slowly wilted to one side like a time-lapse documentary of the life of a flower. I scooted next to him, waiting for him to lean over and smell my hair like he always did. I'd started using these fruit scented shampoos, just to keep him guessing. But, mostly I used the strawberry one, since it was his favorite.
But, instead of popping up and telling me which fruit my hair smelled like, Tomi just leaned his cheek against the crown of my head and wrapped his arms around me. He hugged me so tightly, it almost hurt. And he didn't let go.
"Ryuichi, I want you to know that I love you, okay? Now and forever. Forever and ever. Just like I promised..."
Right about then, I was really getting freaked out. The timbre of his voice made my heart feel as if it were being dropped from a bridge. "Tomi? Tomi, what's wrong?"
He pulled me even closer as he explained. It seemed like it took hours, but I know it was just a few sentences. He said that he went back in to the doctor's office. They had his test results. And then Tomi said a word which horrified me beyond any word I'd ever heard.
Leukemia.
I didn't even know what it -was-, but I'd watched enough television to know that it was very, very, very bad.
Now, now I know quite a bit about leukemia. How this malignant cancer of blood-forming tissues slowly eats away at a person. I know the difference between acute leukemia and chronic myelogenous leukemia. I know treatments and cutting-edge research. Pretty much everything there is to know about leukemia, I know.
I hate studying, but I devoured every single piece of information I could get my hands on about the disease...
The disease which was killing Tomi.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
One year later, Tomi couldn't live at home anymore. I'd taken care of him as best I could, but with his medicine and doctor's bills so high, I also had to spend a lot of time working. I hated it, I hated him being in that hospital, instead of at home. But, it got to where Tomi couldn't really move around without my help. He was so weak. Because of the medicines and treatments, all his weird puppet-hair had fallen out. He looked like a skeleton. It hurt my heart to look at him.
But, I did my best not to cry, or to let him know how scared I was...for both our sakes. Any little happy thing I could think of, I did. Sing him songs, or read him those stupid children's books he always liked. Since we couldn't go for walks in the park anymore, I took pictures of the autumn leaves and had them blown up really big to put in his room.
Those last weeks, I didn't even go home anymore. Tomi's parents had always been so kind to me, and they lied to the hospital for my sake, telling them that I was Tomi's brother so they'd let me stay in the room. He was so sick. Sometimes, he could barely even curl his fingers around mine when I held his hand.
And those damn doctors, they couldn't do anything. Just -nothing-. Nothing but make him sleep more.
He'd had a good morning that day. He couldn't really eat anymore, and was being fed through a tube, but I could give him little crushed bits of popsicles. Popsicle breakfast that day was orange and cherry. Tomi said that he wished popsicles came in strawberry, because it would be like eating my hair. I made a resolution, right then, to find strawberry popsicles if any existed on the planet Earth.
I was telling him something, about some band or something. Just jabbering away. Just trying to keep his mind occupied.
"Ryuichi..."
"Yup?" I kneeled down close to his bed and pressed my face against his hand. "Whatcha need, Tomi?"
"I always suspected I might just be an ordinary man, living an ordinary life. And then, I met you. And I realized I was still an ordinary man, but with an extraordinary love for an extraordinary man."
"Oh Tomi," I said, rubbing my cheek on his fingers, "You're so wonderful to me. I love you so much. I'd do anything for you, you know?"
"Yes, I know." he replied, closing his eyes. Even light conversation wore him out. "Will you sing for me, Ryuichi?"
"Of course, na no da."
And so I did. I sang "Be There". And when I got to the part...
"If you consider me...to be your burden...I will say 'so long' anytime. But, I only hope that, you'll be there, anytime..."
Tomi squeezed my hand.
If I had known he was saying goodbye, I would have told him I loved him a thousand more times, just to make sure he understood. If I had known it was the end I would have at least...at least...
Sang a happier song.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I wake up in a strange room as my head strikes something hard. But, the pain in my head pales in comparison to the gnawing panic rising in my stomach. I spasm and curl into a ball, automatically defending against the sudden thought that I might be dying.
Roughness against my cheek. Carpet.
Where am I? Where am I? It's dark but...if I open my eyes I can see a balcony, and lights beyond. There's a city here. Is this Tokyo? This must be Tokyo, but I don't recognize this view.
I hear my own breath, gasping. Gasping for air. Am I drowning? Something is terribly, terribly wrong. Something is missing.
"Tomi?"
I feel around in the dark, trying to find any clue at all. Anything familiar. Anything to let me know that I haven't woken up in someone else's skin.
"Tomi? Where are you?"
My hand smacks against something hard. I feel it like a blind man, as I use my other arm to drag myself across the carpet. For some reason, my arm hurts.
"TOMI! TOMI! I can't find you! I can't find Kumagoro!!"
It's wooden. It's a nightstand. There's a bed next to it. This isn't my bed, but...maybe...maybe we're in a hotel or something.
"Tomi! Are you..."
Something as light as a butterfly's kiss strokes the back of my hand. Warm flesh curls slowly around my wrist, tapered fingers that cause me to become still. There's no reason to panic. I'm not lost. Tomi is still here.
"Ryuichi...you were...screaming."
That voice is so soft, tired. But even that simple whispered phrase sets my heart at ease.
"Tomi, I'm sorry. I had a nightmare. I thought you died."
"Ryuichi, it's me. It's Shu...." The voice halts suddenly. I hear the figure in the bed change positions, "It's alright now. Nothing happened. You just fell out of bed."
"I can't find Kumagoro, Tomi."
"You dropped him at..." There's a gentle tug on my wrist. "You dropped him. But, he's fine for now. Come sleep, okay?"
I climb up onto the bed, favoring my right arm, since my left one hurts. I must have bumped it when I fell off the bed. I seem to be wearing a nice fluffy bath robe. I wonder why. I don't usually sleep with any clothes. Well, I'll remember in the morning, I'm sure.
I slip under the covers. It's already warm here. Tomi must have been sleeping in this spot. He probably kept scooting closer and closer to me until I rolled off the bed. Ha! Silly, Ryu-chan. Silly Tomi. We'll have a good laugh about this in the morning.
Rolling over, I snake my arm out across Tomi's chest, pulling myself closer to his side. I can feel his hip bone against my thigh. Tomi makes a surprised noise as I bring my knee up and drape my legs over his.
"Did I hurt you, Tomi?" I whisper in his ear.
"No, um...it's...it's okay." Tomi's hand caresses my upper arm, rhythmically drawing me away from all worries.
Hmmm. I'm so sleepy, all of a sudden. My heavy eyelids are dragging me back towards Neverland.
"Okay, goodnight, Tomi. Oh. Let's have pancakes tomorrow. With whipped cream...and sprinkles...and cherries...and..."
As I lose consciousness, I'm struck with one last realization.
Tomi must be using my shampoo.
His hair smells distinctly like strawberries.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Our Next Chapters: The second confrontation. Kumagoro is missing, what does this mean for Ryuichi? What happens in the morning when Ryuichi wakes up to find...he's sleeping with Shuichi? What of Tohma and Yuki? Does Yuki really still love Shuichi? The web of lies and deceit unravels all the more. I hope you will stay tuned!
***Author Notes:
Well, a lot of people already guessed what Ryuichi and Shuichi saw that caused Ryuichi to go a bit psycho. But, is there more to it?
Ryuichi is much more psychotic in this chapter, but I hope it isn't -too- overdone. Well, maybe a smidgen overdone. Not a very happy chapter, I'm afraid. I used a bit of Kleenex writing it.
Some people have asked me, (in regards to this story, and another of my stories "Sundial") if I have had experience in being insane. I'm not exactly sure what to say to that. I think everyone harbors some psychosis to some degree, maybe some more than others. But, personally, except for some rough bits in my late teens and early twenties, I'm pretty well adjusted. Or, I like to think so, anyway. I have had numerous troubled friends, though. Then again, don't we all have a few friends like that?
I'm sorry that this chapter took a bit longer than the previous three. I spent last weekend at a convention, and didn't get as much writing time in. PLus, the two times I attempted to post this, ff.net was down.
***Review Notes:
As always, a million and one thank-yous to everyone who reviewed. I've really been quite surprised at the response to this story, and I hope it continues to grow. So, extra doubleplus syrupy thank yous to:
kitty-nickle (Glad you are enjoying the story!), Kit-Nyah (Not too angsty this time, I hope?), Hotaru007 (Thanks for reading!), Catastrophe (Woowoo, all tied up!), Rabid Bat (Lima beans? ICK! Wink.), Sani (Thanks for reading!), anon, Ranger (The ending should be somewhat happy, I hope), Burned Vamp (Cough, cough? Heheh. I hope it isn't -that- bad.), The Demonic Duo (Woohoo, Hooray for obsessions!), pinksakuya (Hehehe. Attack-mode-Ryuichi. That's funny. He does need to be on someone's leash sometimes.), Aibyouka (Was your theory correct? Don't bounce too long, you'll put a hole in the floor!), CassiToTheStars (Glad you are enjoying the story!), Bisexual Pygmy (Hahaha. At least I didn't make him wear a dress this chapter, eh?), kitty-nickle (Thank you so much for your kind words!), hopemia (That Tohma does need a punch every now and then, doesn't he?),
Yma: I know exactly what you mean about parents splitting up and then talking like you can't hear them. I've been thought that several times, and it is certainly no fun. Thanks for stopping by my site, btw. Hehehe. No one really ever does, I think. And, thanks again for all your kind words, I hope the story continues to amuse you. :D
Lasaire: The dressing room could have been a lot steamier, too. But, then I don't think they'd let me show this story on ff.net anymore. Chuckle. I agree with you about Tohma being a -total- mystery. You just never know what he is really thinking. Ever. Ryuichi is, indeed, very intense. I hope more of that leaks out over the course of the story. I just don't think there have been many opportunities for that quiet intensity to poor out, yet.
Veleda: Poor Ryuichi, eh? He never seems to get a break when it comes to love. And I never thought, in the anime or manga, that Shuichi was very attractive. But, I think with a few years and a bit of maturity (like in this story), he'd be very much so. Well, I am glad you are enjoying the story. :D
Fire Dragon of Darkness: I am glad you are enjoying the characterization of Ryuichi. He's a bit different in this chapter, but I hope it is an understandable sort of different.
noali: I hope you aren't -too- disappointed. Anyway, either in the next chapter, or the one after, it will be revealed -why- Yuki would do such a horrible thing. There is actually a reason. I think the ending is happy, but others may find it sad, I'm not sure.
hidesfaerie: That Tohma can be crafty, can't he? I say we all get our baseball bats and go smash his car together!
xpyne!: What's up with the skirts? Hmmm, I don't know. I guess I just like a man in a skirt. It's so very lovely, no? Your school dance sounds quite delicious. I hope you had fun!
Wakaba-sama: Ice cream is, indeed, good. Unfortunately, I am lactose intolerant. Sigh. Wanting ice cream, but never being about to have it without consequences. :( Anyway, hooray for secret naked photos!
kohana-chan: Ack! What a scary comment. I think my heart skipped a beat before I got to the "just kidding"!
Twylise: I'm glad you don't find the "Tomi" backstory to be -too- distracting. Original characters can be such a put-off, I know. Anyway, yeah, I dislike stories that make Yuki hate Shuichi for no reason. And, I swear, the reasons for all of Yuki's actions will be revealed in the next few chapters. Thanks again for reading.
I'm sorry if I missed any thank-yous. My computer is being a bit wonky at the moment. Please know that your reviews are highly cherished. :D
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Chapter Four: The Brightest Star
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Shuichi and I decide to take a taxi, due to the fact that there is absolutely no way that Ten will drive us to Yuki Eiri's place.
We ride through the city, streets still bustling with nightlife. Inside the taxi, we can't hear the voices of the people, the sounds of both revelry and work in a city that refuses to sleep. All we can hear is the blast of cold coming from the air conditioner and the intermittent squawk of the driver's two-way radio.
"You sure about this, Shu-chan?"
Shuichi's temple is against the window as he gazes at the road ahead. "Not really, no. But, I think it needs to be done."
Kumagoro is clinging to my hand. He's as worried as I am. We made a promise to Tohma. But, this isn't really a -confrontation-, is it? This is just a -conversation-. Two completely different things. Right, Kumagoro?
Right.
In a way, however, I think Shuichi is correct. This needs to be done. Yuki Eiri loves him, and this must have been some sort of massive misunderstanding. They are always fighting, those two, and maybe, just this once, things got out of hand on Yuki-san's end.
Just because you fight...it doesn't mean the love is gone. Some of the healthiest relationships I've ever seen require both parties to let off steam whenever possible.
Even Tomi and I fought a few times. It was hard to fight with Tomi, though. When he was upset, he would just act happier and happier until that plastic smile never left his face. Then, finally, he'd break down like the last block pulled from a Jenga puzzle causing it to collapse. You never knew what it would be that would set him off. Once, everything seemed normal and fine while we were shopping, and the next thing I knew, Tomi was sobbing pitifully over a torn bag of macaroni noodles. Another time we were sitting in a cheerful outdoor cafe, and then in a snap, Tomi was blubbering about the fact that our table didn't have any sugar packets.
Anyway, fighting doesn't necessarily imply hate. Often, it seems to be more about needs not being met or various forms of miscommunication.
I try to glance at Shuichi without being obvious. His dull green windbreaker and faded baseball cap do nothing to hide his identity. Nothing can hide Shuichi, I fear. Dress him up however you like, cover him in leaves and tar, and he's still a shining meteorite on a collision course with destiny.
Every few seconds, his lips move, almost imperceptibly. I can see that he's practicing, trying out conversations with Yuki-san in his head.
"Just say what you feel, Shuichi," I sound so certain, so in charge of the situation. Shuichi's head turns and he's looking at me now as if I've said something remarkable. And even though we're whipping through the city in a taxi, I feel oddly still. It is a stillness I attempt to impart to Shuichi. "It will come to you when you see him. That which is heartfelt, when shared between two in love, can not help but be a balm to all wounds."
Shuichi's eyebrows lift, as if surprised. His glossy lips part ever so minutely. He stutters out a syllable that sounds a lot like "Oh", but before he can say any more, Kumagoro jumps up on top of Shuichi's head.
"Kuma-chan thinks so too, na no da!"
Yuki Eiri lives in a very fine flat in a quiet part of town. I've been there several times to see Shuichi. But, I try not to go there -too- much, because Tohma says Yuki-san needs his quiet for writing. I tried to read one of Yuki-san's books once, because I wanted to know more about the person that my friend Shuichi loves. It didn't have any pictures and used a lot of flowery language, so I really didn't get very far. It was about this mute girl who was in love with a singer, I think. One day she got her voice back, but she continued to pretend to be mute. She thought that if he heard her voice, he'd realize how plain it was compared to his own.
Or something like that. Very tragic.
Anyway, when we arrived, I gave Shuichi the biggest smile I could muster. It was sincere, too. Because I had a great hope that this meeting would mend the relationship of two people who were very much in love.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I remember Uesugi Eiri.
Sort of.
Tohma always had a lot of friends, as I've mentioned. But, somehow, Uesugi Eiri and his sister Mika received more attention than most.
It was the same horridly hot summer that I met Tomi when Tohma's entire family went to visit relatives in New York. The American Seguchis were acquainted with the American Uesugis, I suppose. And, from there, Tohma met Eiri and Mika.
When he returned to Japan, our friendship picked up exactly where it left off. It didn't seem to matter to Tohma that I was dating Tomi, nor did it really matter to me that Tohma was dating Mika-san. When we were together, playing in his basement, that sort of stuff took backseat to the music.
Nonetheless, it never seemed to me that Tohma was made any more or less happy by his relationship with Mika-san. Not unhappy...but...
When Tomi walked into a room, I couldn't help but smile this ridiculously huge goofy grin.
When Mika walked into a room, Tohma just smirked. Then again, Tohma has his own ways of doing things, of expressing himself. He's brilliant, you see. Tohma has always been two steps ahead of everyone else, and three steps ahead of me. He's a great keyboardist, but he's extraordinary at making deals and manipulating an image. With any other person, Nittle Grasper would have been just another great, but struggling, band.
Anyway, Tohma seemed to be pursuing Mika-san quite vigorously. Don't get me wrong, he was a perfect gentleman, as always. (Alright, he isn't -always- a perfect gentleman. You should see what he did to this one club owner who stiffed us our pay. Geez. Seguchi Tohma has a -killer- backhand. Never play him at tennis or racquetball. Seriously.)
The first time I saw Uesugi Eiri, he was sitting on the porch in front of Mika-san's house, scribbling in a -blue- notebook, looking dark and mysterious.
The second time I saw Uesugi Eiri, he was sitting on the porch in front of Mika-san's house, scribbling in a -green- notebook, looking dark and mysterious.
The third time...
Well, you get the idea. All I really knew about him was that he went through a lot of notebooks.
I can't say I ever did get to know him very well. But, Tohma seemed to like him well enough. He'd invite Eiri-chan along with us when we all went on double-dates, which was rare, but did happen on occasion.
Yes. Tohma really liked Uesugi Eiri. I always suspected it was because they had so much in common. Blonde hair, half-American heritages, brains than never stopped trying to break down the world. Chop it into blocks they could use to rebuild it in their own images.
Eiri did it with writing. Tohma constructed NG.
Well, after Eiri started writing full time, I didn't see him around much anymore. I can't say I missed him much.
People who don't ever laugh give me the willies.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"You ready, Shu-chan?"
Shuichi and I climbed out of the car. The night air had turned colder somewhere between my house and Yuki-san's. I paid the cab fare and we headed for the door.
Shuichi stumbled a bit on some gravel, and I steadied him with my hand on his shoulder. I felt very big brotherly, right then, taking my friend to be reconciled with his lover, helping him to find his happiness once again, making sure he didn't fall down. Except, well, I was attracted to the guy towards which I was being brotherly, so I suppose that isn't actually a good way to look at it.
Shuichi and I climbed the stairs to Yuki-san's apartment. The lights in the stairwell and in the hallway caused our shadows to dance clockwise around our feet as we passed, circling us like apparitions of vultures in the desert. Shuichi sighed once, twice, shivered a bit underneath his light windbreaker, but never hesitated in his step. By the time he was fishing for his keys in his pocket, his eyes were shining more brightly than I could ever remember even seeing on stage.
I could almost hear his thoughts. "I'm going to make this work. I'm going to show him that nothing he has done will make me love him less, that he can't drive me away so easily."
It was quiet there, in that hallway, but we could hear the sound of the television from just beyond Yuki-san's door. I recognized the announcer's voice, and immediately knew the program. "Pop Week", which is half a video show and half a news show about music. Kuma-chan and I watch it whenever we can to see if anyone we know is on TV.
Shuichi puts down the bag he was carrying and unlocks the door. He bends back down to pick up the bag as I turn the knob and push.
The blue glow of the TV hits my face as the door swings open. The sound of Pop Week. The acrid smell of lemon cleaner. And, the sight that grabs my heart and tears it from my chest.
Yuki Eiri, on the couch, draped over Seguchi Tohma's lap.
Yuki-san's head rests on Tohma's legs. Yuki-san's torso, shirtless and sweaty, lays against a backdrop of Tohma's lithe and naked chest. Tohma, smiling so serenely, hands entwined in the blonde hair, strokes it with what seems to be utter glee. Yuki-san's eyes are closed in blissful rest. A blanket pulled up to Yuki-san's waist affords him some decency, but Tohma is in nothing but his boxer shorts.
Tohma.
And Yuki-san.
Tohma. My Tohma. My best friend. The one person I trusted to never...to always be...
I am so stunned, I momentarily forget about Shuichi. By the time I return to my senses, Shuichi has already retrieved his bag and made his way around the door.
It is too late. He sees...what I see.
"Don't look, Shuichi!" Because every second you look will be another nail into your heart. Don't look. This isn't it. This is a dream. This isn't happening to you. You are asleep at my penthouse and in a moment we're going to wake up and drink sodas. Don't look. "Don't look!"
"Yuki?" Shuichi teeters forward as his bag drops from his hands. His voice is just like a child's, just like a little kid who has suddenly realized for the first time that adults lie. "Yuki?"
Yuki Eiri opens his eyes, piercing amber eyes which remind me of some deadly savage beast. After some searching, his gaze locks on Shuichi. Deep and weary, Yuki-san's voice asks, "Brat?"
"Yuki...why? Yuki, why would you...?" I feel Shuichi falling. He crumples as easily as a folding fan, landing on his knees. Kumagoro mimics the motion, and lands face-down next to Shuichi's feet.
I guess he didn't want to look, either.
Yuki-san pushes himself up on one arm, slowly, exhaustedly. He looks from Shuichi, to me, to Tohma and back to Shuichi. "Brat, this isn't..."
"This isn't any of your business," Tohma says, completing the thought. The whole time, the entire time, his gaze had remained fixed on mine. He can't...no...he won't look at Shuichi. "He never loved you, Shindou-san. You were just a passing interest. A toy. And you've grown worn out and boring. You aren't needed here anymore. So leave."
His voice. Just like honey. As sweet and sticky-slick as honey.
Tohma's voice. My words. My insensitive words to Yukiro making Shuichi gasp for air. My words tearing sobs from Shuichi's throat.
"Isn't that right, Eiri? Shuichi should leave?"
"Yeah, Brat," Yuki-san echoes rather dejectedly, falling back onto Tohma's lap. "You should leave."
Tohma smiling sweetly and triumphantly.
Yuki-san's lips snapping closed, his gaze turning liquidly towards the television.
Shuichi shaking. Shuichi...trying to cry out, to say something. Anything. But, no sound comes out. His pink and blue hair thrown back, his mouth wide. Bony hands come up to cover his face as he gives up and slumps over, sobbing.
Shuichi hurting.
I step in front of him. I don't want him to look anymore. Shuichi's head rests against the back of my calves.
Furious. So...furious... Furious that Tohma would do this. Incomprehensible anger that he would use my words to hurt Shuichi. White hot rage at Yuki Eiri's lies.
"This is twisted, Tohma. You're sick. You're both sick and disturbed."
Tohma sighs deeply and leans back against the couch, languidly stretching his arms out over the tops of cushions. "You would know about twisted, sick, and disturbed, wouldn't you, Ryuichi?"
"I never..." I feel my teeth grinding.
"Never broke anyone's heart? I beg to differ. I'd name them all, but we'd be here all night, wouldn't we? After Tomi, you just couldn't..."
"You shut up! Don't you -dare- say Tomi's name. Don't you DARE let his name cross your lips..."
Something in Tohma's eyes frightens me. He looks down at Yuki-san for a long time before responding. "Your broken little mind, Ryuichi... Your poor broken mind. Tell me, do you still call for him in your sleep? Do you still hide his things away from the world, protecting them in the hopes that you can save something...something of your love? You do, don't you? You mourn every single day. You mourn so completely that the pain consumes you..."
"FUCK YOU!" Now, I'm shaking. I'm shaking so badly that I have to hold on to the door frame to remain standing.
"You can't understand this, Ryuichi." Tohma's voice is so quiet now, almost tender. "It's complicated."
"It's not complicated. You're sleeping with your wife's brother!"
Resignedly, Tohma reaches over and pulls the blanket on Yuki-san's legs, covering the other man's torso. "I told you not to come here, Ryuichi. You shouldn't have come here. So, please, just take Shuichi and go."
"Aren't you going to say anything to him, Yuki-san? Apologize to him! Say something, you bastard!"
Yuki Eiri's eyes never leave the television. His voice, hollow and drained, replies after what seems like forever. "No. Just go."
And then I'm lifting Shuichi off the ground. I'm pulling him away, dragging him through the hallway, cursing the names of Seguchi Tohma and Yuki Eiri at the top of my lungs. Shuichi can barely see with his hair plastered to his face from tears, and the constant gasps of air to fuel his heavy sobs cause him to wobble worse than a drunk man.
Somehow, we end up on the street. Shuichi collapses on the curb.
And, I spot Tohma's car.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I can't really remember anything between the time I began to smash Tohma's car, and the time I heard police sirens.
Hearing them, however, shook me from my enraged stupor enough to drop the tire iron and stumble backwards.
It didn't look like much of a car anymore.
I fall against the steps, bumping into Shuichi in the process. He cries out softly, a pitiful little wail caused not so much by physical pain as from being knocked from his blank stupor and rhythmic sobbing.
"Shuichi, we have to go. The police..."
He doesn't move. I don't think he even sees me standing here.
Probably the most reasonable thing I've done all evening is to pull Shuichi up, drape his arms over my shoulders, and lift him onto my back. I'm not exactly the strongest or biggest guy in the world, but somehow I find just enough strength to carry Shuichi down the road.
I look back, just once, over my left shoulder (since Shuichi's head was resting on my right), and you know...
I swear I see Yuki Eiri looking through the curtains at us. Just for a second. I swear I do.
But...I...
Everything is so confusing at the moment. My head pounds, my vision swims. Shuichi's body against my back, heavy and shivering, causes only more disorientation within my soul. His panting breath against my ear as he slips from agony to numbness somehow conjures visions of Tomi.
Tomi and I in bed together, in blissful exaltation of our love. Moaning, panting, trying to become one again.
Tomi in his hospital bed...panting...in so much pain...so much pain...
I'm holding his hand. I'm singing softly, singing his favorite songs, but..
Nothing I could do would ever take the pain away. And for Shuichi...
I've failed Shuichi, too.
I duck into some alleyway, wandering aimlessly away from the scene of the crime I've just committed. I'm not overly worried about it. What's Tohma going to do? Press charges? Try to put his own band member and biggest money maker in jail? It would be like stealing from himself. And I know now that Tohma only steals from others.
"You're bleeding...Ryuichi," Shuichi manages between choked breaths.
"Huh?" Oh. Right. I forgot about that. When I smashed the windshields, I think some of the glass flew out and cut me. "Yeah, it's okay."
I can't feel it, anyway.
"Do you have your phone, Shuichi?"
"I think...in my...pocket..."
We emerge on some random suburban street, well lit by the golden glow of street lights. Nicely trimmed yards and spotless driveways sporting luxury cars line the block. Unable to walk any further carrying Shuichi on my back, I sit down on the curb near a pair of tin trash cans.
Shuichi remains leaning against my back, his face pressed into the apex of my spine. Somehow, I manage to get his phone from his pocket and dial.
It rings only once, and is picked up.
Molly's worried voice hits my ear. "Sakuma-san? Please say that is you..."
"Yeah."
"Where are you? Everyone is looking for you and Shindou-san! K just called and said that Seguchi-san..."
"Molly...get Ten...the car...please, quickly..." Very quickly. I'm feeling very dizzy. I don't know how much longer I can hold together. If you even call this holding together, which I am not sure that you can.
"Alright. Alright. We'll be right there."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"Shuichi?"
My friend answered by pressing his face more firmly into my back. His legs remained curled around my waist, his hands balled into fists resting on my shoulder blades. I reached down and touched his knee, his left knee, just to make sure he was real, that I had really brought him here. When I removed my hand, a half-palm print of sticky blood remained.
Around me, the landscape warped and wobbled, like looking up a street through searing hot steam on a summer day. Nothing would remain stationary. My mind felt similar. Within my head, a thousand visions flashed, a post-holiday slideshow of the more horrific sections of my existence. Who was I? Who was I really?
Before I met Tomi, I was just floating. I was a plain egg in boiling water, waiting for the timer. Who am I now? Am I cruel? Am I really so cruel? Do I make them love me and then toss it aside for brighter and newer obsessions?
(Scrambled egg. I must be a scrambled egg.)
Is it because of me...because Shuichi wanted to be like me...that he's being hurt?
I just don't want you to see me, Tomi. I don't want you to see how I turned out. What an awful mess I've made of things without you. So, sometimes, I pretend to be someone else altogether. Someone you might like.
Still. Even now...
Every time...
Every time I sing, I look for your face in the crowd.
The sky is beautiful. Look at all the stars tonight. We could count them, if you wanted. We can spend all night counting them, and thinking of nothing but the sky and our insignificance as compared to the expanse of the Universe. And you can tell me all the stories you made up about the constellations.
Look, Tomi, the sky is moving! It's dancing! It's dancing just for us. I bet I can...
"R...Ryuichi?"
I bet I can reach up and grab...that one. That bright one there. The shiniest star in the entire sky. Just for you.
"Ryuichi? Are you alright?"
Hm? When did you do your hair like that, Tomi? It suits you, though. The pink really sets off your eyes. Makes them all glittery, na no da. Aw, don't look so frightened. I don't know where we are right now, but certainly it can't be that bad. 'Cause we're here together...right?
"Ryuichi! Stay awake! Stay awake! Please!"
Is this a game, Tomi? Must be a new one. I don't remember...I can't remember...
Oh, Tomi? Have you seen Kumagoro lately?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"You lost a lot of blood, I guess. Running speeds up the heart rate. That's why you're supposed to remain still, Sakuma-san."
Who is this woman, and why is she talking to me?
"Twelve stitches in your left arm. That's a new record for you."
She's got blonde hair up in a bun and she's putting away stuff into a black bag. She's dressed pretty plainly, so... I don't think she's in a band. Maybe she's one of Tohma's friends. They're always talking to me like they I know who they are. Tohma's friends are usually so...
Tohma's friends.
Tohma.
I jolt upwards, causing the woman poking at my arm to stumble backwards. Her calves hit the coffee table, and she ends up spilling a neat pile of 'Music Splash!' magazines as her rump hits the thick (and thankfully sturdy) glass.
This is my penthouse. How did we get here? And...
"WHO IS THIS PERSON?"
"Sakuma-san," Molly says quietly from the couch opposite mine, "This is Ijima-sensei, remember? Your doctor?"
Before I can lunge at the shocked doctor's neck, Ten is somehow behind me, his arms locked under mine, restraining my movement.
"I. Hate. Doctors." I try to wiggle away from Ten, but he pushes upwards, threatening to dislocate my shoulders if I move.
He's my bodyguard, but sometimes I wonder if he spends more time guarding other bodies from me.
"I hate doctors. I hate everything about the medical profession. You're useless! Useless! Get the fuck out of my house!"
Wait. Did she...did she do something to Shuichi? Where's... Where is he? Did something happen to Shuichi? I can't remember. Why can't I remember anything after that phone call to Molly?
I relax a bit as the doctor grabs her bag and is ushered towards the door by Molly. Nonetheless, Ten doesn't release his hold until the door is closed and the doctor out of view.
"Where's...Shuichi? Is he hurt? Is he..."
Ten guides me back onto the couch as Molly takes her seat across from me. Her usually-smiling mouth draws into a tight line as she leans her the side of forehead on two outstretched fingers.
"Shindou-san is fine. The doctor gave him something to help him sleep. I think that is best for him now, Sakuma-san. You both need to calm down and get some rest. Seguchi-san called K, and K called me and told us everything. Seguchi-san's car... Sakuma-san, what were you -doing-? Across town without your bodyguard, without even telling anyone? No, nevermind, I don't want to know. But, Seguichi-san is advising Yuki-san to take out a restraining order against you and Shindou-san..."
I tune her out. It doesn't matter, at any rate. I can't see how anything matters. Tohma lied. Yuki Eiri lied. Shuichi is broken. I'm broken. And Tomi's dead. Everything shiny in this world has grown tarnished. Why sing? Why do...anything?
"Take these, Sakuma-san. You need sleep." Molly's hand is outstretched. Little blue sleeping pills. Does she really want to make sure I sleep? Or does she just want to make sure I'm not awake to damage myself or my surroundings?
That's what they wanted in the hospital. I wouldn't take the pills, though. I didn't want to sleep, because I didn't want to wake up to find Tomi wasn't at my side. So, they used needles.
And restraints.
I take the pills from Molly's hand and pop them in my mouth, swallowing. Like a hawk, she never takes her eyes from me.
"Show me your hands."
I show her that I haven't palmed the offending pills.
"Show me your mouth."
This too, I have to show. Just like a child. Like I can't be trusted in my own home. And, I suppose, I actually can't be trusted.
"Alright. We're going now. You go straight to bed, okay?"
I nod, and turn my head to look at Ten. He'd glaring at me like I'm some sort of wayward demon spawn.
Ten and Molly. Their contracts state that, should I become a danger to myself or others, they have the authority to remand me back into psychiatric care.
For my own good.
Tohma wrote that cause. All by his little weasely self.
"Yes," I mumble. "Bed."
Molly nods, forcing a small smile as she stands. "Don't worry, Sakuma-san. We'll get this all figured out tomorrow. Everything will look better in the morning. It always does, donchaknow."
My employees, who really have more control over my life than I have over theirs, make their way to the door and subsequently disappear back to their respective flats. I wait, counting to thirty in my head, just to be sure they are gone, before I stand up and head for the master bathroom.
I assure you, it isn't as hard to regurgitate pills as one might think. You just have to do it quickly, before they dissolve in your stomach.
I grip the sides of the toilet tightly as a day's worth of food returns. Bile mixed with popcorn and pizza is more foul than bile on it's own, I think. By the time I'm finished, my face is covered in sweat and drops of sick. As I stand and flush, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror.
There's a bandage on my forehead, right below the hairline. My left arm, from wrist to elbow, is wrapped in gauze. My face, pallid with dark circles under the eyes, stares back at me, strange and unfamiliar. There's blood on my shirt, and on my sleeve.
I look like the victim of some terrible crime.
No one would recognize me now, I think. I could go shopping in the busiest mall in Tokyo, and no one would suspect that I'm Sakuma Ryuichi, lead singer of Nittle Grasper.
I peel off my clothes as gingerly as possible.
I need a shower.
The water is warm, cleansing to both body and spirit. And yet, all I can think about is Shuichi. Shuichi curled into a ball in this same shower.
"It hurts so much, I want to die." That is what he said.
When the pain is too great, that is all you can think about. That is the only answer you can come up with. Death will stop the hurting.
I don't want Shuichi to die.
I don't...I can't watch someone I love leave me again.
Yes. That's it. I have to protect Shuichi now. Now more than before. Even if his mind becomes shattered like the guitar Tomi gave me. I have to protect Shuichi...
From himself.
I climb out of the shower and drape my robe around my shoulders. My penthouse looms dark and utterly quiet, as I pad down the hall and find the last door on the right.
Shuichi looks so peaceful now, sleeping in that oversized bed. Like he might be dreaming about Pocky or some exciting new lyrics. But, I know... I know what the truth is. He's dreaming about Yuki-san.
Just keep dreaming, Shuichi. Live out the happiness you wanted so desperately, if only for a few hours.
I sit down on the edge of the bed and stare at the glittering lights of the city of Tokyo through the balcony windows. Out there, on the streets, and in the buildings, people whisper words of love to one another without a thought that tomorrow might bring an end to happiness. Right now, lovers and their beloveds must be saying that one word to each other...that one word which they mean with the whole of their hearts.
Forever.
You sleep, Shuichi. You sleep and dream. And for now, I'll keep watch and hold back the dawn as long as I can. I'll help you pretend for as long as I can...
That 'forever' isn't a lie.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
At first, I didn't think much of it. Tomi caught colds at the drop of a hat. That autumn had been particularly dreary, with rain followed only by more rain.
I'd been working on the first Nittle Grasper CD. Long hours in the crappiest studio on the planet. But, I was happy, because I got to sing, because I had brilliant bandmates, and because I had Tomi. The only thing that could have made me happier was if Tomi's health hadn't been so bad.
I remember that day very clearly. Strange, I have a mind like a sieve, but I can remember -everything- about that day.
Though I was walking home through the rain at 10:00 in the evening, my mood couldn't have been better. I had that clear plastic umbrella, the one Tomi liked so much because you could look up through the panels and watch the rain falling. I was carrying a bag of assorted stuff from the convenience store down the street from our apartment. Toothpaste. Three oranges. A box of tea. Light-bulbs. And some cold medicine for Tomi.
I climbed the stairs quietly, hoping I wouldn't wake him, that he'd be asleep on the couch like always, an open book on his chest, his reading glasses crooked.
But, he wasn't. He was sitting on that ratty old couch, watching the television (Tomi never watched television), with a bottle of off-brand alcohol next to a half-emptied glass. (Tomi never drank.)
"Tomi?"
He smiled at me then. When I think about it now, it breaks my heart all over again. What he knew...what he was about to say...and he still smiled. He smiled just to ease my worries.
"Come sit by me, Ryu-chan, 'kay?"
I did as he asked, leaving the plastic bag on the table. The handle slowly wilted to one side like a time-lapse documentary of the life of a flower. I scooted next to him, waiting for him to lean over and smell my hair like he always did. I'd started using these fruit scented shampoos, just to keep him guessing. But, mostly I used the strawberry one, since it was his favorite.
But, instead of popping up and telling me which fruit my hair smelled like, Tomi just leaned his cheek against the crown of my head and wrapped his arms around me. He hugged me so tightly, it almost hurt. And he didn't let go.
"Ryuichi, I want you to know that I love you, okay? Now and forever. Forever and ever. Just like I promised..."
Right about then, I was really getting freaked out. The timbre of his voice made my heart feel as if it were being dropped from a bridge. "Tomi? Tomi, what's wrong?"
He pulled me even closer as he explained. It seemed like it took hours, but I know it was just a few sentences. He said that he went back in to the doctor's office. They had his test results. And then Tomi said a word which horrified me beyond any word I'd ever heard.
Leukemia.
I didn't even know what it -was-, but I'd watched enough television to know that it was very, very, very bad.
Now, now I know quite a bit about leukemia. How this malignant cancer of blood-forming tissues slowly eats away at a person. I know the difference between acute leukemia and chronic myelogenous leukemia. I know treatments and cutting-edge research. Pretty much everything there is to know about leukemia, I know.
I hate studying, but I devoured every single piece of information I could get my hands on about the disease...
The disease which was killing Tomi.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
One year later, Tomi couldn't live at home anymore. I'd taken care of him as best I could, but with his medicine and doctor's bills so high, I also had to spend a lot of time working. I hated it, I hated him being in that hospital, instead of at home. But, it got to where Tomi couldn't really move around without my help. He was so weak. Because of the medicines and treatments, all his weird puppet-hair had fallen out. He looked like a skeleton. It hurt my heart to look at him.
But, I did my best not to cry, or to let him know how scared I was...for both our sakes. Any little happy thing I could think of, I did. Sing him songs, or read him those stupid children's books he always liked. Since we couldn't go for walks in the park anymore, I took pictures of the autumn leaves and had them blown up really big to put in his room.
Those last weeks, I didn't even go home anymore. Tomi's parents had always been so kind to me, and they lied to the hospital for my sake, telling them that I was Tomi's brother so they'd let me stay in the room. He was so sick. Sometimes, he could barely even curl his fingers around mine when I held his hand.
And those damn doctors, they couldn't do anything. Just -nothing-. Nothing but make him sleep more.
He'd had a good morning that day. He couldn't really eat anymore, and was being fed through a tube, but I could give him little crushed bits of popsicles. Popsicle breakfast that day was orange and cherry. Tomi said that he wished popsicles came in strawberry, because it would be like eating my hair. I made a resolution, right then, to find strawberry popsicles if any existed on the planet Earth.
I was telling him something, about some band or something. Just jabbering away. Just trying to keep his mind occupied.
"Ryuichi..."
"Yup?" I kneeled down close to his bed and pressed my face against his hand. "Whatcha need, Tomi?"
"I always suspected I might just be an ordinary man, living an ordinary life. And then, I met you. And I realized I was still an ordinary man, but with an extraordinary love for an extraordinary man."
"Oh Tomi," I said, rubbing my cheek on his fingers, "You're so wonderful to me. I love you so much. I'd do anything for you, you know?"
"Yes, I know." he replied, closing his eyes. Even light conversation wore him out. "Will you sing for me, Ryuichi?"
"Of course, na no da."
And so I did. I sang "Be There". And when I got to the part...
"If you consider me...to be your burden...I will say 'so long' anytime. But, I only hope that, you'll be there, anytime..."
Tomi squeezed my hand.
If I had known he was saying goodbye, I would have told him I loved him a thousand more times, just to make sure he understood. If I had known it was the end I would have at least...at least...
Sang a happier song.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I wake up in a strange room as my head strikes something hard. But, the pain in my head pales in comparison to the gnawing panic rising in my stomach. I spasm and curl into a ball, automatically defending against the sudden thought that I might be dying.
Roughness against my cheek. Carpet.
Where am I? Where am I? It's dark but...if I open my eyes I can see a balcony, and lights beyond. There's a city here. Is this Tokyo? This must be Tokyo, but I don't recognize this view.
I hear my own breath, gasping. Gasping for air. Am I drowning? Something is terribly, terribly wrong. Something is missing.
"Tomi?"
I feel around in the dark, trying to find any clue at all. Anything familiar. Anything to let me know that I haven't woken up in someone else's skin.
"Tomi? Where are you?"
My hand smacks against something hard. I feel it like a blind man, as I use my other arm to drag myself across the carpet. For some reason, my arm hurts.
"TOMI! TOMI! I can't find you! I can't find Kumagoro!!"
It's wooden. It's a nightstand. There's a bed next to it. This isn't my bed, but...maybe...maybe we're in a hotel or something.
"Tomi! Are you..."
Something as light as a butterfly's kiss strokes the back of my hand. Warm flesh curls slowly around my wrist, tapered fingers that cause me to become still. There's no reason to panic. I'm not lost. Tomi is still here.
"Ryuichi...you were...screaming."
That voice is so soft, tired. But even that simple whispered phrase sets my heart at ease.
"Tomi, I'm sorry. I had a nightmare. I thought you died."
"Ryuichi, it's me. It's Shu...." The voice halts suddenly. I hear the figure in the bed change positions, "It's alright now. Nothing happened. You just fell out of bed."
"I can't find Kumagoro, Tomi."
"You dropped him at..." There's a gentle tug on my wrist. "You dropped him. But, he's fine for now. Come sleep, okay?"
I climb up onto the bed, favoring my right arm, since my left one hurts. I must have bumped it when I fell off the bed. I seem to be wearing a nice fluffy bath robe. I wonder why. I don't usually sleep with any clothes. Well, I'll remember in the morning, I'm sure.
I slip under the covers. It's already warm here. Tomi must have been sleeping in this spot. He probably kept scooting closer and closer to me until I rolled off the bed. Ha! Silly, Ryu-chan. Silly Tomi. We'll have a good laugh about this in the morning.
Rolling over, I snake my arm out across Tomi's chest, pulling myself closer to his side. I can feel his hip bone against my thigh. Tomi makes a surprised noise as I bring my knee up and drape my legs over his.
"Did I hurt you, Tomi?" I whisper in his ear.
"No, um...it's...it's okay." Tomi's hand caresses my upper arm, rhythmically drawing me away from all worries.
Hmmm. I'm so sleepy, all of a sudden. My heavy eyelids are dragging me back towards Neverland.
"Okay, goodnight, Tomi. Oh. Let's have pancakes tomorrow. With whipped cream...and sprinkles...and cherries...and..."
As I lose consciousness, I'm struck with one last realization.
Tomi must be using my shampoo.
His hair smells distinctly like strawberries.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Our Next Chapters: The second confrontation. Kumagoro is missing, what does this mean for Ryuichi? What happens in the morning when Ryuichi wakes up to find...he's sleeping with Shuichi? What of Tohma and Yuki? Does Yuki really still love Shuichi? The web of lies and deceit unravels all the more. I hope you will stay tuned!
***Author Notes:
Well, a lot of people already guessed what Ryuichi and Shuichi saw that caused Ryuichi to go a bit psycho. But, is there more to it?
Ryuichi is much more psychotic in this chapter, but I hope it isn't -too- overdone. Well, maybe a smidgen overdone. Not a very happy chapter, I'm afraid. I used a bit of Kleenex writing it.
Some people have asked me, (in regards to this story, and another of my stories "Sundial") if I have had experience in being insane. I'm not exactly sure what to say to that. I think everyone harbors some psychosis to some degree, maybe some more than others. But, personally, except for some rough bits in my late teens and early twenties, I'm pretty well adjusted. Or, I like to think so, anyway. I have had numerous troubled friends, though. Then again, don't we all have a few friends like that?
I'm sorry that this chapter took a bit longer than the previous three. I spent last weekend at a convention, and didn't get as much writing time in. PLus, the two times I attempted to post this, ff.net was down.
***Review Notes:
As always, a million and one thank-yous to everyone who reviewed. I've really been quite surprised at the response to this story, and I hope it continues to grow. So, extra doubleplus syrupy thank yous to:
kitty-nickle (Glad you are enjoying the story!), Kit-Nyah (Not too angsty this time, I hope?), Hotaru007 (Thanks for reading!), Catastrophe (Woowoo, all tied up!), Rabid Bat (Lima beans? ICK! Wink.), Sani (Thanks for reading!), anon, Ranger (The ending should be somewhat happy, I hope), Burned Vamp (Cough, cough? Heheh. I hope it isn't -that- bad.), The Demonic Duo (Woohoo, Hooray for obsessions!), pinksakuya (Hehehe. Attack-mode-Ryuichi. That's funny. He does need to be on someone's leash sometimes.), Aibyouka (Was your theory correct? Don't bounce too long, you'll put a hole in the floor!), CassiToTheStars (Glad you are enjoying the story!), Bisexual Pygmy (Hahaha. At least I didn't make him wear a dress this chapter, eh?), kitty-nickle (Thank you so much for your kind words!), hopemia (That Tohma does need a punch every now and then, doesn't he?),
Yma: I know exactly what you mean about parents splitting up and then talking like you can't hear them. I've been thought that several times, and it is certainly no fun. Thanks for stopping by my site, btw. Hehehe. No one really ever does, I think. And, thanks again for all your kind words, I hope the story continues to amuse you. :D
Lasaire: The dressing room could have been a lot steamier, too. But, then I don't think they'd let me show this story on ff.net anymore. Chuckle. I agree with you about Tohma being a -total- mystery. You just never know what he is really thinking. Ever. Ryuichi is, indeed, very intense. I hope more of that leaks out over the course of the story. I just don't think there have been many opportunities for that quiet intensity to poor out, yet.
Veleda: Poor Ryuichi, eh? He never seems to get a break when it comes to love. And I never thought, in the anime or manga, that Shuichi was very attractive. But, I think with a few years and a bit of maturity (like in this story), he'd be very much so. Well, I am glad you are enjoying the story. :D
Fire Dragon of Darkness: I am glad you are enjoying the characterization of Ryuichi. He's a bit different in this chapter, but I hope it is an understandable sort of different.
noali: I hope you aren't -too- disappointed. Anyway, either in the next chapter, or the one after, it will be revealed -why- Yuki would do such a horrible thing. There is actually a reason. I think the ending is happy, but others may find it sad, I'm not sure.
hidesfaerie: That Tohma can be crafty, can't he? I say we all get our baseball bats and go smash his car together!
xpyne!: What's up with the skirts? Hmmm, I don't know. I guess I just like a man in a skirt. It's so very lovely, no? Your school dance sounds quite delicious. I hope you had fun!
Wakaba-sama: Ice cream is, indeed, good. Unfortunately, I am lactose intolerant. Sigh. Wanting ice cream, but never being about to have it without consequences. :( Anyway, hooray for secret naked photos!
kohana-chan: Ack! What a scary comment. I think my heart skipped a beat before I got to the "just kidding"!
Twylise: I'm glad you don't find the "Tomi" backstory to be -too- distracting. Original characters can be such a put-off, I know. Anyway, yeah, I dislike stories that make Yuki hate Shuichi for no reason. And, I swear, the reasons for all of Yuki's actions will be revealed in the next few chapters. Thanks again for reading.
I'm sorry if I missed any thank-yous. My computer is being a bit wonky at the moment. Please know that your reviews are highly cherished. :D