I recommend Bach's "Sarabande" or other cello concertos as an
accompaniment to reading this chapter.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Chapter 5: Cello Suite
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A list of things which are warm and soft. Kittens. Newly made cotton candy. Bunny slippers. Grass in the summertime. Chaste kisses on one's eyelids.
It seems that whatever Cosmic Power holds us within Its firm but benevolent grasp wishes to make it known that all things 'warm and soft' shall give mankind joy and solace.
I shall have to add to my list. I shall have to add "The staccato breath upon my neck", and "The downy hair nestled against over my shoulder".
Something, some preternatural creature born of silken cobwebs and glistening honeysuckle flowers lays pressed into my body, molding itself to my form. I can not tell, at this lazy hour of post-dawn golden luster, where my skin ends and his begins. We are tangled together into the blankets, trussed up by ropes of flannel sheets, Sainted Martyrs to Song held captive some twenty plus floors above Tokyo.
The world, silently holy save for our sinful breathing, remains tenuously inviolate as my eyes open. My gaze runs along the lithe cord of arm which begins with fingers lying against my left temple, their tips immersed in the hair above my ear, to a pale and beveined wrist only inches from my lips, along muscled flesh toward the sensitive inner divot of elbow resting on my chest, and finally over the plains of upper arm bespeckled with baby hairs that bristle slightly at the contact of my breath. There, at the junction of arm and shoulder, I spy the gentle slope of neck, the sculpture of the twin paths of collarbone and jawbone, and a chin which at its apex owns lips that surely must be composed entirely of hard watermelon-flavored candy.
I realize two things simultaneously.
This is Shuichi wrapped around me. And, my face is slowly moving towards his, intent upon claiming those sugar-sweet lips as a prize without my mind's permission.
I stop myself immediately. Oh Gods, the difficulty rating of that particular self-restraint is enough to rip a small growl from my throat. What the hell is wrong with me? I can't kiss Shuichi, What sort of depraved individual would even consider taking advantage of such a situation? Shuichi is not mine, and indulging in such liberties would only be regrettably self-serving.
But, just...one kiss? One taste, just to know... One nibble of that exquisitely inviting flesh could satisfy the parched yearning taking root within my throat. Just one kiss...just once...I would not be tempted to take more than this, I promise. I wouldn't even think such thoughts ever again, if I could just...
No. No, no, no, no, no. Wouldn't that make me exactly like Tohma? Taking whatever I wanted. Forcing myself upon the broken-hearted. And, knowing Shuichi, he might even let me. I've found that the boundary between friend and lover, especially in times of a crisis of the heart, is generally demarcated with a line visible only under a microscope.
Definitely no kissing. I've already crossed a forbidden threshold just being in bed with him. Which reminds me... How exactly, did I get here?
How did I...
Oh.
Ohhhhhhhhh.
I stifle a groan as the events of the previous night all come flooding back. I must have fallen asleep while sitting on the edge of Shuichi's bed. Nightmares. Falling onto the floor. Waking up with that horrible sinking feeling in my stomach, the indefatigable panic that I might be alone in this world. And then I was saved. I was saved by Tomi who was, as it is now obvious, Shuichi.
He saved -me-.
It makes me feel mildly better to know that Shuichi feels that I am worth saving. The sentiment touches me, even makes me smile, unwarranted though it may be. Then again, maybe he just wanted me to stop screaming.
I need to get out of this bed -right now-. My hands wish desperately to clasp Shuichi to my chest and do things which... Which would not be right. Why do I always do this? Anything forbidden is only made more tantalizing in my eyes. I use any means to possess it, manipulation, bribery, lies. The harder and more illicit the pursuit, the more I crave it.
I just want once more to find, to touch, to view, the happiness I once had in Tomi's arms. But, it never appears. In the end, I leave a trail of broken men and women in my wake. After I broke down their walls, they gave everything to me. And I gave them nothing. Nothing.
I'm just like Tohma. I'm as wicked as he. And Tohma knows it.
Carefully, I pry Shuichi's hand away from my hair, and lift his arm from my chest. Extricating myself from the warm body pressed into my side feels a great deal like having an extra limb suddenly fall off. Even as I slide away from Shuichi, I can still feel where he was, where it seems he should be.
Ah, so this must be what Adam felt like when the rib which formed Eve was pulled from his chest. What Osiris felt like when Isis couldn't find that last, vital bit of his body. This is the desolation of the Sea when it gave up Aphrodite.
Shuichi whimpers in his sleep as I place his arm back on the bed. I can hear him nuzzling the covers, shifting in his sleep as he searches for not what he lost, but what somehow lost him. I sit on the edge of the mattress, bending down towards the floor to grab one of a dozen large pillows which normally decorate the bed. I mean to place it under his arms, let him snuggle this object since Yuki Eiri won't be, I certainly shouldn't be, Shuichi's anchor.
But, when I turn back around, my breath catches in my throat. Can eyes as bright as colored diamonds ever be termed 'sleepy'? If so, then those sleepy jewels peer up at me, unable to bear any deceit. Shuichi's hair juts a dozen different directions, like some sort half-hearted pink-and-blue cactus. My gaze can't help but catch on his eyebrow, and the metal trinket plunged through giving flesh. I shudder, and try hopelessly to keep my thoughts chaste.
"Hey," he says, doing some sort of bizarre but terribly erotic smacking motion with his lips, as if they were numb and he was checking to make sure they still worked.
"Hey." I'm entranced. I can't move. What do I say, Kumagoro? What do I... Oh, right. Kumagoro isn't here. I flinch at that thought. I really have nothing to hold onto, now.
"It's okay," Shuichi whispers, his voice a smidgen raspy, "You don't have to go." He reaches out to catch hold of a bit of my robe at my hip.
I smile. I don't know if it is forced, or if it is real. I don't want Shuichi to see the wickedness behind my eyes. "I was...I was going to see about breakfast."
"No." His voice takes on the childish whine which was more prevalent when I first met him. Shuichi tugs on the robe like a kid trying to get someone taller's attention. "I mean, could you stay? For a little while? I mean, if you can't, that's okay. I don't want to take advantage of you, but...I...I...."
Gar. He's only been awake two minutes, if that, and already I've made him cry. Or, I've made him think of Yuki-san, and -that's- making him cry. Either way, that's no way to start a morning.
This is a bad idea. This is a very, very, very bad idea. But, what else can I do?
Dropping the pillow, I lift my legs back onto the bed and slide towards Shuichi. "No, I don't mind, na no da," I reply as I guide his arm back across my chest. Instinctively, Shuichi settles into my side, lifting his head to rest it on my shoulder, pressing his torso against my ribs, his upper legs (thankfully covered in pajama bottoms) nestled against my thigh. A couple of tears roll down his face and end up pooling against my collarbone.
Shuichi cries for some minutes, sniffling every few seconds, hugging my side and hiding his face in my shoulder. I just let him. Sometimes you have to cry. I imagine that people who don't cry are even worse off than people who don't laugh. It must be terribly lonely to travel the world, untouched by anything.
"S..sorry," Shuichi finally says as his sobs abate. "You must think I do nothing but cry."
"I'd be more worried if you didn't cry at all." I run my fingers through his hair. I shouldn't, but I do. I'm momentarily fascinated by the puzzle of trying to make it all go the same direction. "You can cry all you want. I don't mind."
"Do you...um...uh..." Shuichi removes his face from his shoulder and looks up at me, "Need to take your pills?"
Is he worried about me? Or is he worried that I might flip out? How can he be worried at all, I wonder? How can he think of others while his heart is so obviously torn to shreds. "Nah. I'll be fine for now. The pills are for anxiety attacks and...uh..." Manic depression. Social anxiety. Severe dysphoria. Nightmares. "You don't think I'm crazy, do you, Shu-chan?"
Shuichi puts his head back upon my shoulder. He's quiet for a few moments, and I'm mildly worried that he's just thinking of a nice way to tell me that I am, in fact, the most insane person he's ever met. Finally, he whispers, "No. I think you are more like a stormy cloud. You're charged with so much electricity that you warp the world around you as you pass, scenting the air with static, making the world buzz in anticipation of the rain. But, like a cloud, reigning above the world supreme and untouchable, you can not help but be filled with lightning that sometimes escapes your heart without your permission."
A knot forms in my throat. Now -I- want to cry. Save for Tomi, no one has ever said such a thing to me. I can't help but pull Shuichi into a tight hug. How can he be so kind?
And, I don't care what Yuki Eiri says, Shuichi's brilliant. You can see it in his lyrics, and at times like this, you can hear it in his words.
We lay together for some time, watching the city below come to life, reflecting upon internal thoughts, warmed by each other. Everything, in this bed, seems so focused, so clear. Safe. If only I could stay here, letting the world cease to be, my fans and by fame withering away into nothing, I could be...
I might become...
Unfathomably happy.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The second time I leave the bed, I'm actually successful in letting Shuichi remain asleep. We spoke no words about what we saw the previous night, nor did we breach the topic of Yuki-san, or Tohma, or the events which followed. It's probably a good thing, since I'm pretty sure Shuichi would have shut down if forced to confront those memories.
I make my way down the hall and find Molly and Ten sitting in my living room. Ten is ignoring my presence by reading the newspaper. Molly, on the other hand, gives me a more guilt-producing glare than even my own mother could ever muster.
I flex my hand, again and again, as I sit down on the couch. My hand, that's where Kumagoro should be. My knee bounces nervously. I need something to hold onto, so I grab a pillow.
Molly is wearing a dark blue jacket and a skirt that comes past her knees. It's the most expensive suit she owns. A Chanel original. Her short, bobbed coif sports so much hair-spray it's become immobile.
The last time she dressed up like this, she had to tell the press that several Nittle Grasper tour dates had been postponed due to the fact that I had contracted strep-throat. (True.) And, I was so ill that I could not leave my bed. (False. I was actually having a grand time watching cartoons and coloring giant paper murals to give to friends.)
Molly purses her lips and nudges the tray on the table containing my breakfast (and pills) towards me. "That wasn't the bed I had in mind when I told you to go to bed."
I say nothing. I just glare at her, daring her to continue. For fuck's sake, I'm thirty-three years old. Alright, maybe I don't have any idea how to drive a car, and I have a penchant for setting my own home on fire, but I'm not a child! I know what I am doing! I have to know what I am doing, or otherwise, what am I but a wind-up singing toy to be used by others?
Why can't I figure out how to be in control of my own life?
Why does everything have to spiral into chaos?
Like a jar of marbles, spilled out onto the floor, scattering in a thousand different directions. Rush, rush to get them all, rush rush to put them all in order, to categorize and catalog and label before someone comes to spill them again.
This is what it means by 'losing your marbles'.
Seeing that I am not going to make any sort of comment about spending the night in Shuichi's bed, Molly changes the subject. "I have to go meet your lawyer to find out what will happen if Yuki Eiri files the restraining order against you or Shindou-san. And then I have a meeting with Seguchi-san..."
Snarl.
"...to explain why you were across town without a bodyguard..."
I don't think my physical safety is high on the list of Tohma's concerns.
"Ten will stay here with you. Please don't...please just try to..."
Behave myself? Act like nothing happened?
"Rest. I can tell you are worn out, Sakuma-san, even if you don't want to admit it to yourself. This ordeal is hard on you." Molly reaches across the table to touch my hand as I place my glass of juice back on the coaster. "Getting any more hurt won't help you or Shindou-san."
My indignation melts at the tone of Molly's voice. She and Ten mean to be helpful, really they do, and to protect me. It is my error to think ill of them. They work so hard, and all I do is continually make more trouble.
I mumble some sort of promise to Molly to do my best to rest today. Resting will be good. Shuichi needs rest. I need rest. We're both drained physically and emotionally.
Ten turns the page of his newspaper. Without even looking up, he asks, "Where's Kumagoro?"
I stare at the floor. It's a very expensive carpet, just like ones I saw in America. When you walk on it, strands squish in between your toes. Like walking on clouds, I think. Or maybe like walking on mashed potatoes, which I've never done, but now that I think about it, I fully intend to try it someday.
"Time to post up the 'Missing Bunny' posters, eh?"
I almost choke on my toast as I look over in Ten's direction. His bulky form ripples as he shakes to paper to get it to quit falling over at the edges. Why he doesn't just fold it into four pieces like normal people, I'll never know. The serious expression on his face never changes as he continues to taunt me.
"Wanted, Dead or Alive, Criminal Mastermind, Kumagoro, Rabbit And Fashion Victim Extraordinaire."
My eyes grow wide. I can't believe he's actually making fun of poor Kuma-chan, na no da! This is a serious situation. Kumagoro could be in peril! I mean, if he is at Yuki-san's house, he must -certainly- be in the very real danger of having to confront meanie grumpiness and intolerable boredom!
"Eh, I wouldn't worry about it, Sakuma-san," Ten says, trying to hide his smirk by raising his paper. "Kumagoro always was far more crafty and intelligent than you, ne? I'm sure he can take care of himself."
Well, it -is- true that Kumagoro holds a doctorate in the field of Hophopology. And, he -is- a blackbelt in pikajutsu, the martial art of defeating others with shinyness. But, what if...
"And, anyway, he has your cellphone in his pouch, doesn't he? If he's in trouble, I'm sure he'll call."
Of course he will. I don't know why I was so worried.
Sometimes, I don't know what I would do....
If I didn't have such kind and caring friends.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I could really use some booze.
I adore vodka. Vodka sours. Vodka Collins. Screwdrivers. If you get a really smooth vodka, and a really pure orange juice, and mix them just right, you get what I like to call a Glass Screwdriver. Because it tastes just like what you would imagine orange-tinted glass would taste like if you could drink it. And it looks just like a sunset. Just like a perfectly golden sunset you could drink.
From what I understand, that's what I was drinking when they found me. Correction. When -Tohma- found me.
Now, I don't remember much about that day. I do remember a few flashes of things. The blood on porcelain of the bathtub felt just like silk. I rubbed my fingers on it, and it was slippery. I drew a picture of Tomi on the tiles of the wall with the blood, with silky silky blood. Cause I wanted him to be there with me as I died, just like I was there with him.
Otherwise, it would have been too lonely.
There was some time without sound. Things happened, but I couldn't get a good fix on the noises associated with them. No, wait. I shouldn't say there was -no- sound. I definitely heard a cello. Yes, there was a cello playing Bach's 'Sarabande', very slow and sleepy. And all the discordant flutters of the low notes reminded me of Tomi's voice, late at night, when my head was on his chest and he'd talk to me about nothing in particular.
And I remember that Tohma looked very worried. That scared me some, because Tohma never seems to worry about much. And, even if he is worried, he doesn't show it.
Tohma was dragging me out of the tub, and yelling, and kept slapping me on the side of the cheek. But, I was really calm. Really, really calm, you know? I asked him if he thought that the cello was the loveliest instrument, even more lovely than the guitar or the sax. I felt really bad, right then, for never taking Tomi to see a good cellist before he died. Because I think he would have liked that.
Well, I don't remember anything for a few days after that. I woke up in the hospital. Tohma was there when I did. He looked like he'd been in a fight with several dozen zombies from Zeta Povira Six. Tohma was holding onto my hand like I was going to run off to somewhere good and leave him behind. So, I told him not to worry about it, because right then I didn't feel so much like running, due to the fact that I mostly hurt all over.
Tohma said to me as I laid there in that hospital bed, "You stupid, stupid, stupid man. You're so stupid. Why do you have to be so incredibly stupid?"
I just bit my lip and shrugged a little. Well, I don't know why I am stupid. Just born that way, I guess.
I asked Tohma if he thought Tomi would come to visit me in the hospital. Because, he probably didn't much like hospitals anymore. But, I thought it might be nice if Tomi stopped by and looked in on me. I would have liked to know what Tomi thought about the whole cello situation, and if he had any opinions on Bach, in general.
"Oh, god Ryuichi," Tohma said. I couldn't see his eyes because he had one of those hats of his on his head, "Can't you stop thinking about him for just one second? For just one second, can't you just figure out how to care about yourself instead of everyone else?"
I think Tohma went on, after that. He said a lot of things, but I wasn't really listening. I was watching his face, though. Tohma has the oddest complexion. Like baby peaches. Like peaches that haven't quite figured out how to become all the way pink yet. His lips just kept moving, and I guess he was saying something really important. I wish I could say I was -thinking- about something important, but I wasn't. Because I was actually just wondering if Tohma liked peaches.
Come to think of it, peaches soaked in vodka are really good, too. Especially when they are fed to you by someone lovely. It wouldn't take much to find someone to feed me peaches right now. I could just go to the nearest bar, sit down, and get the first person who asked me for an autograph if they'd come back to my place. You wouldn't think this would work, but actually it does.
Yes. They'd feed me whatever I asked. Then, I would look deep into their eyes as I licked the vodka off their fingers. If they didn't run away at that point, then I would know they would let me take whatever I wanted. They'd give me everything, just for those minutes. I would be the absolute center of their world, cherished and adored. And maybe, for a few minutes, maybe just for a second, my mind would finally stop. Everything would stop pressing in on me. Until all the noise and pain washed away leaving only that solitary cello playing Sarabande.
Sometimes, it sounds like two cellos, though.
Though, I can hear it quite plainly right now, due to the fact that I am listening to it on my CD player on repeat in the darkness of the library. After Molly left, I came in here and built a tent with a blanket. I draped one corner over one pinball machine, and the other corner over another pinball machine. I took all the pillows in the house, except for the ones in Shuichi's room, and stuffed them inside my fortress.
Sometimes, you just need to build a castle to protect against the siege of sadness while you think things out.
And, it's probably a better idea than going to a bar. Not that I could. Ten would shoot me in the foot before he'd let me leave.
It's about 10:00 in the morning. Shuichi is still in bed, but I don't expect he'll probably get up much at all today. I'll go see if he'll eat some toast, later. If Kumagoro was here, I could ask Kuma-chan to tell Shuichi some happy story about ducks or pickles or something. But, Kuma-chan isn't here.
I'm worried about Kumagoro.
I'm worried about Shuichi.
And, I'm still angry at Tohma and Yuki-san. Well, not as angry as I was, but still angry. I think, more than that, I'm just perplexed. Even if Yuki-san didn't love Shuichi anymore, that's no reason to be so cruel. I mean, I know that I've been just as cruel, but I'm just a useless and stupid person. Yuki-san doesn't seem stupid.
No, that isn't it.
No. I just don't think that Shuichi has it in him to love someone who is altogether a bad egg. Or, maybe he would. Maybe Shuichi loves everyone because he's just that good-hearted.
It's all so confusing. And, thinking -that- makes me even -more- upset. Because, it means that Tohma was right. It -is- too complicated for me to understand.
Tohma's always been there for me, and Noriko too. Been there to help me. It isn't that I don't perceive what is going on around me. I'm very good at watching and seeing what is really going on with a person. But, sometimes I let it affect me a bit too much.
How can I... How can I claim to have any moral high ground where Tohma is concerned? What could I possibly say to prove that what he is doing is wrong? Tohma knows everything about me. He knows everything, especially where to put the knife.
I'm worried about Shuichi. But, I'm also scared. I'm scared to lose my very best friend, who has always been there for me, who takes care of my money and makes sure I'm looked after, who came to sit with me in the hospital and hold my hand.
And, I don't think we'll be able to be friends after this.
Which means there won't be any Nittle Grasper, either. How could I sing songs for Tomi, if my keyboardist broke Shuichi's heart and I let him get away with it? Tomi would know. He'd think that I didn't really care so much about love, after all.
These are the things I'm thinking about, with my face smushed into a pillow and Bach leaking into my ears.
And that's when Shuichi's phone rings.
I've been carrying it around all day. Five times, I dialed almost all of the digits in Tohma's phone number just to tell him that he's an asshole. Three times, I almost called Noriko. Twice I considered calling Yuki-san and demanding an explanation -and- Kumagoro. And once, just once, I thought about calling Mika-san and telling her what a complete shit Tohma is.
I thought about it -really- hard.
But, I like Mika-san too much to hurt her like that.
So, I pick up Shuichi's phone and press the pink plastic against my ear.
"Um. Hello?"
If it's Yuki Eiri, I'm going to scream loud enough to burst his eardrum. If it's Tohma...
"Shuichi?" The voice is low, calm, and quiet, "Shuichi? Are you okay? K just called me and said some stuff that didn't make a lot of sense."
Oh. It's Hiroshi-kun. "No. This is Ryuichi."
"Where's Shuichi? Why are you answering his phone? Is he okay?"
"He's fine. Sleeping across the hall."
And that...that is when I hear the most distraught, pained, excruciatingly heartbreaking scream I've ever heard. It sounds not at -all- like a cello, and more like someone trying to rip out their own vocal cords with a fork.
It is followed, almost immediately, by two successive crashes.
I'm running before I know I am running, pillows flying behind me as I burst out of the library and ram my head into the door for Shuichi's room. Then, I remember to use the doorknob.
Tricky doorknobs. I struggle with it for a few seconds. Who came up with those dumb things, anyway?
The door to Shuichi's room slams open, even though I don't think I'm pushing it that hard. My blood is racing through my veins so fast, I think my heart is liable to crawl its way up my throat and jump out of my mouth.
I look, right, left. Where is Shuichi? I see a smashed lamp. I see an overturned nightstand. I see a bed with blankets so messed up they look like a pile of scrambled eggs. No. No Shuichi.
As I am standing there looking, my bangs suddenly ripple. The warm breeze of the late morning zips across my face, tickles my hands, and brings with it the slightly burning smell of the city.
The glass door to the balcony is open, and when the curtains float to the side, I can just make out Shuichi's pink hair, smooth back, and a section of his green pajama pants. He's sitting on the railing. He's six inches away from falling.
Oh. No, no, Shuichi. No. Please don't.
The phone drops out of my hand.
"Ryuichi..." the phone buzzes, "...what's going on? Ryuichi? RYUICHI?"
Very carefully, very, very carefully. I have to be very careful, because I don't want to scare him at all. I step through the broken bits of lamp, my feet protected by my big, floppy, bunny slippers. I catch hold of the curtain and pull it back. Very slowly, just like peeling a banana.
The first thing I notice is Shuichi's naked feet, dangling on the other side of the railing. The bottom of the left one is cut up a bit.
I guess he stepped on the bits of broken lamp.
The second thing I notice is that Shuichi's fists are holding onto the ledge with such extreme pressure that his knuckles are white. That's good, I think. As long as he's holding on...
Oh god. Somebody help me. Help me think of the right thing. To do. To say. Don't let Shuichi fall. Because I don't care how much he sounds like an angel when he sings, I AM ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN THAT SHUICHI CAN NOT FLY!
Pull yourself together.
I can do this.
I -have- to do this.
I walk up to the railing a few feet down from where Shuichi is sitting. Don't look down. Don't look down and think about Shuichi falling.
Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god. Where's Kumagoro when I need him?
Okay. Okay.
If I were Shuichi, what would I be thinking, right now?
Oh. Right.
"Do you hear cellos, Shuichi?"
Shuichi flinches a bit, but he doesn't lose his grip. Thank god. Across the rooftops, I see a half-dozen blackbirds take to the air, their wings beating out a sound that is lost by the distance. It is a sound that you see. You know it has to be there, somewhere in the air, but it gets lost on the way.
"Me," I continue, "I hear cellos. A cello. Just one, but sometimes it sounds like two. I think everyone has an instrument that they can hear when all the other thoughts are finally removed from their mind. All the thoughts except the very last one. It's because you can finally hear what your heart really sounds like, without all the other stuff getting in the way. But, you know what I am talking about, don't you? You've heard it before...when you and Yuki-san...made love."
Shuichi's voice comes to me, scared and unsure, as another drop of blood leaps from the bottom of his foot. "Nnn...no. Flute."
Flute? I'd have never guessed. "What does it play?"
"S...something...Irish...I can never tell...if it is...happy or sad. But, it makes me feel...like crying from both."
Very, very carefully, I slide my hand up and place it on top of Shuichi's. His knuckles are so cold, they feel like cheesecake that's been in the fridge a few days too long. "Love is the most terrifying thing in the world, Shuichi. I know it is. After that, after love is broken, a body just wants to be broken, too. So that the body can understand what the heart is going through, to comfort it." I squeeze Shuichi's hand. "But, I'd be so sad if you died. I'd probably never sing again. And Hiroshi-kun and Fujisaki-kun, they'd be sad. And K. And your family, too. You wouldn't hurt us all...like that...on purpose...would you, Shuichi?"
"No...I..." Shuichi finally looks at me. I'm surprised at how calm his face looks. He's not even crying. Maybe he's run out of tears. "I just wanted...it's horrible, but I wanted to hurt Yuki. I wanted to hurt him like he hurt me. I wanted him to know, to understand, what he's done to me. Like, maybe if I died, he'd have to carry that pain around all the time. But, at least...he'd be thinking of me."
"I know." Quickly, but with extreme caution, I step behind Shuichi and slide my arms around his waist. "But, you don't want to hurt him, really. You don't have it in you to hurt someone like that, Shuichi. Or you would have already jumped."
As Shuichi goes limp with a sob, I pull him off the ledge. We fall together into heap on the patio. Shuichi is holding on to me like I'm the railing, and he's still about to fall, his fingertips digging into my back almost painfully. He's writhing against me, trying to work out the pain which is exploding from within. Trying to hold on to the faith in 'forever' as it seeks to leave him.
I can't do anything. I can't do anything except watch Shuichi die in ways that have nothing to do with falling from a building. I can do nothing but rub his back, and whisper, and tell him that it will be alright now. Even though it won't. And I tell him that he's not a bad person, and he didn't do anything wrong. And I tell him...that I love him.
That last thing just slipped out.
But, I don't think Shuichi understood it quite the way I meant it. Or, maybe he didn't hear it at all. However, the other person on the patio -did- hear it. I'm not sure how long Ten has been standing there. Maybe the whole time. Strangely enough, he doesn't look upset. Instead, he just holds Shuichi's phone up to his ear and says, "Sakuma-san is going to have to call you back."
He clicks the phone closed and gazes at me, his long black ponytail swishing in the breeze.
Then he smirks at me and shakes his head as if in disbelief.
I have no idea what -that's- all about.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Ten puts Shuichi on the couch in the front room and I get some bandages for Shu-chan's foot. While watching Ten clean and wrap the wound, I am reminded that I -too- have bandages. For lack of anything better to do, I unwind some of the gauze a bit and look at the end of the largest cut on my arm. New scars kinda look like mashed black cherry bits. Curious, I stick my tongue out and lick it.
It does -not- taste like cherry.
"Stop doing that, Sakuma-san," Ten says, giving me a quick look over his shoulder as he continues to work on Shuichi's foot. Shuichi winces a little as Ten swabs it with alcohol. "And you, Shindou-san, what's gotten into you? Breaking other people's stuff..."
Ten's grumpy, but he's not really mad. I can tell. When he's really mad, he doesn't talk.
"I'm sorry. I heard....the phone," Shuichi says, "My phone. I thought maybe..."
Oh. I get it.
He thought Yuki had called. That's what set him off.
"It was Hiroshi-kun," I say, trying to put my own bandage back in place. It's hard to do with only one hand. "He just called to make sure you are alright, I think."
Shuichi is much calmer now. For many people, there's a sort of euphoria and temporal disassociation that sets in after both a good hard cry, and a hear-death experience. Since he just had both, I'm betting Shu-chan's feeling somewhat fuzzy at the moment.
Although I don't really want to take my eyes off Shuichi, I leave him with Ten while I go to clean up the broken lamp. I should just call my penthouse the 'Place Of Many Broken Things'. Well, I'm not mad at Shuichi for breaking the lamp, though I am a little mad at the lamp for cutting Shuichi.
When I come back, I find Ten and Shuichi in the kitchen. Ten has a tray out, and is building tiny cracker sandwiches with meats and cheeses and vegetables and pickles and things. He's telling Shuichi that every year, during Spring Break, aliens invade Cancun so they can feast on the life forces of drunken teenagers. I don't know if Ten really believes that or not, but he sure sounds serious.
I sit down at the table next to Shu-chan.
Shuichi isn't crying. He isn't talking. He's just looking off into space. Like if he could just pinpoint the very molecule, the very atom, the very nanosecond that caused his life to break into pieces, he might finally understand -why-. And then he could let go of hope and be at peace.
I grab Shuichi's hand underneath the table and curl his fingers into mine.
Stay with me, Shu-chan.
Stay...you.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The rest of that morning and afternoon is fairly uneventful. Shuichi ate some of the cracker things and drank some orange soda while we both listened to Ten expound on cattle mutilations near someplace called Taos, New Mexico. I know this means that Ten isn't mad at us, and that he really likes Shuichi now. My bodyguard doesn't explain the intricacies of extra-terrestrial anal probing to just anyone.
I'm not sure where the change came from, but it's a good one.
Shuichi eventually called Hiroshi-kun back and told him that everything was fine. They talked for a while, and that really seemed to do wonders for Shu-chan's spirit. It must be great to have a best friend who you can trust to always have your back and cheer you up.
I remember when I had one of those. It seems like just yesterday.
Oh right, it -was- yesterday.
Hiroshi-kun can't get away from his wedding planning right at the moment (due to the fact that he and Ayaka-san are at the hotel on the tiny Polynesian island where they are to be wed next month) but, he's going to try to catch a plane back to Japan later in the week to come and see Shu-chan. That's nice, I think. I really like Hiroshi-kun. I wonder if Shu-chan, Hiro-kun and I could jam when he comes to visit.
Anyway, for the rest of the day, I'm a little scared to let Shuichi out of my sight. Ten too, it seems. He keeps coming to check on us every half hour.
We spend most of our time in the TV room. Finding a show that doesn't make Shuichi look like he's about to burst into tears was really hard. I tried the tapes that one of my fans made me of the old American show 'I Love Lucy', but every time that Ricky yelled at Lucy for doing something stupid, Shuichi would shudder and bite his bottom lip. We tried to watch a Rurouni Kenshin marathon, which worked for a while, but then they showed the movies and I was pretty sure that Shuichi wasn't ready for the part where the lovers are torn apart by betrayal and ultimately death. Even music videos didn't work. So, we ended up watching travel shows and trying to see how many bands we could name from each country they showed. It was a hard game, but I was really surprised to find out how much Shuichi knows about European dance and club music. We didn't know any bands from Mexico, but I did tell Shuichi about my lifelong dream to start a mariachi band when I get really old. Or maybe a zydeco band. I haven't decided yet.
Maybe I will go to Ireland and learn some flute music.
Anyway, things calmed down a lot. Ten went and bought us like five zillion boxes of Pocky from the lobby downstairs. I was trying to draw a picture of Yo-yo Ma playing the cello, and screwing it up royally because I didn't have Kumagoro to help. I kept getting confused and looking for Kuma-chan, and Shuichi would have to tell me all over again that I'd dropped him. I felt really bad about that, so after a while I wrote a reminder on my hand as to where Kumagoro was. Problem solved.
It was around five or six o'clock when there was a light knock on the door to the TV room. Shuichi had passed out somewhere between 'Exploring Iceland' and 'A Journey Through The Amazon Basin', which I thought was just fine, since I didn't know any bands from the Amazon Basin, anyway. He was sleeping all curled up in one of the big armchairs. Curled up just like a cat.
I opened the door, since I didn't want to yell and wake up Shu-chan. Molly, looking mildly bedraggled in her expensive suit, stood in the hallway with a kind smile on her face.
"You have a visitor, Sakuma-san."
A visitor?
For me?
Thankfully, Shuichi and I had both eventually found some clothes to put on earlier in the day. Neither of us was really in the mood to go high-style, so I was just in some ripped up jeans (comfy) and an old Social Distortion t-shirt (cool). Not really company-greeting attire. But, what can you do?
Though, it turned out not to matter. Because the person who was in my living room had seen me in much, much, worse.
"NORIKO-CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!"
I pounced her like a piranha attacking a steak. Or, rather, I tried to pounce her. Unfortunately, Noriko-chan knows ryuichijutsu, which is the art of completely dodging attacking Ryu-chans. Damn her and her clever ways.
So, instead, finding myself on the floor, I just grabbed onto her leg and hugged it. "You came to see me! You came all the way just to see me!"
"Of course I did, you silly fool. When Molly-san told me what you'd been up to, I had to come and beat some sense into you." Nori-chan bent over and attempted to pry me off her leg. "Can't you act like a normal host and offer me something to drink?"
"You want orange soda?"
"Uh. Yeah." I know she didn't -actually- want orange soda. But, she wasn't going to say that she really wanted a beer.
"Okay."
After I brought out the cans, and Molly and Ten scuttled off to go sit with Shuichi, Nori-chan and I sat down on the couches and made ourselves comfy. She had her hair up in one big ponytail on top of her head, and was wearing nothing particularly fascinating, so I don't think Molly picked Noriko up at NG. Which meant that my personal assistant drove all the way to the suburbs to pick up Noriko. I have to remember to thank her later.
"I have Shuichi staying at my house!" I don't know why I told her that first. I just kinda want to tell everyone I see. I felt stupid after saying that, so I picked up a pillow and put it on my lap. I wish Kumagoro was here.
"I know, you idiot." Noriko rolled her eyes and took a big gulp of the soda. "I know all about everything. What the hell do you think you're doing, Ryuichi?"
I felt the left corner of lip twitch. "I'm helping. Helping Shuichi."
Sighing, Noriko reached back to adjust her ponytail. "You know you can't do this, Ryuichi. You're a fucking spazz. We almost had to medicate you when your goddamn goldfish died because you tried to feed it Cheese Puffs when you ran out of fish food."
"I know the difference between Shuichi and a goldfish, na no da."
"You can't keep Shuichi as a pet, Ryuichi. He can't live here. What's going to happen when he does something to accidentally piss you off? What about the media? Have you even given thought one to the kind of scandal this would cause?"
Actually...I hadn't.
"But, Nori-chan," I dig my fingers into the pillow in my lap. "Where else is he supposed to go? Shuichi is my friend. I have to take care of my friends, 'cause you only get a limited number of really good ones. I'd do the same thing if you were in trouble..."
"Yeah, but I'm not an idiot, so I don't get in these kind of situations." Noriko flops backwards onto the couch, as if just talking to me is wearing her out. "Yeah, I know you just want to help. I just don't want to see you get hurt, buddy. I worry about you, okay?"
"You do?"
"Of course I do, you spazz." Noriko closes her eyes. We've been skirting the real issue, and I don't think either of us wants to bring it up. Suddenly, Nori-chan pops up and grabs her oversized purse. "Oh right, I brought you something."
"You did?"
"Uh-huh. Close your eyes."
I close them. Surprises are grand. Ever since that first time Tomi had me close my eyes and eat his ice cream Train Wreck, I've loved close-your-eyes surprises.
"Open!"
About three inches from my nose is a very familiar color of pink. With a very familiar smell and a very familiar stitch running up the middle. This is...
This is...
"KUMAGORO!!!!!!!!!!!"
I grab the dangling bunny and clutch him to my chest. Ahhhhh. This is right. Yes. This is absolutely right. I was so worried, Kumagoro. So worried. I'm so sorry for leaving you behind. I'm so sorry for putting you through that, Kumagoro. Do you forgive me? Are you okay? Oh, Kumagoro, I'm so glad you're back now. Shuichi will be glad, too. Everything's been so bad, Kumagoro. So bad. But, now that you're back, we can put everything right. Right?
"Are you crying, you weird little..."
I look up and stick out my tongue at Noriko. Never try to come between the reunion of a man and his long lost bunny. So, maybe I am crying a little bit. It's happy crying, not sad crying.
I will never, ever, ever leave you behind again, Kumagoro. I promise.
"Thank you so much for saving him and bringing him home, Nori-chan."
"Actually," Noriko says, twisting one finger in some tendrils of escaped hair, "Tohma's the one you should thank. Yuki Eiri found him on the doorstep and almost tossed Kuma-chan in the trash without thinking."
I wiggle in my seat, suddenly very uncomfortable in my own home. I'm going to have to give Kumagoro -two- baths just to get all the associated ick off of him.
"Ryuichi, you're going to have to talk to him sooner or later."
I stare up at the wall. I've got a nice Kandinsky print hanging behind the couch Noriko is sitting on. Yellow with black triangles and red circles. Like looking at a campfire through a cut diamond, I think. But, maybe I'll get a different painting sometime...
"Ryuichi! Pay attention, idiot. Don't go off into fucking daydreaming just because you don't want to deal with Tohma." Noriko reaches over and grabs my chin. Hard. "You two are my best friends. I hate to see you like this."
My blood might be boiling. What is the boiling temperature of blood, I wonder? Through my teeth I reply, "I don't want to see him, Nori. Not ever again. As soon as I can, I'm getting Molly to write up a press release about the breakup of Nittle Grasper and selling off my shares of NG." Am I? Yeah. I guess I am. "I'm sorry. But, if I let Tohma get away with what he's done to Shuichi, if I just ignored everything and forgot about it, Tomi would never forgive me."
Noriko lets go of my chin and shakes her head. "I thought you'd say that."
She stands up, looping her purse over her shoulder. In six swinging steps, she's at the front door. "You're going to stay here," Noriko says, pulling on the doorknob, "Until you two figure something out."
Then she opens the door.
And, pretty as you please, as if he owned the building, as if he wasn't the scum of the fucking earth, as if he hadn't tried to cripple me and Shuichi with malicious words less than 24 hours ago...
Seguchi Tohma walks into my penthouse.
"I'm going across the street to get a beer," Noriko says as she closes the door, "There better not be any blood spilled when I get back."
And then...
I'm alone...
With Tohma.
I lift up Kumagoro and circle my fingers around his neck. Slowly, very slowly, I tighten my grip, all the while keeping my gaze locked on the smirking lips of Shindou Shuichi's personal Judas, showing Tohma exactly what I plan on doing to him if he doesn't turn around and leave my sight this very fucking instant. I will strangle you, Seguchi Tohma. In a heartbeat.
Do. Not. Tempt. Me.
Tohma exhales a quick laugh through his nose. "You love Shuichi that much, Ryuichi? That much? Enough to strangle me?"
I do, Tohma.
I do.
But, I'd never do what you've done. I'd never steal him away from Yuki Eiri. I'd never try to destroy the love in Shuichi's heart just to make him mine.
You see, it's complicated.
Too complicated for you to understand.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
***In Our Next Chapter: The showdown between Tohma and Ryuichi. Will blood be spilled? Will Kumagoro's poor neck be broken? Will Nittle Grasper break up? Will poor Shuichi ever get a fucking break? And what about Ryuichi's ever-growing crush on Shu-chan? Will Tohma explain ANYTHING? I hope you will stay tuned for more Pianissimo Butterfly!
***Author Notes:
I've seen Noriko portrayed in many ways. I hear she has a much bigger part in the manga, but I haven't read very many volumes yet, so you will have to forgive me if she is a bit off.
I recommend downloading Bach's cello suite "Sarabande". It really is a very moving piece.
***Review Notes:
Thank you to everyone who reviewed. Sorry this chapter took so long. I was sick over the weekend, and then I had Jury Duty. I'm hoping there should only be about two more chapters to go before the end.
So, sweet cello symphonies of thanks to:
bergfjel, brassmonkey2079, random stalker, New Orleans, Fire Dragon of Darkness, Nocturne's Requiem, animegirl12182, A, and kitty-nickle.
hopemia: Aaaaahhh. Everyone wants Tohma and Yuki dead. It isn't so bad as that, I promise! Or......is it?
Aibyouka: You know what it is? Tell me! Hehehehe.
The Demonic Duo: Tohma's not so evil in this chapter, don't you think?
Rabid Bat: Tohma's not so bad, really. I promise!
Yma: Thank you so much for reading. :D Yes. I write a lot of Rurouni Kenshin stories, but I also have an Inuyasha story called "Paper Dragons", which you might like, if you have seen that series. It was one of my first fics, though, so the prose isn't as good.
xpyne!: I always had a bizarre feeling that somehow Tohma engineered the whole Yuki murdering his tutor thing. Things -definitely- shouldn't be adding up. You're right about that. Well, there was a little bit of Hiro in this chapter, but not a lot. Instead I had Noriko come slap some sense into Ryuichi. I hope that works, instead.
hidesfaerie: :D Well, thank you again! And why DOES Yuki call Shuichi and yet end up in bed with Tohma? Mysteries, mysteries.
pinksakuya: Didn't expect them from Yuki? Yeah. I actually feel really sorry for Yuki. He's really going through way more hell than Shuichi.
CPV-Phantoms-CTFA: Chuckle! Your review made me laugh so hard. Thanks!
Wakaba-sama: Woohoo! Well, maybe not ice cream. Maybe...POPSICLES! Yeah. Mmmmmmmmm. Chocolate popsicles. *drool*
Bisexual Pygmy: They're all sympathetic characters, really. I like them all.
Veleda: Very good reasons? Mmmmmm. Isn't sex a good enough reason? *duck* No. I can't tell you, seriously. I'm hoping we'll get to Yuki's "motivations" in the next chapter. Yeah, I think so.
noali: Of course Yuki loves Shuichi. Doesn't he? Or -does- he? *wicked eyebrow waggle* No, I haven't finished writing the story. It's only written in my head, and it takes a while to type it out. Sorry to disappoint.
Ranger: I swear it will make sense soon. Hang with me for just one or two more chapters?
Kuria-Dragon-goddess: Ahhhhh. No Tohmadeath. Because where would Ryuichi hide the body? Probably in his closet, and it would stink up all his clothes and stuff.
fujifunmum: Hahahaha. He just found the tire iron somewhere, I guess. I didn't think about that because theres always tire irons laying around my house. (Family member is a mechanic.) Doh! And, you can have Molly if I can have Ten. I need someone to punch people for me and carry the bodies.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Chapter 5: Cello Suite
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A list of things which are warm and soft. Kittens. Newly made cotton candy. Bunny slippers. Grass in the summertime. Chaste kisses on one's eyelids.
It seems that whatever Cosmic Power holds us within Its firm but benevolent grasp wishes to make it known that all things 'warm and soft' shall give mankind joy and solace.
I shall have to add to my list. I shall have to add "The staccato breath upon my neck", and "The downy hair nestled against over my shoulder".
Something, some preternatural creature born of silken cobwebs and glistening honeysuckle flowers lays pressed into my body, molding itself to my form. I can not tell, at this lazy hour of post-dawn golden luster, where my skin ends and his begins. We are tangled together into the blankets, trussed up by ropes of flannel sheets, Sainted Martyrs to Song held captive some twenty plus floors above Tokyo.
The world, silently holy save for our sinful breathing, remains tenuously inviolate as my eyes open. My gaze runs along the lithe cord of arm which begins with fingers lying against my left temple, their tips immersed in the hair above my ear, to a pale and beveined wrist only inches from my lips, along muscled flesh toward the sensitive inner divot of elbow resting on my chest, and finally over the plains of upper arm bespeckled with baby hairs that bristle slightly at the contact of my breath. There, at the junction of arm and shoulder, I spy the gentle slope of neck, the sculpture of the twin paths of collarbone and jawbone, and a chin which at its apex owns lips that surely must be composed entirely of hard watermelon-flavored candy.
I realize two things simultaneously.
This is Shuichi wrapped around me. And, my face is slowly moving towards his, intent upon claiming those sugar-sweet lips as a prize without my mind's permission.
I stop myself immediately. Oh Gods, the difficulty rating of that particular self-restraint is enough to rip a small growl from my throat. What the hell is wrong with me? I can't kiss Shuichi, What sort of depraved individual would even consider taking advantage of such a situation? Shuichi is not mine, and indulging in such liberties would only be regrettably self-serving.
But, just...one kiss? One taste, just to know... One nibble of that exquisitely inviting flesh could satisfy the parched yearning taking root within my throat. Just one kiss...just once...I would not be tempted to take more than this, I promise. I wouldn't even think such thoughts ever again, if I could just...
No. No, no, no, no, no. Wouldn't that make me exactly like Tohma? Taking whatever I wanted. Forcing myself upon the broken-hearted. And, knowing Shuichi, he might even let me. I've found that the boundary between friend and lover, especially in times of a crisis of the heart, is generally demarcated with a line visible only under a microscope.
Definitely no kissing. I've already crossed a forbidden threshold just being in bed with him. Which reminds me... How exactly, did I get here?
How did I...
Oh.
Ohhhhhhhhh.
I stifle a groan as the events of the previous night all come flooding back. I must have fallen asleep while sitting on the edge of Shuichi's bed. Nightmares. Falling onto the floor. Waking up with that horrible sinking feeling in my stomach, the indefatigable panic that I might be alone in this world. And then I was saved. I was saved by Tomi who was, as it is now obvious, Shuichi.
He saved -me-.
It makes me feel mildly better to know that Shuichi feels that I am worth saving. The sentiment touches me, even makes me smile, unwarranted though it may be. Then again, maybe he just wanted me to stop screaming.
I need to get out of this bed -right now-. My hands wish desperately to clasp Shuichi to my chest and do things which... Which would not be right. Why do I always do this? Anything forbidden is only made more tantalizing in my eyes. I use any means to possess it, manipulation, bribery, lies. The harder and more illicit the pursuit, the more I crave it.
I just want once more to find, to touch, to view, the happiness I once had in Tomi's arms. But, it never appears. In the end, I leave a trail of broken men and women in my wake. After I broke down their walls, they gave everything to me. And I gave them nothing. Nothing.
I'm just like Tohma. I'm as wicked as he. And Tohma knows it.
Carefully, I pry Shuichi's hand away from my hair, and lift his arm from my chest. Extricating myself from the warm body pressed into my side feels a great deal like having an extra limb suddenly fall off. Even as I slide away from Shuichi, I can still feel where he was, where it seems he should be.
Ah, so this must be what Adam felt like when the rib which formed Eve was pulled from his chest. What Osiris felt like when Isis couldn't find that last, vital bit of his body. This is the desolation of the Sea when it gave up Aphrodite.
Shuichi whimpers in his sleep as I place his arm back on the bed. I can hear him nuzzling the covers, shifting in his sleep as he searches for not what he lost, but what somehow lost him. I sit on the edge of the mattress, bending down towards the floor to grab one of a dozen large pillows which normally decorate the bed. I mean to place it under his arms, let him snuggle this object since Yuki Eiri won't be, I certainly shouldn't be, Shuichi's anchor.
But, when I turn back around, my breath catches in my throat. Can eyes as bright as colored diamonds ever be termed 'sleepy'? If so, then those sleepy jewels peer up at me, unable to bear any deceit. Shuichi's hair juts a dozen different directions, like some sort half-hearted pink-and-blue cactus. My gaze can't help but catch on his eyebrow, and the metal trinket plunged through giving flesh. I shudder, and try hopelessly to keep my thoughts chaste.
"Hey," he says, doing some sort of bizarre but terribly erotic smacking motion with his lips, as if they were numb and he was checking to make sure they still worked.
"Hey." I'm entranced. I can't move. What do I say, Kumagoro? What do I... Oh, right. Kumagoro isn't here. I flinch at that thought. I really have nothing to hold onto, now.
"It's okay," Shuichi whispers, his voice a smidgen raspy, "You don't have to go." He reaches out to catch hold of a bit of my robe at my hip.
I smile. I don't know if it is forced, or if it is real. I don't want Shuichi to see the wickedness behind my eyes. "I was...I was going to see about breakfast."
"No." His voice takes on the childish whine which was more prevalent when I first met him. Shuichi tugs on the robe like a kid trying to get someone taller's attention. "I mean, could you stay? For a little while? I mean, if you can't, that's okay. I don't want to take advantage of you, but...I...I...."
Gar. He's only been awake two minutes, if that, and already I've made him cry. Or, I've made him think of Yuki-san, and -that's- making him cry. Either way, that's no way to start a morning.
This is a bad idea. This is a very, very, very bad idea. But, what else can I do?
Dropping the pillow, I lift my legs back onto the bed and slide towards Shuichi. "No, I don't mind, na no da," I reply as I guide his arm back across my chest. Instinctively, Shuichi settles into my side, lifting his head to rest it on my shoulder, pressing his torso against my ribs, his upper legs (thankfully covered in pajama bottoms) nestled against my thigh. A couple of tears roll down his face and end up pooling against my collarbone.
Shuichi cries for some minutes, sniffling every few seconds, hugging my side and hiding his face in my shoulder. I just let him. Sometimes you have to cry. I imagine that people who don't cry are even worse off than people who don't laugh. It must be terribly lonely to travel the world, untouched by anything.
"S..sorry," Shuichi finally says as his sobs abate. "You must think I do nothing but cry."
"I'd be more worried if you didn't cry at all." I run my fingers through his hair. I shouldn't, but I do. I'm momentarily fascinated by the puzzle of trying to make it all go the same direction. "You can cry all you want. I don't mind."
"Do you...um...uh..." Shuichi removes his face from his shoulder and looks up at me, "Need to take your pills?"
Is he worried about me? Or is he worried that I might flip out? How can he be worried at all, I wonder? How can he think of others while his heart is so obviously torn to shreds. "Nah. I'll be fine for now. The pills are for anxiety attacks and...uh..." Manic depression. Social anxiety. Severe dysphoria. Nightmares. "You don't think I'm crazy, do you, Shu-chan?"
Shuichi puts his head back upon my shoulder. He's quiet for a few moments, and I'm mildly worried that he's just thinking of a nice way to tell me that I am, in fact, the most insane person he's ever met. Finally, he whispers, "No. I think you are more like a stormy cloud. You're charged with so much electricity that you warp the world around you as you pass, scenting the air with static, making the world buzz in anticipation of the rain. But, like a cloud, reigning above the world supreme and untouchable, you can not help but be filled with lightning that sometimes escapes your heart without your permission."
A knot forms in my throat. Now -I- want to cry. Save for Tomi, no one has ever said such a thing to me. I can't help but pull Shuichi into a tight hug. How can he be so kind?
And, I don't care what Yuki Eiri says, Shuichi's brilliant. You can see it in his lyrics, and at times like this, you can hear it in his words.
We lay together for some time, watching the city below come to life, reflecting upon internal thoughts, warmed by each other. Everything, in this bed, seems so focused, so clear. Safe. If only I could stay here, letting the world cease to be, my fans and by fame withering away into nothing, I could be...
I might become...
Unfathomably happy.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The second time I leave the bed, I'm actually successful in letting Shuichi remain asleep. We spoke no words about what we saw the previous night, nor did we breach the topic of Yuki-san, or Tohma, or the events which followed. It's probably a good thing, since I'm pretty sure Shuichi would have shut down if forced to confront those memories.
I make my way down the hall and find Molly and Ten sitting in my living room. Ten is ignoring my presence by reading the newspaper. Molly, on the other hand, gives me a more guilt-producing glare than even my own mother could ever muster.
I flex my hand, again and again, as I sit down on the couch. My hand, that's where Kumagoro should be. My knee bounces nervously. I need something to hold onto, so I grab a pillow.
Molly is wearing a dark blue jacket and a skirt that comes past her knees. It's the most expensive suit she owns. A Chanel original. Her short, bobbed coif sports so much hair-spray it's become immobile.
The last time she dressed up like this, she had to tell the press that several Nittle Grasper tour dates had been postponed due to the fact that I had contracted strep-throat. (True.) And, I was so ill that I could not leave my bed. (False. I was actually having a grand time watching cartoons and coloring giant paper murals to give to friends.)
Molly purses her lips and nudges the tray on the table containing my breakfast (and pills) towards me. "That wasn't the bed I had in mind when I told you to go to bed."
I say nothing. I just glare at her, daring her to continue. For fuck's sake, I'm thirty-three years old. Alright, maybe I don't have any idea how to drive a car, and I have a penchant for setting my own home on fire, but I'm not a child! I know what I am doing! I have to know what I am doing, or otherwise, what am I but a wind-up singing toy to be used by others?
Why can't I figure out how to be in control of my own life?
Why does everything have to spiral into chaos?
Like a jar of marbles, spilled out onto the floor, scattering in a thousand different directions. Rush, rush to get them all, rush rush to put them all in order, to categorize and catalog and label before someone comes to spill them again.
This is what it means by 'losing your marbles'.
Seeing that I am not going to make any sort of comment about spending the night in Shuichi's bed, Molly changes the subject. "I have to go meet your lawyer to find out what will happen if Yuki Eiri files the restraining order against you or Shindou-san. And then I have a meeting with Seguchi-san..."
Snarl.
"...to explain why you were across town without a bodyguard..."
I don't think my physical safety is high on the list of Tohma's concerns.
"Ten will stay here with you. Please don't...please just try to..."
Behave myself? Act like nothing happened?
"Rest. I can tell you are worn out, Sakuma-san, even if you don't want to admit it to yourself. This ordeal is hard on you." Molly reaches across the table to touch my hand as I place my glass of juice back on the coaster. "Getting any more hurt won't help you or Shindou-san."
My indignation melts at the tone of Molly's voice. She and Ten mean to be helpful, really they do, and to protect me. It is my error to think ill of them. They work so hard, and all I do is continually make more trouble.
I mumble some sort of promise to Molly to do my best to rest today. Resting will be good. Shuichi needs rest. I need rest. We're both drained physically and emotionally.
Ten turns the page of his newspaper. Without even looking up, he asks, "Where's Kumagoro?"
I stare at the floor. It's a very expensive carpet, just like ones I saw in America. When you walk on it, strands squish in between your toes. Like walking on clouds, I think. Or maybe like walking on mashed potatoes, which I've never done, but now that I think about it, I fully intend to try it someday.
"Time to post up the 'Missing Bunny' posters, eh?"
I almost choke on my toast as I look over in Ten's direction. His bulky form ripples as he shakes to paper to get it to quit falling over at the edges. Why he doesn't just fold it into four pieces like normal people, I'll never know. The serious expression on his face never changes as he continues to taunt me.
"Wanted, Dead or Alive, Criminal Mastermind, Kumagoro, Rabbit And Fashion Victim Extraordinaire."
My eyes grow wide. I can't believe he's actually making fun of poor Kuma-chan, na no da! This is a serious situation. Kumagoro could be in peril! I mean, if he is at Yuki-san's house, he must -certainly- be in the very real danger of having to confront meanie grumpiness and intolerable boredom!
"Eh, I wouldn't worry about it, Sakuma-san," Ten says, trying to hide his smirk by raising his paper. "Kumagoro always was far more crafty and intelligent than you, ne? I'm sure he can take care of himself."
Well, it -is- true that Kumagoro holds a doctorate in the field of Hophopology. And, he -is- a blackbelt in pikajutsu, the martial art of defeating others with shinyness. But, what if...
"And, anyway, he has your cellphone in his pouch, doesn't he? If he's in trouble, I'm sure he'll call."
Of course he will. I don't know why I was so worried.
Sometimes, I don't know what I would do....
If I didn't have such kind and caring friends.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I could really use some booze.
I adore vodka. Vodka sours. Vodka Collins. Screwdrivers. If you get a really smooth vodka, and a really pure orange juice, and mix them just right, you get what I like to call a Glass Screwdriver. Because it tastes just like what you would imagine orange-tinted glass would taste like if you could drink it. And it looks just like a sunset. Just like a perfectly golden sunset you could drink.
From what I understand, that's what I was drinking when they found me. Correction. When -Tohma- found me.
Now, I don't remember much about that day. I do remember a few flashes of things. The blood on porcelain of the bathtub felt just like silk. I rubbed my fingers on it, and it was slippery. I drew a picture of Tomi on the tiles of the wall with the blood, with silky silky blood. Cause I wanted him to be there with me as I died, just like I was there with him.
Otherwise, it would have been too lonely.
There was some time without sound. Things happened, but I couldn't get a good fix on the noises associated with them. No, wait. I shouldn't say there was -no- sound. I definitely heard a cello. Yes, there was a cello playing Bach's 'Sarabande', very slow and sleepy. And all the discordant flutters of the low notes reminded me of Tomi's voice, late at night, when my head was on his chest and he'd talk to me about nothing in particular.
And I remember that Tohma looked very worried. That scared me some, because Tohma never seems to worry about much. And, even if he is worried, he doesn't show it.
Tohma was dragging me out of the tub, and yelling, and kept slapping me on the side of the cheek. But, I was really calm. Really, really calm, you know? I asked him if he thought that the cello was the loveliest instrument, even more lovely than the guitar or the sax. I felt really bad, right then, for never taking Tomi to see a good cellist before he died. Because I think he would have liked that.
Well, I don't remember anything for a few days after that. I woke up in the hospital. Tohma was there when I did. He looked like he'd been in a fight with several dozen zombies from Zeta Povira Six. Tohma was holding onto my hand like I was going to run off to somewhere good and leave him behind. So, I told him not to worry about it, because right then I didn't feel so much like running, due to the fact that I mostly hurt all over.
Tohma said to me as I laid there in that hospital bed, "You stupid, stupid, stupid man. You're so stupid. Why do you have to be so incredibly stupid?"
I just bit my lip and shrugged a little. Well, I don't know why I am stupid. Just born that way, I guess.
I asked Tohma if he thought Tomi would come to visit me in the hospital. Because, he probably didn't much like hospitals anymore. But, I thought it might be nice if Tomi stopped by and looked in on me. I would have liked to know what Tomi thought about the whole cello situation, and if he had any opinions on Bach, in general.
"Oh, god Ryuichi," Tohma said. I couldn't see his eyes because he had one of those hats of his on his head, "Can't you stop thinking about him for just one second? For just one second, can't you just figure out how to care about yourself instead of everyone else?"
I think Tohma went on, after that. He said a lot of things, but I wasn't really listening. I was watching his face, though. Tohma has the oddest complexion. Like baby peaches. Like peaches that haven't quite figured out how to become all the way pink yet. His lips just kept moving, and I guess he was saying something really important. I wish I could say I was -thinking- about something important, but I wasn't. Because I was actually just wondering if Tohma liked peaches.
Come to think of it, peaches soaked in vodka are really good, too. Especially when they are fed to you by someone lovely. It wouldn't take much to find someone to feed me peaches right now. I could just go to the nearest bar, sit down, and get the first person who asked me for an autograph if they'd come back to my place. You wouldn't think this would work, but actually it does.
Yes. They'd feed me whatever I asked. Then, I would look deep into their eyes as I licked the vodka off their fingers. If they didn't run away at that point, then I would know they would let me take whatever I wanted. They'd give me everything, just for those minutes. I would be the absolute center of their world, cherished and adored. And maybe, for a few minutes, maybe just for a second, my mind would finally stop. Everything would stop pressing in on me. Until all the noise and pain washed away leaving only that solitary cello playing Sarabande.
Sometimes, it sounds like two cellos, though.
Though, I can hear it quite plainly right now, due to the fact that I am listening to it on my CD player on repeat in the darkness of the library. After Molly left, I came in here and built a tent with a blanket. I draped one corner over one pinball machine, and the other corner over another pinball machine. I took all the pillows in the house, except for the ones in Shuichi's room, and stuffed them inside my fortress.
Sometimes, you just need to build a castle to protect against the siege of sadness while you think things out.
And, it's probably a better idea than going to a bar. Not that I could. Ten would shoot me in the foot before he'd let me leave.
It's about 10:00 in the morning. Shuichi is still in bed, but I don't expect he'll probably get up much at all today. I'll go see if he'll eat some toast, later. If Kumagoro was here, I could ask Kuma-chan to tell Shuichi some happy story about ducks or pickles or something. But, Kuma-chan isn't here.
I'm worried about Kumagoro.
I'm worried about Shuichi.
And, I'm still angry at Tohma and Yuki-san. Well, not as angry as I was, but still angry. I think, more than that, I'm just perplexed. Even if Yuki-san didn't love Shuichi anymore, that's no reason to be so cruel. I mean, I know that I've been just as cruel, but I'm just a useless and stupid person. Yuki-san doesn't seem stupid.
No, that isn't it.
No. I just don't think that Shuichi has it in him to love someone who is altogether a bad egg. Or, maybe he would. Maybe Shuichi loves everyone because he's just that good-hearted.
It's all so confusing. And, thinking -that- makes me even -more- upset. Because, it means that Tohma was right. It -is- too complicated for me to understand.
Tohma's always been there for me, and Noriko too. Been there to help me. It isn't that I don't perceive what is going on around me. I'm very good at watching and seeing what is really going on with a person. But, sometimes I let it affect me a bit too much.
How can I... How can I claim to have any moral high ground where Tohma is concerned? What could I possibly say to prove that what he is doing is wrong? Tohma knows everything about me. He knows everything, especially where to put the knife.
I'm worried about Shuichi. But, I'm also scared. I'm scared to lose my very best friend, who has always been there for me, who takes care of my money and makes sure I'm looked after, who came to sit with me in the hospital and hold my hand.
And, I don't think we'll be able to be friends after this.
Which means there won't be any Nittle Grasper, either. How could I sing songs for Tomi, if my keyboardist broke Shuichi's heart and I let him get away with it? Tomi would know. He'd think that I didn't really care so much about love, after all.
These are the things I'm thinking about, with my face smushed into a pillow and Bach leaking into my ears.
And that's when Shuichi's phone rings.
I've been carrying it around all day. Five times, I dialed almost all of the digits in Tohma's phone number just to tell him that he's an asshole. Three times, I almost called Noriko. Twice I considered calling Yuki-san and demanding an explanation -and- Kumagoro. And once, just once, I thought about calling Mika-san and telling her what a complete shit Tohma is.
I thought about it -really- hard.
But, I like Mika-san too much to hurt her like that.
So, I pick up Shuichi's phone and press the pink plastic against my ear.
"Um. Hello?"
If it's Yuki Eiri, I'm going to scream loud enough to burst his eardrum. If it's Tohma...
"Shuichi?" The voice is low, calm, and quiet, "Shuichi? Are you okay? K just called me and said some stuff that didn't make a lot of sense."
Oh. It's Hiroshi-kun. "No. This is Ryuichi."
"Where's Shuichi? Why are you answering his phone? Is he okay?"
"He's fine. Sleeping across the hall."
And that...that is when I hear the most distraught, pained, excruciatingly heartbreaking scream I've ever heard. It sounds not at -all- like a cello, and more like someone trying to rip out their own vocal cords with a fork.
It is followed, almost immediately, by two successive crashes.
I'm running before I know I am running, pillows flying behind me as I burst out of the library and ram my head into the door for Shuichi's room. Then, I remember to use the doorknob.
Tricky doorknobs. I struggle with it for a few seconds. Who came up with those dumb things, anyway?
The door to Shuichi's room slams open, even though I don't think I'm pushing it that hard. My blood is racing through my veins so fast, I think my heart is liable to crawl its way up my throat and jump out of my mouth.
I look, right, left. Where is Shuichi? I see a smashed lamp. I see an overturned nightstand. I see a bed with blankets so messed up they look like a pile of scrambled eggs. No. No Shuichi.
As I am standing there looking, my bangs suddenly ripple. The warm breeze of the late morning zips across my face, tickles my hands, and brings with it the slightly burning smell of the city.
The glass door to the balcony is open, and when the curtains float to the side, I can just make out Shuichi's pink hair, smooth back, and a section of his green pajama pants. He's sitting on the railing. He's six inches away from falling.
Oh. No, no, Shuichi. No. Please don't.
The phone drops out of my hand.
"Ryuichi..." the phone buzzes, "...what's going on? Ryuichi? RYUICHI?"
Very carefully, very, very carefully. I have to be very careful, because I don't want to scare him at all. I step through the broken bits of lamp, my feet protected by my big, floppy, bunny slippers. I catch hold of the curtain and pull it back. Very slowly, just like peeling a banana.
The first thing I notice is Shuichi's naked feet, dangling on the other side of the railing. The bottom of the left one is cut up a bit.
I guess he stepped on the bits of broken lamp.
The second thing I notice is that Shuichi's fists are holding onto the ledge with such extreme pressure that his knuckles are white. That's good, I think. As long as he's holding on...
Oh god. Somebody help me. Help me think of the right thing. To do. To say. Don't let Shuichi fall. Because I don't care how much he sounds like an angel when he sings, I AM ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN THAT SHUICHI CAN NOT FLY!
Pull yourself together.
I can do this.
I -have- to do this.
I walk up to the railing a few feet down from where Shuichi is sitting. Don't look down. Don't look down and think about Shuichi falling.
Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god. Where's Kumagoro when I need him?
Okay. Okay.
If I were Shuichi, what would I be thinking, right now?
Oh. Right.
"Do you hear cellos, Shuichi?"
Shuichi flinches a bit, but he doesn't lose his grip. Thank god. Across the rooftops, I see a half-dozen blackbirds take to the air, their wings beating out a sound that is lost by the distance. It is a sound that you see. You know it has to be there, somewhere in the air, but it gets lost on the way.
"Me," I continue, "I hear cellos. A cello. Just one, but sometimes it sounds like two. I think everyone has an instrument that they can hear when all the other thoughts are finally removed from their mind. All the thoughts except the very last one. It's because you can finally hear what your heart really sounds like, without all the other stuff getting in the way. But, you know what I am talking about, don't you? You've heard it before...when you and Yuki-san...made love."
Shuichi's voice comes to me, scared and unsure, as another drop of blood leaps from the bottom of his foot. "Nnn...no. Flute."
Flute? I'd have never guessed. "What does it play?"
"S...something...Irish...I can never tell...if it is...happy or sad. But, it makes me feel...like crying from both."
Very, very carefully, I slide my hand up and place it on top of Shuichi's. His knuckles are so cold, they feel like cheesecake that's been in the fridge a few days too long. "Love is the most terrifying thing in the world, Shuichi. I know it is. After that, after love is broken, a body just wants to be broken, too. So that the body can understand what the heart is going through, to comfort it." I squeeze Shuichi's hand. "But, I'd be so sad if you died. I'd probably never sing again. And Hiroshi-kun and Fujisaki-kun, they'd be sad. And K. And your family, too. You wouldn't hurt us all...like that...on purpose...would you, Shuichi?"
"No...I..." Shuichi finally looks at me. I'm surprised at how calm his face looks. He's not even crying. Maybe he's run out of tears. "I just wanted...it's horrible, but I wanted to hurt Yuki. I wanted to hurt him like he hurt me. I wanted him to know, to understand, what he's done to me. Like, maybe if I died, he'd have to carry that pain around all the time. But, at least...he'd be thinking of me."
"I know." Quickly, but with extreme caution, I step behind Shuichi and slide my arms around his waist. "But, you don't want to hurt him, really. You don't have it in you to hurt someone like that, Shuichi. Or you would have already jumped."
As Shuichi goes limp with a sob, I pull him off the ledge. We fall together into heap on the patio. Shuichi is holding on to me like I'm the railing, and he's still about to fall, his fingertips digging into my back almost painfully. He's writhing against me, trying to work out the pain which is exploding from within. Trying to hold on to the faith in 'forever' as it seeks to leave him.
I can't do anything. I can't do anything except watch Shuichi die in ways that have nothing to do with falling from a building. I can do nothing but rub his back, and whisper, and tell him that it will be alright now. Even though it won't. And I tell him that he's not a bad person, and he didn't do anything wrong. And I tell him...that I love him.
That last thing just slipped out.
But, I don't think Shuichi understood it quite the way I meant it. Or, maybe he didn't hear it at all. However, the other person on the patio -did- hear it. I'm not sure how long Ten has been standing there. Maybe the whole time. Strangely enough, he doesn't look upset. Instead, he just holds Shuichi's phone up to his ear and says, "Sakuma-san is going to have to call you back."
He clicks the phone closed and gazes at me, his long black ponytail swishing in the breeze.
Then he smirks at me and shakes his head as if in disbelief.
I have no idea what -that's- all about.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Ten puts Shuichi on the couch in the front room and I get some bandages for Shu-chan's foot. While watching Ten clean and wrap the wound, I am reminded that I -too- have bandages. For lack of anything better to do, I unwind some of the gauze a bit and look at the end of the largest cut on my arm. New scars kinda look like mashed black cherry bits. Curious, I stick my tongue out and lick it.
It does -not- taste like cherry.
"Stop doing that, Sakuma-san," Ten says, giving me a quick look over his shoulder as he continues to work on Shuichi's foot. Shuichi winces a little as Ten swabs it with alcohol. "And you, Shindou-san, what's gotten into you? Breaking other people's stuff..."
Ten's grumpy, but he's not really mad. I can tell. When he's really mad, he doesn't talk.
"I'm sorry. I heard....the phone," Shuichi says, "My phone. I thought maybe..."
Oh. I get it.
He thought Yuki had called. That's what set him off.
"It was Hiroshi-kun," I say, trying to put my own bandage back in place. It's hard to do with only one hand. "He just called to make sure you are alright, I think."
Shuichi is much calmer now. For many people, there's a sort of euphoria and temporal disassociation that sets in after both a good hard cry, and a hear-death experience. Since he just had both, I'm betting Shu-chan's feeling somewhat fuzzy at the moment.
Although I don't really want to take my eyes off Shuichi, I leave him with Ten while I go to clean up the broken lamp. I should just call my penthouse the 'Place Of Many Broken Things'. Well, I'm not mad at Shuichi for breaking the lamp, though I am a little mad at the lamp for cutting Shuichi.
When I come back, I find Ten and Shuichi in the kitchen. Ten has a tray out, and is building tiny cracker sandwiches with meats and cheeses and vegetables and pickles and things. He's telling Shuichi that every year, during Spring Break, aliens invade Cancun so they can feast on the life forces of drunken teenagers. I don't know if Ten really believes that or not, but he sure sounds serious.
I sit down at the table next to Shu-chan.
Shuichi isn't crying. He isn't talking. He's just looking off into space. Like if he could just pinpoint the very molecule, the very atom, the very nanosecond that caused his life to break into pieces, he might finally understand -why-. And then he could let go of hope and be at peace.
I grab Shuichi's hand underneath the table and curl his fingers into mine.
Stay with me, Shu-chan.
Stay...you.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The rest of that morning and afternoon is fairly uneventful. Shuichi ate some of the cracker things and drank some orange soda while we both listened to Ten expound on cattle mutilations near someplace called Taos, New Mexico. I know this means that Ten isn't mad at us, and that he really likes Shuichi now. My bodyguard doesn't explain the intricacies of extra-terrestrial anal probing to just anyone.
I'm not sure where the change came from, but it's a good one.
Shuichi eventually called Hiroshi-kun back and told him that everything was fine. They talked for a while, and that really seemed to do wonders for Shu-chan's spirit. It must be great to have a best friend who you can trust to always have your back and cheer you up.
I remember when I had one of those. It seems like just yesterday.
Oh right, it -was- yesterday.
Hiroshi-kun can't get away from his wedding planning right at the moment (due to the fact that he and Ayaka-san are at the hotel on the tiny Polynesian island where they are to be wed next month) but, he's going to try to catch a plane back to Japan later in the week to come and see Shu-chan. That's nice, I think. I really like Hiroshi-kun. I wonder if Shu-chan, Hiro-kun and I could jam when he comes to visit.
Anyway, for the rest of the day, I'm a little scared to let Shuichi out of my sight. Ten too, it seems. He keeps coming to check on us every half hour.
We spend most of our time in the TV room. Finding a show that doesn't make Shuichi look like he's about to burst into tears was really hard. I tried the tapes that one of my fans made me of the old American show 'I Love Lucy', but every time that Ricky yelled at Lucy for doing something stupid, Shuichi would shudder and bite his bottom lip. We tried to watch a Rurouni Kenshin marathon, which worked for a while, but then they showed the movies and I was pretty sure that Shuichi wasn't ready for the part where the lovers are torn apart by betrayal and ultimately death. Even music videos didn't work. So, we ended up watching travel shows and trying to see how many bands we could name from each country they showed. It was a hard game, but I was really surprised to find out how much Shuichi knows about European dance and club music. We didn't know any bands from Mexico, but I did tell Shuichi about my lifelong dream to start a mariachi band when I get really old. Or maybe a zydeco band. I haven't decided yet.
Maybe I will go to Ireland and learn some flute music.
Anyway, things calmed down a lot. Ten went and bought us like five zillion boxes of Pocky from the lobby downstairs. I was trying to draw a picture of Yo-yo Ma playing the cello, and screwing it up royally because I didn't have Kumagoro to help. I kept getting confused and looking for Kuma-chan, and Shuichi would have to tell me all over again that I'd dropped him. I felt really bad about that, so after a while I wrote a reminder on my hand as to where Kumagoro was. Problem solved.
It was around five or six o'clock when there was a light knock on the door to the TV room. Shuichi had passed out somewhere between 'Exploring Iceland' and 'A Journey Through The Amazon Basin', which I thought was just fine, since I didn't know any bands from the Amazon Basin, anyway. He was sleeping all curled up in one of the big armchairs. Curled up just like a cat.
I opened the door, since I didn't want to yell and wake up Shu-chan. Molly, looking mildly bedraggled in her expensive suit, stood in the hallway with a kind smile on her face.
"You have a visitor, Sakuma-san."
A visitor?
For me?
Thankfully, Shuichi and I had both eventually found some clothes to put on earlier in the day. Neither of us was really in the mood to go high-style, so I was just in some ripped up jeans (comfy) and an old Social Distortion t-shirt (cool). Not really company-greeting attire. But, what can you do?
Though, it turned out not to matter. Because the person who was in my living room had seen me in much, much, worse.
"NORIKO-CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!"
I pounced her like a piranha attacking a steak. Or, rather, I tried to pounce her. Unfortunately, Noriko-chan knows ryuichijutsu, which is the art of completely dodging attacking Ryu-chans. Damn her and her clever ways.
So, instead, finding myself on the floor, I just grabbed onto her leg and hugged it. "You came to see me! You came all the way just to see me!"
"Of course I did, you silly fool. When Molly-san told me what you'd been up to, I had to come and beat some sense into you." Nori-chan bent over and attempted to pry me off her leg. "Can't you act like a normal host and offer me something to drink?"
"You want orange soda?"
"Uh. Yeah." I know she didn't -actually- want orange soda. But, she wasn't going to say that she really wanted a beer.
"Okay."
After I brought out the cans, and Molly and Ten scuttled off to go sit with Shuichi, Nori-chan and I sat down on the couches and made ourselves comfy. She had her hair up in one big ponytail on top of her head, and was wearing nothing particularly fascinating, so I don't think Molly picked Noriko up at NG. Which meant that my personal assistant drove all the way to the suburbs to pick up Noriko. I have to remember to thank her later.
"I have Shuichi staying at my house!" I don't know why I told her that first. I just kinda want to tell everyone I see. I felt stupid after saying that, so I picked up a pillow and put it on my lap. I wish Kumagoro was here.
"I know, you idiot." Noriko rolled her eyes and took a big gulp of the soda. "I know all about everything. What the hell do you think you're doing, Ryuichi?"
I felt the left corner of lip twitch. "I'm helping. Helping Shuichi."
Sighing, Noriko reached back to adjust her ponytail. "You know you can't do this, Ryuichi. You're a fucking spazz. We almost had to medicate you when your goddamn goldfish died because you tried to feed it Cheese Puffs when you ran out of fish food."
"I know the difference between Shuichi and a goldfish, na no da."
"You can't keep Shuichi as a pet, Ryuichi. He can't live here. What's going to happen when he does something to accidentally piss you off? What about the media? Have you even given thought one to the kind of scandal this would cause?"
Actually...I hadn't.
"But, Nori-chan," I dig my fingers into the pillow in my lap. "Where else is he supposed to go? Shuichi is my friend. I have to take care of my friends, 'cause you only get a limited number of really good ones. I'd do the same thing if you were in trouble..."
"Yeah, but I'm not an idiot, so I don't get in these kind of situations." Noriko flops backwards onto the couch, as if just talking to me is wearing her out. "Yeah, I know you just want to help. I just don't want to see you get hurt, buddy. I worry about you, okay?"
"You do?"
"Of course I do, you spazz." Noriko closes her eyes. We've been skirting the real issue, and I don't think either of us wants to bring it up. Suddenly, Nori-chan pops up and grabs her oversized purse. "Oh right, I brought you something."
"You did?"
"Uh-huh. Close your eyes."
I close them. Surprises are grand. Ever since that first time Tomi had me close my eyes and eat his ice cream Train Wreck, I've loved close-your-eyes surprises.
"Open!"
About three inches from my nose is a very familiar color of pink. With a very familiar smell and a very familiar stitch running up the middle. This is...
This is...
"KUMAGORO!!!!!!!!!!!"
I grab the dangling bunny and clutch him to my chest. Ahhhhh. This is right. Yes. This is absolutely right. I was so worried, Kumagoro. So worried. I'm so sorry for leaving you behind. I'm so sorry for putting you through that, Kumagoro. Do you forgive me? Are you okay? Oh, Kumagoro, I'm so glad you're back now. Shuichi will be glad, too. Everything's been so bad, Kumagoro. So bad. But, now that you're back, we can put everything right. Right?
"Are you crying, you weird little..."
I look up and stick out my tongue at Noriko. Never try to come between the reunion of a man and his long lost bunny. So, maybe I am crying a little bit. It's happy crying, not sad crying.
I will never, ever, ever leave you behind again, Kumagoro. I promise.
"Thank you so much for saving him and bringing him home, Nori-chan."
"Actually," Noriko says, twisting one finger in some tendrils of escaped hair, "Tohma's the one you should thank. Yuki Eiri found him on the doorstep and almost tossed Kuma-chan in the trash without thinking."
I wiggle in my seat, suddenly very uncomfortable in my own home. I'm going to have to give Kumagoro -two- baths just to get all the associated ick off of him.
"Ryuichi, you're going to have to talk to him sooner or later."
I stare up at the wall. I've got a nice Kandinsky print hanging behind the couch Noriko is sitting on. Yellow with black triangles and red circles. Like looking at a campfire through a cut diamond, I think. But, maybe I'll get a different painting sometime...
"Ryuichi! Pay attention, idiot. Don't go off into fucking daydreaming just because you don't want to deal with Tohma." Noriko reaches over and grabs my chin. Hard. "You two are my best friends. I hate to see you like this."
My blood might be boiling. What is the boiling temperature of blood, I wonder? Through my teeth I reply, "I don't want to see him, Nori. Not ever again. As soon as I can, I'm getting Molly to write up a press release about the breakup of Nittle Grasper and selling off my shares of NG." Am I? Yeah. I guess I am. "I'm sorry. But, if I let Tohma get away with what he's done to Shuichi, if I just ignored everything and forgot about it, Tomi would never forgive me."
Noriko lets go of my chin and shakes her head. "I thought you'd say that."
She stands up, looping her purse over her shoulder. In six swinging steps, she's at the front door. "You're going to stay here," Noriko says, pulling on the doorknob, "Until you two figure something out."
Then she opens the door.
And, pretty as you please, as if he owned the building, as if he wasn't the scum of the fucking earth, as if he hadn't tried to cripple me and Shuichi with malicious words less than 24 hours ago...
Seguchi Tohma walks into my penthouse.
"I'm going across the street to get a beer," Noriko says as she closes the door, "There better not be any blood spilled when I get back."
And then...
I'm alone...
With Tohma.
I lift up Kumagoro and circle my fingers around his neck. Slowly, very slowly, I tighten my grip, all the while keeping my gaze locked on the smirking lips of Shindou Shuichi's personal Judas, showing Tohma exactly what I plan on doing to him if he doesn't turn around and leave my sight this very fucking instant. I will strangle you, Seguchi Tohma. In a heartbeat.
Do. Not. Tempt. Me.
Tohma exhales a quick laugh through his nose. "You love Shuichi that much, Ryuichi? That much? Enough to strangle me?"
I do, Tohma.
I do.
But, I'd never do what you've done. I'd never steal him away from Yuki Eiri. I'd never try to destroy the love in Shuichi's heart just to make him mine.
You see, it's complicated.
Too complicated for you to understand.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
***In Our Next Chapter: The showdown between Tohma and Ryuichi. Will blood be spilled? Will Kumagoro's poor neck be broken? Will Nittle Grasper break up? Will poor Shuichi ever get a fucking break? And what about Ryuichi's ever-growing crush on Shu-chan? Will Tohma explain ANYTHING? I hope you will stay tuned for more Pianissimo Butterfly!
***Author Notes:
I've seen Noriko portrayed in many ways. I hear she has a much bigger part in the manga, but I haven't read very many volumes yet, so you will have to forgive me if she is a bit off.
I recommend downloading Bach's cello suite "Sarabande". It really is a very moving piece.
***Review Notes:
Thank you to everyone who reviewed. Sorry this chapter took so long. I was sick over the weekend, and then I had Jury Duty. I'm hoping there should only be about two more chapters to go before the end.
So, sweet cello symphonies of thanks to:
bergfjel, brassmonkey2079, random stalker, New Orleans, Fire Dragon of Darkness, Nocturne's Requiem, animegirl12182, A, and kitty-nickle.
hopemia: Aaaaahhh. Everyone wants Tohma and Yuki dead. It isn't so bad as that, I promise! Or......is it?
Aibyouka: You know what it is? Tell me! Hehehehe.
The Demonic Duo: Tohma's not so evil in this chapter, don't you think?
Rabid Bat: Tohma's not so bad, really. I promise!
Yma: Thank you so much for reading. :D Yes. I write a lot of Rurouni Kenshin stories, but I also have an Inuyasha story called "Paper Dragons", which you might like, if you have seen that series. It was one of my first fics, though, so the prose isn't as good.
xpyne!: I always had a bizarre feeling that somehow Tohma engineered the whole Yuki murdering his tutor thing. Things -definitely- shouldn't be adding up. You're right about that. Well, there was a little bit of Hiro in this chapter, but not a lot. Instead I had Noriko come slap some sense into Ryuichi. I hope that works, instead.
hidesfaerie: :D Well, thank you again! And why DOES Yuki call Shuichi and yet end up in bed with Tohma? Mysteries, mysteries.
pinksakuya: Didn't expect them from Yuki? Yeah. I actually feel really sorry for Yuki. He's really going through way more hell than Shuichi.
CPV-Phantoms-CTFA: Chuckle! Your review made me laugh so hard. Thanks!
Wakaba-sama: Woohoo! Well, maybe not ice cream. Maybe...POPSICLES! Yeah. Mmmmmmmmm. Chocolate popsicles. *drool*
Bisexual Pygmy: They're all sympathetic characters, really. I like them all.
Veleda: Very good reasons? Mmmmmm. Isn't sex a good enough reason? *duck* No. I can't tell you, seriously. I'm hoping we'll get to Yuki's "motivations" in the next chapter. Yeah, I think so.
noali: Of course Yuki loves Shuichi. Doesn't he? Or -does- he? *wicked eyebrow waggle* No, I haven't finished writing the story. It's only written in my head, and it takes a while to type it out. Sorry to disappoint.
Ranger: I swear it will make sense soon. Hang with me for just one or two more chapters?
Kuria-Dragon-goddess: Ahhhhh. No Tohmadeath. Because where would Ryuichi hide the body? Probably in his closet, and it would stink up all his clothes and stuff.
fujifunmum: Hahahaha. He just found the tire iron somewhere, I guess. I didn't think about that because theres always tire irons laying around my house. (Family member is a mechanic.) Doh! And, you can have Molly if I can have Ten. I need someone to punch people for me and carry the bodies.